Hello there! Sorry I have been MIA for a while. I mean, I haven’t really had a lot to say and my internet connection at work has been screwy. I guess I really don’t have much to write about. It took me two hours to make the usual half hour trip home from work yesterday which was not fun at all! Luckily I had enough sense to use the bathroom before I left.
Anyway, the good news is that I am planning a 30th birthday party for DH. We have decided to do it at the church fellowship hall and we will have a DJ too! The theme will be 1970s. It should be fun and I am already having a lot of fun planning it. If anyone has any suggestions for the party I am all ears.
I wonder if it is normal for a woman who is going through infertility to lose most of her female friends. What I mean is; I don’t really have any close female friends anymore. I love my DH and he is by far my best friend. I love doing things with him and I love spending time with him. But, I am craving female companionship. I don’t have any close friends who can truly relate to my situation. I have stopped talking to all of my friends from high school because we are not in the same place in our lives. Half of them are unmarried and living the single life hard core which includes sleeping around with everything in site. The other half of them is married and have a couple of kids. I realize that people aren’t always in the same situation in their lives as their friends but it makes it very hard to find things to talk about when you have absolutely nothing in common. My 10 year high school reunion is coming up and I am definitely not going. I find myself looking at the myspace pages of all of those people I went to high school with and it makes me sad. Its not that I don’t appreciate what I have it’s just that I can’t help but look at what other people have and think that they have done better than me. I know that is an awful thing to say and no Christian at all but it’s sometimes how I feel. I see that they live in a bigger house than me, they have more money than me, the have kids, etc. I know it is awful to feel this way and I am by no means saying that I don’t appreciate what I have. I know that I have been blessed with such a wonderful husband and that he is the most important thing. It just seems like sometime infertility permeates every part of your life, even parts you didn’t think it would affect. Besides the obvious such as the fact that we completely maxed out our credit cards and spent our savings on countless rounds of Clomid cycles and pre-IF testing, besides the fact that we had to buy a “modular” home because we didn’t want to have too high of a house payment so we could save money for the IVF. Don’t get me wrong, our house is very nice, brand new and definitely enough room but it is not the same. We don’t own the land, only the house. The not so obvious things that have been affected by the IF is the fact that I no longer enjoy scrapbooking. I have a huge collection on scrapbooking items and a half finished scrapbook. The problem is, I have nothing to scrapbook about. I began making a scrapbook of me & DH when we got married so that I could show it to our children. It begins with the picture from our first date all the way until our wedding and then stops because there is nothing else to scrapbook about. I don’t know about you but a scrapbook full of headings like “Here is Shawn and I waiting in the waiting room at the fertility clinic” or “Here is Shawn and I on Christmas where we got the news of yet another “accidental” teenage pregnancy” or “Here is me with all of the extra weight I have gained because of the fertility treatments” just don’t sound too appealing. Anyway, the point I was trying to make at the beginning of all of this before I went off on a tangent is that I don’t have any female friends to talk to. I don’t have anyone who can relate to my situation, someone I can have lunch with without fear of having nothing to talk about. DH and I made friends with another couple and we enjoyed doing stuff together for a while. Then they became pregnant and disappeared off the face of the earth. It was almost like they were afraid to be around us, too afraid to hurt our feelings. Now every time we ask them to do something they make excuses. We haven’t seen them since they found out they were pregnant. So, I guess to make a long story short I am so glad that I have found all of you to share my feelings with.
Lastly, I got a letter in the mail from my RE’s office with the details for the IVF cycle including the amount of the deposit and all, but it didn’t come out and say whether the referral was approved or not. So I called my financial coordinator this morning and left a message. I am hoping that this means that Kaiser approved my IVF referral. Keep your fingers crossed!
Again, sorry that my posts are always so disjointed, I have a lot to say but sometimes it doesn’t always flow together so, I just slap it on the page. I will update when I hear something from my RE’s office.
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6 comments:
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you got approval. I'm so sorry that things are still difficult with your brother.
I know what you mean about old friends. Half of mine are single and don't want marriage or kids for a long time and the other half are married with two kids. That's why I love all my blogging friends.
Have fun planning DH's b-day!
I am sending good thught for that referral. I KNOW exactly want you mean about If and female companionship- and i say YES!! I think it is a normal scenario. I too lost most of my female friends - or atleast didn't talk to them much nor did/do anything with them. I think it's the running from assvice and being afraid of being in a situation that we do not or can not deal with. We retreat.
These posts are not disjointed it all - it all relates (well atleast for me it does)
we can't afford a down payment on a home because we are in debt from school and fertility treatments - I think that is a pretty common bond we all have - sending you good and warm thoughts
I think the majority of infertiles gradually cull the friends they see on a regular basis. I don't think this is anything unnatural, it's one of the few methods we have of protecting ourselves, and honestly, that's what we need to do when we're under such stress for so long.
PS: If this were cancer instead of infertility, would you be so hard on yourself?
Mo, this post said it all. I can relate to many things you were talking about. Especially the part about friends not being a part of your life anymore. It's frustrating that IF affects everything. DH and are were very fortunate to be in a VERY secure financial situation before we started IVF. We don't have any payments except the house, and we actually had the $20K in savings for IVF. But believe me, we've paid in other ways. We feel isolated also. All our friends either have kids or are single. Not too much in common. Anyway, I just wanted to say I know how you feel. It does get better and it will be worth it. Maybe we will be cycle buddies!
We're all in debt chasing the dream honey. And I know what you mean by missing your female friends. You blogging women are all I've got. I don't know how far Jessup is from Northern VA/Dulles but maybe we can hang out at Lucky Strike the bowling alley in DC sometimes.
Oh and the 70's party. Have a bar of the afro wigs, shades, and loud shirts in case anyone needs help dressing up. Use funky colors too!
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