Insurance Woes..

So, my insurance company denied my referral for IVF. I think in the end it was a big misunderstanding but still, it is another road block. My GYN is very confused about the whole referral for IVF process. I think she was supposed to put in a referral for me to simply go to Shady Grove (because the one I had previously ran out) and then Shady Grove was supposed to request the referral for the IVF. The denial letter said that IVF was not medically necessary. You’re kidding right? I have been TTC for 5 years, and you tell me IVF is not medically necessary! It said that the next step would be IUI with injectables. Now this makes me mad. They must have some chart that they look off of to tell them the “steps.” Not everyone fits neatly into this little “chart” of how things are supposed to go. Because of my PCOS my RE (who is the expert) said that IVF would be my greatest chance for conception while avoiding a good chance of several cancelled cycles due to too many follicles with IUI. I don’t want to have a litter after all. But, in the end, I think because my GYN put in the referral for IVF instead of the RE that is really the problem. So, I called my GYN back and left a message asking her to please simply put a referral in for me to go to Shady Grove and then they will request the IVF referral. So this will be the THIRD time I am putting in this darn referral. If you ever even think of getting Kaiser insurance, DON’T! They have been nothing but trouble the whole time we have had them.

But anyway, before I calmed down and realized that this is probably all just a mix up I had a bit of an emotional breakdown on Friday night after receiving the denial letter. First, I was upset that my GYN did not call me to tell me the referral was denied. She always gets the denial first (I should know as I have been through it plenty of times) and she should have called. I realize she is not used to all this high tech fertility stuff but she is still my doctor. Second, it was like in an instant, while holding that denial letter in my hand (which I promptly ripped up in a fit of rage) all those old feelings came crashing back to me. If you are dealing with IF or ever have you know exactly what I mean. All of those feelings that come along with the pain of IF. The feeling of inadequacy, loneliness, hopelessness, and the worst of all jealousy. Jealousy is the hardest feeling for me to deal with because I am not normally a jealous person, it is also the most harming. You know the feeling, why did so and so get to have a baby when she wasn’t even ready for one and here I am, married, with a steady job and a house and no baby. I haven’t had these feelings in so long. While I sat on the couch and balled my eyes out I had one of those moments where I looked at my husband who was at a loss for words as to what to do to make me feel better I realized that I am the reason he is not a daddy. Then I began to hate this thing called PCOS that makes me feel less like a woman in so many ways. What did I do to deserve to be born with this horrible monster living inside of me? I haven’t had a moment in so long where I had sort of a faith crisis. I just called out to God in the most desperate moment of pain and asked myself, if there is a God, where is
He now? Why is He allowing us to go through this horrible isolating experience? But then it dawned on me, why not? What makes us so special? What about all of those other couples out there who are going through the same thing? They don’t “deserve” it either. But I still don’t understand why God allows people to conceive when they don’t appreciate what they have. Those women who don’t take care of their children or the ones who dump their babies in dumpsters. What makes them so easily able to conceive? I’m not sure if God “chose” me to go through all of this or He just “let” it happen, but I sure would like to know why. What purpose is supposed to come out of all the pain and suffering? I guess I will never really understand it. So here I am, waiting AGAIN for a third referral hoping and praying that the waiting will finally be over.