A turn of events…

Well, it seems that we have a turn of events. After much discussion with my doctor from Kaiser, the Kaiser referral people (whoever they are) and my RE they have decided that they would like me to do one, possibly two, rounds of injectables and IUI. I am confused, because my RE is the one that said that he wanted to go with IVF, I even asked about injectables and IUI. My concern is a couple of things: 1) That I will hyperstimulate or produce too many follicles and have a cancelled cycle; or 2) That I will become pregnant with high order multiples and will have to face the choice of having to reduce or put my health at risk. I am prepared for the possibility of having twins, but I don’t know what I would do with more than 2! But, nonetheless, I have no choice, because Kaiser will not pay for the IVF unless we have tried this first. There must be a reason for all of this or it wouldn’t happen. I am just hoping that the outcome will be positive. I would love to hear from any PCOS women out there who have had injectables and IUI. I do know that women with PCOS have success with injectables and that gives me hope, it’s just that my body is so darn stubborn! I only ovulated a few times in my many, many, cycles with Clomid and Femera. So, it’s hard to believe that somehow this is going to make me ovulate. But, I guess it is a step in the right direction. I am somewhat excited about actually being able to start something but a little scared about the issues mentioned above. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this will work. Please, if anyone has any words of wisdom I would love to hear them. You can either post a comment or contact me by e-mail at Morrisa@lawcfl.com.

Outside the wonderful world of TTC… I finally baked a perfect apple pie! The first apple pie I tried to bake a couple of years ago was awful but I decided to try again this weekend and it was yummy! Shawn loved it and had two slices that night. I took a picture of it and I will try to remember to upload it along with the pictures of my fall decorations that I promised a while ago. Well, I guess that’s it for now. I promise to post more when something actually starts happening. I have a call into Shady Grove to talk to my nurse about the next steps to start this unexpected cycle. The first step I am sure is to bring on AF. I think I am on CD30 now so I am clearly due to an AF. Ta ta for now!

Insurance Woes 2.0 & Other Ramblings

Ugh! Just when you think it can’t possibly get any more annoying it does! We got a bill for the blood tests that my insurance company required us to take in order to “approve” the referral, which still hasn’t happened. Anyway, the bill was for $1,001.00. What?! And this is after the supposedly paid half of the bill. But my argument is that they made me get the tests, they were not for treatment of infertility or diagnosis of infertility. It just makes me mad! Will we end up paying it? Probably, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to call them and let them have it. This takes 1 grand out of our IVF fund, it totally better be worth it. Also, my GYN put through the referral again with a note asking them to actually look at my chart before they deny it. I really don’t see how this is going to help but she has taken it personally now. If worse comes to worse I will ask her to please put in a “consult referral” to Shady Grove and let them put in for the IVF. I really haven’t heard of anyone having this much problems with their insurance company??

Lastly, I feel like Shawn is being left out of all of this. I often find that people come up to me and comfort me and give me support but no one ever acknowledges how hard it is for Shawn. People forget that we are going through this together and that he is hurting too. I also feel like he doesn’t have anyone to talk to because it is mostly women who talk about their experiences. So I was wondering if anyone knows of a male blogger or maybe a site where men actually talk about IF so maybe he can feel like he has someone to share his feelings with?

Well, that’s about all for now. TGIF!!

Insurance Woes..

So, my insurance company denied my referral for IVF. I think in the end it was a big misunderstanding but still, it is another road block. My GYN is very confused about the whole referral for IVF process. I think she was supposed to put in a referral for me to simply go to Shady Grove (because the one I had previously ran out) and then Shady Grove was supposed to request the referral for the IVF. The denial letter said that IVF was not medically necessary. You’re kidding right? I have been TTC for 5 years, and you tell me IVF is not medically necessary! It said that the next step would be IUI with injectables. Now this makes me mad. They must have some chart that they look off of to tell them the “steps.” Not everyone fits neatly into this little “chart” of how things are supposed to go. Because of my PCOS my RE (who is the expert) said that IVF would be my greatest chance for conception while avoiding a good chance of several cancelled cycles due to too many follicles with IUI. I don’t want to have a litter after all. But, in the end, I think because my GYN put in the referral for IVF instead of the RE that is really the problem. So, I called my GYN back and left a message asking her to please simply put a referral in for me to go to Shady Grove and then they will request the IVF referral. So this will be the THIRD time I am putting in this darn referral. If you ever even think of getting Kaiser insurance, DON’T! They have been nothing but trouble the whole time we have had them.

But anyway, before I calmed down and realized that this is probably all just a mix up I had a bit of an emotional breakdown on Friday night after receiving the denial letter. First, I was upset that my GYN did not call me to tell me the referral was denied. She always gets the denial first (I should know as I have been through it plenty of times) and she should have called. I realize she is not used to all this high tech fertility stuff but she is still my doctor. Second, it was like in an instant, while holding that denial letter in my hand (which I promptly ripped up in a fit of rage) all those old feelings came crashing back to me. If you are dealing with IF or ever have you know exactly what I mean. All of those feelings that come along with the pain of IF. The feeling of inadequacy, loneliness, hopelessness, and the worst of all jealousy. Jealousy is the hardest feeling for me to deal with because I am not normally a jealous person, it is also the most harming. You know the feeling, why did so and so get to have a baby when she wasn’t even ready for one and here I am, married, with a steady job and a house and no baby. I haven’t had these feelings in so long. While I sat on the couch and balled my eyes out I had one of those moments where I looked at my husband who was at a loss for words as to what to do to make me feel better I realized that I am the reason he is not a daddy. Then I began to hate this thing called PCOS that makes me feel less like a woman in so many ways. What did I do to deserve to be born with this horrible monster living inside of me? I haven’t had a moment in so long where I had sort of a faith crisis. I just called out to God in the most desperate moment of pain and asked myself, if there is a God, where is
He now? Why is He allowing us to go through this horrible isolating experience? But then it dawned on me, why not? What makes us so special? What about all of those other couples out there who are going through the same thing? They don’t “deserve” it either. But I still don’t understand why God allows people to conceive when they don’t appreciate what they have. Those women who don’t take care of their children or the ones who dump their babies in dumpsters. What makes them so easily able to conceive? I’m not sure if God “chose” me to go through all of this or He just “let” it happen, but I sure would like to know why. What purpose is supposed to come out of all the pain and suffering? I guess I will never really understand it. So here I am, waiting AGAIN for a third referral hoping and praying that the waiting will finally be over.