My Dreams

I just can’t pass by the opportunity to tell you about my dreams the past couple of nights. I have been having very vivid and quite funny dreams over the past 3 nights. Unfortunately I cannot remember the dream from three nights ago but I do remember the last two.

My dream from two nights ago: “Hunting the Creeper”

In this dream my DH and I were hunting the Creeper from Jeeper’s Creepers. You know, the guy to the left. It was almost like we were in an episode of Destination Truth. We were roaming through the woods with various pieces of equipment and a log book that I was using to record sounds that the Creeper might make (very scientific.) We were traveling along a path in the forest where we would stop and camp in a tent. We never did catch the Creeper but the funny part about this dream is that when we wanted to go somewhere to look we would fly! I haven’t had dreams I could fly in years but it was just as fun to fly in this dream as it was when I had flying dreams when I was a child. We never did catch the Creeper but it sure was fun to fly around looking.

My dream from last night: “The Birds and the Old Lady”

This dream was hilarious, probably more funny if you were actually in the dream like me but I will try to explain it the best I can. Dh and I were getting ready to do a play for church (we do a lot of these.) The play was taking place at a high school instead of at our church. This particular play involved a dance routine (we do dance sometime in our plays but not this kind of dancing) that for whatever reason I had not learned in advance. So, I was asking my choir director to please allow me to practice the routine before the play started. She then advised me that she had let loose a bunch of birds in another room and before I could practice the routine I had to go and pick up all of the birds and return them to their cages. (Side Note: I am afraid of captive birds, not the ones outside but the ones people keep in their houses. I would NEVER touch a bird!) I was so upset because apparently my choir director did this as a joke on me. So Dh volunteered to help me find all the birds and return them to their cages. It turned out these birds were teenie tiny birds, like the size of my pinky finger, and they were blue and gold with blue plumes on their heads. I had to search around the room (which had carpet that the birds seemed to blend into) and pick up these birds. When you picked up a bird it would curl up in your hand and sleep like a tiny little cat. They were actually very cute and soft but I still didn’t like picking them up and there were several of them scattered around the room. One by one we returned the little birds to a gold cage in the corner of the room. While we were doing this I happened to be dressed in my “costume” for the play which just happened to be a hot pink sequined tutu! Too bad Dh wasn’t dressed in a tutu also! While we were rounding up the birds an old lady shuffles into the room and begins accusing me of stealing the tutu from her closet. She insists that I went into her closet and stole the outfit and that it was hers and she was going to call the police if I didn’t give it back to her. I tried to explain to her that it is a costume that came in a package (here is where I whipped out the costume package with the picture of the horrid tutu on the front.) She wouldn’t believe me and insisted that it was a vintage outfit and that I stole if from her closet. She was fuming mad and was screaming at me and hitting me with her purse. She threatened to call the police and I said fine because I wasn’t taking the tutu off! Then I woke up.

I have to admit that I am still chuckling about the last one. It had two totally different elements to it. The birds were so so tiny and very cute and soft. They would stand completely still so it wasn’t hard to pick them up and the moment you did they would curl up and sleep. The golden cage seemed small to fit all of the birds but they fit in there and it never did look crowded. They were actually very comforting little birds. It was almost like I was facing a fear and it didn’t turn out to be as bad as I thought. Then it totally switched gears and became hilarious where I noticed I was wearing the horrid pink tutu and the fact that this old lady was insisting it was vintage when it was clearly a cheap Halloween costume. Too funny!

Anyway, and dream interpreters care to take a stab at these?

6dp6dt- The Glass is Half-Empty

Well, like the title says, I am 6dp6dt. I am not feeling anything other than cramps now and then although they are not as bad as they were. The PIO has made my poor boobies so sore! They feel like 10 lb weights (and have been feeling this way since I did my first PIO shot)! But as far as the OHSS goes I am feeling better every day. My chest had stopped feeling wierd and my ovaries are not as sore although if I turn too quickly I do get a sharp pain. As for my hopefulness that this cycle has a chance of working, there still isn't much hope. I am actually upset I am starting to feel better from the OHSS because to me this means I am probably not pregnant. I will test at some point, I'm just not sure when. I dread seeing that negative, I hate it more than I can explain, but I would hate it worse to get a "cold call" from my nurse and not have some sort of idea it will be negative. I am also annoyed that I have to wait until May 12th for my beta. That will make me 13dp6dt, why so long? That's like waiting until 19dpo to test, craziness! I thought I would have a shorter wait but I guess not! The other thing that keeps on running through my mind is that I will be getting my beta the day after mother's day and the day before my birthday. I will definitely test before mother's day though. I really wish the timing didn't work out this way. I don't usually look forward to my birthday because nothing exciting happens, I usually go to my Mom's and open gifts and blow out candles and that's it. I get depressed around my birthday because it reminds me just how long we have been TTC. I started trying to have a baby when I was 22, I am turning 28 this year. Who would ever think that a 22 year old would have trouble conceiving, but I did. And now I'm here, 6 years later and still no baby. I also hate Mother's day more than words can express. I think it is another stupid Hallmark holiday just like Valentines Day. I am sure the reason I hate the holiday is because I am a bitter infertile and maybe my feelings towards it will change one day but for now I hate it. I refuse to go to church on Mother's Day because they give flowers out to all of the mothers, just driving home the fact that I am not one. Then we get to hear a whole sermon about how wonderful mothers are, blah, blah. Maybe they should just slap a sign on my forehead that says "NOT a Mother." Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom and my MIL, I just don't think I need a special day to celebrate them. Of course I will dutifully get the stupid cards and gifts because I know if I don't they will be hurt but I don't have to like it!

So, since this is my first IVF cycle shouldn't I be full of hope and excitement? So what's wrong with me? I feel like I have lost that innocence because most people I know who do their first IVF have only been trying for 2 to 3 years, maybe that's why there is no hope left in me? Am I just so used to being disappointed that I can't possibly think that anything would work? The first three years of dealing with IF were the hardest for me by far, that is the time when I worked through all of my stages of grief. I came into a quiet acceptance about the whole thing somewhere in the beginning of year four and it has been that way ever since. Now I don't know how to feel. Hope is for newbies right? I should know better. I should know that it is crazy to hope or even think that my first IVF cycle would work. I am dreading having to do this again. I am so scared of getting OHSS again and going through that pain. I don't know what I will do about time off of work since I am seriously in the negative. I am trying to get through this cycle first and not to think about these things but I am a planner and always have to think about the future. So, here I am, trying to find some shred of hope buried deep inside and trying not to read too much into the fact that I am feeling better every day instead of feeling returning symptoms of OHSS.

3dp6dt & Bathroom Nasties!

**Before I begin, in response to a comment from someone on one of my earlier posts, I am well aware that when you get pregnant it pushes everything inside up. I don't need to be reminded of that. However, being pregnant does not cause your belly to swell in 24 hours pushing everything up rapidly, filling your upper abdomen and lungs with fluid. So, while it may seem that I was complaining about something that happens in pregnancy as well (everything that belongs down low being pushed up high) I can assure you that it is not the same. The OHSS honestly made me feel the worst I have ever felt and this is the place where I can talk about my feelings without being judged too harshly. I'm sure the comment wasn't meant to be rude, but it hurt my feelings the way it came across. Anyway, I'm stepping down from my soapbox**

Yeah, yeah, I know the title is boring but I couldn't think of anything. I am over 100 posts already! My 100th post was a couple posts ago but I couldn't think of anything enlightening to say so I didn't mention it. I still can't think of anything enlightening to say so you are out of luck! I can tell you that as my usual pessimistic self is already taking charge and all my hope that this cycle will work is already gone. Rational? Probably not but that's the way I am. Why am I so sure it had failed already? Well, because I am having intense AF like cramps. I feel the same type of cramps I felt towards the end of my last IUI cycle when it ended up being a BFN. I have never done an IVF cycle so I have nothing to compare this to. Maybe the PIO is causing cramps? I just don't know. However, I feel like AF might come soon. I'm assuming the medicine I am talking will keep her from coming too early. I can now button my work pants but they are still tight. My upper belly still looks like it is swollen a bit but not as bad. My chest still feels weird though. It still feels heavy when I bend over and I am still short of breath. I'm not sure what is causing it but now I am coughing also. Part of me thinks that my chest is sore from all of the vomiting (sorry TMI) and dry heaving which hurt like hell. But, I am able to eat regular meals now which is good. I feel so fat! I knew the IVF drugs would put on some weight but its hard when you are already a big girl to see those extra pounds. Can someone say porker?

Lastly, before I leave, I would like to point out some gross bathroom habits that I have noticed from some of the people in my building. One lady never washes her hands. She uses the bathroom then goes directly to the paper towel dispenser, gets a paper towel, wipes her hands (like she washed them) and walks out. Gross! I don't even want to know what she is wiping off of her hands! Then another lady makes it a point to grab one of those paper toilet seat covers but then doesn't wash her hands when she leaves. So, she wants her ass to be clean but who cares about her hands? Ewwww! Please everyone, wash your hands after you use the potty, otherwise it's just gross!

Back to Work

Yes, yes, I know, I was supposed to do 24 hours bed rest and that would have meant I would have had to “rest” until 11:00 a.m. today. But, my boss is just not an understanding guy by any stretch of the imagination and I just couldn’t take another day off of work. I already didn’t have any time as it is due to the fact that they barely give us any time off anyway and now I am like over 5 days in the negative. So I have tried to take it easy and haven’t moved too much. But I really hope I wont regret going back to work today although I cant lose my job right now so I had to do what I had to do. I have no idea what we are going to do if we have to do this again but I am trying not to think about that. I have to say that I am not as optimistic about this cycle today as I have been over the past few days. I am questioning our decision to only put back one even though that is what we discussed in the very beginning. Its not that I hate the idea of twins or don’t think twins are cute or anything. I just want a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I want to minimize the risk to the baby and to myself. My doctor is also a big supporter of single embryo transfers especially in women who it is their first IVF and have a good quality embryo. But what if we should have transferred two? They told me that the pregnancy rates were no higher, even showed me numbers. I almost changed my mind when right before the transfer they told me that right now none of my embryos would be at the stage to be frozen. I was afraid that we wouldn’t have any to freeze so I panicked and said okay, put back two. They then called my RE who suggested only putting back one because of the OHSS and the fact that getting me pregnant with twins would be very risky to my health. So I went with my doctors suggestions. I so hope we made the right decision. I also can’t help but think that we are basing this whole cycle on this one little embryo, I sure hope he/she is a fighter. I am also bummed because I thought maybe I might feel something, like implantation cramps or have some spotting or something. I know the little guy should be digging in soon if he hasn’t already done so and I was hoping I would feel something. I know this is ridiculous because most people probably don’t feel implantation anyway. My Mom also gave me some grief about only putting back one. I really wish people would understand that it goes way beyond simply having two cute little babies, that it can affect my health and their health too. It made me angry that she would question our choice when we are the ones who are armed with information and the ones making the decision who have to deal with the consequences. I am already feeling guilty enough about not putting back two and I really need the support of my family and friends, I don’t need anyone to question our decisions. **Please note that this is a not a dig at anyone who chooses to put back two or is pregnant with twins, I know it is the norm to put back two and I am going against the grain but if this cycle doesn't work I will ask them to put back two next time. My beta will be on May 12th, the day before my 28th birthday. So I will either have a shitty birthday or a wonderful one. As for those who have suggested not to POAS before the beta, it’s just not something that I am comfortable with. I always test before my beta. I just like to prepare myself for the news. I would rather think it will be negative and be prepared for the phone call while at work and be pleasantly surprised by a positive beta then being full of hope and having to receive a devastating call while at work with no warning. I know it isn’t the best way for everyone but it helps me deal with the call a little easier.



As for my health, I am slowly starting to feel better. I woke up yesterday feeling better than I had in days. I was happy that I felt better because I was seriously thinking that it wouldn’t be good to put our little one into a sick body. I was able to eat some foods off of my “wish list” (which I will talk about in a minute.) This morning I woke up feeling a little yuckier than yesterday but still better than the past week or so. I feel better now but my chest is the thing that is bothering me the most. I have a really heavy feeling and soreness in my chest like the way you feel after you have been coughing with a really bad chest cold only I haven’t been coughing. I am thinking it has something to do with the fluid that was in my lungs. And, the most annoying thing is I cant button my pants! Now, I am already pleasantly plump to begin with so not being able to button my pants is awful! I thought about getting a bella band but I don’t want to buy anything maternity because I feel it will be bad luck. I don’t want to buy larger pants because I find that if I get larger pants I allow myself to grow into them. So for now I have my pants unbuttoned and a long shirt with another tied around my waist. I am hoping the bloating will go down soon but when they did the u/s yesterday to check the size of my ovaries they were still quite large. Meh..I guess it could be worse.

Lastly, I want to tell you how amazing my wonderful hubby is! He took such good care of me over the past week. He did everything he could to make me feel comfortable and ease my pain. He even cleaned up my throw up when I didn’t make it to the potty (TMI I know.) The OHSS also took a toll on me emotionally and he was there for me then too. I cant even begin to describe the physical discomfort of having everything that belongs in the lower half of you abdomen pushed into your stomach and lungs. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t eat (and still threw up even if I didn’t eat), I really felt like I was choking on my insides. I have a friend at church who has gone through IVF and she called me to see how I was feeling the other day and told me that she had OHSS and how terrible she felt. She told me that she was sure she was dying and that she should be in the ICU (and she is a nurse.) It made me feel better to know that other people have experienced the pain and that she knew what I was going through. While I was sick I made a “wish list” of foods that I wanted to eat as soon as I was able (when you don’t eat for days you start fantasizing about food.) I know it sounds silly but I needed something to look forward to. I had things on my list like cherry tomatoes, pickles, fritos, chocolate covered raisins, and tomato juice, I even put on my list that I wanted to eat a taco salad as my first dinner. Well, my wonderful Dh went to the store yesterday and purchased every single thing on my list and also came home and made me a taco salad for dinner! I was so touched and thrilled that he would do that. I really hope that Doozer sticks around to meet his/her amazing daddy!

Well, that’s about it for now. Thank you all so much for still reading and commenting even though I didn’t check anyone’s blog for days. I apologize for not checking them or commenting. You all are the best!