Happy New Year!! (4dpIUI)

I hope everyone had a wonderful new year and I hope this year makes all of our dreams come true!

Well, I am officially 4 dpo (or something like that) although I really felt O pains on the left side the day before my IUI (Friday) and I never did feel any O pains on the right side but who knows. I woke up the morning of the IUI extremely uncomfortable. I was bloated and my ovaries hurt! The IUI itself went well and was painless and quick. DH had a post wash count of 15 million which the doctor said was good. We went shopping for a little bit after the IUI but I was so uncomfortable that it hurt to walk so I came home and laid down for a bit. By Sunday the pain in my ovaries was gone for the most part although it still hurts to cough. The worst part of the 2ww waiting for me (besides the waiting obviously) is going to be the progesterone suppositories. I HATE these things! They make me feel so bloated, irritable, uncomfortable and for some reason they seem to be making my acid reflux 10 times worse. I can't eat anything without having horrible heartburn and stomach upset! I am so bloated that the button on my pants broke this morning. Man do I wish I could wear sweatpants to work! Other than the above, I don't really have any symptoms to report although it is too early for symptoms anyway.

Now that I got that out of the way, let me reflect on the new year. I HATE new years! I never liked it, but I especially don't like it now. I can honestly say that the past two or three years have been the most difficult years of my life. Not only dealing with the IF (which has been 5 years anyway) but because in the past two years alone I have lost so many people I love. In January 2006 I lost my boss to a tragic death. She was not only my boss but my mentor and a wonderful friend. Her death affected me worse than any other death I have ever experienced. I suppose because she was so young (37) and it was so unexpected. Then in March 2006 my father passed away from a stroke. I always had a strained relationship with my father and absolutely hated his new wife but his death was hard. These two deaths so close together along with all of the other stresses in my life caused me to begin having anxiety attacks. It was awful. In 2007 I switched jobs because my previous job was never the same since I lost my boss. I was not happy with the attorney that took her place. On top of all of these things that happened DH and I struggled to save money for future IF treatments which was the reason we had a 2 year lapse in treatment. I also had to endure several "unexpected" pregnancies being announced around me (all from those who were unmarried and younger than me.) We also watched several of our friends get married and have children all in the past two years. So needless to say we have been left in the dust so to speak. All of our friends that are couples now have children or are expecting and have felt the need to withdraw themselves from our lives. So, it has not been a good couple of years. Therefore, I say screw you to 2007 and hope that 2008 will be a better year. I am sure that every woman who has dealt with some type of infertility can agree that the new year can be a difficult time. I have gotten past the point where I declare that this year is the year. Now I know better than to assume that somehow things will be different then they have all of the years before. So this way of thinking, along with the fact that I have an overload of hormones raging through my body set the stage for a mini-meltdown about 9:00 p.m. on new years eve. We were supposed to go bowling with a couple from church and several of their friends. At 9:00 I decided that it wasn't good idea to spend the evening with a bunch of young couples and their children. I mean, can you blame me? So I bailed out. I think DH may have been a bit disappointed but oh well. I told him he could still go but the smart man didn't want to leave me alone on new years (and we all know if he did decide to go and left me alone there would be hell to pay.) So, we spent new years on the couch watching episodes of paranormal state which I found mildly entertaining. We did change the channel quickly just in time to catch the ball dropping. All in all, I am more than glad that 2007 is gone.

Now, with all of the bad things that have happened in the past year there are several things I am thankful for which I feel obligated to list lest you think I am completely insane.
1) I have met all of you. I cant begin to tell you what a blessing it is to have found a community of women who understand exactly what I am going through. It has been such a blessing. I enjoy reading your blogs and find joy in the fact that so many of you have achieved success. I find hope in the fact that it has worked for so many of you. I love reading your comments and receiving your support so please keep them coming!
2) (I'm going off on a religious tangent here so feel free to skip if you don't want to read) My faith in God has grown tremendously during this whole IF experience. You would think IF would cause me to lose faith in God but it has only made my faith stronger. When we first started this whole thing I was so used to simply working for what I wanted and getting it. Don't get me wrong, things never came easy but I always knew what I had to do to achieve my goals and it was always in my control. I quickly realized that the IF is totally out of my control. I am doing what I can but ultimately it is in God's hands. What a beautiful blessing it is to learn (the hard way) the meaning or true faith. To believe in something that has yet to happen. To know God's love when you truly need it the most. This is the most precious blessing that I have received throughout this whole process and through the loss of my father and friend. What an amazing thing to know that when you can't bear it any more, when you can't do it alone, there is someone there who can carry you.

There are obviously many more things that I am thankful for but I don't want to lose your interest so I will stop here. Don't expect too many sappy posts from me. I am not a sappy person and I am hopped up on hormones (that's my story and I'm stickin to it.) Anyway, I think you have endured enough, if you actually stuck around and read this whole post good for you!