Insurance Woes 2.0 & Other Ramblings

Ugh! Just when you think it can’t possibly get any more annoying it does! We got a bill for the blood tests that my insurance company required us to take in order to “approve” the referral, which still hasn’t happened. Anyway, the bill was for $1,001.00. What?! And this is after the supposedly paid half of the bill. But my argument is that they made me get the tests, they were not for treatment of infertility or diagnosis of infertility. It just makes me mad! Will we end up paying it? Probably, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to call them and let them have it. This takes 1 grand out of our IVF fund, it totally better be worth it. Also, my GYN put through the referral again with a note asking them to actually look at my chart before they deny it. I really don’t see how this is going to help but she has taken it personally now. If worse comes to worse I will ask her to please put in a “consult referral” to Shady Grove and let them put in for the IVF. I really haven’t heard of anyone having this much problems with their insurance company??

Lastly, I feel like Shawn is being left out of all of this. I often find that people come up to me and comfort me and give me support but no one ever acknowledges how hard it is for Shawn. People forget that we are going through this together and that he is hurting too. I also feel like he doesn’t have anyone to talk to because it is mostly women who talk about their experiences. So I was wondering if anyone knows of a male blogger or maybe a site where men actually talk about IF so maybe he can feel like he has someone to share his feelings with?

Well, that’s about all for now. TGIF!!

Insurance Woes..

So, my insurance company denied my referral for IVF. I think in the end it was a big misunderstanding but still, it is another road block. My GYN is very confused about the whole referral for IVF process. I think she was supposed to put in a referral for me to simply go to Shady Grove (because the one I had previously ran out) and then Shady Grove was supposed to request the referral for the IVF. The denial letter said that IVF was not medically necessary. You’re kidding right? I have been TTC for 5 years, and you tell me IVF is not medically necessary! It said that the next step would be IUI with injectables. Now this makes me mad. They must have some chart that they look off of to tell them the “steps.” Not everyone fits neatly into this little “chart” of how things are supposed to go. Because of my PCOS my RE (who is the expert) said that IVF would be my greatest chance for conception while avoiding a good chance of several cancelled cycles due to too many follicles with IUI. I don’t want to have a litter after all. But, in the end, I think because my GYN put in the referral for IVF instead of the RE that is really the problem. So, I called my GYN back and left a message asking her to please simply put a referral in for me to go to Shady Grove and then they will request the IVF referral. So this will be the THIRD time I am putting in this darn referral. If you ever even think of getting Kaiser insurance, DON’T! They have been nothing but trouble the whole time we have had them.

But anyway, before I calmed down and realized that this is probably all just a mix up I had a bit of an emotional breakdown on Friday night after receiving the denial letter. First, I was upset that my GYN did not call me to tell me the referral was denied. She always gets the denial first (I should know as I have been through it plenty of times) and she should have called. I realize she is not used to all this high tech fertility stuff but she is still my doctor. Second, it was like in an instant, while holding that denial letter in my hand (which I promptly ripped up in a fit of rage) all those old feelings came crashing back to me. If you are dealing with IF or ever have you know exactly what I mean. All of those feelings that come along with the pain of IF. The feeling of inadequacy, loneliness, hopelessness, and the worst of all jealousy. Jealousy is the hardest feeling for me to deal with because I am not normally a jealous person, it is also the most harming. You know the feeling, why did so and so get to have a baby when she wasn’t even ready for one and here I am, married, with a steady job and a house and no baby. I haven’t had these feelings in so long. While I sat on the couch and balled my eyes out I had one of those moments where I looked at my husband who was at a loss for words as to what to do to make me feel better I realized that I am the reason he is not a daddy. Then I began to hate this thing called PCOS that makes me feel less like a woman in so many ways. What did I do to deserve to be born with this horrible monster living inside of me? I haven’t had a moment in so long where I had sort of a faith crisis. I just called out to God in the most desperate moment of pain and asked myself, if there is a God, where is
He now? Why is He allowing us to go through this horrible isolating experience? But then it dawned on me, why not? What makes us so special? What about all of those other couples out there who are going through the same thing? They don’t “deserve” it either. But I still don’t understand why God allows people to conceive when they don’t appreciate what they have. Those women who don’t take care of their children or the ones who dump their babies in dumpsters. What makes them so easily able to conceive? I’m not sure if God “chose” me to go through all of this or He just “let” it happen, but I sure would like to know why. What purpose is supposed to come out of all the pain and suffering? I guess I will never really understand it. So here I am, waiting AGAIN for a third referral hoping and praying that the waiting will finally be over.

It just hit me today…

…how close we are to beginning this process, and honestly, I’m scared to death. I think I have been fine for the most part up until now, but as it gets closer the more emotional I get. I so want this to be it for us. I can’t help but think about how we only have enough money for one, maybe two cycles and that’s it for now. I can’t help but think about how this is the last shot. If this doesn’t work there is no other option for us. I have so many things running through my mind at one time. I don’t know how I am going to survive the stress of the IVF cycle let alone more than one. I know I will find the strength though. So many times throughout this IF journey I was sure there was no way I would get through it, and somehow I did. I can’t help but think how unfair it is that some of us have to go through such heartache to have a baby. We have been TAB for so long that I could ignore all of those old feelings that IF brought about. But now that we are starting again they are all coming back. I am so worried that my PCOS is going to complicate things and cause cancelled cycles. What if they still can’t get me to stimulate? I know these are all normal feelings but sometimes it seems like I am all alone. I know my friends and family have been so supportive but deep down inside I can’t help but wonder whether they really understand. Do they really know the deep emotional pain the IF causes? Do they know what it does to your self esteem, especially when you add PCOS to the mix? Do they really understand what it is like to not be able to do what so many other women do so easily? Shawn and I have very few friends to begin with. When we got married we grew apart from our single friends. But now it’s hard to make friends our age because they move on to have children and it seems that they pull away. I’m not sure why, maybe because they don’t feel like they have anything in common with us, or maybe because being around us makes them feel like they are making us uncomfortable. So, here I am feeling all alone like no one understands how I am feeling. I know that is not true. I know that unfortunately there are many other couples going through what we are going through. I am still waiting for my GYN to answer my e-mail about clearing me for the IVF due to my medications. I’m starting to wonder if she ever got the e-mail and I think I will call her today. Thanks for reading my blah blog today, I promise, it wont always be this depressing!

Waiting for the Referral

Well, not much to report here. My GYN put the referral in on Wednesday so we should get it back any day now. By the way, we got the official results from the HSG and all is clear! I'm not really sure why that doesn't make me happy, I mean I guess because what's the point of having clear tubes if you have NOTHING to travel down them! But anyway, I guess it's good that they are clear. My RE wants me to see a Maternal-Fetal Medicine Specialist because of the medications I am taking. Mainly because of the medications I am taking for depression/anxiety. I find it funny that I never had an issue with depression until going through infertility. The anxiety started after my boss unexpectedly passed away and then I lost my father 2 months later. The RE also said that they would accept an all clear from my GYN to continue with the IVF and continue to take the meds. Honestly, if I had to I could stop the Welbutrin but the anxiety is much more scary and I don't think I can stop the Zoloft. If anyone has any experience in this department I would love to hear from you. So, as soon as I get the all clear from my OB I just have to wait to bring AF on and then we start the birth control. I can't ait to get started by I am also scared. I have very high hopes that this will work and honestly that scares me. I am the eternal pessimist. It's much easier to expect the worse and be suprised than to expect the best and be devistated. But, I find myself getting excited about the possibility to becoming pregnant and finally moving on from IF. Although, I think IF has changed me for good and I don't think I will ever forget it. So, the fact that I am so optomistic scares me to death. What happens if it doesn't work? Will I crash much harder? It's just that I have been dreaming of having a baby for so long and I am so ready to move on! I know five years isn't long compared to what some of you have been through, but it feels like an eternity! But anyway..enough about that.

I had a good weekend. On Friday we went to church and helped to set up for our annual Ham & Fish Dinner. We are junior youth group leaders (Shawn and I) and the junior youth group ran the white elephant room. Then on Saturday we went out to breakfast at Bob Evans. It was really nice to spend some quality time with Shawn. I love him so much and I never get tired of spending time with him. I feel so fortunate that we have such a strong bond because I know a lot of marriages are not like that. The we went to chruch and ran the white elephant room until we had to leave to go to my Mom's house for my step-sister's 21st birthday. On the way home from my Moms we stopped at a convienience store and I sat in the car while Shawn went inside to get some drinks. I was just sitting and listening to the radio when all of a sudden the whole car lurched forward. Some girl had tried to pull into the parking space next to us and hit our car! There were no other cars in the parking lot but she had to pull right next to us and then totally missed her parking spot. I got out of the car just as Shawn came out of the store. She looked scared and told me when I got out of the car she thought I was going to kick her a$$. Ha ha! I didn't know I look that mean! We exchanged information and I called our insurance company as soon as we got home. There is not a lot of damage but there is a scratch and dents on the driver's side door. I wouldn't care except the car is white and there are no other scratches or dents. So we are waiting for a return call from our insurance company. On Sunday we went to church and then went to visit Shawn's father who had hip replacement surgery. Then we went shopping! I wanted to get some things to help organize our cabinets at home. I am tired of opening a cabinet door and fearing for my life! Then we stopped at Michaels where their fall decorations were 70% off! So I loaded up on fall decorations and went home and decorated the house. I will upload some pictures tomorrow. Then we sat down on the couch, I lit some candles and we watched the rest of the Ghost Hunters live Halloween episode. All in all it was a fun and relaxing weekend.

Lastly, I want to thank those of you that are commenting on my blog. It makes me feel good to know that others are reading my comments and that I am not rambling into nothingness. I will be checking out all of your sites as well. Anyway, be back tomorrow with pictures of my fall decorating (because I know that is exactly what you want to see..lol).

HSG

Finally! All the testing is done! I got my HSG on Friday and everything went according to plan (sort of). I got to my PCP’s office at 8:20 and the nurse was there and ready to give me the toradol shot. She made it sound like it was going to hurt like hell so I was a little apprehensive but I figured since I am doing this IVF thing I’d better get used to huge shots. She had me bend over a stretcher and pull down my pants on the right side a little. She told me to be prepared for a very intense sting (my GYN told me the same thing), funny thing was, I didn’t even feel her give me the shot! For those of you that don’t know, I have a herniated disk in my back and more often than not my right butt cheek is completely numb, sometimes even my left. So, I didn’t even know she gave me the shot and I never did feel the intense burning that she said would come about 15 min after the shot. Hmmmm, I will have to remember this when we begin the shots for the IVF. Then we were off to American Radiology for the dreaded HSG.

When we arrived at American Radiology at 8:45 a.m. (right on time) there were tons of people in the waiting room and a line waiting to check in. The funny thing was there was three people at the front desk but only one person checking people in, the other people were doing God knows what. When I got up to the desk to check in and gave the girl my insurance card she very rudely asked me if I had the original signed copy of the referral from my doctor. I told her that I did not and that the doctor made the appointment over the phone and told me all of the information would be sent over to American Radiology and that when I called to make the appointment for the HSG I gave them the referral number my doctor gave me. They never told me I needed the original signed paper. She told me that they most likely would not be able to do the procedure because Kaiser requires them to have the original signed referral before they can do it. I flat out told her to do what she needs to do, call Kaiser, whatever, because the procedure needed to be done that day. I guess she didn’t want to mess with me because they called me back 10 minutes later.

When they called me back I was a little nervous but for some reason I was fairly confident that the toradol shot was going to help. When I walked into the room the nurse handed me a gown and told me to change. When I came out they had me lay on the table with my butt on a pillow. Then the doctor came in. She was very nice. I told the nurse and the doctor about my bad experience and they looked at me like I was insane and said they had never heard of anyone passing out during an HSG. I swear, I am not a big baby and I actually have a pretty high threshold for pain! The doctor told me that she has never heard of anyone passing out and that she would make sure to be gentle. The most uncomfortable part about the whole procedure was the inserting of the catheter. I got a little cramping from that but it was very light and definitely bearable. I didn’t even feel her insert the dye. The whole procedure took about 10 minutes. It took a little longer because for some reason initially they couldn’t find my left tube. Finally she found it and told me that my left tube was significantly higher than my right tube. But both tubes are clear and no abnormalities in the uterus. This is good, but in my case it doesn’t really matter because I don’t ovulate anyway. All in all it was a MUCH better experience minus the b*tch at the front desk. I’m really not sure if it was the Toradol that helped or if it was just that the doctor was much more gentle but either way, I’m glad it was less painful than before.

Now we wait, (AGAIN) for Kaiser to approve the referral which should hopefully be within the next week or so. Then I will need to bring on another cycle and start the BCPs. I’m only on CD10 so I will need to wait to take the provera. Stay tuned…

Stressed!!

Yes, that is how I am feeling right now…stressed! Lets see if I can recap the latest events:

Shawn got his SA results back. The motility wasn’t great but we think that is because they made him wait over an hour before they took the sample. We have never had a problem with the SA results before so hopefully this is the case.

I got my day 3 blood work done and everything came out fine.

So, the ONLY thing left is the dreaded HSG. I called my GYN and explained to her that I would NOT even think of doing the HSG unless she gives me something stronger than Motrin to take prior to the test. So she prescribed a shot of Toradol which I will get at 8:30 tomorrow morning. Herein lies the main source of my stress, my HSG is scheduled to begin at 9:00. They told me to be there by 8:45. That leaves me 15 minutes to get the shot and go to American Radiology. Now, Kaiser has not been known to be the most reliable. I am concerned about this short time frame considering they open at 8:30. I called and spoke to the nurse today who is supposed to give me the shot and explained to her that I was worried about the timing and getting to the HSG on time. She said she usually arrives at 8:15 and that she will give me the shot right away. Then she went on to explain how she was an hour and a half late to work today because of traffic due to rain. NOT so comforting after you just got dome telling me that you will be there at 8:30. So, my pan is that if for some reason she is late, they don’t open on time, or whatever other lame reason Kaiser has for once again pissing me off, then I am just going to get the HSG with no medication at all. I don’t want to wait another month to do this because it will push the IVF back two months. So, come hell or high water I will be getting the HSG. And, if I pass out on the table (again) then it is Kaiser’s fault and they will just have to use what ever results they get and approve the referral.

The other source of my stress is AF herself. She is here, like I wanted her to be so that we could do the day 3 BW and the HSG, but now she wont leave! She is playing peek-a-boo with me all day. They made it clear to me that all signs of AF must be gone when I get the HSG or they cant do it. It is day 7 already! Go away! So, it seems that so many things are stacked against me while I am trying to get this stupid HSG which Kaiser wanted me to get I the first place. My RE did not require me to get the HSG. So, like everything else that sucks in my life, I am blaming it all on HMO’s!

Stay tuned…

Gettysburg Weekend

Well, we got back from our Gettysburg trip late last night. We had a great but interesting time. When we left Friday night it began to pour down rain. So bad that we could barely see the road! When we finally got to the hotel we were supposed to stay at, which is this one:

The girl at the desk spent several minutes looking on her computer and asking again and again how to spell our last name. I knew something was wrong when after five minutes she still hadn't found our reservations. Then she finally found our reservation but told us that they had us booked for NEXT weekend and not this weekend. She then went on to tell us that they had no rooms available that night. So, we had to cancel our incorrect reservation and back out into the rain we went! After stopping at several hotels and being told over and over that they had no rooms available we began to worry that we were going to be sleeping in our car, or turning around and driving all the way back home. Finally someone working behind the counter at the last hotel we stopped at told us that there was only one hotel in town that had available rooms. So, we drove 5 miles outside of Gettysburg to the Eisenhower Hotel. We found the hotel but the parking lot was confusing. We ended up driving around a circle that lead to nowhere with several other cars before we finally figured out how to get to the entrance of the hotel. By this time we are both starving. We were finally able to get a room but we had to pay about $50 more than what our original hotel room was. The room was really nice and actually pretty large:

After we put our things in the room we headed off to get something to eat. While eating dinner we were both exhausted and giggly. Anyone who knows me knows that I sometimes have a tendancy to talk loud, especially when I am tired. We were discussing what I packed in our suitcase and I made a rather loud comment about how Shawn had a pair of holy underwear. Basically the whole place heard me and Shawn turned red! lol! (That's what he gets for not letting me throw away the holy undies!)

The next morning we decided we were going to have breakfast in the hotel. We could smell breakfast but darn if we could find where we were supposed to go! The hotel was like one big maze (just like the parking lot). We never did find where they served breakfast so instead we had breakfast at the Avenue in town where we sat behind a couple who was very loudly discussing child support payments (we are so nosy!).

After breakfast we spent the day driving around the battlefield. We took some beautiful pictures. Here are a couple of them.

This is Shawn checking out the inside of a cannon. Do you see anything in there Shawn?

Actually, yes, he did see something in there! Have you ever seen the inside of a cannon? Pretty cool huh?

Obviously I did a little editing to this picture. I thought it was pretty neat though. This was on the corner of the field where Pickett's Charge took place.

I was impersonating a squirrel here.

Here I am listening to the cannon...don't ask..really.

Here is a picture Shawn took of me.

Here we are together.

And again.

After driving and walking around the battelfield all day we were ready for dinner. We had planned on eating at General Pickett's Buffet. They have great food and we have eaten there a few times and were always pleased with the food. While we were waiting to be seated a tour bus full of 45 people showed up and apparently had reservations. Then another tour bus of 45 showed up too. They also apparently had reservations. At this point we decided it would be no fun having to wait in line for food with so many people in the place so we decided to try to go somewhere else. Bad idea! We drove around Gettysburg for another hour trying to find a place to eat only to find out that everywhere had a 45 minute wait or longer. We couldn't wait because we had scheduled to go on the Ghosts of Gettysburg tour at 8:15. So we finally decided to get dinner at Wendys and drive back through the battelfield in the dark and do some ghost hunting. It was really neat to be out on the battlefield in the dark and also a bit creepy. There were several other people out there taking pictures also. You could look out over the battlefiled and see camera flashes everywhere. By the way, we didn't catch any ghosts on film. Oh well..

Then we went on our ghost tour. We went on the Seminary Ridge tour and met the guide and the rest of the people going on the tour (all 120 of them!) There was a group of about 10 very annoying boyscouts in front of us. They split our group into three smaller groups and I specifically told Shawn that I hoped that we didn't end up in their group. Guess what, we did! But they were actually pretty quiet besides asking some lame questions. The tour was pretty cool. We walked throug the grounds of the seminary and heard some ghost stories. I told Shawn as we walked through the fields that I hoped that we didn't step on dog poop, guess what...I did! I swear, I am not going to say anything that I don't want to happen because apparently God has a sick sense of humor! I ended up riding home with no shoes and no pants and a blanket over my lap!

We took a lot of pictures during the tour but because it was so dark most of them didn't come out. I did take one picture of a building that was used as a field hospital during the war. The story was that people still hear the screaming of the soldiers that were in the basement of the building getting amputations. I got a pretty cool picture although my personal opinion is that it is just matrixing. But anyway, here it is.

Do you see a screaming face in this picture? If you dont I took the liberty of circling the face that I see.

Now, let me make it clear that I do NOT think that this is a picture of a ghost. Even an amiture ghost hunter knows that you never take pictures into mirrors or windows because of the reflections. But it is a creepy picture either way.

Well, that's about it for our trip. We had a lot of fun and got the relaxation that we were looking for prior to beginning our IVF cycle. Now we are well rested and ready to go. By the way, since this is technically a blog about IVF, I got AF on Saturday so today is CD2. So tomorrow I will need to call American Radiology and schdule my HSG! Then maybe we can finally start! Stay tuned...