"A Winner Either Way"

First, thank you all for the kind words regarding Dh’s grandfather. When we arrived at the hospital last night Dh’s GP was in really good spirits. He looked pretty good except for being thin and a little yellow. He was still his old self and still joking and smiling. Then the doctor came in and talked to us and I am glad he did because Dh’s grandparents are not very honest with us about his medical condition. The bottom line is that his lymphoma is back and his body is attacking itself. His platelets are supposed to be somewhere around 20,000 (I think that is what he said) and they are at 500. So basically we have to be careful how we touch him because we can cause him to bleed under his skin if he is not careful. The doctor explained that he wanted to move him to critical care to make sure that we make him comfortable for what time he has left. He asked Dh’s GP if he wanted to be intubated if he stopped breathing on his own and he said no. The doctor recommended that he not be intubated anyway because it would just cause further bleeding. The doctor gave us the impression that he maybe has a few days if that. Dh’s GP is still in good spirits and totally conscious of what is going on. He can still stand and sit and even gave Dh’s GM a kiss last night. He told us that he doesn’t want to suffer anymore and he said something to all of us that will stick with me for the rest of my life, he said, either way, if he lives or dies he is a winner. He has an amazing faith in God and knows exactly where he will be going to spend his eternity. I am so truly blessed to have known him in my lifetime. I know the next couple of weeks will be hard for our family. I think hearing him speak and seeing how gracefully he is handling his own mortality has changed me in ways I can’t even begin to describe. I think it will help me deal with the IVF and all the stress that comes along with it. The family will be coming in from out of town over the next couple of days to visit. Although sometimes I can’t help but think that some of them are in denial about what is happening. I e-mailed some of the cousins to remind them that they really should come see him tonight if possible because we really don’t know how much longer it will be. One of them said something like, “I hope he gets better soon.” Now, I’m all for hope and I do believe in miracles but I am also not a person to ignore reality or to live in a fantasy world. I’m sorry to say that if something happens to him and they don’t get the chance to say their goodbyes they will regret it. I do know that I am happy that I got to spend the last few hours of my father’s life with him even if he wasn’t couscous. I will never forget what a blessing it was to get a chance to tell him the things I never got to say while he was alive. But, there is nothing I can do in that respect. We are headed back up to the hospital tonight to see him.

On the IF front, I ordered my meds yesterday and they should be in on Friday. I am so excited to get started! I have been having some AF like cramps since the mock transfer but I am supposing that is normal. Sometimes I really feel like she is coming! I guess it is from the poking and prodding on my cervix or perhaps from the water that was put into my uterus. I really can’t wait until we start the Lupron just so I feel like we are doing something! It seems these last few weeks have been going by so slow!

Also, Dh planned a birthday weekend for me in Gettysburg. We are actually going to do it the weekend of April 11th though (my birthday isn’t until May 13th ) because I want to stay at the Cashtown Inn and that is the only weekend they had left. The room we are staying in is beautiful (the Pender Suite.) I love Gettysburg and the history behind it all and I am so excited to stay there again! Plus the Cashtown Inn is supposed to be haunted and will actually be featured on Ghost Hunters (my favorite show) next Wednesday! So excited! Poor Dh, he probably wont sleep a wink! I hope the weather is nice that weekend. I don’t know where we will be as far as starting our stims and I know my RE wants to see me every day so hopefully that won’t interfere with our weekend but we will figure it out somehow. If worst comes to worst we could always just drive all the way down, see the RE and drive back but that would be a heck of a drive! I’m not going to stress about it now though, I’m sure it will all work out just fine.

Well, that’s about all I have for now..I’m off to the hospital in a few for another emotionally draining night. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers.