I’m Still Infertile

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a couple of weeks now, actually ever since we got our BFP. Now I think it is the perfect time to write it. I never imagined myself actually seeing that second line, having a positive beta, and even seeing a heartbeat. Obviously, that was the desired outcome of all of the treatments we went through, but I could never really imagine any of these things happening to me. And even when they did happen, one by one, I thought of reasons why they might not be true. When I got my first BFP I thought for sure it was a faulty test, so I went out and bought another (well maybe a few), when that one was positive too I thought it must still be the trigger shot. When the tests continued to be positive I was sure it would be a chemical pregnancy. All through my betas I was sure something horrible would happen. Then the day of the u/s I was positive we would get some horrible news. I still worry that something is going to go wrong and take this baby away from us. The reason why I am saying all of this is because I want you, my fellow infertiles who are still in the trenches, to know that being pregnant didn’t make any of the hurt and pain go away. I still feel the sting of six years of disappointments and hurts. I know how incredibly lucky I am that it worked for us on the first IVF cycle. I know what a blessing that is. I know that so many of you have been through several cycles of IVF with no success. I can’t even express how much I wish this could be a reality for all of us. I know that there are days when you are still in the trenches (be advised that I do not consider myself out of the trenches yet, I’m not sure when that will happen) just can’t bear to read a post about BFPs, betas, ultrasounds, whatever. I totally get that because that has been me on several occasions. I know what it is like to have that awful feeling of jealousy about someone else’s good news and then feel terrible about it afterwards because you consider them a friend. Today I checked my bloglines and I lost a subscriber. I know it sounds silly but it made me sad. Not because one less person will be reading my blog, because I really started this blog for myself, but because the thought that someone may have “unsubscribed” because they couldn’t read about my pregnancy broke my heart. Maybe it’s not the case at all. Maybe this person just decided not to use bloglines anymore, or maybe they just sick of hearing me whine, but maybe they are just going through a really tough time and just couldn’t bear to continue reading. The thought that some of you are still experiencing the pain I have felt for so long makes me sad. I want all of you to know that it is okay not to be able to read if you feel like you can’t. Some days are better than others. And if you feel like you need to stop reading all together that’s okay too. The first three years of my infertility were the hardest for me. I will never forget the day my doctor diagnosed me with PCOS. We had already been trying for almost a year (I think.) I came home and bawled because I knew it was going to be a tough road ahead. I know our dreams of making a baby in the privacy of our home was over. So I began the grieving process. I was angry and jealous every time I heard a pregnancy announcement, and believe me there were quite a few throughout those three years. The next couple of years were much easier. I suppose because we took such a long break. I was able to think about other things besides IF and heal a lot. I also learned how to deal with the anger and jealously and I learned the most important lesson of all, how to turn it over to God. When we were finally able to begin treatments again (when I began this blog) I had a whole new outlook. I still felt some of those same old feelings creeping up inside of me, but this time I was able to control my feelings better and bounce back from things quicker. I am a seasoned infertile, I know how to deal with being infertile, I know all about infertility. But now I find myself in a confusing new place, albeit a place I have wanted to be for years now, still confusing. Now I am a pregnant infertile and that comes with an array of the same kind of emotions; fear, uncertainty, and most of all jealousy. Jealousy of those who can get pregnant in the privacy of their own home; Jealousy of those who are innocent enough to think that when they get pregnant it is a guarantee to bring home a healthy baby, and the crazy thing is, it usually happens that way for them; Jealousy of those who don’t know all of the things that can go wrong and therefore don’t wake up every morning wondering if their baby is still alive. I feel that infertility has taken that away, not only from me but from all of you. But, the main reason I am writing this post is not to share with you all of the things that infertility has robbed me of, but to share with you the things that infertility has blessed me with. Blessed you ask? Yes. Even though I would never wish this on my worst enemy, if I had a chance to go back and change it all I wouldn’t change a thing. Why? Because I believe that infertility has blessed me in many many ways.

· It has taught me patience. This was one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I am a fairly impatient person. I am used to being able to do something to get what I want. I wanted a college degree, so I went to college and got one. Infertility is different, you have to wait for everything that you want. This is a hard life lesson but an important one.

· It has taught me that I am not always in control. See above.

· It has taught me to think before I speak. We all know those comments we hate to hear; “Just relax,” “Take a vacation,” “You’re young.” Having been on the receiving end of those comments many times I have learned to think before I speak. You should never assume you know someone’s situation. You just don’t know how much something that you think is a harmless comment, or assvice as we all so lovingly call it, can hurt someone. I’m still working on this one. You can ask my Dh and he will tell you that I often speak before I think. I’m working on it though and getting better.

· It has taught me just how special the bond I have with my husband is. I know you gals will say the same but I truly think that my husband is the most wonderful husband in the world. When I first met Dh I thought for sure he was an angel, sent from Heaven just for me. He has brought me into a relationship with God and for that I am eternally thankful. He is my best friend. I never thought I would enjoy spending time with my husband as much as I do. Before I got married I always heard people complaining about how much they needed to get away from their spouses. I never feel this way! I love spending time with my husband and my heart breaks every single time I have to leave him for the day. The infertility that we have went through has only made our bond that much closer. When we first found out it was me “with the problem” I was so worried that he was going to blame me. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t make him a father when he would be such a great one. I was worried that he would resent that he married me. I was also worried that his parents would regret that he married me. He is an only child and the only hope for a grandbaby. But, none of those things were true. I realized that he felt the pain of infertility just as much as I did. He cried with me every time I cried, and it has made us stronger.

· And lastly, infertility has allowed me to make wonderful friends that I never would have met otherwise. When we first started trying I met a wonderful group of ladies over at WebMd. We got to know each other very well once everyone else on our message board got pregnant and we didn’t. Then we moved to communicating through e-mail. Three of us even met in Chicago. It was amazing to see that these women were real women, real people. Then we drifted apart, or I drifted away from the group. I can’t really explain it except that I was not in the same place emotionally that I am now. As each of them began getting their BFPs I began to realize that soon I was going to be the odd man out. So I kind of pulled away. Now I have had the pleasure of being able to speak with one of them again through my blog! It’s so amazing to see that she is still the wonderful supportive person that she always was. I think about the rest of them often. I wonder what’s going on in their lives. Then I met all of you! Starting a blog was the best thing I have ever done! I have made some amazing friends here and even though we have never met in person I feel incredibly close to every one of you. I know all of your stories and follow you daily. It felt so good to know that there were so many others who shared my pain!

So, I guess the point of this long-ass post is to tell all of you that I haven’t magically forgotten about the pain of infertility. And that in fact, pregnancy has opened up a whole new world of fears for me. But most importantly, that we are all learning something from this experience, even if it is sometimes hard to see. Sorry for the length of the post and I hope it makes sense.