Monday, March 31, 2008

Lurpon Monday!

Well, as the title indicates I am no longer a Lupron virgin! I had Dh give me the first shot this morning. I have obviously done SQ injections in the past but I wanted Dh to do it so he could get used to sticking a needle in me before the IM shots. He was nervous at first but he did a great job. It burned a little for a second but nothing too bad. I am terrified of the horrible side effects that some people say they have but hopefully I will be one of the lucky ones. Only 3 more BCPs to go!

We had a pretty uneventful weekend. We too MIL to breakfast on Saturday and then spent the day making our pet rock favors and scanning pictures of Dh for his party. He he, he is going to kill me when he sees some of the pictures I scanned! Sunday was the usual Sunday filled with church stuff. I still haven't gotten a few RSVPs for Dh's party even though the RSVP deadline was Saturday. I just don't understand why it is so hard for people to RSVP. Don't they realize I need a final headcount for food and seating!
Anyway, that's about it for now! Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

Friday, March 28, 2008

Happy Friday!

Happy Friday everyone! Not much to report here except that I am spotting. Well, I actually starting spotting brown yesterday evening. This morning when I woke up it was more than spotting but not quite AF flow. Now it has lightened up a bit but is still there. I called my nurse and she said it is very common for women to spot while on BCPs and that sometimes if the flow gets to be heavier Dr. O will tell them to take two pills a day instead of one. But she said I am so close to the end of my pills (6 more days!) that if it does get heavier don’t worry about it. I didn’t ask her what happens if I get full flow and I am still on BCPs (whether I count it a CD 1 or what) but I guess I will worry about it if it happens. I’m not too concerned, I’m actually hoping that AF will come as soon as I stop the BCPs so I don’t have to sit around and wait for her to come and I can start stims sooner! The only thing that sucks is I have been having intense AF-like cramps for over a week now. I am so tried of being crampy and feeling like I have AF when I don’t! I feel bad because I feel like Dh might think I am just trying to avoid being intimate but I swear I have had these cramps and pains all darn week which doesn’t make me feel much like being romantic. I get to do my first Lurpon shot on Monday morning which I am going to have Dh do so he can get used to sticking me with a needle, plus then I don’t have to stick myself. I am a little nervous to have someone else stick me but he is the most gentle man I know and I know he will do just fine. I am also spending Saturday with my MIL so we can finish planning Dh’s party. This will be the last weekend for the party and we need to finish our favors (pet rocks!) and go over the menu. Lastly, my friend Erin is probably getting her ER this Sunday and I am so excited for her! I really hope this is the month for us both and that we can share in the experience together! I can’t believe that we are really finally doing IVF! After 5 ½ years of TTC, countless heartaches, sacrificing, fundraising, saving, and tons of prayers we are finally going to do it! I am so scared my body wont do something right, as it has been pretty good at screwing up in the past. I can’t help but think back to the cycles upon cycles that were cancelled because of failure to produce ANY follicles. I am so scared that is going to happen this time. Or I am scared that there won’t be any eggs in the follicles when they go to retrieve them. The list goes on and on of all of the things I am scared of. I hate what PCOS has done to my body (weight gain, acne, annovulation) and I am hoping that it doesn’t screw me over once again. So, my goal for now if to simply produce some follicles and get to the ER. Then my goal will be to have healthy embryos…etc. One step at a time. Have a wonderful weekend and on Monday I will be back to report on Dh’s first attempt at shooting me up!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Another Loss

I just wanted to let you all know to stop by and give some comforting words to Busted. I have been following her story from the beginning of her pregnancy and was shocked to discover that she lost her twins. I know we all say we are close, that we really feel a connection, but for me it took something like this for me to realize just how much of a connection I feel with all of you. When I read her news yesterday I went home and cried for her like I knew her in person. It didn't matter that I only read her blog and have never actually met her face to face. I felt an overwhelming sadness at the injustice of what she went through. I never imagined when I started blogging just how special it would become and how many amazing women I would meet because of it. It helps so much to know that I have a whole army of women standing right there beside me cheering me on. I can only hope that I provide even half of the support to all of you that you provide to me. So anyway, I guess this is a virtual hug to all of you out there that have touched me more than you will ever know. Please pray for Busted and her husband, they have a long hard road ahead of them.

On an unrelated note, I have noticed an increase in lurkers...come out and say hi!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

My Easter Bunny

I had my own personal Easter bunny this year. Who might it be you ask? My Easter bunny is about six feet, with the most adorable puppy dog brown eyes, a shy grin, and a crazy sense of humor. Getting any warmer? Okay, okay, my Easter bunny was no other than my amazing hubby. What did he bring me you ask? Maybe jellybeans? No. Maybe chocolate bunnies? No. Maybe peanut butter eggs? Nope. This is what he brought me...

Yup, you guessed it, my hubby picked up my meds on Friday. This was my bag of goodies. He came in with a huge shopping bag full of drugs. I was actually surprised that I wasn't overwhelmed by the amount of medications. I guess because I expected it to be this much. I think Dh was a bit overwhelmed at the amount though. But, imagine our horror when we looked at this:

This my friends is the PIO needle. Holy cow! I know I have a big a$$ but it seems like this thing might come out the other end! Good thing my butt is numb from my back injury, I may not feel it at all. I was also surprised that there was not more PIO. There was only 2 vials, it didn't seem like a lot at all. This stuff is supposed to last me 2 weeks? I was also surprised to see some kind of vaginal suppositories. I thought I was done shoving nasty things in my lady bits! So not only do I have to do the PIO shots I have to use these things too? There was also a third type of progesterone in pill form. My RE doesn't mess around when it comes to the progesterone! All in all I am happy that everything is paid for and we are ready to go. The sub-q needles don't look bad at all, they are the same size as my Follistim pen needle. I am excited and ready to go! On 3/31 we start Lupron and I can't wait! I am even more excited to stop taking the BCPs. They are not nice to me! I don't feel nauseous when I take them anymore because I take them right before I go to sleep but I have been having af-like cramps for over a week now and it is getting a little old. I have also been feeling extremely tired and have been falling asleep or going to sleep earlier. I want to get back to exercising, I was doing so well until the chemical pg. I need to get back with it but I find myself so exhausted.

I think the tiredness might be due to stress as well. As you can imagine we have quite a bit going on in our lives right now. Of course we have the stress of starting the IVF cycle and all of the fears that go along with that. Then we have Dh's birthday party which is in 2 weeks. I have to finalize all of the arrangements with that and get all of the planning done. I still have some shopping to do for the party and I need to make the favors which MIL will be helping me with. Then we have the situation with Dh's grandfather. Dh's grandfather told us he wants to come home because he has something he needs to do and it has to be done at home. We have no idea what he is talking about but we respect his wishes. He came home yesterday in an ambulance and he has a hospice nurse coming to visit and take care of him when he needs it. He will not be taking anymore platelets or transfusions so we have no idea when his time will come. The whole situation is hard for me. Not only because I love Dh's grandfather and I think he is an amazing man who has taught me so much about faith, but because I love my FIL and I hate to see him upset. My father-in-law has been like the father I never had, he has always treated me the way I always hoped my father would treat me but never did. So when I see him hurt it hurts me too. It is also hard to see Dh hurt. When I see him hurt I want so bad to be able to take it away but I can't. Lastly, everything that is happening with Dh's grandfather brings back a lot of memories of what it was like for me when my father was sick. It is the most horrible feeling in the world to see someone you love suffer so much. It is even harder to "wait" for someone to die. It makes you think a lot about your own mortality and how life is such a blessing and there are so many times when we take it for granted.

Anyway, enough about the sad stuff. Remember, don't forget to watch Ghost Hunter on the Sci-Fi channel on Wednesday so you can see them investigate the hotel Dh and I will be staying at in Gettysburg!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

"A Winner Either Way"

First, thank you all for the kind words regarding Dh’s grandfather. When we arrived at the hospital last night Dh’s GP was in really good spirits. He looked pretty good except for being thin and a little yellow. He was still his old self and still joking and smiling. Then the doctor came in and talked to us and I am glad he did because Dh’s grandparents are not very honest with us about his medical condition. The bottom line is that his lymphoma is back and his body is attacking itself. His platelets are supposed to be somewhere around 20,000 (I think that is what he said) and they are at 500. So basically we have to be careful how we touch him because we can cause him to bleed under his skin if he is not careful. The doctor explained that he wanted to move him to critical care to make sure that we make him comfortable for what time he has left. He asked Dh’s GP if he wanted to be intubated if he stopped breathing on his own and he said no. The doctor recommended that he not be intubated anyway because it would just cause further bleeding. The doctor gave us the impression that he maybe has a few days if that. Dh’s GP is still in good spirits and totally conscious of what is going on. He can still stand and sit and even gave Dh’s GM a kiss last night. He told us that he doesn’t want to suffer anymore and he said something to all of us that will stick with me for the rest of my life, he said, either way, if he lives or dies he is a winner. He has an amazing faith in God and knows exactly where he will be going to spend his eternity. I am so truly blessed to have known him in my lifetime. I know the next couple of weeks will be hard for our family. I think hearing him speak and seeing how gracefully he is handling his own mortality has changed me in ways I can’t even begin to describe. I think it will help me deal with the IVF and all the stress that comes along with it. The family will be coming in from out of town over the next couple of days to visit. Although sometimes I can’t help but think that some of them are in denial about what is happening. I e-mailed some of the cousins to remind them that they really should come see him tonight if possible because we really don’t know how much longer it will be. One of them said something like, “I hope he gets better soon.” Now, I’m all for hope and I do believe in miracles but I am also not a person to ignore reality or to live in a fantasy world. I’m sorry to say that if something happens to him and they don’t get the chance to say their goodbyes they will regret it. I do know that I am happy that I got to spend the last few hours of my father’s life with him even if he wasn’t couscous. I will never forget what a blessing it was to get a chance to tell him the things I never got to say while he was alive. But, there is nothing I can do in that respect. We are headed back up to the hospital tonight to see him.

On the IF front, I ordered my meds yesterday and they should be in on Friday. I am so excited to get started! I have been having some AF like cramps since the mock transfer but I am supposing that is normal. Sometimes I really feel like she is coming! I guess it is from the poking and prodding on my cervix or perhaps from the water that was put into my uterus. I really can’t wait until we start the Lupron just so I feel like we are doing something! It seems these last few weeks have been going by so slow!

Also, Dh planned a birthday weekend for me in Gettysburg. We are actually going to do it the weekend of April 11th though (my birthday isn’t until May 13th ) because I want to stay at the Cashtown Inn and that is the only weekend they had left. The room we are staying in is beautiful (the Pender Suite.) I love Gettysburg and the history behind it all and I am so excited to stay there again! Plus the Cashtown Inn is supposed to be haunted and will actually be featured on Ghost Hunters (my favorite show) next Wednesday! So excited! Poor Dh, he probably wont sleep a wink! I hope the weather is nice that weekend. I don’t know where we will be as far as starting our stims and I know my RE wants to see me every day so hopefully that won’t interfere with our weekend but we will figure it out somehow. If worst comes to worst we could always just drive all the way down, see the RE and drive back but that would be a heck of a drive! I’m not going to stress about it now though, I’m sure it will all work out just fine.

Well, that’s about all I have for now..I’m off to the hospital in a few for another emotionally draining night. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Mock Transfer

I had my mock transfer today! Here’s the play by play for those of you out there who are looking for that sort of thing:

We arrived at the clinic at exactly 8:30. I was given a consent form to review and sign. This is when I found out that I was also getting the saline sonogram (there is a real name but I am too lazy to look it up.) I immediately freaked out because I thought it would feel like the HSG and I didn’t get my friend the torodol shot and I was afraid I would pass out on the table again. We were called back to he room and I was told to empty my bladder and undress from the waist down (same old same old.) Dr. O came in and explained the procedure to me and what to expect. Dh was allowed in the room and stood by my head and held my hand. The Dr. inserted the speculum (on a side not, does anyone else hate this thing more than the fanny cam? I can never get used to the speculum) and then inserted the catheter I did feel some mild af like cramps when the catheter passed through my cervix. The doctor then removed the speculum (thank God!) and began to put the saline into my uterus. It was really kind of cool to see a little pocket fill up with the liquid. You could see it get bigger as more liquid was injected. The doctor said all looks good! So yay, no aliens hanging out in my uterus or anything! I did also ask Dr. O about whether the fact that my left ovary is very difficult to find will make it hard to retrieve the eggs from my left side. He said it can cause a problem or make it difficult and sometimes in extreme cases they cannot retrieve the eggs from one side due to a bowel being in the way and them being unable to move it but he also said that most of the time they are able to push things out of the way to get to the ovary so hopefully that will be the case for me. I was then told to get dressed and meet with our nurse and sign our consents. It was a fairly quick process because we already knew what decisions we would make regarding freezing embryos and such. We also got a video to show us how to do the IM shots so we cont have to take the whole injection class and miss anymore time from work. Dh will go tomorrow and pay our deposit since he forgot the checkbook today (silly Dh). I also got the prices for all of my meds and they should be ready to pick up in a couple of days! I am finally starting to get excited about this whole process! I’m still scared to death and I have already conjured up every possible scenario of things that can go wrong and convinced myself that more than likely one or all of them will happen to me. But, I have to trust in God that He is leading me down the right path.

In other news, Dh’s grandfather is very sick and it looks like he may not have much longer so our family could use some prayers as we know we have some tough times coming up ahead. I wish this didn’t have to happen so close to Dh’s birthday party (or anytime really.) I will update when I know more…

Monday, March 17, 2008


Happy Monday to all out there in the blogging world! I am continuing to read everyone’s updates but I haven’t really commented much. It’s not that I don’t want to comment but I often feel like I don’t have anything to say. I had a pretty good weekend, at least for the first half of the weekend. On Friday we relaxed and watched tv, nothing too exciting. On Saturday we got up early and headed to the MVA to renew my driver’s license. My picture on the new license really looks like a mugshot!! I might scan the picture just to show you. Then we headed off to the party store to pick out table covers, napkins, and plates for Dhs party. I knew I wanted a variety of bright colors (it is a 70’s party after all) and had a nice blue shade picked out for the table covers when Dh comes striding up to me with a hideous orange color! He insists that he wants this orange color as the table covers. No matter how much I tried to talk him out of it he wouldn’t budge so I ended up getting the orange table cover, with green plates, and blue cups (they all match the 70’s disco party napkins we found.) If anyone knows me they can vouch that it takes a lot for me to give in, and for me to give in to purchasing the hideous orange table covers is really an accomplishment. But, how could I say no, he was so insistent and it is his party. I found out later that the orange is the same color of the dukes of hazard car (which is why he likes the color.) So he won that battle, but I will still win the rest! Then we went grocery shopping which we needed to do desperately. We spent the rest of the day doing a good spring cleaning. It was a fairly nice day and we were able to open the windows for most of the day. My sweet little kitties got to bask in the sun and smell the fresh air which they always enjoy. It was so cute to watch Sarah (the grey one) chase her shadow, so cute! We watched the Borne Ultimatum (the third one in the series on Saturday evening.)

On Sunday we got up early to eat cereal for breakfast before church. We did our music cantata this Sunday. I am still suffering from my cough and I noticed that sometimes when I sing nothing comes out, but I did my best. I also notice that I have a talent, I can make the palms that they hand out on palm Sunday into little crosses! We then went to the in-laws house so that MIL and I could scan pictures for a slide show I am doing for Dh’s birthday party. We were scanning when Dh’s grandmother came over in tears (his grandparents live next door to his parents.) Dh’s grandfather has been sick for a long time. Two years ago we found out he had lymphoma and he has been in and out of the hospital since. The cancer was in remission for a while but we think it is back. I think he is finally tired of fighting. He doesn’t want to do the chemo again and refuses to have a biopsy done on a nodule they found in his lung. He is 84 years old and he has made peace with facing his own death and knows exactly where he is going. Yesterday he was having a lot of trouble breathing and we had to call an ambulance to take him to the hospital. He has a very low white and red blood cell count and is so weak he can hardly move. They are going to do a blood transfusion but are waiting for another doctor to look at him. It is hard to see someone suffer so much. I feel so bad for Dh and his family. Dh’s father is understandably upset and you can tell he is very stressed over everything that is going on, it is never easy to lose a parent. It seems that no one knows the prognosis. Obviously we know that there is no cure for his cancer but we do not know the severity of what he is currently suffering from and how much time he has. I don’t see my Dh cry often, but when I do it breaks my heart. So, please pray for Dh’s grandfather and that he will not suffer in pain and that whatever the outcome is meant to be that his family will find comfort in knowing that he will be with our Savior when it is his time to go.

On the IVF front, I have been taking the BCPs with my dinner and have been having awful side effects. Every night after I take them I feel nauseous. I thought taking them with food would help but it doesn’t. I don’t remember ever having this kind of side effect when I took BCPs to actually avoid pregnancy (a lot of money wasted now that we know better.) I am assuming that this is a much stronger dose than I am used to which is why it is causing the side effects. I am hoping that over the next couple of days my body will get used to them and the side effects will subside. Has anyone else had this problem with the BCPs? What did you do? I also have my mock transfer scheduled for this Wednesday at 8:30 a.m. I am told it is quick and painless and I certainly hope it is nothing like an HSG! Honestly, I am getting a bit annoyed with my fertility clinic. I have been going there for over three years now and I have never had a problem with them. But it seems that lately they are not taking the time to explain things to me. Maybe it is because I have been there so long and they assume I already know. For example, I never ever see my doctor anymore. My RE used to do the u/s so I would see him every time I went in, he would also call with beta results and to explain what he wanted to do next. Now they have an u/s tech that does the u/s and the nurse calls me with my beta results. So I never see or talk to my doctor at all. I am still feeling confused about the whole IVF process in respect of when to schedule certain things. For example, my nurse e-mailed me my protocol but it made no mention of when I should schedule my mock transfer. So, I responded to her e-mail and asked her when I should schedule my mock transfer. She wrote back and told me that I should schedule it during my BCP phase, “earlier rather than later.” Well gee, good thing I asked because I wouldn’t have known to do it! So I called this morning to schedule the mock transfer and the receptionist didn’t give me any kind of instructions on what to do. I asked her if there was any special instructions, ie. do I come in with a full bladder like the actual transfer? She said she didn’t know. So I e-mailed my nurse again and asked her if there was anything I needed to do (I am sure she is regretting e-mailing me my protocol thereby giving me her e-mail address.) I just feel like I am not getting much instruction as far as what to do. I still don’t know when or how to pay my deposit or when to sign the consent forms. I know this clinic is supposed to be the best in the state, and I do trust my doctor, but I feel that they are losing that personal touch which made it so nice before. I guess it will all work out, I just want to make sure I am doing things correctly. Well, that’s all I have for now…

Thursday, March 13, 2008

IVF Protocol

Well, I am officially an IVF patient! I got my protocol from my nurse this morning and I will take my first BCP tonight. I will be taking Lupron, Follistim, and Menopur. I was interested to see I will be doing Follistim instead of Gonal F because I see most people take Gonal F but the only thing I can think is that because I used the Follistim with my IUI my doc knows it works for me. My nurse also told me that I will be monitored every day while on stims as opposed to every other day due to my "very polycystic ovaries." This is the first time I have ever heard this. I mean, I obviously know I have PCOS but I didn't know it was more extreme than other cases. That scared me a little bit. What if I am too PCOS and things don't work for me? I am so scared of either overstimming or not stimming at all. But, I trust my doctor and I know he will take good care of me. Honestly, this whole IVF process is so daunting and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I guess this is a normal reaction though. I am excited to start but scared of how it could turn out. It is sobering to realize that we will not be able to jump right into another IVF cycle if this one fails. We would have to save up all of the money again or wait until either Dh or I get a job that has insurance that covers IVF. But for now, I know there is no use dwelling on it. I need to focus on the here and now and hope for the best. So, with that, here are my estimated dates:

3/13-4/2: Take BCPs
3/31: Start Lurpon
4/8: b/w & u/s and start stims
4/19: Egg retrieval
4/22: 3 day transfer or 4/24 5d day transfer

So I will know by my birthday (5/13) -whether this cycle worked. It will either be a wonderful birthday present or the worst birthday ever! Ladies, I am looking for a cycle buddy so if you know anyone please let me know!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Sheeeessss Heeerrreee (said in creepy Poltergeist-like voice)

Yep, so as the title indicates the old witch is here in all her glory. Horray! (as much as one can be happy to have AF that is) I think today would be considered day one because yesterday I was just spotting pink/red so today will be day 1. So I called my nurse as soon as I got in this morning and left a message for her to call me and tell me what to do. So I guess we are officially doing this thing. It still doesn't feel real and probably won't until I start the Lupron. I am also going to ask my nurse today what my protocol will be..just for my own peace of mind. I am also planning on paying my deposit (oh joy) when I go in because I want to order my meds in case they take a while to get here..I don't trust my pharmacy at all. So, once I get a call back I will update with my protocol.

Monday, March 10, 2008

The AF Dance

Come on ladies...grab your broomsticks and your witch hats and join me in the AF dance! I am spotting so hopefully she is coming soon..she just needs a little encouragement! Then BCPs here I come!! Extra brownie points if you make her come before 5 p.m. today!

Thursday, March 6, 2008

My Hubby is Blogging!!!

Just wanted to do a little advertizing that my hubby has decided to start a blog of his own. He noticed there weren't many guys out there sharing their story so he thought he would give it a shot. I gave him a long lecture about being a good blogger (like me..he he) so hopefully he will update it often. I think it is wonderful that he is willing to tell the world his story, after all, infertility affects men just as much as women. Anyway, go over and give him some love at The Making of Baby V - The Husband's Side of Things.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Quick Update

This will be a quick one as not much has changed since the last post. I am feeling better emotionally since I have had time to calm down. I have started my prometrium to bring on AF since we now have our finances in order. I HATE the prometrium! It makes me instantly bloated. Although I am not suffering from the awful heartburn this time as I am back on my acid reflux meds. I also have an awful cough and a terrible sore throat. My throat feels like it's burned on the inside (if that makes any sense.) I'm taking 5 days of prometrium twice a day (they didn't tell me how much to take so this is what I am doing) and hopefully AF will show up shortly. If someone has seen her then could you please send her my way?

Monday, March 3, 2008

So tired...'s been a little while since I have updated last. Well, I am sure that you all have been waiting and anticipating the next installment of my oh so exciting life. Let’s see:

Still no AF. I really don’t think she is coming at all. I have the bottle of prometrium but I don’t want to start it until we have our money lined up for the IVF which should be in this week. I’m just nervous that we will get to where we need to start the lupron and we won’t have paid our deposit yet. While we have the money to pay the deposit I would just feel better if we had all of the money we need easily accessible before we start.

I had a horribly busy weekend and I hated every minute of it. Friday night was my friend from work’s bachelorette party. I really didn’t want to go because clubbing and drinking aren’t my thing (at least since my early twenties.) I toyed with making up an excuse until I saw how excited she was and I just couldn’t tell her I wasn’t coming. Friday on the way home there was a huge accident and car fire which extended my usually 30 minute drive home to an hour and a half drive home. I had to rush to eat dinner and get ready to go out. I was having a horrible hair day and for some reason my hair was so full to static that it was literally sticking to my face. I didn’t want to go to begin with so I was already in a crappy mood which was made worse by the ride home. I was also not thrilled about having to stay out late because we were having 0ur spaghetti dinner at church the next day and I needed to be at church early to set up for that. DH dropped me off at the hotel we were meeting at and I decided that it would be better if I got cash out of the ATM that way I didn’t have to carry my card around or a purse. So I got $60 out which I thought would be more than plenty since I was only planning on having one drink. So I kissed DH and stuffed the $60 into my jeans pocket. 30 minutes later as we were leaving the hotel to go to the club I reached in my pocket and my $60 was gone! I backtracked through the hotel and in the parking lot and never did find my money. The only thing I can think is that the money fell out of my pocket. I was so upset! I mean I certainly wasn’t going to spend the whole $60 but now I had no money on me at all, not even my bankcard. So I had to borrow some money from someone to get into this club that I didn’t want to go to anyway. The club was crowded and rowdy. The girls there were raunchy and slutty (not the girls I was with, the ones at the club) and the guys were looking the women up and down like it was a cattle auction. Two guys got into a fight and one pushed another into me and almost knocked me on the ground. Finally I called DH around 1:00 and asked him to come pick me up. I didn’t get to bed until 2:00 because I had to eat something because I didn’t eat a lot for dinner because I was rushing around.

Saturday we spent ALL day at church. Dh and I have been youth group leaders for almost 10 years now and every year we do a spaghetti dinner to raise money for our youth group. So, My new focus is going to be to figure out a way to gain some control over the portions of my life that I have control over since my fertility is obviously not one of the things I can directly control. I am a people pleaser which should be very evident from my posts. I am always concerned about making other people happy and not worrying about what makes me happy. From now on I am going to try my best not to worry about what other people think I should be doing. My house is a disaster due to the fact that I wasn’t home at all this weekend to clean so I am going to try to tackle that in little bits this week. I feel so much better when things are cleaned and organized but I have had some trouble getting the energy to do it. I am also starting to cough so I am hoping I am not coming down with something although it may have something to do with the lack of sleep. I am going after work to buy something to help me sleep.

I also have to make a decision about my Longaberger business. I have had a lot of trouble keeping a good customer base mainly because there are so many other consultants in my area and I just don’t have the time to devote to it. I have a very limited group of customers who simply cannot afford to purchase baskets on a regular basis to keep my business afloat. I really don’t want to stop selling them but I just don’t know what else to do. I have tried several times to bring in new customers or get people to book shows by having shows at my house and trying to get people to be hostesses but they either don’t come, or they come and buy something but wont be a hostess or they sign up to be a hostess and then cancel later. I am like $15 short of making my sales requirement to renew my contract so I may just purchase $15 worth of stuff just to renew my contract and then decide over the next year whether I want to sell the baskets. It is something that I do enjoy doing but that I feel like it is too much work for so little reward.