Monday, May 5, 2008

6dp6dt- The Glass is Half-Empty

Well, like the title says, I am 6dp6dt. I am not feeling anything other than cramps now and then although they are not as bad as they were. The PIO has made my poor boobies so sore! They feel like 10 lb weights (and have been feeling this way since I did my first PIO shot)! But as far as the OHSS goes I am feeling better every day. My chest had stopped feeling wierd and my ovaries are not as sore although if I turn too quickly I do get a sharp pain. As for my hopefulness that this cycle has a chance of working, there still isn't much hope. I am actually upset I am starting to feel better from the OHSS because to me this means I am probably not pregnant. I will test at some point, I'm just not sure when. I dread seeing that negative, I hate it more than I can explain, but I would hate it worse to get a "cold call" from my nurse and not have some sort of idea it will be negative. I am also annoyed that I have to wait until May 12th for my beta. That will make me 13dp6dt, why so long? That's like waiting until 19dpo to test, craziness! I thought I would have a shorter wait but I guess not! The other thing that keeps on running through my mind is that I will be getting my beta the day after mother's day and the day before my birthday. I will definitely test before mother's day though. I really wish the timing didn't work out this way. I don't usually look forward to my birthday because nothing exciting happens, I usually go to my Mom's and open gifts and blow out candles and that's it. I get depressed around my birthday because it reminds me just how long we have been TTC. I started trying to have a baby when I was 22, I am turning 28 this year. Who would ever think that a 22 year old would have trouble conceiving, but I did. And now I'm here, 6 years later and still no baby. I also hate Mother's day more than words can express. I think it is another stupid Hallmark holiday just like Valentines Day. I am sure the reason I hate the holiday is because I am a bitter infertile and maybe my feelings towards it will change one day but for now I hate it. I refuse to go to church on Mother's Day because they give flowers out to all of the mothers, just driving home the fact that I am not one. Then we get to hear a whole sermon about how wonderful mothers are, blah, blah. Maybe they should just slap a sign on my forehead that says "NOT a Mother." Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom and my MIL, I just don't think I need a special day to celebrate them. Of course I will dutifully get the stupid cards and gifts because I know if I don't they will be hurt but I don't have to like it!

So, since this is my first IVF cycle shouldn't I be full of hope and excitement? So what's wrong with me? I feel like I have lost that innocence because most people I know who do their first IVF have only been trying for 2 to 3 years, maybe that's why there is no hope left in me? Am I just so used to being disappointed that I can't possibly think that anything would work? The first three years of dealing with IF were the hardest for me by far, that is the time when I worked through all of my stages of grief. I came into a quiet acceptance about the whole thing somewhere in the beginning of year four and it has been that way ever since. Now I don't know how to feel. Hope is for newbies right? I should know better. I should know that it is crazy to hope or even think that my first IVF cycle would work. I am dreading having to do this again. I am so scared of getting OHSS again and going through that pain. I don't know what I will do about time off of work since I am seriously in the negative. I am trying to get through this cycle first and not to think about these things but I am a planner and always have to think about the future. So, here I am, trying to find some shred of hope buried deep inside and trying not to read too much into the fact that I am feeling better every day instead of feeling returning symptoms of OHSS.

8 comments:

Erin said...

I have been there and know how you feel. I don't have anything to say except I'm praying for you.

Nadine said...

Hi, I know from reading your blog that you have a strong amazing relationship with God. Leave it with him honey, and he will take care of you.
I'm praying for that positive for you...

sara said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm not sure what to say that will sound right other than I'm praying for you, and will be thinking of you often. I'm always here to listen. Sending some hugs...

AwkwardMoments said...

Hope is not for newbies- hope is for everyone. It's so hard not to be a planner when it comes to this stuff. We paln out or day around shots, dr appointments, work, schedules, life..So planning IS so much imbedded into our lifes and brains. It's the outcome we can not plan for. And it is so hard to tke one day at a time.

sending you hugs and wishing there was more I could do

CJ said...

You'll be in my prayers! I hope you get to see your BFP! That is strange about your beta, I get my beta 9 days later past my 5dt on May 15th. You'll definilty need to test before then. Try to have some hope. :)

nickoletta100 said...

Go ahead and feel however you want. No need to pressure yourself into feeling guilty about it. We will hold out hope for you!!!!

Evil Stepmonster said...

Its hard not to feel negative at this point, but I don't think recovering from OHSS is a bad thing.

We need to plan to keep sane, it doesn't mean that we abandon hope. Without a 'plan b' ready after each cycle I would not have lasted this long.

Best wishes to you, one week done, one to go.

Adriane said...

So glad you are feeling a little better. OK, I think 19dpo is a little late, too! Glad you are planning to test before then.

The upcoming Mother's Day holiday has to hurt. I agree - it's such a ha.llmark holiday! I completely understand why you wouldn't go to church.

Don't be too hard on yourself about hope, etc. Six years is a long time - no matter how you put it. I understand if you're feeling hopeful and hopeless at the same time. I am praying for you.