Yay!

All is clear with the blood work and I am starting the Prometrium tomorrow night (the pharmacy is closes at 5 today.) My nurse confirmed that I would be doing the Follistim Pen. Looks like a complicated little bugger! She said she is going to call in my prescription for it because the pharmacy might need to order it. Bet you it's not going to be cheap! So, all of you that are hoping that AF won't show up for you, you can send her my way! Well, I'm outta here for the weekend. Hope all is going well with everyone. Happy Friday!

Pre-Cycle Re Appt.

Our appointment was at 7:15 a.m. We actually arrived a few minutes late and were surprised to find that there we a lot of people in the office for that time in the morning. They called me back for blood work and the lady drawing the blood actually remembered me. In case I haven’t mentioned it before I have very small veins which make it very hard to draw blood. Usually it becomes quite painful because they have to try in several different locations before they find a vein. Usually they end up taking it from the top of my hand or the middle of my arm (both not so pleasant places.) So, when I walked in the lab technician laughed and said “I remember you!” She already knew to get out the butterfly needle. She was actually able to draw blood on the first stick and we were both very pleased. Then they told me that my doctor wanted an u/s done. I asked why they would do an ultrasound before I even start my cycle and she said to make sure that I don’t have any follicles developing and to make sure that my lining is think enough to bring on af. So off to exam room one I went, after stopping by and grabbing DH who reluctantly put aside the latest issue of some sports magazine. A female doctor actually did my u/s today and she was very nice. My lining is 8mm. She said it is thick enough to bring on af but it will not be a heavy one (oh darn!) Then she moved on to my ovaries and said “there’s the polycystic ovaries.” I swear, I must be the poster child for PCOS or something. I have several small follicles on both ovaries but none larger than 10mm which is good. Then we went back to the consultation room and spoke with one of the other nurses. She gave me a prescription for Prometrium instead of Provera. She said my RE prefers to use the Prometrium instead. She said I can start taking it tonight once I get my blood work results from the nurse who will call me later today. She said I will take two capsules before bedtime for seven days or until af shows up. If af shows up before the seven days to stop taking them and set up my day 3 scan. I then asked about the injectables because I still haven’t been told which medications I will be taking. She looked at my treatment plan and said it looks like they have me down for the Follistim Pen. She asked if I needed to take the injection class again and I told her no but I’m not sure how to use the pen. She said when I come in for my day 3 they can give me a DVD to watch on how to use the pen. Of course I am going to confirm all of this with my nurse when she calls me today. So, for now it looks like I will be starting the Prometrium tonight. Hopefully af will come quickly so we can begin! I will update when I get my blood results.

Finally!!

Well, it looks like things are finally in motion! My RE gave the okay to do FSH/IUI. He wants me to do a “no menses work-up” which is essentially a blood pregnancy test (ha ha) and a test to determine if I ovulated (again..ha ha.) I will get that blood test tomorrow morning at 7:15. They also told me the doctor may do an ultrasound tomorrow although I’m not sure why he would do this. I’m on CD 30 or 40 something right now. They will call me with the test results tomorrow afternoon and if all is a go (which it will be because a.) I am not pregnant, and b.) I have never ovulated in my life) then I will take the Provera to bring on AF. I will call them on CD1 to schedule my CD3 scan and blood work. I am assuming when I go in for my CD3 they will give me my script for the FSH. Does anyone know if that is the case? Also, does anyone know whether I would inject the FSH with a regular needle or the pen? Obviously I forgot to ask these questions because I was expecting to do IVF but I will ask when I go in tomorrow. So, now we just wait for AF to show up. I usually take 2 Provera every night for 5 days and AF usually comes within 5 days after stopping the Provera. So hopefully within the next two weeks we will finally get to start! I am actually kind of glad we wont be starting until mid December because the last thing we need for a Christmas present is a negative beta or to be worrying about whether or not I am pregnant.

I also rearranged my blog links on the side into categories so that people who are reading my blog and looking for other blogs to read know before they open a blog if that person is pregnant. That way I don’t upset anyone. Hopefully no one minds that I put them into a “category.” I follow everyone’s blog no matter what stage of the process you are in but there are other who may not be ready. I love reading success stories because it gives me hope for myself. So, if you have been lurking and haven’t commented yet be sure to leave a comment so that I can add your blog to my list and keep up with your progress. I love reading your comments and it lets me know that someone is reading my crazy ramblings. Also, if I put you in the wrong “category” for some reason let me know. I found a nifty way to follow updates on people’s blogs, the website is called Bloglines. It keeps track of all of the blogs that you “subscribe” to. It is much easier than having to visit tons of pages every day. Everyone else probably knew about this and I am probably a little behind the game but the whole blogging thing is still fairly new to me.

That’s it for now. I will update after my blood work tomorrow.

Nothing new...

Sorry that I have been a bad blogger! I really don’t have much to say right now though. I spoke to my nurse on Wednesday (I was off of work on Thursday and Friday) and she said that she will speak to my RE, who was out of town and came back yesterday, to make sure he agrees with doing the injectables and IUI instead of the IVF. She also said that she has no record that anyone from their office actually talked to Kaiser. I told her that the woman from Kaiser referrals told my GYN that she called and spoke to a doctor from my RE’s office who agreed that I should do the IUI(which kind of pissed me off because it made it seem like I just “decided” to do IVF on my own). She said the doctors always make notes on the charts, especially when they speak to insurance companies. So, either someone forgot to update my chart, or the more likely scenario, the lady from Kaiser was lying. I told my nurse that either way they are obviously not going to approve the referral so we have no choice but to do the IUI/Injectables first. She also told me that before I take the provera to bring on AF I need to do a blood pregnancy test. I really don’t know why they insist on this because I literally take provera every time I need to make AF come. I am not paying for the pg test though! So, she told me if I don’t hear from her today with my “plan” then I should call her. I will probably call her this morning to remind her as I am ready to get this thing going! I will be back with an update as soon as I have one.

A turn of events…

Well, it seems that we have a turn of events. After much discussion with my doctor from Kaiser, the Kaiser referral people (whoever they are) and my RE they have decided that they would like me to do one, possibly two, rounds of injectables and IUI. I am confused, because my RE is the one that said that he wanted to go with IVF, I even asked about injectables and IUI. My concern is a couple of things: 1) That I will hyperstimulate or produce too many follicles and have a cancelled cycle; or 2) That I will become pregnant with high order multiples and will have to face the choice of having to reduce or put my health at risk. I am prepared for the possibility of having twins, but I don’t know what I would do with more than 2! But, nonetheless, I have no choice, because Kaiser will not pay for the IVF unless we have tried this first. There must be a reason for all of this or it wouldn’t happen. I am just hoping that the outcome will be positive. I would love to hear from any PCOS women out there who have had injectables and IUI. I do know that women with PCOS have success with injectables and that gives me hope, it’s just that my body is so darn stubborn! I only ovulated a few times in my many, many, cycles with Clomid and Femera. So, it’s hard to believe that somehow this is going to make me ovulate. But, I guess it is a step in the right direction. I am somewhat excited about actually being able to start something but a little scared about the issues mentioned above. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this will work. Please, if anyone has any words of wisdom I would love to hear them. You can either post a comment or contact me by e-mail at Morrisa@lawcfl.com.

Outside the wonderful world of TTC… I finally baked a perfect apple pie! The first apple pie I tried to bake a couple of years ago was awful but I decided to try again this weekend and it was yummy! Shawn loved it and had two slices that night. I took a picture of it and I will try to remember to upload it along with the pictures of my fall decorations that I promised a while ago. Well, I guess that’s it for now. I promise to post more when something actually starts happening. I have a call into Shady Grove to talk to my nurse about the next steps to start this unexpected cycle. The first step I am sure is to bring on AF. I think I am on CD30 now so I am clearly due to an AF. Ta ta for now!

Insurance Woes 2.0 & Other Ramblings

Ugh! Just when you think it can’t possibly get any more annoying it does! We got a bill for the blood tests that my insurance company required us to take in order to “approve” the referral, which still hasn’t happened. Anyway, the bill was for $1,001.00. What?! And this is after the supposedly paid half of the bill. But my argument is that they made me get the tests, they were not for treatment of infertility or diagnosis of infertility. It just makes me mad! Will we end up paying it? Probably, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to call them and let them have it. This takes 1 grand out of our IVF fund, it totally better be worth it. Also, my GYN put through the referral again with a note asking them to actually look at my chart before they deny it. I really don’t see how this is going to help but she has taken it personally now. If worse comes to worse I will ask her to please put in a “consult referral” to Shady Grove and let them put in for the IVF. I really haven’t heard of anyone having this much problems with their insurance company??

Lastly, I feel like Shawn is being left out of all of this. I often find that people come up to me and comfort me and give me support but no one ever acknowledges how hard it is for Shawn. People forget that we are going through this together and that he is hurting too. I also feel like he doesn’t have anyone to talk to because it is mostly women who talk about their experiences. So I was wondering if anyone knows of a male blogger or maybe a site where men actually talk about IF so maybe he can feel like he has someone to share his feelings with?

Well, that’s about all for now. TGIF!!

Insurance Woes..

So, my insurance company denied my referral for IVF. I think in the end it was a big misunderstanding but still, it is another road block. My GYN is very confused about the whole referral for IVF process. I think she was supposed to put in a referral for me to simply go to Shady Grove (because the one I had previously ran out) and then Shady Grove was supposed to request the referral for the IVF. The denial letter said that IVF was not medically necessary. You’re kidding right? I have been TTC for 5 years, and you tell me IVF is not medically necessary! It said that the next step would be IUI with injectables. Now this makes me mad. They must have some chart that they look off of to tell them the “steps.” Not everyone fits neatly into this little “chart” of how things are supposed to go. Because of my PCOS my RE (who is the expert) said that IVF would be my greatest chance for conception while avoiding a good chance of several cancelled cycles due to too many follicles with IUI. I don’t want to have a litter after all. But, in the end, I think because my GYN put in the referral for IVF instead of the RE that is really the problem. So, I called my GYN back and left a message asking her to please simply put a referral in for me to go to Shady Grove and then they will request the IVF referral. So this will be the THIRD time I am putting in this darn referral. If you ever even think of getting Kaiser insurance, DON’T! They have been nothing but trouble the whole time we have had them.

But anyway, before I calmed down and realized that this is probably all just a mix up I had a bit of an emotional breakdown on Friday night after receiving the denial letter. First, I was upset that my GYN did not call me to tell me the referral was denied. She always gets the denial first (I should know as I have been through it plenty of times) and she should have called. I realize she is not used to all this high tech fertility stuff but she is still my doctor. Second, it was like in an instant, while holding that denial letter in my hand (which I promptly ripped up in a fit of rage) all those old feelings came crashing back to me. If you are dealing with IF or ever have you know exactly what I mean. All of those feelings that come along with the pain of IF. The feeling of inadequacy, loneliness, hopelessness, and the worst of all jealousy. Jealousy is the hardest feeling for me to deal with because I am not normally a jealous person, it is also the most harming. You know the feeling, why did so and so get to have a baby when she wasn’t even ready for one and here I am, married, with a steady job and a house and no baby. I haven’t had these feelings in so long. While I sat on the couch and balled my eyes out I had one of those moments where I looked at my husband who was at a loss for words as to what to do to make me feel better I realized that I am the reason he is not a daddy. Then I began to hate this thing called PCOS that makes me feel less like a woman in so many ways. What did I do to deserve to be born with this horrible monster living inside of me? I haven’t had a moment in so long where I had sort of a faith crisis. I just called out to God in the most desperate moment of pain and asked myself, if there is a God, where is
He now? Why is He allowing us to go through this horrible isolating experience? But then it dawned on me, why not? What makes us so special? What about all of those other couples out there who are going through the same thing? They don’t “deserve” it either. But I still don’t understand why God allows people to conceive when they don’t appreciate what they have. Those women who don’t take care of their children or the ones who dump their babies in dumpsters. What makes them so easily able to conceive? I’m not sure if God “chose” me to go through all of this or He just “let” it happen, but I sure would like to know why. What purpose is supposed to come out of all the pain and suffering? I guess I will never really understand it. So here I am, waiting AGAIN for a third referral hoping and praying that the waiting will finally be over.

It just hit me today…

…how close we are to beginning this process, and honestly, I’m scared to death. I think I have been fine for the most part up until now, but as it gets closer the more emotional I get. I so want this to be it for us. I can’t help but think about how we only have enough money for one, maybe two cycles and that’s it for now. I can’t help but think about how this is the last shot. If this doesn’t work there is no other option for us. I have so many things running through my mind at one time. I don’t know how I am going to survive the stress of the IVF cycle let alone more than one. I know I will find the strength though. So many times throughout this IF journey I was sure there was no way I would get through it, and somehow I did. I can’t help but think how unfair it is that some of us have to go through such heartache to have a baby. We have been TAB for so long that I could ignore all of those old feelings that IF brought about. But now that we are starting again they are all coming back. I am so worried that my PCOS is going to complicate things and cause cancelled cycles. What if they still can’t get me to stimulate? I know these are all normal feelings but sometimes it seems like I am all alone. I know my friends and family have been so supportive but deep down inside I can’t help but wonder whether they really understand. Do they really know the deep emotional pain the IF causes? Do they know what it does to your self esteem, especially when you add PCOS to the mix? Do they really understand what it is like to not be able to do what so many other women do so easily? Shawn and I have very few friends to begin with. When we got married we grew apart from our single friends. But now it’s hard to make friends our age because they move on to have children and it seems that they pull away. I’m not sure why, maybe because they don’t feel like they have anything in common with us, or maybe because being around us makes them feel like they are making us uncomfortable. So, here I am feeling all alone like no one understands how I am feeling. I know that is not true. I know that unfortunately there are many other couples going through what we are going through. I am still waiting for my GYN to answer my e-mail about clearing me for the IVF due to my medications. I’m starting to wonder if she ever got the e-mail and I think I will call her today. Thanks for reading my blah blog today, I promise, it wont always be this depressing!

Waiting for the Referral

Well, not much to report here. My GYN put the referral in on Wednesday so we should get it back any day now. By the way, we got the official results from the HSG and all is clear! I'm not really sure why that doesn't make me happy, I mean I guess because what's the point of having clear tubes if you have NOTHING to travel down them! But anyway, I guess it's good that they are clear. My RE wants me to see a Maternal-Fetal Medicine Specialist because of the medications I am taking. Mainly because of the medications I am taking for depression/anxiety. I find it funny that I never had an issue with depression until going through infertility. The anxiety started after my boss unexpectedly passed away and then I lost my father 2 months later. The RE also said that they would accept an all clear from my GYN to continue with the IVF and continue to take the meds. Honestly, if I had to I could stop the Welbutrin but the anxiety is much more scary and I don't think I can stop the Zoloft. If anyone has any experience in this department I would love to hear from you. So, as soon as I get the all clear from my OB I just have to wait to bring AF on and then we start the birth control. I can't ait to get started by I am also scared. I have very high hopes that this will work and honestly that scares me. I am the eternal pessimist. It's much easier to expect the worse and be suprised than to expect the best and be devistated. But, I find myself getting excited about the possibility to becoming pregnant and finally moving on from IF. Although, I think IF has changed me for good and I don't think I will ever forget it. So, the fact that I am so optomistic scares me to death. What happens if it doesn't work? Will I crash much harder? It's just that I have been dreaming of having a baby for so long and I am so ready to move on! I know five years isn't long compared to what some of you have been through, but it feels like an eternity! But anyway..enough about that.

I had a good weekend. On Friday we went to church and helped to set up for our annual Ham & Fish Dinner. We are junior youth group leaders (Shawn and I) and the junior youth group ran the white elephant room. Then on Saturday we went out to breakfast at Bob Evans. It was really nice to spend some quality time with Shawn. I love him so much and I never get tired of spending time with him. I feel so fortunate that we have such a strong bond because I know a lot of marriages are not like that. The we went to chruch and ran the white elephant room until we had to leave to go to my Mom's house for my step-sister's 21st birthday. On the way home from my Moms we stopped at a convienience store and I sat in the car while Shawn went inside to get some drinks. I was just sitting and listening to the radio when all of a sudden the whole car lurched forward. Some girl had tried to pull into the parking space next to us and hit our car! There were no other cars in the parking lot but she had to pull right next to us and then totally missed her parking spot. I got out of the car just as Shawn came out of the store. She looked scared and told me when I got out of the car she thought I was going to kick her a$$. Ha ha! I didn't know I look that mean! We exchanged information and I called our insurance company as soon as we got home. There is not a lot of damage but there is a scratch and dents on the driver's side door. I wouldn't care except the car is white and there are no other scratches or dents. So we are waiting for a return call from our insurance company. On Sunday we went to church and then went to visit Shawn's father who had hip replacement surgery. Then we went shopping! I wanted to get some things to help organize our cabinets at home. I am tired of opening a cabinet door and fearing for my life! Then we stopped at Michaels where their fall decorations were 70% off! So I loaded up on fall decorations and went home and decorated the house. I will upload some pictures tomorrow. Then we sat down on the couch, I lit some candles and we watched the rest of the Ghost Hunters live Halloween episode. All in all it was a fun and relaxing weekend.

Lastly, I want to thank those of you that are commenting on my blog. It makes me feel good to know that others are reading my comments and that I am not rambling into nothingness. I will be checking out all of your sites as well. Anyway, be back tomorrow with pictures of my fall decorating (because I know that is exactly what you want to see..lol).