Take Two

Well I’m back…again…for the second time today. I think I have made a decision. I want to do one more cycle of IUI/injectables. Just so that I know that I tried my very best. I know I am going against medical advice but it won’t be the first time and probably not the last. I like my doctor and I trust his judgment and I do understand why he wants to move on to IVF. But I just feel like I have to try once more. I’m not really sure how DH feels, he says he agrees with me but I know he is eager to start IVF. I called my RE’s office and spoke to my nurse who said my doctor agreed to do one more FSH cycle. She said that they “changed my protocol from IVF to IUI.” I think they kind of forgot that my insurance company was insisting that I do FSH/IUI first and that I seriously doubt that one cycle would have been enough for them. It’s not like I could have just started an IVF cycle, I would have needed to get a referral. She said that during this cycle they will begin the process of requesting the IVF referral. I really do hope that two cycles of IUI/FSH will be enough for my insurance. I remember when I called that they told me they have a “chart” that they go by that tells them how many cycles of each and in which order have to be done before moving on(which I think is totally insane to begin with.) I do feel like I am being a bother to my doctor but ultimately it is my body and my decision. I did also want to explain (although I don’t know why I feel the need to explain my feelings) why moving on to IVF is so hard for me and why I am always “looking ahead.” I realize that focusing on the here and now is the most healthy way to look at things but when it involves your finances and your way of life it is hard to do that. I have always been a “planner” and I have always thought ahead when making decisions. I have also always been a “worrier.” I feel like I have to prepare myself for the worst and that way it won’t hurt as much when it happens. I’m not saying this is the best way of thinking, I’m just saying that this is how I am. I also look at IVF a lot differently than I used to. Back when we first started all of these IF treatments I wished that we could just move straight to IVF. It seemed like the best option and the one to maximize chances for success. I always thought that if I had to do IVF so what, at least I would be doing the very best and most high-tech procedure. I never really realized how final IVF is until it is here staring me in the face. I suppose if I was wealthy or had wealthy relatives it wouldn’t scare me so much. But, we are just a normal middle class couple who have debts like most people and unfortunately have family who is not in the position to help as much as they would like. So, while I realize I may be “getting ahead of myself” a bit, I have to be realistic about what the very near future may hold for us. I can’t responsibly “see what happens” and then go from there, or “worry about it when it comes” I’m just not that type of person. I think that mostly every woman, when faced with the thought of the end of their journey to have a biological child, have some sort of anxiety or fear. I think it is only normal. I am not saying it is over for us by any means. I am just saying that at this time and place we are only able to do one cycle of IUI/injectables, one IVF, and possibly one FET. It could definitely be all it takes and I hope that it is, but I can’t help but think of the what if’s. If anyone has a suggestion for how not to think about the future then I am all ears. I guess I am trying for some reason to justify my feelings because I had a few people (not anyone on here) today tell me to “stop worrying about what hasn’t happened yet.” I wish I could, I really do. Maybe some people can do that, just “worry about it when it happens” but I am not one of them. I feel like mostly everything I am feeling is totally normal when it comes to someone with IF, but I could be wrong. I also feel that the guilt is normal as well. I can’t help but feel guilty because I am the one with “the problem” and the one that is keeping us from having a family. I know that dh doesn’t feel that way and he loves me no matter what but it doesn’t make the guilt any less. I guess the bottom line is that I have had some people make me feel like crap today, like I was overreacting or worrying for no reason and since I cant possibly tell them how I really feel I decided to come on here and vent. I don’t expect everyone to understand my situation. Someone who doesn’t know what it is like can’t possibly understand but it doesn’t make it any easier to listen to their insensitive comments. How is it appropriate to tell someone that they shouldn’t feel a certain way? Well, I think I have vented enough for one day. I hope I didn’t offend anyone. I’m not saying this is how all women dealing with IF should feel and I’m not putting down people who have the money to do treatment after treatment or saying that if you have money IF is less painful, just putting things in perspective as it relates to my situation. I love reading all of your comments and I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t say what they want to say. I always love advice even if it isn’t what I want to hear. I love to hear what you think I should do or what you did, I just can’t get used to people telling me I shouldn’t be feeling a certain way (again no one on here.)

As far as my treatment plan goes, I go in for my baseline u/s tomorrow (she told me no b/w this time..whooohoo.) As long as there is no cysts I will begin the Follistim 75iu again and go back on Saturday for another u/s & b/w to check the progress. My nurse did sound kind of irritated that I was going against my doctors advice but oh well. I just hope that he puts his full energy into this cycle even though it is not what he wanted to do. I promise all of my entries won’t be this serious as I am really not a serious person, but every now and then I do have some feelings lurking in there somewhere!