It just hit me today…

…how close we are to beginning this process, and honestly, I’m scared to death. I think I have been fine for the most part up until now, but as it gets closer the more emotional I get. I so want this to be it for us. I can’t help but think about how we only have enough money for one, maybe two cycles and that’s it for now. I can’t help but think about how this is the last shot. If this doesn’t work there is no other option for us. I have so many things running through my mind at one time. I don’t know how I am going to survive the stress of the IVF cycle let alone more than one. I know I will find the strength though. So many times throughout this IF journey I was sure there was no way I would get through it, and somehow I did. I can’t help but think how unfair it is that some of us have to go through such heartache to have a baby. We have been TAB for so long that I could ignore all of those old feelings that IF brought about. But now that we are starting again they are all coming back. I am so worried that my PCOS is going to complicate things and cause cancelled cycles. What if they still can’t get me to stimulate? I know these are all normal feelings but sometimes it seems like I am all alone. I know my friends and family have been so supportive but deep down inside I can’t help but wonder whether they really understand. Do they really know the deep emotional pain the IF causes? Do they know what it does to your self esteem, especially when you add PCOS to the mix? Do they really understand what it is like to not be able to do what so many other women do so easily? Shawn and I have very few friends to begin with. When we got married we grew apart from our single friends. But now it’s hard to make friends our age because they move on to have children and it seems that they pull away. I’m not sure why, maybe because they don’t feel like they have anything in common with us, or maybe because being around us makes them feel like they are making us uncomfortable. So, here I am feeling all alone like no one understands how I am feeling. I know that is not true. I know that unfortunately there are many other couples going through what we are going through. I am still waiting for my GYN to answer my e-mail about clearing me for the IVF due to my medications. I’m starting to wonder if she ever got the e-mail and I think I will call her today. Thanks for reading my blah blog today, I promise, it wont always be this depressing!