None to Freeze

Well, I got our last fert report, none to freeze. She said they transferred the best and there were none good enough to freeze. I know this is common not to have any to freeze but I felt so sure we would have some due to how many were going strong. It sucks to think that if this doesn't work I will have to go through all of this crap again. But if there is a next time, I will be asking the doctor to do everything possible to avoid OHSS. What if this means we don't have good embies? I sort of feel like I was misled about the quality of our embies. They told me they were moving it to day 6 because there were too many good ones to choose from but the doctor at the clinic before the transfer told us that they were taking a little longer to get to the right stage and that is why they moved it to day 6. They didn't tell me a grade for our Doozer or anything but said it was a high quality one so I guess that is good enough. Ugh...too many things to worry about. But, it doesn't matter now, it is in God's hands and He can do anything!

Back to Work

Yes, yes, I know, I was supposed to do 24 hours bed rest and that would have meant I would have had to “rest” until 11:00 a.m. today. But, my boss is just not an understanding guy by any stretch of the imagination and I just couldn’t take another day off of work. I already didn’t have any time as it is due to the fact that they barely give us any time off anyway and now I am like over 5 days in the negative. So I have tried to take it easy and haven’t moved too much. But I really hope I wont regret going back to work today although I cant lose my job right now so I had to do what I had to do. I have no idea what we are going to do if we have to do this again but I am trying not to think about that. I have to say that I am not as optimistic about this cycle today as I have been over the past few days. I am questioning our decision to only put back one even though that is what we discussed in the very beginning. Its not that I hate the idea of twins or don’t think twins are cute or anything. I just want a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I want to minimize the risk to the baby and to myself. My doctor is also a big supporter of single embryo transfers especially in women who it is their first IVF and have a good quality embryo. But what if we should have transferred two? They told me that the pregnancy rates were no higher, even showed me numbers. I almost changed my mind when right before the transfer they told me that right now none of my embryos would be at the stage to be frozen. I was afraid that we wouldn’t have any to freeze so I panicked and said okay, put back two. They then called my RE who suggested only putting back one because of the OHSS and the fact that getting me pregnant with twins would be very risky to my health. So I went with my doctors suggestions. I so hope we made the right decision. I also can’t help but think that we are basing this whole cycle on this one little embryo, I sure hope he/she is a fighter. I am also bummed because I thought maybe I might feel something, like implantation cramps or have some spotting or something. I know the little guy should be digging in soon if he hasn’t already done so and I was hoping I would feel something. I know this is ridiculous because most people probably don’t feel implantation anyway. My Mom also gave me some grief about only putting back one. I really wish people would understand that it goes way beyond simply having two cute little babies, that it can affect my health and their health too. It made me angry that she would question our choice when we are the ones who are armed with information and the ones making the decision who have to deal with the consequences. I am already feeling guilty enough about not putting back two and I really need the support of my family and friends, I don’t need anyone to question our decisions. **Please note that this is a not a dig at anyone who chooses to put back two or is pregnant with twins, I know it is the norm to put back two and I am going against the grain but if this cycle doesn't work I will ask them to put back two next time. My beta will be on May 12th, the day before my 28th birthday. So I will either have a shitty birthday or a wonderful one. As for those who have suggested not to POAS before the beta, it’s just not something that I am comfortable with. I always test before my beta. I just like to prepare myself for the news. I would rather think it will be negative and be prepared for the phone call while at work and be pleasantly surprised by a positive beta then being full of hope and having to receive a devastating call while at work with no warning. I know it isn’t the best way for everyone but it helps me deal with the call a little easier.



As for my health, I am slowly starting to feel better. I woke up yesterday feeling better than I had in days. I was happy that I felt better because I was seriously thinking that it wouldn’t be good to put our little one into a sick body. I was able to eat some foods off of my “wish list” (which I will talk about in a minute.) This morning I woke up feeling a little yuckier than yesterday but still better than the past week or so. I feel better now but my chest is the thing that is bothering me the most. I have a really heavy feeling and soreness in my chest like the way you feel after you have been coughing with a really bad chest cold only I haven’t been coughing. I am thinking it has something to do with the fluid that was in my lungs. And, the most annoying thing is I cant button my pants! Now, I am already pleasantly plump to begin with so not being able to button my pants is awful! I thought about getting a bella band but I don’t want to buy anything maternity because I feel it will be bad luck. I don’t want to buy larger pants because I find that if I get larger pants I allow myself to grow into them. So for now I have my pants unbuttoned and a long shirt with another tied around my waist. I am hoping the bloating will go down soon but when they did the u/s yesterday to check the size of my ovaries they were still quite large. Meh..I guess it could be worse.

Lastly, I want to tell you how amazing my wonderful hubby is! He took such good care of me over the past week. He did everything he could to make me feel comfortable and ease my pain. He even cleaned up my throw up when I didn’t make it to the potty (TMI I know.) The OHSS also took a toll on me emotionally and he was there for me then too. I cant even begin to describe the physical discomfort of having everything that belongs in the lower half of you abdomen pushed into your stomach and lungs. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t eat (and still threw up even if I didn’t eat), I really felt like I was choking on my insides. I have a friend at church who has gone through IVF and she called me to see how I was feeling the other day and told me that she had OHSS and how terrible she felt. She told me that she was sure she was dying and that she should be in the ICU (and she is a nurse.) It made me feel better to know that other people have experienced the pain and that she knew what I was going through. While I was sick I made a “wish list” of foods that I wanted to eat as soon as I was able (when you don’t eat for days you start fantasizing about food.) I know it sounds silly but I needed something to look forward to. I had things on my list like cherry tomatoes, pickles, fritos, chocolate covered raisins, and tomato juice, I even put on my list that I wanted to eat a taco salad as my first dinner. Well, my wonderful Dh went to the store yesterday and purchased every single thing on my list and also came home and made me a taco salad for dinner! I was so touched and thrilled that he would do that. I really hope that Doozer sticks around to meet his/her amazing daddy!

Well, that’s about it for now. Thank you all so much for still reading and commenting even though I didn’t check anyone’s blog for days. I apologize for not checking them or commenting. You all are the best!

Here's our Doozer!

Transfer Complete

Well, I'm home with our little embie safe and sound inside! Yup, we decided to transfer only one embie because we do not want to take the risk of a multiple pregnancy at this point and because our doctor recommended transferring one because this is our first IVF, I am young, and because our embie was good quality, bust most importantly because of the OHSS. We trust our doctor's judgment and believe we made the right decision. We have a picture of our little embie and named him Doozer. 100 brownie points to anyone who can figure out why we named it Doozer! Dh did scan the picture but for some reason it didn't save so I will add a picture later. The experience was pretty neat but I am too tired to blog about it in detail so I will blog about it tomorrow. Everyone chant with me...dig Doozer dig!

We've Been Bumped!

Well, I have honestly never heard of this but my nurse just called and said they are moving us to a 6 day transfer. She said they are all doing very well so they are moving us to a 6 day. I have no idea how many we still have or what stage they are at but when they call to actually schedule the transfer I will ask. I have been trying to look online but I haven't found too much about 6 day transfers so if anyone know any info I would appreciate it. As for me I am still feeling pretty awful. I am still throwing up which the doctor says is caused by my ovaries being very enlarged and pushing everything that should be in my lower abdomen into my stomach. I am concerned about all of the work I am missing. I had to call out on Thursday and Friday due to being sick from the OHSS. I told my boss I would need off today and tomorrow for the embryo transfer and the 24 hour bed rest but now here I am at home, still too sick to go into work and will have to take off Wednesday now for bed rest. I didn't really have any time to begin with due to the funeral which was unexpected and my boss agreed to give me the days even though I didn't have them. Now I have taken double what he agreed to and honestly I'm worried that he is going to fire me. But, I am truly sick, actually more sick than I have ever been in my life, and there is no way I could go in today. I feel awful because I don't want him to think I am taking advantage of him. But I would hope that he understands that I am sick and I will have my RE send a note to him. I have to say that at this point if this cycle doesn't work I'm not sure I ever want to do this again. I never expected all of the issues with the fluid in my lungs and my belly and all the pain and sickness that comes along with it. I may change my mind but at this point I am saying that I will not do any more fresh cycles. I can't imagine having to put my body through this again. I haven't eaten anything really in about 2 days now. I know this may seem like whining and I assure you I am not trying to whine, but I am miserable. Well, I guess that's about it for now. While I am excited that our embies are doing so well I am concerned about putting anything back in when I am feeling like this, but we have come so far and I have to trust in God that he had an ultimate plan for us.

Embie Update!!!

We just got a call with our transfer time for Monday. We are scheduled for 1pm. Also we asked about the state of our embies, and she said that all 10 are doing excellent. She said some were 6 cell, some 8 cell, and some were beginning to compact. We are so proud of our little embies!

Transfer Update

Since Morrisa is sleeping I will update for her upon her request. She didn't want you guys worrying about her, by not hearing anything.

Wow what a night and start to the weekend. Last night Morrisa was in extreme pain and had a lot of pressure in her upper abdomen and I couldn't take seeing her in that much pain so we agreed that a trip to the E.R. is probably the best thing to do. If anything they could do something for her pain right? So after ultrasounds and hours of waiting to hear from the E.R. doc the verdict was that she had fluid in her abdomen as we suspected from hyper stimulation and she also has fluid in her lungs. We were concerned about her having fluid in her lungs but they spoke with the on call dr at Shady Grove and we can leave and go to Shady Grove in the morning. So at 3:45am we departed for home and left the house this morning at 8am so we could make it to Rockville. She felt sick all night and when she got up this morning vomited a couple times. She also still had a lot of pressure right below her sternum I guess it is (rib cage) and what she said feels like a beach ball in her stomach. They took her right away and did another ultrasound and the dr said that "yes there is fluid but if it were up to him and if we were transferring today he would still go ahead with it." With that said he then told us that they moved our transfer day from today to Monday. He couldn't give us a total number of embies that are still growing but did say that there were quite a few. We have to call first thing tomorrow morning to let them know how she is feeling and we will ask then because we are so curious to know how many of the 10 embies there are remaining. As of a couple hours ago Morrisa was still feeling bad but took something they gave her for her sickness feeling and a vicodin and has been sleeping since. So I will update when I know how she's feeling now and when we hear how many embies we have.

Ten Little Ones!

Yup, that's right, todays report shows that we still have ten little ones growing and dividing like they should. They gave me a tentative time for a transfer tomorrow and will check them tomorrow morning and if all ten, or a good number of them, are still growing strong they will call me at 9:00 a.m. to let me know they will be doing a 5dt on Monday. So right now I am tentatively scheduled for a transfer tomorrow at 1:45. As for how I am feeling, not so great. The pain down below from the retrieval is gone but I still have some pressure on my upper abdomen under my ribs and there is some serious cramping there too. Not sure what is causing it but I did tell my nurse and she told me to call her if it gets worse and they would bring me in for an u/s to make sure there is no fluid collecting there. It almost feels like the stomach virus I just got over! I am hoping that if we do the transfer tomorrow I am feeling better because I don't want to put my embies into a sick body. Also, no one has asked me how many I want to put back. When do we make that decision?

And they're off!

My nurse just called while I was sleeping with great news. She said out of my 16 eggs ALL were mature and that 12 of them have fertilized! She said that is a great report! I realize all 12 won't continue to grow but I am very pleased with the initial number. She also said that it is totally understandable for me to feel like crap and that I should just take it easy and rest. I just called Dh and told him he is a daddy to 12 embies! Please pray that my little embies continue to grow nice and strong!

Ouch!

Wow, I never anticipated being in this much pain. They kept on telling me they really had to push to get to my left ovary so I would be feeling a lot of pain, they weren't kidding. I was anticipating going back to work today but instead I am laying on the couch. So, here is my egg retrieval experience for those of you that haven't had one yet and want to know what to expect.



I woke up yesterday morning already feeling pretty awful, I felt terribly bloated and was in some pain. We arrived at the clinic at about 8:40 a.m. and they called us back at exactly 9:00. They led us back to a room that looked just like a recovery room in a hospital. It had several beds and curtains. They led us to our area which happened to be number one. They gave me a gown, paper booties, and a hair thing and told me to strip down and put everything on and climb into bed. I got dressed in the hot sexy outfit and got into the stretcher which was not very comfortable. Then the anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself and started an IV of what he called Gatorade (like I haven't had enough of that stuff!) I met the nurses and the doctor who would be doing the procedure who was not my usual RE. About ten minutes before we were to begin the procedure they sent me to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then I went back to my area where they came and got me and told me it was time to go to the OR. I gave Dh a tearful hug and a kiss and told him I loved him and followed the anesthesiologist into the OR which was actually the door almost directly across from my recovery area. The OR was really cold and there were about 3 other people in there. They had me sit on the table and I met the embryologist who verified my name and social. The anesthesiologist came over and put something in my IV which made me feel drunk. Then they told me to lay back and put my legs into the stirrups which were not like your standard RE stirrups that you put your feet into but they actually went underneath your knees. The last thing I remember is them strapping my right arm down and then I was out. I don't remember actually waking up, I just remember Dh already being there sitting next to me. Dh says that he had to keep me from falling back asleep because my eyes kept on rolling in the back of my head. The doctor came in and told me that the left side was very difficult and that they had to do a lot of pushing and that I could expect to be in some pain. I was only in a slight amount of pain at that point but within the next couple minutes I was in a lot of pain. I got some pain meds in my IV which only barely took the edge off of the pain. They said they could give me more but I didn't want to get sick so I said no. The doctor came back in and told us she got 16 eggs and also drained 4ccs of free fluid which could indicate pre-hyper stimulation and that we should watch for symptoms. Dh went down to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription for pain medication and came back up to get me and help me dress. My whole lower pelvis hurts and I am having some strange cramps in my upper stomach and my upper stomach is sore, almost like I did some crunches or something. I was definitely not expecting it to hurt this much. I actually think it hurts worse then when I had my gallbladder removed. Hopefully today's rest will help me feel better. I really admire those of you who have done this more than once! I had no idea how much this whole experience would affect my body.



So now I wait for the fertilization report. I have to admit I am nervous but optimistic because out of 16 eggs you would think some would fertilize right?

Egg Retrieval

Since I'm not feeling well click here for my egg retrieval results. I'll be back tomorrow.

Triggering the Egg Farm

First, my ER is scheduled for 10:30 a.m. tomorrow (Wednesday.) I have to be there by 9:00 (why an hour and a half early?) I am not allowed to eat after midnight so I figure by 10:30 I will be starving because I usually eat breakfast at 7:30.

Second, I became terrified of the trigger shot around 8:00 last night. They told me I had to do it at exactly 10:30 so I had to sit around and wait. I got confused about which needle to use to inject it because the RE's instructions weren't very clear. I finally had to call my friend Erin who is an IVF vet and was able to answer my questions and calm my nerves a bit. Then Dh began to freak out. I wasn't freaked out about getting a shot, Lord knows I should be used to being stuck by now, I was freaked out about someone with no medical training sticking that long-ass needle in my..well..ass. I mean surely it would touch the bone, causing me to yelp in pain and jump thereby causing more injury and possibly paralyzing me for life (it did none of these things by the way.) So, when 10:30 rolled around Dh just couldn't do it. I totally blame it on me because I was hysterical with fear and probably caused him to be afraid to hurt me. So I ended up giving myself the trigger shot, I stuck the needle in and had him inject the medication and pull the needle out. I think he felt bad, like he had failed or given up, but really, I totally blame it on myself. So, our first IM needle is done. I told Dh I don't know if I will be able to do the left side though and since we will need to switch sides when we start the PIO he is going to have to try again. The shot wasn't bad, the worst part was sticking it in to the skin, but once it was in I didn't feel it.

I woke up this morning feeling even more uncomfortable than I did yesterday. It is actually uncomfortable to walk. I cried a little this morning because of the uncomfortableness of it all and because despite sleeping I still feel exhausted. I have been drinking Gatorade and Ensure like it is going out of style per the doctor's orders and my nurse told me yesterday to stay away from water. I love drinking water so this is hard for me! I'm not sure I entirely understand why they are insisting on me drinking this nasty stuff but I think maybe it has something to do with keeping me from getting OHSS. I found a really cool video on You Tube showing an egg retrieval
Click Here. I thought it was pretty neat to see the follicles disappear on the u/s. Well, that's about it for now. The next time I update will probably be to tell you how many eggs they got. I might be resting so my amazing dh may make a guest appearance. I love you all and thank you for all of the wonderful comments!

P.s. My poor hubby has been diligently blogging and gets bummed because no one comments on his blog. I told him that he has to comment on other people's blog in order for people to comment on his. He said he does comment on other men's blogs but they don't comment on his and he said while he does read some of your blogs he doesn't know whether it is appropriate to comment and most of the time doesn't know what to say. Any suggestions? I know it can be depressing when you feel like no one is reading your blog.

Egg Farm

Yup, that’s what Dh has been calling me, egg farm. Appointment went well this morning besides the fact that the clinic was slammed this morning and I ended up being an hour late for work. My appointment was at 7:15 and they didn't call me back until 7:50. There was a lady that came in with her friend (the friend was VERY obviously pregnant) and while they were waiting they proceeded to pull out baby shower planning books and plan her baby shower. I don’t think I need to tell any of you how rude that it. Who takes their very pregnant friend to a fertility clinic and then proceeds to loudly plan a baby shower? It is just amazing to me how someone who has been dealing with infertility would even think to do something like that. Anyway, my u/s went well, I have had the same sonographer for the last three days and I really like her. She really takes her time and measures everything carefully and shows me all of the measurements when she is finished. All of my follies have continued to grow and while I don’t know the exact numbers on each because there was too many to remember I know that there was a 22, some 20s, some 19s, some 18s, and a 17, and a gazillion smaller ones. All in all she measured 9 follies today. My lining was nice and thick although I can’t remember what that was either. The u/s the past two days have been somewhat painful, I suppose from the pressure of my expanding ovaries. After the u/s we met with another nurse and she went over trigger instructions! So now we wait for a call from my nurse and assuming that nothing alarming has happened with my bloodwork we will most likely be triggering tonight! I can’t wait to get these little buggers out of me because I am very uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable to walk or bend over. Assuming that we trigger tonight the ER will be on Wednesday. I was told today that after my nurse calls someone from the surgery center will call and let me know the exact time of the ER and the exact time to do the trigger. Then 3DT would be on Saturday and 5DT would be on Monday. I am nervous about the trigger shot, it will be our first IM shot. Eek! I still can’t get it through my head that we might actually finish a cycle, whatever the outcome. That probably doesn’t make a lot of sense to some of you but when you have had as many cancelled cycles as I have had you come to expect that a cycle will be cancelled. Although in the past my cycles have always been cancelled due to no response to the medication and they were not IVF cycles. So, I am waiting for the call from my nurse with hopefully some good news!

**Updated** It's official! We will be triggering tonight with ER taking place on Wednesday! I am still waiting for a call from the OR scheduler to tell me the exact time for the ER. I can't believe we got this far! I am beyond excited! FYI- I have 37 follicles which are smaller than the 9 she measured, but I don't know the size. My e2 level was at 3,488! Wish me luck on our first IM shot tonight, I'm scared!! I am also excited because I have several fellow bloggers who will be my cycle buddies, how awesome is that!

Weekend Updates

I decided to put both my Saturday and Sunday updates into one post since most people don't check the blog until Monday.

Saturday: We went to the RE's office in Annapolis today since our regular RE isn't open on the weekends. They measured about 8 follies (they said they measure only the biggest 8) and they all ranged in size from about 14mm to 16mm. So, it looks like some are taking off and growing and not all 31! I snuck another peak at my e2 level from Friday and it was 800 something. The nurse just called and told me that my e2 went up to 1366 (which she said was fantastic.) She told me to stay on my same dose of meds and come back in tomorrow morning. She said I will now be coming in every day until trigger. I asked her if she knew when I might be triggering and she said they want most of the follies to get to 18 to 20mm so maybe in the next couple of days. So, so far it's good news! We just need to hope that my e2 continues to rise as my follies continue to grow and we should be triggering in the next couple of days with ER sometime next week. I will update tomorrow. Please continue to pray that everything goes smoothly!

Sunday: Today we had lots of nice sized follies with most between 16 and 18 and there was one 20. Again, she only measured 8 so who knows how many there actually are. My e2 jumped again to 2,175 so they cut the Menopur in half this time and kept me at the 50 units of Follistim. I have to go back in tomorrow morning again. I am hoping that I will be ready to trigger tomorrow. To say I am uncomfortable is an understatement! I am very uncomfortable and bloated feeling. I have been drinking a lot more Gatorade like they told me to drink. Hopefully the way I am feeling is normal but since I have never done this before I'm not sure. I am resting and laying on the couch today. I am hoping that everything is going according to plan and no one has given me any indication to be concerned so that's good enough for me. I will update tomorrow.

And we wait...

…again. I went to visit the Re’s office AGAIN this morning. My lining is thicker (she didn’t tell me the measurement nor did I really care) and I have 4 measurable follies, 3 at 10mm and one at 11 mm and of course a bazillion little buggers. But, all in all I am uninterested in the u/s results at this point, it’s the b/w results that really matter. I did however take a peak at my chart which they left up on the computer screen while I was getting dressed (okay, really I stood there with no pants while I perused the chart but whatever.) What did I find out you ask? Well, I found out that I have had 8 completed IUIs with them and who knows how many cancelled cycles, but, the most interesting thing I found out is that when my nurse called on Monday to tell me that my e2 dropped “low enough” what she really meant was that it dropped to 64, which is only 3 points lower than the time before. I’m interested in this because they told me it needed to drop below 50 before I could start stims because then I could possibly overstim. Hmmm…could that be the reason my e2 skyrocketed? I’m not sure what happened, maybe the doctor just decided that it had dropped low enough, maybe he just decided that I am such a hopeless case that there was no point in waiting, I’m not sure but I am going to ask when they call. I do trust my doctor to make the right decisions so I am sure he had a good reason. So, the bottom line is I have no idea what the future holds for this cycle, I have no idea if I am on the brink of being cancelled or if adjustments can fix the e2 issue. I suppose the only thing left to do is wait for the call. I am hoping that the fact that a few follies seem to be growing bigger than the others is a good sign, meaning that they all aren’t growing at the same rate but I really have no idea. I hate the fact that I can’t control this, I am such a control freak and this is killing me! I will update when I hear the news…whatever it may be.

***Updated*** My nurse just called. The first thing she said was, "did you see how they were able to measure some of you follicles today?" She said that is exactly what they are looking for, some follicles to take the lead and not all 30 of them to go crazy. She said they are going to lower my dose again to 50 units of Follistim and keep the 75 units of Menopur the same. I didn't ask about the e2 level because I didn't want to know. I thought it would create more stress if I knew the number. She said the reason they are decreasing the Follistim again is because they want to feed the dominant follies and not all of the other little ones. I have to go back tomorrow morning for another u/s & b/w. I'm not really sure what to think, I agree with the slow & steady approach and have no problem with them lowering my Follistim dose as long as things continue to grow as they should. I am hoping and praying that my body cooperates but I would like to have more than 4 follies, I'm not even sure that is enough to do an ER. But I have to take one thing at a time and right now my goal is NOT to get cancelled. So I will consider this a small...very small victory. I was already prepared that I would have to go in every day for u/s & b/w but it is good to know that my RE is taking the time to watch me closely and not just blowing me off. I wish this were easier, I wish I could just have a normal cycle, but nothing about my body is normal. I also think that although I might think that other people have "normal cycles" they are just as stressful as my crazy cycle. This is one of those things that is going to teach me to lean on God, my husband, and all of you for support when I just can't do it myself, and I am thankful every single day that I got the chance to meet all of you. Anyway, enough sappy crap, for now I am cautiously optimistic and that doesn't happen very often. I might update this weekend with my u/s & b/w results but I might not, so don't worry if you don't hear from me. Have a good weekend, hopefully the weather wherever you are is just as beautiful as it is here.

P.S. Where is everyone today? No blog updates from most of you, no comments, is there some sort of infertile women convention going on somewhere that I missed?

Another Road Bump

Well, I just got a call from my nurse. I now have 31 follicles total, all too small to measure and my e2 has skyrocketed to 494. So, I have to cut my Follistim dose in half (75 iu), continue on the 75 iu of Menopur and go back tomorrow morning. I swear, I wonder what it is like to have a normal uneventful cycle? Guess I will never know. There is no doubt that all of this is being caused by my PCOS. I know 31 follicles sounds great but it isn't. If there are too many follicles then none of them will get big enough to retrieve. So, now we have to try to slow my body down. I just have a very bad feeling that my very first IVF cycle is going to end up getting cancelled. Maybe I should join a circus to raise money for more treatments, but I guess not too many people want to look at the freak with the defective ovaries. Anyway, I will update tomorrow morning although obviously the secret lies in the bloodwork at least for me. Please pray, or send your thoughts, or whatever you do, that my body cooperates for once.

Also, please stop by and give Erin a hug, she got a negative beta today and could use some support.

Boring Post

I went to the RE today after 3 days of stims (today will be day 4.) My lining was 8 point something (can't remember the exact number) and all was quiet, which I am told is good because we don't want anything happening too early. So, I think it is a good result so far as long as the b/w looks okay. I also found out that I had 27 antral follicles! Holy cow! I wonder how closely this number correlates to how many eggs you end up with? Anyone know? I also got to see Erin briefly as she was coming in for her beta. If you get a chance please stop over and give her some support while she waits for her beta results. So, I think I will probably stay on the same doses and they will probably have me come back on Saturday.

"All Stimmed Up"

Well, like the title says, I am officially all stimmed up! (Yes, yes, I know it's bad english) I think having to stick more than one needle in me got to Dh a bit last night. He hesitated a bit but he did a great job. When he dialed the Follistim Pen I couldn't believe how much of a dose it was! We had some issues figuring out the Menopur but we finally figured it out. I also did my 5 units of Lupron this morning. So I guess we are finally in the next phase of this process. I am still not feeling all that great but I haven't thrown up since yesterday afternoon so hopefully that is done. I still have the toher issue every time I eat something but hopefully that will clear up shortly. Well, that's about all I have to day for now. Thanks for all the well wishes, it means a lot!

Lurpon Eval 3.0

I want to apologize for not posting this morning and also for this being a somewhat short post. I have been really sick this weekend! I have had diarrhea since Wednesday evening. On Friday I had a fever of 102. We decided to go to Gettysburg anyway so that we didn't waste our money. I spent the whole weekend being sick and we didn't leave the hotel room. On Saturday night I started throwing up also. So we left and came home early Sunday morning and headed to my doctor's office. They wanted to give me an IV with some fluids since I was so dehydrated and couldn't even keep water down. They were able to start an IV right in the doctor's office (who knew?) It took three people one hour to find a vein and some horribly painful sticking. I spent about 5 hours total at the doctors office. Basically I have a stomach virus and I also learned that I have a UTI. I didn't notice that I had the UTI due to all of the other issues with my stomach. I was still throwing up this morning so I stayed home from work and Dh stayed home to take care of me. I did go to my Lupron eval 3.0 today. It hurt so bad when they put the wand in because of the UTI. Everything still looked good and I got a call from my nurse not too long ago saying that my e2 finally dropped. She is supposed to call me back shortly with a final confirmation that everything is okay to begin (I think because they can only have so many people starting stims on the same day.) I think I puked out all of my e2! So, that's it for me now, I am so tired. I will update when I get the call from my nurse.

P.S. Thank all of you for letting me wallow in my self pity. Every now and then we all need some time to feel sorry for ourselves and that was my time. I appreciate all of the warm words and prayers. You ladies are the best!

**Updated** I got the official okay to start my stims tonight! We finally get to start! I am so relieved that we finally got past the suppression phase. Lets hope my ovaries respond well to the stims. I will be doing 150 units of Follistim and 75 units of Menopur starting tonight and tomorrow morning I drop the Lupron down to 5 units. I go on Thursday for my first u/s. Hopefully by then the UTI pain will be gone!

My Body Sucks!

Well, once again, my body defies and mystifies medical science. My e2 went down to 67, still not low enough to stim. So, I have to go back on Monday but judging that it only went down 10 points in three days it likely won't be low enough on Monday. So I am probably in for another 6 days of Lupron before I even start the stims. It sucks, but once again proves why it pays to be pessimistic (and no, stress is not causing my e2 to stay elevated.) So, what can I do except keep on doing the evil Lupron? It will just add to my crappy weekend having to spend a weekend away lying in bed because I have a stomach virus. Not only that but we will be paying $300 to be lying in bed. If we cancel they will charge us the full amount. The crazy thing is, I have tried searching the Internet to find other who have been in my situation and I have come up with nothing. You mean to tell me I am the only one out there who has had this issue (it doesn't surprise me honestly but still)? Oh well, maybe I can be on Oprah or something. Please allow me my time to wallow in self pity...thanks. Maybe I will post from our bed & breakfast if they have internet access.

Lupron Eval 2.0

I had my second (and hopefully last) Lupron evaluation today. All looks good, my lining is at a 5.8 now (it was 7.2 on cd3) so hopefully this means my e2 has dropped. We wont really know anything until we get the bloodwork results though. I had a sonographer that I have never met before today and I didn’t like her very much. She didn’t even turn the screen so I could see it so I sat up to look until she got the hint. I am dealing with a stomach virus of sorts and have had terrible diarrhea for 2 days now (sorry TMI.) I can’t eat anything without immediately having to go to the bathroom. I didn’t sleep well at all last night and had to get up three times to use the bathroom. I just feel awful and I cant seem to shake it. I still have some pain in the left side of my abdomen which I assuming is being caused by this virus. It sucks because we leave tonight for our weekend getaway and I don’t want to be sick during it. But, they will charge us if we cancel and I have been looking forward to this for a long time so no matter what I am going. So, now we wait for a call from my nurse to see whether we can actually start stims tonight. I will update when I hear.

Some Reassurance

Okay, so my nurse never returned my phone call so I called her again this morning. She happened to answer the phone this time though. I told her I was a little concerned about the e2 level being high. I told her what I read on the internet (because you know if you read it on the internet it must be true.) Here is basically what she told me:

* I have PCOS so I have an abundance of follicles so I don’t need to worry about diminishing ovarian reserve.

* They would definitely tell me if I got a bad test result, meaning something to worry about.

* Some people need to be on Lupron longer than others. She thinks that because my lining was still shedding (I still had a very heavy flow up until yesterday) that it was the reason for the higher e2 levels. She said uterine lining can raise the estrogen levels.

* If I go back on Friday and my e2 is still too high they may either increase my Lupron or just have me do the Lupron for a few more days, BUT this is not something that will cause them to cancel my cycle, we will just have to delay it until however long my body takes.

So, with that being said I feel much better. I just have to convince myself not to be too upset if it is still a little high on Friday. So wish me luck tomorrow! Also, we are leaving for Gettysburg tomorrow for a much needed and much deserved mini-vacation rain or no rain.

Oh Bother...

So, I am feeling pretty down in the dumps today both emotionally and physically. Of course I consulted Dr. Google about the high e2 levels and saw scary things like “diminished ovarian reserve.” So, now I am totally convinced that not only is this IVF cycle going to be cancelled but that I am going to receive a new more horrible diagnosis on top of the PCOS. I looked back at my e2 levels from my IUI/injectable cycle and my day 3 e2 was also high, 105. I read that a normal day 3 e2 level should be below 75 for a non IVF cycle so even the 105 was high. No one ever mentioned that this number was high. So I am a bit concerned. I did call my nurse back and leave a message shortly after we hung up but have yet to hear back from her. It is kind of annoying how you have to wait so long for someone just to call you back with an answer to a question but I understand they are busy. I had a pretty rough day yesterday. My boss was in a pissy mood and once I got the news that we had to postpone starting the stims my day just got worse and worse. I was so looking forward to actually starting this cycle and was optimistic. I told Dh that this is exactly why I don’t get optimistic about things because things always go wrong and then I am disappointed. This is just another example of why being pessimistic works for me as a defense mechanism. So, while I am trying to stay positive I am expecting them to tell me my e2 has not gone down on Friday. I asked the question on a couple of message boards and got absolutely no responses. Leave it to my body to do something weird that no one else has heard of. Last night I started having a lot of pain in my left lower abdomen, like a lot of pressure. I have had diarrhea (sorry TMI) all morning and couldn't finish my breakfast. So on top of all of this I have some sort of stomach issue going on. It is yet another gloomy rainy day outside which adds to my misery quite nicely. Also, it is supposed to rain all weekend thereby making our weekend away at Gettysburg difficult because frankly there isn’t a whole lot to do inside there. So, I guess what I am really saying is that I could use some hugs and soothing words to calm my fears. Anyone offering free hugs? I'm off to see if I can fit my head in the microwave...

Crap

Well, because my body refuses to do anything "by the book" it has decided that it is not quite ready for stims. My nurse just called and said that my E2 was at 78 and it needs to be below 50 to start the stims. So I have to continue the 20 units of Lupron and go back on Friday for them to retest. I have no idea what this means and I will be consulting Dr. Google as soon as I am done this post. So, lets hope that my E2 drops to where it should be on Friday. Man I hate my stupid body! The one good thing in all of this is that we wont have to come into the clinic during our weekend away...oh joy...

Loopy Lupron

Well, as the title indicates I have now entered the realm of Lupron induced craziness. Yesterday I had terrible mood swings. I was so emotional and just feeling awful. I haven't been sleeping well and I think that, in addition to all of the stress lately, PMS, and the Lupron made for one emotional and just downright insane woman last night. God bless my sweet Dh who just rubbed my feet and tried to get me to take a nap. I really don't know how I would get through this without him. I am feeling much better today but although I took a sleeping pill before bed last night I still don't feel like I slept well. I am also feeling a bit overwhelmed by the comments of people in our lives about the death of Dh's grandfather and "new life." You know the ones, when someone dies everyone says that maybe a new life will come soon. I want to believe that, I honestly do. I want to believe that "Pop" is going to go up there and tell God that we are ready for our miracle baby. I'm not saying it is not going to happen, but it could also not happen too.

Anyway, lets get to the real reason you are here reading this entry. I had my Lupron evaluation this morning. It is basically to make sure that the Lupron has done its job and suppressed my ovaries (ie. no big cysts.) My lining is thin, I think she said it was at a 6, and my ovaries are nice and suppressed. In fact, they almost didn't look polycystic at all today. I could hardly see the antral follicles they were so small. So lets hope I am not over suppressed! So, as long as my E2 is nice and low I will start my stims tonight. I will be doing 150 units of Follistim and 75 units of menopur every night and I will be dropping my Lupron down to 5 units starting tomorrow morning. So Dh will get to stick me 3 times which he is thrilled about. So, I have met my first goal for this cycle which was to pass my suppression check. My next goal is to notice some sort of follicle growth on my next u/s which is on Friday morning. Wish me luck!

The Calm

Finally, I feel like things are starting to calm down. Lets get the most exciting news out of the way first, AF is here!! Yay! Today is CD2! My body actually did something on time. AF actually came on the estimated day they said it would come on my protocol...imagine that..something happening on time! So I called my nurse this morning to schedule my Lurpron evaluation which will most likely be tomorrow morning. Then, assuming that there aren't any cysts, we will start stims tomorrow night. I am curious what does my doc will put me on for the stims. I am also curious about how the monitoring appointments are going to affect our little trip this weekend. I wonder if my doctor is really serious about having me come in every day? Well, if we have to we will have to drive from Gettysburg to Annapolis both Saturday and Sunday morning. It will be a little annoying but either way, we will do what we have to do.

We went to the viewing on Thursday night. I was okay until everyone left and it was just the family and Dh's grandmother had to say her goodbyes. She kept saying that it would be the last time she would ever see him. We told her no, it would not be the last time, and not to say goodbye but see you later. I told her if she ever wants to see him all she has to do is close her eyes. The funeral on Friday was the most beautiful funerals I have ever been to. I didn't really look behind me to see how many people were there but I am sure it was a lot. We were so exhausted when we got home.

Saturday was Dh's party which turned out wonderful. Hopefully I can post some pictures soon. It was good to see everyone there and have a reason to celebrate. My Dh deserves only the best and it was so nice to see everyone there to celebrate his birthday. I can't even begin to describe what a wonderful husband he is! Happy 30th birthday Shawn!

Well, that's about it for now, I could go on and on but my belly is upset today so I will update later!

No More BCPs!

IVF UPDATE: Yay! I took my last BCP last night and then threw the empty pack into the trash! So now we continue the Lupron and wait for AF. I stopped spotting (after spotting for a week straight) but hopefully AF wont wait too long to come. Dh is still a little nervous with the needle but he is getting better. I'm not sure if I have any symptoms from the Lurpon or not. I have had headaches off and on the past couple of days but I think it could be due to stress too. But so far I haven't had any hotflashes or anything crazy like that. I have also decided to begin taking my Metformin again. I'm not sure I ever really took the Met the right way (three times a day) for any significant period of time but I'm willing to give it a shot. I figure it wouldn't hurt to kick my body into gear during the IVF cycle. So..now we wait.

FAMILY UPDATE: Last night was really hard. We wen't over to Dh's grandmother's house and put together some picture boards with pictures of Dh's grandfather to display at the viewing and funeral. I was sticking the pictures to the boards and looking at all of these memories of such an amazing life. Dh's grandmother had a bit of a rough night last night and had a few bouts of tears when we were putting the pictures on the board. She was so tired around 9 p.m. but she wouldn't go to sleep because she didn't want to be up in her bedroom alone. I held in all of my tears until I got home and then I just let go. The viewing is tonight and the funeral is tomorrow. It will be tough, but I will get through it. Right now it is most important to be there for Dh's grandmother and to keep her company when she needs it.

A Beautiful End

First, thank you for all of the thoughts and prayers. Unfortunately we didn't make it in time to see Dh's grandfather before he passed. However, we did spend about 5 hours with him the night before. I am so glad we got to spend that time with him. He was so much like his old self during that time. He was joking and laughing and enjoying a bowl of ice cream (savoring every morsel is what he said.) He passed away at 9:20 a.m. on April 1st. We got there around 10:00. We did get to spend some time with him before the funeral home came and took him away. We were told that he got the most amazing look of peace on his face when he passed. The viewing will be on Thursday and the funeral will be on Friday. We are also still going forward with Dh's birthday party because his grandfather was adamant that he was coming and even made them order him a wheelchair, so I believe he will be there, but he won't need a wheelchair. We spent the day with Dh's family. His grandmother was doing pretty well although I could tell she was overwhelmed. It turned out to be an absolutely beautiful day. Dh's grandfather loved nature and I believe that Heaven was celebrating because he finally came home. So, here's to a beautiful ending to an amazing life, we are rejoicing that you are finally walking in Heaven with Jesus:

Please Pray

My husband's grandfather is not doing well. Hospice has called and asked all of the family to come and be with him. Please pray for comfort and peace during this difficult time for our family and that his grandfather will not feel any pain when he finally rests in the arms of our Savior.