The Flu

The Flu: No, not me! My Dh came down with the flu this week! My poor baby is very very sick and I feel so bad I had to leave him at home today. He stayed home Tuesday because he didn't feel well and called me around 3:30 saying that he caoucn't get out of bed and was shivering. He was also complaining that his body ached really bad. So I went in and told my boss I was going to go home. He looked at me like I was crazy because I was going to go home because my husband was sick. My dh never gets sick and he is not a complainer so I know that when he says he doesn't feel well he must really feel awful. When I got home Dh was laying in bed, shivering and covered in sweat. He was burning hot. I took his tempreature which was 102.5. I realized that I had no groceries in the house because we were supposed to go grocery shopping that night. The only vehicle we own is a stick and I can't drive it. So I had to call my FIL to come and take me to the grocery store so I could get some sick-friendly food. While I am getting Dh some tylenol and seeing to him one of my cats decides to throw up in the hallway, simultaniously the other is busy pooping on the floor in front of the litter box. So, while I am literally mopping sweat off of dh I have to clean the throw up in that hallway and clean the poop off the floor. Dh was as sick as I have ever seen him. I had to try so hard not to cry because I hated seeing him in so much pain. I stayed home with him yesterday and I honestly don't care if my boss thinks I'm crazy for staying home to take care of my husband. My boss is getting his wisdom teeth pulled today and says he is coming in to work afterwards. Sheesh! I did leave my Dh at home today because I didn't want to take any more time off of work but he still had a fever when I left this morning. I am so scared I am going to catch the flu. I slept on the couch and washed everything so hopefully I wont get sick!

On the IF Front: I want to apologize for not commenting as much on your blogs. I still do read them but I just can't find the words right now. I am in that waiting period and I don't even know for sure what we will be doing (as far as IUI v. IVF.) It is in the hands of my insurance company at this point. I just came off of a 2 year break, did one cycle, and then went on another break. So I have nothing to report on the IF front and I find myself not knowing what to say to others as well. I am tired of all the waiting. If we will be doing IVF I wont be able to start until March because I have to wait to be able to cash in my 401k in the end of Feb. I feel like the whole IF world will be moving on without me. Don't get me wrong, I hope all of you do "move on" but at this point I'm just not sure what's going to happen next. I guess this is my feeble attempt to explain why I haven't been around as much as usual. I mean this is an infertility blog right? No one wants to hear about my personal life. But sorry folks, that is all I have to offer at this time. So please bear with me and hang around because I promise that eventually I will have something to report on the IF front.

Taxes: After doing our taxes the other day DH and I realized that we will be getting much more back than usual this time! We wtill have to enter the money we paid on our student loans but so far it looks good. We are wondering how to spend the money now. Obviously, the resposible thing to do would be to put it in savings and use it towards the IVF. But, we need a new TV desperately. Our TV goes back about once an hour and you have to literally bea thte crap out of it to get it to come back on. We really want an HD tv but we are hesitant to spend the $600 plus on it. I don't want people around us who have helped us so much with our yardsales and all to see that we bought a new HDTV. I dont want people to think that we are selfish or anything. The thing is, we have given up so many luxuries to save money for IF treatments. We have not been on a real vacation since our honeymoon, we haven't bought anything for ourselves or the house, we don't even buy new clothes. I wear the same two pairs of pants to work every week and alternate between three shirts because my clothes are starting to fall apart because I wear them and wash them too much. Don't get me wrong, we have money, we just are afraid to spend it on ourselves. I finally broke down and ordered three pairs of pants and two tops online this week. We have money to do these things we are just worried that we will need it for the IVF. As a result we are living well under our means. So, part of me rationalizes that we have every right to treat ourselves to a small luxery. Plus it wont take all of our refund and we can put the rest in the bank. I'm not sure yet what we will do.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. I will be back to post once I think of something to post about.

Thank You

Thank you for all of the kind words.

1. We finally finished our dinner theatre at church. For those of you who didn't know we were doing a dinner theatre called Uncle Phil's Diner. It was a lot fun but I am so glad it is done. If I get brave I may post some pictures (I know I always say I am going to post pictures but I have to remember to load them from my camera.) Now we finally have Sundays mostly free other than obviously going to church.

2. DH completed his schooling and is now a graduate of John's Hopkins University. He is now looking for a job as an Oracle dba. Now he is starting his schooling through the United Methodist Church to become a lay minister.

3. Someone sent me this in an e-mail and I thought it was cute:

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

Proverb 6th Graders Answers
Don't change horses- until they stop running.
Strike while the- bug is close.
It's always darkest before- Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of- termites.
You can lead a horse to water but- How?
Don't bite the hand that- looks dirty. (I love this one!)
No news is- impossible
A miss is as good as a- Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new- Math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll- stink in the morning. (LOL!!)
Love all, trust- Me.
The pen is mightier than the- pigs.
An idle mind is- the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's- pollution.
Happy the bride who- gets all the presents.
A penny saved is- not much. (smart kids)
Two's company, three's- the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what- you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs
with you, cry and- You have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as- Stevie Wonder. (LOL!!)
Children should be seen and not- spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed- get new batteries.
You get out of something only
what you- See in the picture on the box
When the blind lead the blind- get out of the way.
A bird in the hand- is going to poop on you.
Better late than- Pregnant

4. Lastly, I have a friend who has started a blog, go over and check it out. It's called I am NOT in control. Hopefully she doesn't mind that I am advertising her new blog.

Well, I guess that is about it for now. I am reading everyone's blogs and I am pleased that there is so much good news to go around but I am also saddened by the abundance of tragedies. I am keeping all of you in my prayer and I value your support more than you will ever know!

I,m Still Here!

I just wanted to let everyone know I’m not dead. Work has been super busy, the other paralegal I work with has been out all week so I have been even more busy. We are doing a dinner theatre at church this weekend so we have been practicing in the evenings. So needless to say I haven’t had a lot of time to myself to sit down and blog. I wish I could write more but I have a few more things to do before leaving work. I will update when I have more time.

Yummy!!!

I am so excited! Dh and I are having a date night at the Melting Pot tonight! We only go there once a year because it is so expensive but soooo worth it! Thanks for all of the cat poop assvice (he he...get it.) She does not have her butt sticking out of the box, she just flat out poops right outside of it. And, she doesn't seem to think she is doing anything wrong because she doesn't seem scared or anything. I wonder if it matters that her litter box in on carpet? I wonder if I moved it to the laundry room? The thing is we have two cats and two litter boxes. I can't bring myself to yell at her because she is so cute. Thanks for all of the hobby advice. I will definitely check some of them out. I like the idea about doing a scrapbook for my cats, I have tons of pictures of them. I do have a question for those of you that have had cysts. Is it normal to feel sharp pains in my ovaries? Sometimes I get really really sharp pains that take my breath away. I'm scared they are going to grow instead of shrink and burst or something. I am so bloated and it must have something to do with the cysts because af is almost gone. Also, it hurts to cough. If anyone had any insight I'd appreciate it. I don't know how long is normal for my ovaries to hurt when they have cysts and I don't want to go to the doctor for nothing. Well, I guess that is about it for now. I promise I will post pictures of the youth convention we went to on Monday or maybe some time this weekend. I want you all to see how many youth attended. It renews your faith in today's young people when you see just how many showed up to worship our Lord!

New Name & Other Randomness

First, to answer Nicole's question: YES! I do sell Longaberger baskets. You can check out my personal site here.

Second, I am thinking about changing the name of my blog. Not because I don't like the name but because it has the same name as the blog that I keep for family & friends. I think that if someone wanted they could easily find this blog by typing in the same name in Goo*gle. I like the name of my blog but I want this site to be for blogging/IF friends only. So, I am in the process of thinking of a new name.

Thirdly, I need a hobby. I mean, I have a lot of hobbies but none I feel like doing at this time. I love to knit, but I only know how to knit scarves and one can only knit so many scarves! I love to read but I have read all of my books and I don't know what else to read. I love Harry Potter books but I have read them a gazillion times. I also like books by Beverly Lewis. If anyone has any suggestion of any books that you have read I would love to hear them. I also love to scrapbook but I really don't have any desire to do so right now. I love to bake but then I eat what I make and we all know that can't be good. So, I am at a loss for what to do with my free time.

Lastly, why does my cat poop on the floor? We keep her litter box clean and she still poops right outside of the litter box on the floor. I just don't get it!! She has been doing it for about a year now almost every time she goes potty. Luckily she doesn't pee on the floor! Grrrrr!!

Benched

Well, my nurse called and as I suspected they are functional cysts therefore I can obviously not do any stims this month. She told me I don’t need to go on BCPs though. I guess since I don’t ovulate they aren’t worried that they will grow? Anyway, in the meantime I asked her if she could go ahead and start the process for the IVF. She said my RE was already writing a letter to my insurance company as we speak. I think he is offended that they are using a “chart” to instead of trusting his medical recommendations. So, if my insurance gives an all clear looks like my next cycle will be an IVF cycle. In the meantime I am going to try to build back up our savings as much as we can. I am actually pretty excited about taking a short break which is odd considering we just came off of a 2+ year break and only did one cycle of treatments. So I am to wait 30 days for af to show up (which she wont because I don’t ever get her on my own) and then if no af I will go back in for an u/s just to make sure that the cysts have gone away. Then we will go from there. So, while I won’t really be blogging about too many things IF related I will try to come up with some things to blog about. So don’t fear I will still be blogging. Thanks for the comments and like I said before, I hope I didn’t scare anyone away with my craziness!

Cysts

Well, I went for my baseline today and I have one 4cm cyst on each ovary. They did some blood work and they will call me and let me know what to do but I am pretty sure that I will be sitting out this month. This explains the awful pain I have been having lately though. I am feeling much better today and more relaxed, which is off considering I may be benched this cycle. I can’t say it was a total shock though because I knew something was going on in there. I asked God last night for a sign that I was making the right decision to do another IUI cycle and this is what I get, so, does that mean he gave me a sign that I did NOT make the right decision? I have to think about it a little more. I have never had cysts this big so it must have something to do with the Follistim. I’m not even sure what they do for cysts to help them clear up. I am really suprised that I am not too bummed out, I mean I just got off of a 2 year break from ttc but for some reason another small break doesn't sound so bad. I have noticed a drop in the number of comments on my posts so I am hoping that my craziness hasn’t scared everyone away!

Take Two

Well I’m back…again…for the second time today. I think I have made a decision. I want to do one more cycle of IUI/injectables. Just so that I know that I tried my very best. I know I am going against medical advice but it won’t be the first time and probably not the last. I like my doctor and I trust his judgment and I do understand why he wants to move on to IVF. But I just feel like I have to try once more. I’m not really sure how DH feels, he says he agrees with me but I know he is eager to start IVF. I called my RE’s office and spoke to my nurse who said my doctor agreed to do one more FSH cycle. She said that they “changed my protocol from IVF to IUI.” I think they kind of forgot that my insurance company was insisting that I do FSH/IUI first and that I seriously doubt that one cycle would have been enough for them. It’s not like I could have just started an IVF cycle, I would have needed to get a referral. She said that during this cycle they will begin the process of requesting the IVF referral. I really do hope that two cycles of IUI/FSH will be enough for my insurance. I remember when I called that they told me they have a “chart” that they go by that tells them how many cycles of each and in which order have to be done before moving on(which I think is totally insane to begin with.) I do feel like I am being a bother to my doctor but ultimately it is my body and my decision. I did also want to explain (although I don’t know why I feel the need to explain my feelings) why moving on to IVF is so hard for me and why I am always “looking ahead.” I realize that focusing on the here and now is the most healthy way to look at things but when it involves your finances and your way of life it is hard to do that. I have always been a “planner” and I have always thought ahead when making decisions. I have also always been a “worrier.” I feel like I have to prepare myself for the worst and that way it won’t hurt as much when it happens. I’m not saying this is the best way of thinking, I’m just saying that this is how I am. I also look at IVF a lot differently than I used to. Back when we first started all of these IF treatments I wished that we could just move straight to IVF. It seemed like the best option and the one to maximize chances for success. I always thought that if I had to do IVF so what, at least I would be doing the very best and most high-tech procedure. I never really realized how final IVF is until it is here staring me in the face. I suppose if I was wealthy or had wealthy relatives it wouldn’t scare me so much. But, we are just a normal middle class couple who have debts like most people and unfortunately have family who is not in the position to help as much as they would like. So, while I realize I may be “getting ahead of myself” a bit, I have to be realistic about what the very near future may hold for us. I can’t responsibly “see what happens” and then go from there, or “worry about it when it comes” I’m just not that type of person. I think that mostly every woman, when faced with the thought of the end of their journey to have a biological child, have some sort of anxiety or fear. I think it is only normal. I am not saying it is over for us by any means. I am just saying that at this time and place we are only able to do one cycle of IUI/injectables, one IVF, and possibly one FET. It could definitely be all it takes and I hope that it is, but I can’t help but think of the what if’s. If anyone has a suggestion for how not to think about the future then I am all ears. I guess I am trying for some reason to justify my feelings because I had a few people (not anyone on here) today tell me to “stop worrying about what hasn’t happened yet.” I wish I could, I really do. Maybe some people can do that, just “worry about it when it happens” but I am not one of them. I feel like mostly everything I am feeling is totally normal when it comes to someone with IF, but I could be wrong. I also feel that the guilt is normal as well. I can’t help but feel guilty because I am the one with “the problem” and the one that is keeping us from having a family. I know that dh doesn’t feel that way and he loves me no matter what but it doesn’t make the guilt any less. I guess the bottom line is that I have had some people make me feel like crap today, like I was overreacting or worrying for no reason and since I cant possibly tell them how I really feel I decided to come on here and vent. I don’t expect everyone to understand my situation. Someone who doesn’t know what it is like can’t possibly understand but it doesn’t make it any easier to listen to their insensitive comments. How is it appropriate to tell someone that they shouldn’t feel a certain way? Well, I think I have vented enough for one day. I hope I didn’t offend anyone. I’m not saying this is how all women dealing with IF should feel and I’m not putting down people who have the money to do treatment after treatment or saying that if you have money IF is less painful, just putting things in perspective as it relates to my situation. I love reading all of your comments and I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t say what they want to say. I always love advice even if it isn’t what I want to hear. I love to hear what you think I should do or what you did, I just can’t get used to people telling me I shouldn’t be feeling a certain way (again no one on here.)

As far as my treatment plan goes, I go in for my baseline u/s tomorrow (she told me no b/w this time..whooohoo.) As long as there is no cysts I will begin the Follistim 75iu again and go back on Saturday for another u/s & b/w to check the progress. My nurse did sound kind of irritated that I was going against my doctors advice but oh well. I just hope that he puts his full energy into this cycle even though it is not what he wanted to do. I promise all of my entries won’t be this serious as I am really not a serious person, but every now and then I do have some feelings lurking in there somewhere!

Sorry...

Sorry for running off in the middle of a post but I had to leave. Here is what I was trying to say in a disjointed sort of way. My nurse told me that my RE believed that it would be "irresponsible medicine" to continue to do the IUI/Injectables. She said because I have been through 9 treatment cycles total with them with no pregnancy. He believes that my chances for success on the first time with IVF are in the 70% range because I am young..blah..blah. My concern is that out of those nine cycles I only ovulated a handful of times. I guess what I am trying to say is that a normal couple can take up to 12 months to conceive, thats ovulating 12 times. Since I only ovulated about four times total (we did 1 TI and 3 IUIs) thats like only trying for four months. I do understand what he is saying. He said he doesnt think it is fair to put my body through this anymore and that his goal is to get me pregnant, not just to make me ovulate. I knew from the beginning that he was against doing the IUI/injectable cycles anyway but because my insurance insisted he agreed. I honestly don't know whether one cycle will be enough for them to approve the IVF. My way of thinking is that we should do one last cycle of injectables/IUI which I was only planning on doing two of anyway, and while we are finishing this cycle put in the request for the referral for the IVF. It shouldn't take them long because I have had all of the testing. We have just gotten off a 2+ year break and I don't want to take any more time off. I figure we might as well do something proactive while we wait for the referral. But then I think that we could be wasting money that we could be using for an FET if the IVF doesn't work. As it stands now, we have enough money to do one round of IUI, one fresh IVF, and one FET. Honestly, I am scared to move on to IVF. The finality of it all scares me. What if I dont stimulate enough and they cancel the cycle. We wont have enough money to try again. I hate to keep talking about money but the reality of it is that we are not made of money. Both dh and I grew up in families that were not well off. I have over 40k in student loans and dh has about 12k. We have a mortgage, a car payment and various other bills. We cannot refinance our house because the company that bought our mortgage has apparently paid off every other company not to refinance their mortgages and they don't do refinancing. We worked so hard to raise the money for IVF to begin with. We had yard sales where people donated items for us to sell, and we also had a very generous donation from a relative. It just scares me that after all of that we most likely only have enough to do one round of IVF. I'm not even sure how much the meds cost. It is scary to think that we may be approaching the end of the road for us. I am not ready to give up this dream but I feel that if the IVF fails it may be time to give it up, at least for the time being. We would need to spend the next couple of years raising funds again to pay for an adoption only to have to wait a few years for the adoption to go through. I know I'm getting ahead of myself here, but the fact that we may only have one or two more shots to become biological parents scares me. I wish I could do the shared risk, but unfortunately 25k would be impossible to come up with. The bottom line is I cant cash in my 401k until late February so what is the harm of doing one more injectable cycle..right? My RE is supposed to call me himself today, until then, please pray that I will have to wisdom to make the right decision and for me not to focus so much on the finality of it all. Also, please pray that I deal with these feelings of guilt that I am having for not being able to make my sweet dh a daddy. :(

What the hell?

Okay, my nurse just called to tell me my beta was negative. Duh! Then she asked how many cycles of injectables my insurance company wanted us to do before approving IVF. I told her they didn’t give me an exact amount of cycles but they approved me initially for 24 visits so we have enough visits to do another round. I asked her why and she said because maybe we could move on to IVF. I asked her what my RE thought about doing another cycle with the injectables and she said that “it isn’t his preference.” She said he wants to move on to IVF, he wanted to go straight to IVF anyway but only agreed to do the injectables since my insurance company insisted. She said she was going to call my financial coordinator and see how many cycles I need to do before moving on and call me back. I didn’t know what to say so I said okay. The problem is, I’m confused. I understand that the injectable cycle didn’t get me pregnant but I did ovulate which is good. Everything went well with no major setbacks so I cannot understand why my doctor is so eager to move on to IVF. I am just a little concerned about why the rush for moving forward with IVF? We have enough money right now to do another round of injectables but we won’t have the money to do IVF until February when I can cash in my 401k. And even then we will only be able to afford ONE round of IVF, that’s it. We might be able to afford one round and an FET if we got lucky but that would be it. After that there would be no money left for anything. No money left to do any more treatments and no money left to pursue adoption. If DH got a job that had normal insurance then we could do more than one round due to Maryland mandate. But I am upset. I was all gung ho about skipping straight to IVF before but now that the injectable cycle actually made my body do something I am not so sure. I know tons of ladies including many of you with PCOS who conceived using injectable/IUI cycles. So why is my doctor so eager to move on. I realize that I have been on this TTC journey for many years, I realize I have done my full lifetime of Clomid cycles with no success (but I only ovulated a couple of times anyway.) If you look at the years of TTC alone (over five) it does looks as if we are getting to the end of the rope, but two of those years were breaks and most of the cycles were cancelled cycles. I am worried that this is becoming about money. Sure, I would love to do the shared risk but I don’t have $25k just lying around anywhere. My nurse did call back as I began writing this. She said the bottom line is that I did nine treatment cycles with their office total and that even though only a few of them were ovulatory it doesn’t seem like what they have been doing is working. She said my RE really thinks that IVF is the key and thinks the odds that the first try will work for us. That’s all fine and dandy but I am just not so sure. I mean doesn’t it take normal couples sometimes six months to a year to become pregnant? I haven’t even had six ovulatory cycles? She said that the doctor doesn’t think it is responsible medicine to continue doing these cycles with no positive outcome. She is going to have the RE call me tomorrow. I wish I could finish this post but I have to go home now. I will update tomorrow.

I'm back! (CD2)

Obviously you can see from the CD3 that AF decided to show up on Sunday with a vengence. I can honestly say that I have never had a more painful af in my entire life. Of course we were traveling home from Ocean City with a bunch of kids in the car while I was trying to keep from crying because of the pain. When we finally got home I broke down in tears and was actually dry heaving because if the pain. I couldn’t move because it felt like my insides were on fire. The strange thing is I feel okay today. They still made me come in for my beta this morning though. But the good news is I found out we have a $297 credit on our account at the RE’s so we won’t have to pay for the next couple visits. Thank God for small blessings. I had a nice weekend for the most part. The kids were mostly well behaved and we had very few issues. The speaker was good and the music was awesome! I actually had a hotel room all to myself Friday night as the two girls who were supposed to be in my room didn’t come until Saturday. It was so peaceful. All in all I had a good weekend and came back feeling refreshed about several issues in my life including church and even IF. I am not as upset as I thought I would be about this failed cycle because I know that my body finally did something it was supposed to do. I go in tomorrow for my CD3 scan and as long as there is no cysts we will start our second round of injections that night. I am curious as to whether my RE will keep me on the 75iu which needed to be raised to 83 anyway or if he will start me out on the 83. I know every cycle is different though so who knows. I am just happy to be Prometrium free for a while! Also, because DH promised, he is taking me to The Melting Pot on Friday! That’s really all I have to say for now, sorry I don’t have anything more profound to say…maybe later!

13dpIUI= whatever

I couldn't think of a title for this post so there you are. Well, I took another test this morning and another BFN. So, I made a decision I am taking myself off the Prometrium. I can't stand the side effects anymore. I have terrible heartburn 24/7, I have eaten more tums then I have ever had in my life! My face looks like a science experiment with all of the pimples. So I decided to stop taking it. Whats the point? I also ordered Pro*active yesterday. I have been wanting to get it for a while, maybe it will help clear up my face. But, all of this aside, for today at least, I am okay. I realize that this was just once cycle of injectables and that I did reach my "goal." I just wish it wasn't so expensive. I have been thinking about money a lot lately. When we move on to IVF we will only have enough money for one cycle, and that is with insurance paying half. After that we will have absolutely no savings to get another round of IVF or to move on to adoption. I am hoping by then DH will have another job that will cover IVF (which is mandated coverage in Maryland except for HMOs, which my sucky insurance company happens to be.) But, I realize that I can't get stressed about the future quite yet. I do wonder though if af does show up before Monday if I will still have to get the beta. I bet you I will, I mean makes total sense to spend another couple hundred on a pointless blood test, right? I also think that I may have some cysts. That's the only think that can explain the odd cramps I have been having and the fact that every time I move it hurts. Walking gives me dull cramps. So, I wouldn't be surprised if when I go in for my day3 they see some cysts and I have to sit out a cycle.

So, I am all ready to go for my weekend with the youth group. We are going to Rock 2008 if anyone is interested in where we are going. We take the kids every year. It is basically a Christian youth convention with Christian bands and speakers. The band this year is Salvador so it should be pretty good. It is usually a pretty amazing experience and the speakers always have a wonderful message that I can even apply to my life even though it is aimed at youth. So I am looking forward to some much needed prayer time. I spent last night packing and filling my MP3 player with awesome 80's music so I have something to listen to. The only think that sucks is that I have to spend the weekend not sleeping in the same bed with dh. But it is only two nights and I suppose I will live. The convention is in Ocean City and it is usually freezing by the ocean. But the hotel we are staying in has ice skating and an indoor pool so it should keep the kids busy on their free time. I just hope and pray that the kids are well behaved as sometimes they can be royal brats!

Well, that's about it for today. I wish I had more to say but I am exhausted and I feel like I am coming down with a chest cold of some kind. I will be back to posting on Monday and will include some pictures of the weekend if I see anything interesting to take pictures of (most likely NOT my fat self so don't get excited!) Thanks for all the comments, you are the bestest!

Another BFN (12dpIUI)

Well you read right ladies, I took another HPT yesterday morning at 11dpIUI and got another BFN. I'm okay with it, I know its still early but something tells me that this cycle wasn't the one. Call it intuition, whatever you want to call it, I just have that feeling. So after my negative HPT I decided to stay home from work and have a relaxing day. My relaxing turned out to be quite boring actually. I was planning on staying home and lounging around and reading or playing or the computer. I played on the computer in the morning but became bored, so then I read for a couple of hours and got bored of that too. So I ended up doing laundry and cleaning the house, not my idea of a relaxing day off! Also, for some reason everything I try to cook lately hasn't turned out right. It started with a cheesecake I made last Tuesday. Now, I am a pro at cheesecakes and my MIL always tells me I make the best cheesecake she has ever tasted (that's pretty good coming from MIL who I call Betty Crocker.) For some reason the cheesecake I made on Thursday turned out horrible. The Brownie on the bottom was too hard and it just didn't taste as good. I made it the exact same way I always do. Then last night I made a broccoli and cheese ring on my pizza stone. Once again, I made it the same way I always do but it still didn't taste right. Then I made a cherry pie for dessert and even though the crumb topping browned nicely when I cut into it the pastry on the bottom was not cooked. I don't know if there is something going on with my oven or what? So, I am hoping it is a fluke and that everything I cook from now on won't be either overcooked or undercooked.

Anyway, once again I want to apologize if I offended anyone with the parking space post the other day. Like I said, don't put too much stock into what I say as I am an infertile woman hopped up on hormones. I never promise that the things that I say are going to be rational. I do have one more thing to add to the list of annoyances though. This morning I was walking into the cafe in the bottom of our building to get breakfast and there was a lady walking a couple feet behind me. So, I opened the door stepped in and held the door for her. She immediately walked in front of me and got in line. I mean, am I just insane or is it rude to bypass someone who was there before you who waited for you and held the door for you? Then she took forever deciding what to order! But, its all good because I had a chuckle when I noticed the had a sticker stuck to her butt!

I also forgot to take my morning dose of the po*ochie pill (Prometrium.) By the time I remembered I decided to just skip it and do my evening dose. About 5:00 until bedtime I had very intense cramps like AF was coming. This just convinces me more that I am not pregnant and that the Prometrium is what is keeping AF from arriving. I figure my body was reacting to the drop off of the hormone and I bet you anything that if I didn't do my dose today that AF would have showed up shortly. I will test one more time tomorrow morning as I am going out of town with a bunch of our youth group kids to a youth convention and I want to know how much of a bi*tch I need to be to them. I will also test Monday the day of my beta. That way there will be no surprise when the call comes in. At least I wont have to worry about getting AF while away for the weekend as I have never gotten AF while still taking the Prometrium. So, I am almost positive that this cycle is a bust but hey, I met my goal of ovulating and that is a start...right?

Lastly, I love all of your comments!!! Keep them coming! I am in the process of trying to organize my list on the side of my blog so if I have you in the wrong category or if I haven't added you yet I will try to do it soon. It's kinda hard when I am supposed to be working!

Pee Sticks and Parking Spots (10dpIUI)

Wondering about the title huh? I will start todays entry with a list of things that annoy me:

1) Having to answer the same question several times to several people. Dh had to pick me up from work yesterday because my fil who is my ride is out of town. So at 5:00 instead of leaving with the other paralegals and waiting in the lobby with nothing to do (because dh usually can't make it here until 5:15 or so) I decided to stay in my office and wait so I could surf the internet. I swear, every single person that walked past me asked me why I wasn't leaving. Now I know logically they were obviously curious because I always leave at 5 but it got really annoying to have to explain over and over again that fil was out of town and dh was picking me up.

2) Elevator stupidity! I work on the 25th floor so every day I see some odd elevator behavior on my ride down.
a) If the floor you are going to is already highlighted you don't need to push the button again. It doesn't make the doors shut faster and it isn't going to get you there any sooner.
b) holding the door close button while going down is not going to make the elevator not stop at any other floors. This never works but I see people do it every day. Plus, if it did work, what makes you so special that you feel that everyone on the lower floors shouldn't get onto the elevator but that you should be carried directly to your destination without interruption?
c) Holding the door for someone who is clearly not ready to get on thereby holding up everyone on the elevator. If they are not there and waiting or a couple steps away then you should not be holding the door for them.

3) Parking spots that say "Reserved for Pregnant Women or Families with Infants" I mean seriously, maybe this is just the infertile in me talking but why does a pregnant woman need a special parking spot? Pregnancy is not a crippling disease. I just feel like if you really have a need to park close then get a temporary handicap tag from your doctor. Dh and I parked in one of those spots last night and I felt damn good about it. I felt like somehow I was conquoring the fertile world! Sorry if I offended any of you here but just remember that I am a bitter infertile and may be slightly insane so dont take offense too much.

4) Did you know that apparently they no longer sell HPTs in grocery stores? Addmitedly it has been a looong time since I have taken one but I always used to get them at the grocery store. We went to three grocery stores in our area and none of them carry HPTs. They carry diapers, hemmeriod cream, pads, and vagisil, but no HPTs.

5) The places that do sell HPTs put them out in the open for all to see. Now, I am 27 years old and DH is 29, we have been married for five years, and have been TTC for five years but for some reason I am still embarrased to buy an HPT. I mean, since my whole small town knows exactly what part of our cycle we are on (I will get to that later) it would be nice if we could at least keep my pee stick addiction a secret. Sure enough, as I browsing the pee stick selection we did see someone we know.

6) People that giggle when you ask if they sell pregnancy tests. Seriously, this really did happen. DH and I went to the customer service counter at the third grocery store we tried because I thought maybe they changed the way HPTs looked since I have last used them and I was just missing them, or maybe they are in the cat food isle now or something. We asked the young girl behind the counter if they sold HPTs and she said no. As we were walking away the girl behind the counter and the woman waiting at the counter started giggling. What is so funny about two married adults looking for HPTs?

7) And the last thing that annoys me...negative HPTs. Yes you read it. DH talked me into taking a test LAST NIGHT. It was negative. I know its too early and I didn't even use FMU but whatever. I got it out of my system and now I am ready to wait until Thursday or Friday before
I take another.

So, there you have it, my list of annoying things. Feel free to add to it or make your own list. It's quite liberating actually. After my negative last night even though I knew that it was too early and I didn't use FMU I was still a little bummed. DH had to remind me of what my initial goal for this cycle was, to ovulate, which is not an easy feat for me. I know what I said my initial goal was but obviously I want to be pregnant too! These cycles aren't cheap and I am worried that we will depleat all of our savings right now and not be able to do IVF. But dh told me that if we got a negative that he would take me to the Melting Pot. Yay! I love that place. That makes me feel a little better. I have also made the decision that next cycle we will not be quite as open about exactly where we are in our cycle with everyone I know in my real life. While I am still the advocate for being open about infertility and raising public awareness I also think that people in my life are too involved. They now ask about every aspect, exactly where we are, when we are testing. So if I get a negative I am going to have to answer a million questions and if we get a positive there will be no hiding it. So, next cycle I am going to say yes, we are doing another cycle but that we would like to keep it a bit more private this time and we will let everyone know when we are ready. I hope no one thinks that I am backing out of my previous statements. I still believe 110% that we should be honest and open about infertility (if you feel comfortable doing so) and let everyone know that this is a real thing that happens to millions of couples and it shoulden't be regarded as a dirty little secret. I am not ashamed of the fact that I have PCOS and that I need medical assistance to get pregnant. Honestly, I tell everyone that asks. Why? Because most people have never heard of PCOS even though millions of women have it and don't even know it. BUT, I don't think that everyone in my home town needs to know the results of my latest u/s and exactly when we get our IUI. It's like telling your home town when you will be having s*ex. So lets hope no one I know has found this blog!!

I think I have bored you enough. I don't know why my posts are so long lately, I apologize. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for all of your comments and words of wisdom. I have decided not to go to the shower and to give my friend and her husband their gift in private. You all are the best! I am so gald I found a place to put all of my crazy thoughts!

I HATE the tww! (9dpiui)

And the obsession begins! I forgot what it felt like to be in the tww. I really don't miss this part of TTC at all! The thing is it has been so long since I got an IUI that I don't remember what my 2ww was like and this is my first 2ww after an injectable cycle so it could be totally different. For example, I have had some odd cramps since about 6 dpo. They don't happen all of the time, just every once in a while. I don't remember if this is something that happened in my tww before or not since it has been so long since I ovulated. I have been extremely emotional and crying a lot. I also don't remember if that is normal for me post o or not. The bottom line is that there are no "for sure" symtoms this early. Even though I know this logically it is still hard not to get my hopes up when I get these unusual cramps or twinges. I told myself, and probably all of you as well, that I would consider this cycle a success if I ovulated, that was my only goal. But, after a couple of thousad dollars later and actually achieving that covented "O" that is so rare for me I can't help but want more. Perhaps I am being greedy, and I am most definitly setting myself up for heartache. Being in the tww and getting eager to test brings back all of those old emotions that I remember so well with my other ovulatory cycles. I remember so well that eagerness to test and then that utter dispair when I saw the negative. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate negative HPTs! I hate them worse than AF showing up. However, with all of this being said I am trying to hold off as long as possible to test but I just don't know. I am feeling the urge to POAS soon and I don't know if any of you will be able to "talk me down from the ledge." My original plan was to begin testing on 10dpiui, again at 12dpiui and one last time at 14dpiui the morning of my beta. However, now that 10dpiui is tomorrow I am getting scared. I am feeling more positive about this cycle than I have about any other cycle (remember it has been a long while since I have even ovulated so I am going by what I remember.) Part of me thinks that it may be because this is a whole new treatment for me and that is why I am so "hopeful" and part of my thinks that maybe, just maybe I could be right. I'm not saying I "feel" pregnant or anything, I've never been pregnant in my whole life so I have no idea how it feels. What I'm saying is that I am unusually hopeful this cycle. I really wish I knew what it felt like to get a "normal" af so I would know whether I would normally get cramps this early before af. But, they are not constant cramps, just cramps I get a couple of times a day briefly, sort of like af cramps but they don't linger. Anyway, I know I definitely know I want to test before the weekend because we are leaving to take our youthgroup kids on a weekend retreat and I would like to test before then. My beta is on Monday which will actually put me at 16dpiui (not sure why they want me to wait until Monday anyway.) So, if you think you can talk me out of testing tomorrow morning go ahead and try, maybe it will work.

The other reason I want to test early will be the second part of my post. I have a friend who is having a baby shower on January 20th. Now, since we began this whole IF process I have managed to avoid baby showers with no problem. However, most of the baby showers I was invited to were either for people I was not terribly close with or people who had been very insensitive to my IF situation so I didn’t feel bad in declining. This friend however, while I don’t know if I would count her as a “close friend” had been nothing but supportive and understanding of this whole process. She called me herself to let me know that she was pregnant and was very sincere in saying that she didn’t want to hurt me. She always asks questions and is always checking up on us. She is much closer with my dh because they used to work together. He and her dh have been over to our house for dinner and we have gone out together. Anyway, I got an invitation to her baby shower which will be on January 20th. The RSVP date is January 10th. Now, there are a couple of reasons why I would not want to go to the baby shower. 1) I don’t know any of her friends. I wouldn’t know anyone there except for her and it would make it very awkward. 2) Which is the most obvious reason; if I get a BFN I definitely will not be wanting to go to a baby shower. There is however one reason why I would like to go; she has been so supportive and understanding and I don’t want to hurt her feelings by not attending. While I am okay with seeing her pregnant (it seems to only be those who I deem “unworthy” whose pregnant bellies bother me) I am not sure I will be okay with a bunch of women I don’t know oogling and googling over baby stuff and talking about pregnancy. Plus I might have to field the “dreaded question.” The invitation didn’t say that it was a surprise. If I was sure it wasn’t a surprise I might call and talk to her and tell her that I cannot attend the shower but would like to get together with her to give her my gift but I don’t want to ruin the surprise if it is a surprise. I mean, they would put surprise on the shower invite if it was a surprise right? I feel like maybe if I get a BFP I will feel comfortable enough to go but I don’t know even then. It seems to me that when/if I ever do get pregnant all of these IF feelings are not going to go away overnight. I don’t know, I have to think about it a little more but I am leaning towards not going. I hate to feel like this however I don’t feel like my feeling are wrong because I am not jealous of her or mad that she is pregnant, just trying to protect my own heart. I know all of you know exactly what I mean.

I will keep all of you updated. I can’t promise I wont cave and POAS tomorrow morning even though I know it might be too early but either way I am hoping and praying that at the end of this cycle that I will be able to accept God’s will for me and move forward on to the next cycle. Please keep the comments coming, they really mean a lot to me. I do try to comment on your blogs as well. Gotta go, I’m at work and I have a killer headache!

Happy New Year!! (4dpIUI)

I hope everyone had a wonderful new year and I hope this year makes all of our dreams come true!

Well, I am officially 4 dpo (or something like that) although I really felt O pains on the left side the day before my IUI (Friday) and I never did feel any O pains on the right side but who knows. I woke up the morning of the IUI extremely uncomfortable. I was bloated and my ovaries hurt! The IUI itself went well and was painless and quick. DH had a post wash count of 15 million which the doctor said was good. We went shopping for a little bit after the IUI but I was so uncomfortable that it hurt to walk so I came home and laid down for a bit. By Sunday the pain in my ovaries was gone for the most part although it still hurts to cough. The worst part of the 2ww waiting for me (besides the waiting obviously) is going to be the progesterone suppositories. I HATE these things! They make me feel so bloated, irritable, uncomfortable and for some reason they seem to be making my acid reflux 10 times worse. I can't eat anything without having horrible heartburn and stomach upset! I am so bloated that the button on my pants broke this morning. Man do I wish I could wear sweatpants to work! Other than the above, I don't really have any symptoms to report although it is too early for symptoms anyway.

Now that I got that out of the way, let me reflect on the new year. I HATE new years! I never liked it, but I especially don't like it now. I can honestly say that the past two or three years have been the most difficult years of my life. Not only dealing with the IF (which has been 5 years anyway) but because in the past two years alone I have lost so many people I love. In January 2006 I lost my boss to a tragic death. She was not only my boss but my mentor and a wonderful friend. Her death affected me worse than any other death I have ever experienced. I suppose because she was so young (37) and it was so unexpected. Then in March 2006 my father passed away from a stroke. I always had a strained relationship with my father and absolutely hated his new wife but his death was hard. These two deaths so close together along with all of the other stresses in my life caused me to begin having anxiety attacks. It was awful. In 2007 I switched jobs because my previous job was never the same since I lost my boss. I was not happy with the attorney that took her place. On top of all of these things that happened DH and I struggled to save money for future IF treatments which was the reason we had a 2 year lapse in treatment. I also had to endure several "unexpected" pregnancies being announced around me (all from those who were unmarried and younger than me.) We also watched several of our friends get married and have children all in the past two years. So needless to say we have been left in the dust so to speak. All of our friends that are couples now have children or are expecting and have felt the need to withdraw themselves from our lives. So, it has not been a good couple of years. Therefore, I say screw you to 2007 and hope that 2008 will be a better year. I am sure that every woman who has dealt with some type of infertility can agree that the new year can be a difficult time. I have gotten past the point where I declare that this year is the year. Now I know better than to assume that somehow things will be different then they have all of the years before. So this way of thinking, along with the fact that I have an overload of hormones raging through my body set the stage for a mini-meltdown about 9:00 p.m. on new years eve. We were supposed to go bowling with a couple from church and several of their friends. At 9:00 I decided that it wasn't good idea to spend the evening with a bunch of young couples and their children. I mean, can you blame me? So I bailed out. I think DH may have been a bit disappointed but oh well. I told him he could still go but the smart man didn't want to leave me alone on new years (and we all know if he did decide to go and left me alone there would be hell to pay.) So, we spent new years on the couch watching episodes of paranormal state which I found mildly entertaining. We did change the channel quickly just in time to catch the ball dropping. All in all, I am more than glad that 2007 is gone.

Now, with all of the bad things that have happened in the past year there are several things I am thankful for which I feel obligated to list lest you think I am completely insane.
1) I have met all of you. I cant begin to tell you what a blessing it is to have found a community of women who understand exactly what I am going through. It has been such a blessing. I enjoy reading your blogs and find joy in the fact that so many of you have achieved success. I find hope in the fact that it has worked for so many of you. I love reading your comments and receiving your support so please keep them coming!
2) (I'm going off on a religious tangent here so feel free to skip if you don't want to read) My faith in God has grown tremendously during this whole IF experience. You would think IF would cause me to lose faith in God but it has only made my faith stronger. When we first started this whole thing I was so used to simply working for what I wanted and getting it. Don't get me wrong, things never came easy but I always knew what I had to do to achieve my goals and it was always in my control. I quickly realized that the IF is totally out of my control. I am doing what I can but ultimately it is in God's hands. What a beautiful blessing it is to learn (the hard way) the meaning or true faith. To believe in something that has yet to happen. To know God's love when you truly need it the most. This is the most precious blessing that I have received throughout this whole process and through the loss of my father and friend. What an amazing thing to know that when you can't bear it any more, when you can't do it alone, there is someone there who can carry you.

There are obviously many more things that I am thankful for but I don't want to lose your interest so I will stop here. Don't expect too many sappy posts from me. I am not a sappy person and I am hopped up on hormones (that's my story and I'm stickin to it.) Anyway, I think you have endured enough, if you actually stuck around and read this whole post good for you!