Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Now, on to my title. Let me preface this by saying that I am VERY bloated! I guess it is my ovaries combined with the normal bloat for this time in a pregnancy. So, I bought a tummy sleeve from Motherhood and I have been wearing it with my pants since I can’t button my pants right now. So anyway, on to the story. When we arrived at the farm house Dh and I decided that we needed to go to the store and pick up some soda I could drink and some snacks for me. So we went to the local hillbilly grocery store on top of the mountain. I picked up some snacks and we got in line to check out. It was about that time that I started not to feel well. I really needed to eat something and was basically salivating looking at the snacks we were purchasing. I guess I looked a little sick feeling because the cashier looked at me and asked “Are you okay hun? Is the baby kicking?” She really caught me off guard asking a question like that. I mean, yeah, I am bloated but I don’t think I am quite big enough that someone should be asking me a question like that! I recovered quickly and said something like “Um, not quite yet, I’m just not feeling well.” She proceeded to go on to offer me something to drink. I told her no I would be fine. I walked out of the store laughing but I couldn’t help but think how different I would have felt had a NOT been pregnant. What if I was still just bloated from the OHSS and someone said that to me? How crushed would that make me feel? I mean, isn’t like common courtesy to not ask someone about their baby unless it is 100% obvious that they are pregnant? I just couldn’t believe that I could be that bloated! It made me feel crappy about my body. I’m already feeling fat as it is. I’m having an awful time fitting into my clothes and I am already dreading having to go buy a bigger pair of pants and shirts that are a little loose fitting. So this didn’t make me feel any better.
Anyway, I wish I had more to write about. I love all of the new commenters and I can’t wait to check out everyone’s blog. I have my 7 week ultrasound and I am excited and scared at the same time. I hope my little Doozer has grown and has a nice strong heartbeat. I think if all goes well I may be graduating from my RE tomorrow. I am hopeful because of the morning sickness and hoping that it means my little guy is growing but I will feel better when I get to see for myself. I am also nervous because I am not feeling as much cramps as I used to, but I was also worried when I was feeling the cramps so I guess you can’t win with me. Please pray that all is well with my little Doozer! My appointment is at 8:15 tomorrow and I will update when I get back to work.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
· It has taught me patience. This was one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I am a fairly impatient person. I am used to being able to do something to get what I want. I wanted a college degree, so I went to college and got one. Infertility is different, you have to wait for everything that you want. This is a hard life lesson but an important one.
· It has taught me that I am not always in control. See above.
· It has taught me to think before I speak. We all know those comments we hate to hear; “Just relax,” “Take a vacation,” “You’re young.” Having been on the receiving end of those comments many times I have learned to think before I speak. You should never assume you know someone’s situation. You just don’t know how much something that you think is a harmless comment, or assvice as we all so lovingly call it, can hurt someone. I’m still working on this one. You can ask my Dh and he will tell you that I often speak before I think. I’m working on it though and getting better.
· It has taught me just how special the bond I have with my husband is. I know you gals will say the same but I truly think that my husband is the most wonderful husband in the world. When I first met Dh I thought for sure he was an angel, sent from Heaven just for me. He has brought me into a relationship with God and for that I am eternally thankful. He is my best friend. I never thought I would enjoy spending time with my husband as much as I do. Before I got married I always heard people complaining about how much they needed to get away from their spouses. I never feel this way! I love spending time with my husband and my heart breaks every single time I have to leave him for the day. The infertility that we have went through has only made our bond that much closer. When we first found out it was me “with the problem” I was so worried that he was going to blame me. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t make him a father when he would be such a great one. I was worried that he would resent that he married me. I was also worried that his parents would regret that he married me. He is an only child and the only hope for a grandbaby. But, none of those things were true. I realized that he felt the pain of infertility just as much as I did. He cried with me every time I cried, and it has made us stronger.
· And lastly, infertility has allowed me to make wonderful friends that I never would have met otherwise. When we first started trying I met a wonderful group of ladies over at WebMd. We got to know each other very well once everyone else on our message board got pregnant and we didn’t. Then we moved to communicating through e-mail. Three of us even met in Chicago. It was amazing to see that these women were real women, real people. Then we drifted apart, or I drifted away from the group. I can’t really explain it except that I was not in the same place emotionally that I am now. As each of them began getting their BFPs I began to realize that soon I was going to be the odd man out. So I kind of pulled away. Now I have had the pleasure of being able to speak with one of them again through my blog! It’s so amazing to see that she is still the wonderful supportive person that she always was. I think about the rest of them often. I wonder what’s going on in their lives. Then I met all of you! Starting a blog was the best thing I have ever done! I have made some amazing friends here and even though we have never met in person I feel incredibly close to every one of you. I know all of your stories and follow you daily. It felt so good to know that there were so many others who shared my pain!
So, I guess the point of this long-ass post is to tell all of you that I haven’t magically forgotten about the pain of infertility. And that in fact, pregnancy has opened up a whole new world of fears for me. But most importantly, that we are all learning something from this experience, even if it is sometimes hard to see. Sorry for the length of the post and I hope it makes sense.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
In other news, I survived church on Sunday! I was so worried about going to church because it would be the first day I saw everyone since we shared our news. Since we have been so open it has been both a blessing and a curse. It has been a blessing because we have received many kind words and prayers and I believe that we have raised awareness in our community about IF. It has been a curse because we were forced to tell everyone way earlier than I ever would have told anyone. I was nervous about going to church because everyone was so excited about hearing our results I thought for sure they would attack me as soon as I walked in the door. But everyone was very nice, I did get a lot of “how are you feeling” and lots of “congratulations” but no attacks!
Our weekend was wonderful! Friday Dh and I just hung around the house and relaxed. Saturday we woke up early and went to Bob Evans for breakfast. You would think that since I am “the p-word” I would be ravishingly hungry and eat a lot of food, but I’m really not. In fact, it almost seems that I can’t eat as much or as big of meals as I could before. I think it is due to my ovaries swelling again. But anyway, I had ½ of a yummy breakfast and Dh ate the other half. Then we headed off to the Baltimore Zoo to meet the baby elephant Samson. He is too cute! We did get some pictures and if I remember I will post them. We stayed at the zoo until about 1:00 p.m. it was a lot more walking than I anticipated and I was exhausted when we got home. I rested, and maybe took a small nap when I got home. Dh’s softball game was cancelled so we spend the day at Dh’s parents. On Sunday we went to church and then Sunday evening Dh took me to Medieval Times. It was so much fun! So all in all we have a very exciting weekend. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I enjoy spending time with my Dh. Ever since we met 10 years ago we have spent every minute possible together and I never get tired of it!
I do have a post planned but it probably won’t be until after our u/s. tomorrows post will probably be filled with more worries and fears. One question I am going to call NTF and ask is if I am still supposed to do the Endometrin suppository the morning of my u/s, I mean, wont it get in the way or something?
Friday, May 16, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
I am hoping and praying that they call me with a nice high beta number. This will hopefully be the last HPT I take. I told my family yesterday. they were very excited and slightly annoying already rubbing my belly and calling me Mama. I mean, there is nothing to rub yet, other than my fat. My cousin who is a nurse did me a favor and gave me what will hopefully be my last PIO shot. She did a much better job than I do. My butt is so sore, lumpy and bruised! It also itches at the injection sites. I also don't have any more PIO and I didn't get any more since they told me I would be moving on to suppositories so hopefully that is still the case. I really don't know how I am supposed to get any work done today. I also really wish I knew what type of number is good for 16dp6dt, or 19dpo but I will visit beta base as suggested after I get my number. I am still having cramps, about two to three times a day I get intense cramps for about a minute and then it is gone. I also think I have a whopping cyst on my left ovary because my ovary hurts like hell. Anyway, I wish I had more to say. Please pray that our beta number comes back nice and strong!
Friday, May 9, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Yup, you are reading that correctly! I was so expecting to see only one line. I peed on the stick, set it on the back of the toilet and then went to do my PIO shot. Then I checked on the test and screamed. Dh was right behind me and I obviously started to cry and scream over and over again telling him "I see two lines!" I thought I was going crazy and wanted the two lines so bad that I was imagining them. But Dh saw them too. We spent a little time crying and then the fear set in. All of the things that could go wrong went through my mind. What if it's another chemical? What if we m/c? What if the test if positive but for some reason the beta is negative or very low. I tested again this morning and got another nice BFP. You can see the two tests side by side here (sorry for the horrible quality of the picture):
I wish I could say that I am just bubbling with excitement (which I am) and that's it but I would be lying. I am terrified! My plan is to take HPTs like they are going out of style until Thursday morning. Then I am going to call my nurse and beg her to move my beta to Friday. I wish I didn't have to tell everyone (that I know in person) so soon but the fact is they all know I get my beta on Monday. So, if I can convince my nurse to switch my beta to Friday then we can tell our mothers on Mother's day. So, please pray that I continue to get positives and that my nurse allows me to move my beta to Friday which will be 10dp6dt which I don't think is too early to get a beta. I'm so scared!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
My dream from two nights ago: “Hunting the Creeper”
In this dream my DH and I were hunting the Creeper from Jeeper’s Creepers. You know, the guy to the left. It was almost like we were in an episode of Destination Truth. We were roaming through the woods with various pieces of equipment and a log book that I was using to record sounds that the Creeper might make (very scientific.) We were traveling along a path in the forest where we would stop and camp in a tent. We never did catch the Creeper but the funny part about this dream is that when we wanted to go somewhere to look we would fly! I haven’t had dreams I could fly in years but it was just as fun to fly in this dream as it was when I had flying dreams when I was a child. We never did catch the Creeper but it sure was fun to fly around looking.
My dream from last night: “The Birds and the Old Lady”
This dream was hilarious, probably more funny if you were actually in the dream like me but I will try to explain it the best I can. Dh and I were getting ready to do a play for church (we do a lot of these.) The play was taking place at a high school instead of at our church. This particular play involved a dance routine (we do dance sometime in our plays but not this kind of dancing) that for whatever reason I had not learned in advance. So, I was asking my choir director to please allow me to practice the routine before the play started. She then advised me that she had let loose a bunch of birds in another room and before I could practice the routine I had to go and pick up all of the birds and return them to their cages. (Side Note: I am afraid of captive birds, not the ones outside but the ones people keep in their houses. I would NEVER touch a bird!) I was so upset because apparently my choir director did this as a joke on me. So Dh volunteered to help me find all the birds and return them to their cages. It turned out these birds were teenie tiny birds, like the size of my pinky finger, and they were blue and gold with blue plumes on their heads. I had to search around the room (which had carpet that the birds seemed to blend into) and pick up these birds. When you picked up a bird it would curl up in your hand and sleep like a tiny little cat. They were actually very cute and soft but I still didn’t like picking them up and there were several of them scattered around the room. One by one we returned the little birds to a gold cage in the corner of the room. While we were doing this I happened to be dressed in my “costume” for the play which just happened to be a hot pink sequined tutu! Too bad Dh wasn’t dressed in a tutu also! While we were rounding up the birds an old lady shuffles into the room and begins accusing me of stealing the tutu from her closet. She insists that I went into her closet and stole the outfit and that it was hers and she was going to call the police if I didn’t give it back to her. I tried to explain to her that it is a costume that came in a package (here is where I whipped out the costume package with the picture of the horrid tutu on the front.) She wouldn’t believe me and insisted that it was a vintage outfit and that I stole if from her closet. She was fuming mad and was screaming at me and hitting me with her purse. She threatened to call the police and I said fine because I wasn’t taking the tutu off! Then I woke up.
I have to admit that I am still chuckling about the last one. It had two totally different elements to it. The birds were so so tiny and very cute and soft. They would stand completely still so it wasn’t hard to pick them up and the moment you did they would curl up and sleep. The golden cage seemed small to fit all of the birds but they fit in there and it never did look crowded. They were actually very comforting little birds. It was almost like I was facing a fear and it didn’t turn out to be as bad as I thought. Then it totally switched gears and became hilarious where I noticed I was wearing the horrid pink tutu and the fact that this old lady was insisting it was vintage when it was clearly a cheap Halloween costume. Too funny!
Anyway, and dream interpreters care to take a stab at these?
Monday, May 5, 2008
So, since this is my first IVF cycle shouldn't I be full of hope and excitement? So what's wrong with me? I feel like I have lost that innocence because most people I know who do their first IVF have only been trying for 2 to 3 years, maybe that's why there is no hope left in me? Am I just so used to being disappointed that I can't possibly think that anything would work? The first three years of dealing with IF were the hardest for me by far, that is the time when I worked through all of my stages of grief. I came into a quiet acceptance about the whole thing somewhere in the beginning of year four and it has been that way ever since. Now I don't know how to feel. Hope is for newbies right? I should know better. I should know that it is crazy to hope or even think that my first IVF cycle would work. I am dreading having to do this again. I am so scared of getting OHSS again and going through that pain. I don't know what I will do about time off of work since I am seriously in the negative. I am trying to get through this cycle first and not to think about these things but I am a planner and always have to think about the future. So, here I am, trying to find some shred of hope buried deep inside and trying not to read too much into the fact that I am feeling better every day instead of feeling returning symptoms of OHSS.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Yeah, yeah, I know the title is boring but I couldn't think of anything. I am over 100 posts already! My 100th post was a couple posts ago but I couldn't think of anything enlightening to say so I didn't mention it. I still can't think of anything enlightening to say so you are out of luck! I can tell you that as my usual pessimistic self is already taking charge and all my hope that this cycle will work is already gone. Rational? Probably not but that's the way I am. Why am I so sure it had failed already? Well, because I am having intense AF like cramps. I feel the same type of cramps I felt towards the end of my last IUI cycle when it ended up being a BFN. I have never done an IVF cycle so I have nothing to compare this to. Maybe the PIO is causing cramps? I just don't know. However, I feel like AF might come soon. I'm assuming the medicine I am talking will keep her from coming too early. I can now button my work pants but they are still tight. My upper belly still looks like it is swollen a bit but not as bad. My chest still feels weird though. It still feels heavy when I bend over and I am still short of breath. I'm not sure what is causing it but now I am coughing also. Part of me thinks that my chest is sore from all of the vomiting (sorry TMI) and dry heaving which hurt like hell. But, I am able to eat regular meals now which is good. I feel so fat! I knew the IVF drugs would put on some weight but its hard when you are already a big girl to see those extra pounds. Can someone say porker?
Lastly, before I leave, I would like to point out some gross bathroom habits that I have noticed from some of the people in my building. One lady never washes her hands. She uses the bathroom then goes directly to the paper towel dispenser, gets a paper towel, wipes her hands (like she washed them) and walks out. Gross! I don't even want to know what she is wiping off of her hands! Then another lady makes it a point to grab one of those paper toilet seat covers but then doesn't wash her hands when she leaves. So, she wants her ass to be clean but who cares about her hands? Ewwww! Please everyone, wash your hands after you use the potty, otherwise it's just gross!