Thursday, May 29, 2008

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Little Birdie

Our u/s was amazing! Doozer grew so much in just one week! We could actually see the heart pumping this time. The RE said everything is perfect and Doozer is measuring right on target. He did measure the hb but didn’t tell me what it was and I forgot to ask. I have to go back next week for one last u/s and if all is well I will graduate. They gave us a picture but it isn’t nearly as good as what we saw on the screen. In the picture Doozer looks like a baby bird, hence the title. I will scan and post the picture tonight! Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Are you alright hun? (6w6d)

He he, the title of my post will be explained in a moment. We had a very relaxing weekend!! Dh’s grandmother owns a farmhouse in Western Maryland and we spent the weekend there. We left Saturday morning because usually traffic is bad on Friday evening memorial day weekend. I took everyone’s advice and kept some cheerios by the bedside and ate them before I got out of bed. Actually, I woke up feeling yucky in the middle of the night a couple of times and had to eat some cheerios then too. I took my time getting out of bed and it seemed to help a bit. We met Dh’s grandmother at Cracker Barrel for breakfast and I ate more than I have in a week! I guess I am going to have my days where I feel better and some days where I feel terrible. Saturday was definitely one of the better days. I spent most of my weekend sitting in a lounge chair in the yard watching Dh build a porch and reading Harry Potter for the nine-millionth time. The weather was beautiful this weekend! I was able to take naps when I needed them and basically lounge around all day. I did notice that while I feel completely exhausted and sometimes really need a nap if I take a nap I feel worse when I wake up. I don’t know what that is about but instead of feeling rested I feel even more tired and sick on top of that. I almost feel like I haven’t slept in 24 hours straight. Sunday night I didn’t feel good at all and woke up several times throughout the night and had to snack on my cheerios. I spent some time in the bathroom sure I was going to puke but thank God I didn’t. I was even dreaming about puking and woke up in the middle of the night with my head hanging off of the edge of the bed like I was going to puke. It was scary to think that I may have actually puked in my sleep if I hadn’t woken up. On Monday I felt even worse. The three hour ride home was awful and I was so exhausted and nauseous. Dh and I both took a nap for about three hours when we got home and of course I woke up feeling even worse. This morning I felt pretty awful. I finally gave in and took one of the Zofran they gave me when I had the OHSS. It seemed to help and now I am feeling a bit better. When I go for my u/s tomorrow I am going to ask my Re for another prescription for some more Zofran.

Now, on to my title. Let me preface this by saying that I am VERY bloated! I guess it is my ovaries combined with the normal bloat for this time in a pregnancy. So, I bought a tummy sleeve from Motherhood and I have been wearing it with my pants since I can’t button my pants right now. So anyway, on to the story. When we arrived at the farm house Dh and I decided that we needed to go to the store and pick up some soda I could drink and some snacks for me. So we went to the local hillbilly grocery store on top of the mountain. I picked up some snacks and we got in line to check out. It was about that time that I started not to feel well. I really needed to eat something and was basically salivating looking at the snacks we were purchasing. I guess I looked a little sick feeling because the cashier looked at me and asked “Are you okay hun? Is the baby kicking?” She really caught me off guard asking a question like that. I mean, yeah, I am bloated but I don’t think I am quite big enough that someone should be asking me a question like that! I recovered quickly and said something like “Um, not quite yet, I’m just not feeling well.” She proceeded to go on to offer me something to drink. I told her no I would be fine. I walked out of the store laughing but I couldn’t help but think how different I would have felt had a NOT been pregnant. What if I was still just bloated from the OHSS and someone said that to me? How crushed would that make me feel? I mean, isn’t like common courtesy to not ask someone about their baby unless it is 100% obvious that they are pregnant? I just couldn’t believe that I could be that bloated! It made me feel crappy about my body. I’m already feeling fat as it is. I’m having an awful time fitting into my clothes and I am already dreading having to go buy a bigger pair of pants and shirts that are a little loose fitting. So this didn’t make me feel any better.

Anyway, I wish I had more to write about. I love all of the new commenters and I can’t wait to check out everyone’s blog. I have my 7 week ultrasound and I am excited and scared at the same time. I hope my little Doozer has grown and has a nice strong heartbeat. I think if all goes well I may be graduating from my RE tomorrow. I am hopeful because of the morning sickness and hoping that it means my little guy is growing but I will feel better when I get to see for myself. I am also nervous because I am not feeling as much cramps as I used to, but I was also worried when I was feeling the cramps so I guess you can’t win with me. Please pray that all is well with my little Doozer! My appointment is at 8:15 tomorrow and I will update when I get back to work.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Morning Sickness= 1; Morrisa= 0

Yup, I had my first puke this morning. I haven't been feeling great in the mornings for a little over a week but nothing like this! As soon as I got our of bed I started to gag and I knew it was time. I feel awful! I didn't take a shower this morning because I am dizzy and just feeling terrible. I will have to start taking showers at night. I feel like I have been run over by a truck! I ate some toast for breakfast and that is about it so far. I hope this means my little Doozer is growing strong. Let's see if I can make it through work without puking.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I’m Still Infertile

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a couple of weeks now, actually ever since we got our BFP. Now I think it is the perfect time to write it. I never imagined myself actually seeing that second line, having a positive beta, and even seeing a heartbeat. Obviously, that was the desired outcome of all of the treatments we went through, but I could never really imagine any of these things happening to me. And even when they did happen, one by one, I thought of reasons why they might not be true. When I got my first BFP I thought for sure it was a faulty test, so I went out and bought another (well maybe a few), when that one was positive too I thought it must still be the trigger shot. When the tests continued to be positive I was sure it would be a chemical pregnancy. All through my betas I was sure something horrible would happen. Then the day of the u/s I was positive we would get some horrible news. I still worry that something is going to go wrong and take this baby away from us. The reason why I am saying all of this is because I want you, my fellow infertiles who are still in the trenches, to know that being pregnant didn’t make any of the hurt and pain go away. I still feel the sting of six years of disappointments and hurts. I know how incredibly lucky I am that it worked for us on the first IVF cycle. I know what a blessing that is. I know that so many of you have been through several cycles of IVF with no success. I can’t even express how much I wish this could be a reality for all of us. I know that there are days when you are still in the trenches (be advised that I do not consider myself out of the trenches yet, I’m not sure when that will happen) just can’t bear to read a post about BFPs, betas, ultrasounds, whatever. I totally get that because that has been me on several occasions. I know what it is like to have that awful feeling of jealousy about someone else’s good news and then feel terrible about it afterwards because you consider them a friend. Today I checked my bloglines and I lost a subscriber. I know it sounds silly but it made me sad. Not because one less person will be reading my blog, because I really started this blog for myself, but because the thought that someone may have “unsubscribed” because they couldn’t read about my pregnancy broke my heart. Maybe it’s not the case at all. Maybe this person just decided not to use bloglines anymore, or maybe they just sick of hearing me whine, but maybe they are just going through a really tough time and just couldn’t bear to continue reading. The thought that some of you are still experiencing the pain I have felt for so long makes me sad. I want all of you to know that it is okay not to be able to read if you feel like you can’t. Some days are better than others. And if you feel like you need to stop reading all together that’s okay too. The first three years of my infertility were the hardest for me. I will never forget the day my doctor diagnosed me with PCOS. We had already been trying for almost a year (I think.) I came home and bawled because I knew it was going to be a tough road ahead. I know our dreams of making a baby in the privacy of our home was over. So I began the grieving process. I was angry and jealous every time I heard a pregnancy announcement, and believe me there were quite a few throughout those three years. The next couple of years were much easier. I suppose because we took such a long break. I was able to think about other things besides IF and heal a lot. I also learned how to deal with the anger and jealously and I learned the most important lesson of all, how to turn it over to God. When we were finally able to begin treatments again (when I began this blog) I had a whole new outlook. I still felt some of those same old feelings creeping up inside of me, but this time I was able to control my feelings better and bounce back from things quicker. I am a seasoned infertile, I know how to deal with being infertile, I know all about infertility. But now I find myself in a confusing new place, albeit a place I have wanted to be for years now, still confusing. Now I am a pregnant infertile and that comes with an array of the same kind of emotions; fear, uncertainty, and most of all jealousy. Jealousy of those who can get pregnant in the privacy of their own home; Jealousy of those who are innocent enough to think that when they get pregnant it is a guarantee to bring home a healthy baby, and the crazy thing is, it usually happens that way for them; Jealousy of those who don’t know all of the things that can go wrong and therefore don’t wake up every morning wondering if their baby is still alive. I feel that infertility has taken that away, not only from me but from all of you. But, the main reason I am writing this post is not to share with you all of the things that infertility has robbed me of, but to share with you the things that infertility has blessed me with. Blessed you ask? Yes. Even though I would never wish this on my worst enemy, if I had a chance to go back and change it all I wouldn’t change a thing. Why? Because I believe that infertility has blessed me in many many ways.

· It has taught me patience. This was one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I am a fairly impatient person. I am used to being able to do something to get what I want. I wanted a college degree, so I went to college and got one. Infertility is different, you have to wait for everything that you want. This is a hard life lesson but an important one.

· It has taught me that I am not always in control. See above.

· It has taught me to think before I speak. We all know those comments we hate to hear; “Just relax,” “Take a vacation,” “You’re young.” Having been on the receiving end of those comments many times I have learned to think before I speak. You should never assume you know someone’s situation. You just don’t know how much something that you think is a harmless comment, or assvice as we all so lovingly call it, can hurt someone. I’m still working on this one. You can ask my Dh and he will tell you that I often speak before I think. I’m working on it though and getting better.

· It has taught me just how special the bond I have with my husband is. I know you gals will say the same but I truly think that my husband is the most wonderful husband in the world. When I first met Dh I thought for sure he was an angel, sent from Heaven just for me. He has brought me into a relationship with God and for that I am eternally thankful. He is my best friend. I never thought I would enjoy spending time with my husband as much as I do. Before I got married I always heard people complaining about how much they needed to get away from their spouses. I never feel this way! I love spending time with my husband and my heart breaks every single time I have to leave him for the day. The infertility that we have went through has only made our bond that much closer. When we first found out it was me “with the problem” I was so worried that he was going to blame me. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t make him a father when he would be such a great one. I was worried that he would resent that he married me. I was also worried that his parents would regret that he married me. He is an only child and the only hope for a grandbaby. But, none of those things were true. I realized that he felt the pain of infertility just as much as I did. He cried with me every time I cried, and it has made us stronger.

· And lastly, infertility has allowed me to make wonderful friends that I never would have met otherwise. When we first started trying I met a wonderful group of ladies over at WebMd. We got to know each other very well once everyone else on our message board got pregnant and we didn’t. Then we moved to communicating through e-mail. Three of us even met in Chicago. It was amazing to see that these women were real women, real people. Then we drifted apart, or I drifted away from the group. I can’t really explain it except that I was not in the same place emotionally that I am now. As each of them began getting their BFPs I began to realize that soon I was going to be the odd man out. So I kind of pulled away. Now I have had the pleasure of being able to speak with one of them again through my blog! It’s so amazing to see that she is still the wonderful supportive person that she always was. I think about the rest of them often. I wonder what’s going on in their lives. Then I met all of you! Starting a blog was the best thing I have ever done! I have made some amazing friends here and even though we have never met in person I feel incredibly close to every one of you. I know all of your stories and follow you daily. It felt so good to know that there were so many others who shared my pain!

So, I guess the point of this long-ass post is to tell all of you that I haven’t magically forgotten about the pain of infertility. And that in fact, pregnancy has opened up a whole new world of fears for me. But most importantly, that we are all learning something from this experience, even if it is sometimes hard to see. Sorry for the length of the post and I hope it makes sense.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

U/S Picture

Hey this is Shawn dropping in to post our picture.

Here's our u/s picture of little Doozer.I labeled the picture above wrong. I put egg sac instead of Yolk Sac. Egg Sac, Yolk Sac there one in the same right? Oh well. :)

All is well! (6w0d)

Whew! We just got back from our u/s! I was so nervous in the waiting room that by the time I got up on the table I was shaking. Dr. Osheroff came in and immediately congratulated us and gave me a big hug. He seemed so excited so that was nice. He immediately turned the screen towards me and explained everything he was doing. He found the sac quickly and I could see the yolk sac. Then I saw it, a little tiny flicker of light. He explained to us that it looked like a diamond ring, the round part being the yolk sac and the top part of the ring being our little baby. It was amazing to watch the heartbeat! Doozer was so small compared to the yolk sac. The Dr. measured everything and said everything was measuring right on track. I asked him to measure the heartbeat and it was 90bpm. It was hard to measure since Doozer is so small but he said it was perfect for 6 weeks. He did look at my ovaries, which were huge as usual but he didn’t say anything so I guess they are fine. He asked me to sit up and told me to make another appointment for next Wednesday for another u/s and gave me another big hug and told us how happy he was for us. They gave us a picture of our little Doozer to take home. I do have the picture but I’m at work so I will have to scan it when I get home. I am relieved and amazed that there is another heart beating inside of me. Of course I am still cautious and scared, and probably always will be, but I feel like we hit an important milestone by seeing the heartbeat. I can’t wait to see our Doozer again next week. I want to thank all of you for keeping me sane and for all of the wonderful comments and support, it means more than you will ever know. I will update later with Doozer’s picture!!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Tomorrow is the big day!

Well, one more sleep until we get to see our little Doozer! To say I'm nervous is an understatement, I am terrrified! I want so bad to see a healthy little bean in the right place. I know it may be too early to see a heartbeat but I'd really like to see one because I know I will worry if I don't. I am actually optimistic which is unusual for me. I just wish I had more symptoms. For those of you that had 6 week u/s, what did you see? What should I expect? Will it be like all of my other RE u/s where they let me see everything on the screen? If they see a h/b will they release me to an OB or have me come back again? I would really like to stay with my RE as long a spossible because I am concerned about what type of prenatal care I will get once I am released to Kaiser. If you have been reading my blog for a while you know how I feel about Kaiser. I am nervous that I will receive the same sub-standard prenatal care as I do for any other doctor's visit. They are all about saving money so I wouldn't be suprised if they hardly do any u/s, and I am sure when they do them I will have to get a referral to an outside company. The last time I checked they only had one OBGYN to choose from in my area and I didn't like him. I couldn't understand him and her was very unfriendly. So I choose a GYN in Baltimore city which is okay because it is close to my work. But I can't use her as my OB because I don't want to have to drive to Baltimore city to give birth. So hopefully they have a new doctor in my office now who will be a little more polite. Anyway, I could post a whole book about all of my fears about tomorrow, how I am afraid there will be nothing at all in my uterus, how I am afraid there will be an empty sac...etc. But what I would really love to hear is all of your experiences during your 6 week u/s. Please pray that our little Doozer is growing big and strong and that we will get to see a little heartbeat tomorrow!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Weekend Pics

As promised, here are some pictures from our trip to the zoo.

This is baby elephant Samson, isn't he cute??

Here I am in all my fatness!

And here is my Dh being silly!!


He he, I know, very creative title but I can’t think of a better title. I am having a lot of trouble coming up with something to post lately. It’s not that I don’t have a lot to say, I could probably write a book. It’s just that at what point do you get tired of reading about my worries and fears? I have to admit, after Friday’s beta I do feel much better and more relaxed. But as our first u/s approaches I am beginning to worry again. I am so worried that they are not going to see anything or that there will be something wrong. I am sure these are probably normal fears. I wish I felt more “p-word” (I go back and forth about using the actual word.) Last week I had some cramping every day, now I don’t really have cramps at all except for maybe every once in a while. I don’t feel sick or anything, I do feel “different” sometimes but nothing too odd. I am very tired, mostly around 7 p.m. Other than that I don’t really have any symptoms. I’m trying not to worry over my lack of symptoms either, but once again, I am. But at least I no longer have a sense of impending doom. This probably due to the fact that my RE told me to begin taking my anxiety meds again. Now, I feel a bit of hope creeping in still mixed with some fear. I have noticed that I am very “bloated.” I seriously doubt this is due to Doozer, who is miniscule right now, and can’t possibly be causing my belly to grow already. I think it is more likely that my ovaries are getting larger again. But, at any rate I am finding my pants extremely uncomfortable and very very tight. What do I do? Obviously I don’t need maternity pants nor would I ever purchase them now, but I need to do something. Wearing extremely tight pants is not comfortable at all! I thought about buying a bella band or something like it but once again, to me that falls under maternity clothes category and will most likely jinx me! So what do I do? It seems silly to go out and buy a bunch of bigger sized pants when hopefully soon I will need maternity clothes. I am already a chubby girl, and I already had to buy a bigger pants size once we started IVF, now I can’t fathom having to buy yet another bigger size! Those of you that had some chub around the middle (I have the classic PCOS belly), did you start expanding much quicker? What did you do to accommodate the bloat before you actually needed maternity clothes? Should I just suck it up and get the bella band or get some bigger pants?

In other news, I survived church on Sunday! I was so worried about going to church because it would be the first day I saw everyone since we shared our news. Since we have been so open it has been both a blessing and a curse. It has been a blessing because we have received many kind words and prayers and I believe that we have raised awareness in our community about IF. It has been a curse because we were forced to tell everyone way earlier than I ever would have told anyone. I was nervous about going to church because everyone was so excited about hearing our results I thought for sure they would attack me as soon as I walked in the door. But everyone was very nice, I did get a lot of “how are you feeling” and lots of “congratulations” but no attacks!

Our weekend was wonderful! Friday Dh and I just hung around the house and relaxed. Saturday we woke up early and went to Bob Evans for breakfast. You would think that since I am “the p-word” I would be ravishingly hungry and eat a lot of food, but I’m really not. In fact, it almost seems that I can’t eat as much or as big of meals as I could before. I think it is due to my ovaries swelling again. But anyway, I had ½ of a yummy breakfast and Dh ate the other half. Then we headed off to the Baltimore Zoo to meet the baby elephant Samson. He is too cute! We did get some pictures and if I remember I will post them. We stayed at the zoo until about 1:00 p.m. it was a lot more walking than I anticipated and I was exhausted when we got home. I rested, and maybe took a small nap when I got home. Dh’s softball game was cancelled so we spend the day at Dh’s parents. On Sunday we went to church and then Sunday evening Dh took me to Medieval Times. It was so much fun! So all in all we have a very exciting weekend. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I enjoy spending time with my Dh. Ever since we met 10 years ago we have spent every minute possible together and I never get tired of it!

I do have a post planned but it probably won’t be until after our u/s. tomorrows post will probably be filled with more worries and fears. One question I am going to call NTF and ask is if I am still supposed to do the Endometrin suppository the morning of my u/s, I mean, wont it get in the way or something?

Friday, May 16, 2008

Praise the Lord!

My beta number today was 1813! That is a 105% increase! I can't even begin to tell you how much better I feel right now! They are calling me back to schedule my first OB u/s which will probably be next Wednesday when I am 6 weeks. I have MUCH more to say but I am at work and being stalked by my boss so I will update this post later. Thanks you a million times for all of the love and support! Also, I left a message for my doctor call me regarding my anxiety meds. Be back later!

Doom & Gloom

Yup, that’s pretty much how I am feeling. The rain today doesn’t help. I am so sick of rain! I know I said I probably would post before my beta results but last night I started having a horrible feeling that something is wrong. I still feel that way today. It’s almost like I am certain that they are going to call and tell me my numbers didn’t rise like they should and then I am going to have to go through beta hell just to find out that we lost the baby. I really don’t know why I feel this way but I have convinced myself that it is some sort of intuition. I really hope I am wrong. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks (which started when my father passed away) and I haven’t taken my meds since I got my BFP because I don’t know if they are safe. I am hoping that has a lot to do with my doom & gloom feeling. I know I should try to be positive but I can’t seem to get there. I was feeling so positive for a while and then last night it all changed. I am terrified of hearing exactly what I feel in my heart they are going to say. I know stress can’t be good for my Doozer and for that reason I am really trying but it isn’t working. Do I really have a reason to worry? They told me my beta rose over what they wanted to see 66%, I’m not bleeding or having any unusual cramps or anything like that. So why am I so certain that something is wrong? I am asking for an unusual favor, usually I don’t want people to tell me I am wrong, but today I need reassurance that I should not be so worried. I mean, I know something could go wrong at any time, I will never forget that, but I want to be reassured that these feelings are not some psychic intuitions or anything like that (not that I really believe in that sort of thing.) I am really hoping this is caused by a combination of the normal stress that comes along with waiting for beta results and the fact that I haven’t taken my medication. So why am I still so terrified? Please don’t think I’m crazy, I promise you I am not a raving lunatic or anything like that.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Thank you!

Thank you all for the kind encouraging words that helped to calm me down a bit. I am going to trust my clinic and the fact that they are looking for a 66% increase and we were over that. I'm and still extremely nervous about Fridays beta results. Now I am simply looking for a rise of 66% from yesterdays number (883) which if I am calculating it correctly would be around 1465. My body does everything weird so why should this be any different. For instance, my blood pressure is low, it always has been. When I get sick or scared it usually goes even lower! So maybe my body just likes to be different. I am feeling pretty crappy today. I was so tired at 7:30 last night I couldn't keep my eyes open so I ended up going to bed. I woke up this morning feeling just as tired. I really wish I could just go home and go back to sleep. My house is a disaster and I just don't know when I am going to get the energy to clean it, but it has to be done. I am also suffering from constant heartburn because I took myself off my acid reflux meds since I don't know if it is safe for pregnancy. I eat tums like they are going out of style. And to make things more complicated I have been craving mexican food! My boobs also hurt during the night like clockwork. When I get up to go pee they hurt really bad. By morning they go back to just being sore. I'm hoping all of this is a good sign. Well, that's about it for now. You probably won't hear from me again until tomorrow with my beta result. Please pray it at least rises the 66%.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Beta #2 Results

Well my beta has risen to 883. I told the nurse I thought it was supposed to double and she said they are looking for a rise of 66% and that it was a nice rise and not to worry. Hah! Now I am worrying. Why does everyone elses double then? I calculated the percentage and it is 69%. I'm trying to remain hopeful that everything is okay but I have to admit I am disappointed and worried. I guess it is good that it rose over what they wanted to see but I'm still stuck on people always saying their betas have to double. Oh well, guess I am in for a stressed filled next couple of days until my repeat beta on Friday. Has anyone had a beta not double but on rise 60-some percent?

You Make My Day!

Maria and Adriane have honored me with the "You Make My Day" award. I feel so special and honored that they would think of me. They make my day too!! So I have decided to give the award to some of you. You ALL make my day. Every time I get a comment it makes me smile! But here are those extra special people who always seem to know just what to say:

Evil Stepmonster- Please go over and give her some love and she just received a negative beta.
Fertilized- She was very helpful to me at the beginning of my cycle and even e-mailed me when I needed to talk. She continues to be a great source of support.
Gas Passer aka UUer- She is a faithful commenter and always knows exactly what to say. Go over to her page and say hello to little Spot!
I Am NOT in Control- I have the pleasure of knowing her in person, outside of blogland. Her and I became close when we realized we were both infertile. She has been a wonderful friend. Go over and wish her luck as she starts her FET cycle.
My Sweet Sweet Hubby- Who makes my day every single day!
Pink's Life- Who always has something positive to say. She is in her TWW so go over and give her some love!
Duck- Who is such and amazing person!
These are just some of the people who make my day every single day! I love you all!
Well, I went in for my second beta today. I am sooooo nervous about the results. I want it to double, not just increase by 66% which my nurse told me they are looking for. The lady who took my blood told me that when my first beta result came in everyone was cheering and clapping. It made me feel special! I have been going there for over 3 years now and I have gotten to know everyone there pretty well. I really need to get some work done but who can work when you are so nervous? Also, you won't be seeing any tickers on my page or anything like that until I at least get the 3rd beta results. I am so scared they are going to call me today and say they didn't double! I wonder how long after the 3rd beta they schedule the first u/s? Anyone who goes to Shady Grove know the answer to that? Anyway, thanks for all of the comments on my last post as well as all of the birthday wishes. I am now another year older. I will update between 2-3 ET when I get my results. Pray!!!

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Results are In!

My beta number was 522! The nurse said that was good. The beta base site isn't working so I can't go on there and check. I go back on Wednesday morning at 7:15 for another beta. I really hope 522 is a good number for 13dp6dt or 19dpo..does anyone know? Someone please be honest if it isn't good. The nurse said it is good but I don't trust her (it wasn't NTF though.) So someone please be honest with me! Okay enough of that. I get to stop my PIO! I start suppositories called Endometrin tonight! I am so happy to be rid of the PIO. I already have the Endometrin because they had me order it at the beginning of my cycle. I am so very happy but still terrified because I know that the doubling number is what really matters. Well, when I think of more to say I will be back, until then...lets chant GROW DOOZER GROW!!!

Today if the day!

Well, I went in for my beta this morning. They should call me between 2pm and 3pm. NTF better be nice to me or else! Well, since Farah asked here is a picture of all of my pee sticks!Notice the EPTs (the purple ones), don't use them if you plan on keeping the BFP. It registers the BFP but then the line disappears after an hour. And this is a close up of the HTP I took this morning. Look how dark it is!
I am hoping and praying that they call me with a nice high beta number. This will hopefully be the last HPT I take. I told my family yesterday. they were very excited and slightly annoying already rubbing my belly and calling me Mama. I mean, there is nothing to rub yet, other than my fat. My cousin who is a nurse did me a favor and gave me what will hopefully be my last PIO shot. She did a much better job than I do. My butt is so sore, lumpy and bruised! It also itches at the injection sites. I also don't have any more PIO and I didn't get any more since they told me I would be moving on to suppositories so hopefully that is still the case. I really don't know how I am supposed to get any work done today. I also really wish I knew what type of number is good for 16dp6dt, or 19dpo but I will visit beta base as suggested after I get my number. I am still having cramps, about two to three times a day I get intense cramps for about a minute and then it is gone. I also think I have a whopping cyst on my left ovary because my ovary hurts like hell. Anyway, I wish I had more to say. Please pray that our beta number comes back nice and strong!

Friday, May 9, 2008

Shall I Build a Fence?

I'm thinking of building a fence around my house with all of my HPTs I have been taking. Or perhaps I will use them as garden edging. Either way I am accumulating quite a collection. This morning's test was still a BFP. I used EPT, the kind that has the plus or the minus. I know it seems crazy to take all of the HPTs but since I have to wait so freakin long for my beta it is the only thing that is keeping me somewhat sane. We told Dh's parents last night. I didn't feel comfortable making it a big deal on Mother's Day so I asked DH if it would be okay if we just told them. I knew they would pray like crazy and that is exactly what we need, lots of prayers. So we went over to their house and visited. Then Dh announced that he wanted to show them something that we "found in our house", "something that we have never seen before" we led on that it might be some sort of bug or something. So Dh pulled up the picture of our digital HPT and I watched my MIL's face go from confusion to realization. She looked at me and said "you're pregnant?" I said "well, that's what the tests have been telling us." They were thrilled! We went on to explain that we haven't gotten the blood test yet and that we didn't want anyone to know quite yet but we wanted them to know. It was a good evening and I went away feeling better that we told someone. As for me, I'm terrified for Monday. I am so scared they are going to call and say that the beta is too low or that it wont rise. I just wish I didn't have to wait so long. I wonder if they know how much stress they are putting me through by making me wait so long for my beta. And because my beta is later than most people's I don't know what kind of number to expect. Dh and I haven't gotten Mother's Day gifts or cards for our moms yet (did I mention I HATE Mother's Day?) We have been so wrapped up in our current situation that it kind of slipped our minds. So we will have to go shopping tonight. I also have to make deviled eggs for a picnic we are having at DH's grandmother's tomorrow. Lastly, I wanted to thank everyone for all of their wonderful comments and support. I could never do this without all of you. I think and pray about each any every one of you every single day. I pray for your hearts when you are hurting and rejoice with you when you are happy. I hope that we will all still be commenting on each other's blogs many years from now. You probably won't hear from me until Monday when you will get the "Before the Beta" blog. seems so far away!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

It Says Yes!

So, I have been a POAS madwoman! I have taken four tests already! I took a digital test last night. Now, I hate digital tests because I think they are mean, so I got the ones that say yes/no instead of the pregnant/not pregnant ones. Well, it said yes!Those are Dh's big ole fingers not mine! I also took another test this morning and it was still positive. So, I am going to drop to only doing a test in the I started to feel like the OHSS might be coming back a little last night. My ovaries hurt! But, I'm not complaining because that lets me know that the HCG is in my system. It is so hard to have to wait this long for a beta! Also, thanks to Sara's offer to cast a spell on mean nurse and turn her in to a toad (which I am all for) I have to decided to call the mean nurse "Nurse Toad Face" or NTF for short. As for telling our mothers I guess we have agreed to tell them but to explain that we haven't gotten blood test results yet and anything could still happen. I'm still nervous about doing it but oh well. Well, I wish I had more to say but the truth is I am so tired I am just trying to stay awake at work! I'll be back tomorrow to update BFP Watch 2008!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Poo on That!

Well, apparently my nurse at my RE's office is no longer working there. So I called the new nurse that they told me to call. She was pretty rude and told me that under no circumstances are they allowed to move beta dates up. First, that is a load of crap because I know that others have had their beta dates moved up. She listened to me and then said "no, I don't think I want to move the date up." Our beta is already being done later than most clinics do so what's a couple of days? I'm honestly just pissed about the tone she used with me. And why are they telling me something that isn't true (that they are not allowed to move beta dates)? Anyway, even though it is my body I suppose there is nothing I can do. So wait until Monday it is. This ruins our plans because we wanted to tell our parents on Mother's day but we really wanted to see the positive beta first.

I Tested...

So, after a lot of praying and thinking and crying all the way home yesterday I decided to take a test. I held my bladder for two hours and didn't drink anything hoping it would be concentrated enough. I tested again this morning and got the same result...







A BFP!!!

Yup, you are reading that correctly! I was so expecting to see only one line. I peed on the stick, set it on the back of the toilet and then went to do my PIO shot. Then I checked on the test and screamed. Dh was right behind me and I obviously started to cry and scream over and over again telling him "I see two lines!" I thought I was going crazy and wanted the two lines so bad that I was imagining them. But Dh saw them too. We spent a little time crying and then the fear set in. All of the things that could go wrong went through my mind. What if it's another chemical? What if we m/c? What if the test if positive but for some reason the beta is negative or very low. I tested again this morning and got another nice BFP. You can see the two tests side by side here (sorry for the horrible quality of the picture):

I wish I could say that I am just bubbling with excitement (which I am) and that's it but I would be lying. I am terrified! My plan is to take HPTs like they are going out of style until Thursday morning. Then I am going to call my nurse and beg her to move my beta to Friday. I wish I didn't have to tell everyone (that I know in person) so soon but the fact is they all know I get my beta on Monday. So, if I can convince my nurse to switch my beta to Friday then we can tell our mothers on Mother's day. So, please pray that I continue to get positives and that my nurse allows me to move my beta to Friday which will be 10dp6dt which I don't think is too early to get a beta. I'm so scared!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

My Dreams

I just can’t pass by the opportunity to tell you about my dreams the past couple of nights. I have been having very vivid and quite funny dreams over the past 3 nights. Unfortunately I cannot remember the dream from three nights ago but I do remember the last two.

My dream from two nights ago: “Hunting the Creeper”

In this dream my DH and I were hunting the Creeper from Jeeper’s Creepers. You know, the guy to the left. It was almost like we were in an episode of Destination Truth. We were roaming through the woods with various pieces of equipment and a log book that I was using to record sounds that the Creeper might make (very scientific.) We were traveling along a path in the forest where we would stop and camp in a tent. We never did catch the Creeper but the funny part about this dream is that when we wanted to go somewhere to look we would fly! I haven’t had dreams I could fly in years but it was just as fun to fly in this dream as it was when I had flying dreams when I was a child. We never did catch the Creeper but it sure was fun to fly around looking.

My dream from last night: “The Birds and the Old Lady”

This dream was hilarious, probably more funny if you were actually in the dream like me but I will try to explain it the best I can. Dh and I were getting ready to do a play for church (we do a lot of these.) The play was taking place at a high school instead of at our church. This particular play involved a dance routine (we do dance sometime in our plays but not this kind of dancing) that for whatever reason I had not learned in advance. So, I was asking my choir director to please allow me to practice the routine before the play started. She then advised me that she had let loose a bunch of birds in another room and before I could practice the routine I had to go and pick up all of the birds and return them to their cages. (Side Note: I am afraid of captive birds, not the ones outside but the ones people keep in their houses. I would NEVER touch a bird!) I was so upset because apparently my choir director did this as a joke on me. So Dh volunteered to help me find all the birds and return them to their cages. It turned out these birds were teenie tiny birds, like the size of my pinky finger, and they were blue and gold with blue plumes on their heads. I had to search around the room (which had carpet that the birds seemed to blend into) and pick up these birds. When you picked up a bird it would curl up in your hand and sleep like a tiny little cat. They were actually very cute and soft but I still didn’t like picking them up and there were several of them scattered around the room. One by one we returned the little birds to a gold cage in the corner of the room. While we were doing this I happened to be dressed in my “costume” for the play which just happened to be a hot pink sequined tutu! Too bad Dh wasn’t dressed in a tutu also! While we were rounding up the birds an old lady shuffles into the room and begins accusing me of stealing the tutu from her closet. She insists that I went into her closet and stole the outfit and that it was hers and she was going to call the police if I didn’t give it back to her. I tried to explain to her that it is a costume that came in a package (here is where I whipped out the costume package with the picture of the horrid tutu on the front.) She wouldn’t believe me and insisted that it was a vintage outfit and that I stole if from her closet. She was fuming mad and was screaming at me and hitting me with her purse. She threatened to call the police and I said fine because I wasn’t taking the tutu off! Then I woke up.

I have to admit that I am still chuckling about the last one. It had two totally different elements to it. The birds were so so tiny and very cute and soft. They would stand completely still so it wasn’t hard to pick them up and the moment you did they would curl up and sleep. The golden cage seemed small to fit all of the birds but they fit in there and it never did look crowded. They were actually very comforting little birds. It was almost like I was facing a fear and it didn’t turn out to be as bad as I thought. Then it totally switched gears and became hilarious where I noticed I was wearing the horrid pink tutu and the fact that this old lady was insisting it was vintage when it was clearly a cheap Halloween costume. Too funny!

Anyway, and dream interpreters care to take a stab at these?

Monday, May 5, 2008

6dp6dt- The Glass is Half-Empty

Well, like the title says, I am 6dp6dt. I am not feeling anything other than cramps now and then although they are not as bad as they were. The PIO has made my poor boobies so sore! They feel like 10 lb weights (and have been feeling this way since I did my first PIO shot)! But as far as the OHSS goes I am feeling better every day. My chest had stopped feeling wierd and my ovaries are not as sore although if I turn too quickly I do get a sharp pain. As for my hopefulness that this cycle has a chance of working, there still isn't much hope. I am actually upset I am starting to feel better from the OHSS because to me this means I am probably not pregnant. I will test at some point, I'm just not sure when. I dread seeing that negative, I hate it more than I can explain, but I would hate it worse to get a "cold call" from my nurse and not have some sort of idea it will be negative. I am also annoyed that I have to wait until May 12th for my beta. That will make me 13dp6dt, why so long? That's like waiting until 19dpo to test, craziness! I thought I would have a shorter wait but I guess not! The other thing that keeps on running through my mind is that I will be getting my beta the day after mother's day and the day before my birthday. I will definitely test before mother's day though. I really wish the timing didn't work out this way. I don't usually look forward to my birthday because nothing exciting happens, I usually go to my Mom's and open gifts and blow out candles and that's it. I get depressed around my birthday because it reminds me just how long we have been TTC. I started trying to have a baby when I was 22, I am turning 28 this year. Who would ever think that a 22 year old would have trouble conceiving, but I did. And now I'm here, 6 years later and still no baby. I also hate Mother's day more than words can express. I think it is another stupid Hallmark holiday just like Valentines Day. I am sure the reason I hate the holiday is because I am a bitter infertile and maybe my feelings towards it will change one day but for now I hate it. I refuse to go to church on Mother's Day because they give flowers out to all of the mothers, just driving home the fact that I am not one. Then we get to hear a whole sermon about how wonderful mothers are, blah, blah. Maybe they should just slap a sign on my forehead that says "NOT a Mother." Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom and my MIL, I just don't think I need a special day to celebrate them. Of course I will dutifully get the stupid cards and gifts because I know if I don't they will be hurt but I don't have to like it!

So, since this is my first IVF cycle shouldn't I be full of hope and excitement? So what's wrong with me? I feel like I have lost that innocence because most people I know who do their first IVF have only been trying for 2 to 3 years, maybe that's why there is no hope left in me? Am I just so used to being disappointed that I can't possibly think that anything would work? The first three years of dealing with IF were the hardest for me by far, that is the time when I worked through all of my stages of grief. I came into a quiet acceptance about the whole thing somewhere in the beginning of year four and it has been that way ever since. Now I don't know how to feel. Hope is for newbies right? I should know better. I should know that it is crazy to hope or even think that my first IVF cycle would work. I am dreading having to do this again. I am so scared of getting OHSS again and going through that pain. I don't know what I will do about time off of work since I am seriously in the negative. I am trying to get through this cycle first and not to think about these things but I am a planner and always have to think about the future. So, here I am, trying to find some shred of hope buried deep inside and trying not to read too much into the fact that I am feeling better every day instead of feeling returning symptoms of OHSS.

Friday, May 2, 2008

3dp6dt & Bathroom Nasties!

**Before I begin, in response to a comment from someone on one of my earlier posts, I am well aware that when you get pregnant it pushes everything inside up. I don't need to be reminded of that. However, being pregnant does not cause your belly to swell in 24 hours pushing everything up rapidly, filling your upper abdomen and lungs with fluid. So, while it may seem that I was complaining about something that happens in pregnancy as well (everything that belongs down low being pushed up high) I can assure you that it is not the same. The OHSS honestly made me feel the worst I have ever felt and this is the place where I can talk about my feelings without being judged too harshly. I'm sure the comment wasn't meant to be rude, but it hurt my feelings the way it came across. Anyway, I'm stepping down from my soapbox**

Yeah, yeah, I know the title is boring but I couldn't think of anything. I am over 100 posts already! My 100th post was a couple posts ago but I couldn't think of anything enlightening to say so I didn't mention it. I still can't think of anything enlightening to say so you are out of luck! I can tell you that as my usual pessimistic self is already taking charge and all my hope that this cycle will work is already gone. Rational? Probably not but that's the way I am. Why am I so sure it had failed already? Well, because I am having intense AF like cramps. I feel the same type of cramps I felt towards the end of my last IUI cycle when it ended up being a BFN. I have never done an IVF cycle so I have nothing to compare this to. Maybe the PIO is causing cramps? I just don't know. However, I feel like AF might come soon. I'm assuming the medicine I am talking will keep her from coming too early. I can now button my work pants but they are still tight. My upper belly still looks like it is swollen a bit but not as bad. My chest still feels weird though. It still feels heavy when I bend over and I am still short of breath. I'm not sure what is causing it but now I am coughing also. Part of me thinks that my chest is sore from all of the vomiting (sorry TMI) and dry heaving which hurt like hell. But, I am able to eat regular meals now which is good. I feel so fat! I knew the IVF drugs would put on some weight but its hard when you are already a big girl to see those extra pounds. Can someone say porker?

Lastly, before I leave, I would like to point out some gross bathroom habits that I have noticed from some of the people in my building. One lady never washes her hands. She uses the bathroom then goes directly to the paper towel dispenser, gets a paper towel, wipes her hands (like she washed them) and walks out. Gross! I don't even want to know what she is wiping off of her hands! Then another lady makes it a point to grab one of those paper toilet seat covers but then doesn't wash her hands when she leaves. So, she wants her ass to be clean but who cares about her hands? Ewwww! Please everyone, wash your hands after you use the potty, otherwise it's just gross!