The Most Beautiful Sound (11w1d)

Well, we got a surprise when we got home from work yesterday and found our doppler waiting for us. It was a surprise because it wasn't supposed to arrive until Thursday. So we immediately headed back to the bedroom to try it out. I kept my bladder full because the papers inside suggested that it may be easier to hear the h/b with a full bladder. I laid back on the bed, pulled down my pants and Shawn got the doppler ready. It came with batteries so all we had to do was pop in the batteries. Then Shawn gelled up the doppler and we went to town. We started where the book suggested, right in the middle between my belly button and pubic bone. We spent the next 20 minutes hunting for the little one's h/b. We found mine plenty of times (it's amazing all the different places you can pick up you h/b way down there) which seemed to range from 80 to 90, so I knew it wasn't the baby's. I actually didn't freak out when we couldn't find it, I knew it would take a while the first time because baby is so small. Finally, after about 20 minutes of looking we heard something much faster. It was so clear, the most beautiful sound ever. The reading on the doppler showed 178 and I knew it had to be Doozer's. It was an awesome sound, so worth the money we are spending to rent this thing every month. We wanted to record the sound on our digital camera (the doppler does not have a recording device) but my amazing Dh had softball (again). So we will record it this evening (since we have decided to listen once a day) and we will also take the dreaded belly pic. Hopefully from now on it will be easier to find the h/b since we know where the baby is, unless he is practicing Olympic swimming and going from side to side. So, for now, I am pleased with my decision to rent a doppler, I think it is helping me not to worry so much over every little ache and pain.

Speaking of aches and pains, I have been feeling some soreness in my lower belly when I wake up in the morning, almost like I have been exercising. I have also been feeling a pulling stretching pain in my left side, kind of where my ovary would be. I called my OB and he said that it could be round ligament pain but not to worry unless it is non-stop or I spot or bleed. I also called my OB because my acid reflux began to really become unbearable. I stopped taking my prescription Prilosec because I read that it is a category C medication and may not be safe for pregnancy. I was getting unbearable heartburn no matter what I ate and an intense pressure in my chest that made me feel like I was choking. My Ob said that I cannot take the Prilosec but I should try Zantac 150 twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. Let me tell you, I feel so much better now! I still have some mild heartburn here and there but nothing like before!

As for my symptoms, here is what I am dealing with so far:

• Soreness in my tummy in the mornings, like sore muscles.
• Pulling and stretching pain on left side.
• Heartburn, although much better now.
• Extreme tiredness.
• And now I have went to just feeling awful in the morning and only puking once (around 6 or 7 weeks) to puking every morning. I thought it was supposed to go the other way, where you start to feel better the closer you get to the second trimester, instead, I feel myself getting worse.
• Very mild breast tenderness, hardly worth mentioning.

But there is no complaints here, I am feeling extremely blessed to be where I am. I thank God every single day that He has blessed us with this child. I know there are no guarantees, but I find myself slowly believing that we may actually get to bring home a baby in January. I am so excited to finally start the second trimester. Some of my books say it starts at 13 weeks, some say 14, but I'm going with 13 because it is closer. I still can't believe that we are here, it seems like a dream that would never come true.

Lastly, I am sorry that all of my posts have been about pregnancy, and that I have not posted or commented more often. I am still going through that odd phase where I don't know where I belong. To me I will always be an infertile, but I can't help but worry that my joy is causing others pain. I know how it feels to be happy for someone but jealous at the same time. I know how much it hurts to read what others are going through and want it so much for yourself. I will NEVER forget the pain that the last six years has brought me. I will NEVER be one of those women who immediately forget all about the pain of IF when they finally get pregnant. I feel each and every one of your pain so deeply, and I remember how it felt. I still deal with that pain every single day, because while I know I am blessed beyond belief, I still suffer from the same emotions and worries. And you know what? I wouldn't want it any other way. I don't want to ever forget how infertility has changed my life in more ways than I can ever imagine. I don't want to forget what a miracle a child is or how much pain and expense some of us go through to get what others so easily achieve. So please, don't ever think that I have become one of them, someone so wrapped up in their own pregnancy that they forget that there are still so many out there suffering. If I ever act like that, let me know. I talk about my pregnancy a lot because it is what is on my mind 24/7. There isn't a moment of the day when I don't think about our little one. I also have nothing else to discuss because I am either sleeping, working or eating, that's about it! So, that was my long winded slightly pregnancy hormone induced explanation for why my posts and comments have been few and far between and why all of my posts are usually pregnancy related.

Lastly, did any of you watch Baby Borrowers last night? I'm curious what you thought about it. I will tell you my thoughts but I want to see what some of you thought first. Also, do any of you watch So You Think You Can Dance? OMG, I love Twitch, he is just too cute for words! In case you haven't noticed, I am a reality TV junkie!

I’m Still Infertile

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a couple of weeks now, actually ever since we got our BFP. Now I think it is the perfect time to write it. I never imagined myself actually seeing that second line, having a positive beta, and even seeing a heartbeat. Obviously, that was the desired outcome of all of the treatments we went through, but I could never really imagine any of these things happening to me. And even when they did happen, one by one, I thought of reasons why they might not be true. When I got my first BFP I thought for sure it was a faulty test, so I went out and bought another (well maybe a few), when that one was positive too I thought it must still be the trigger shot. When the tests continued to be positive I was sure it would be a chemical pregnancy. All through my betas I was sure something horrible would happen. Then the day of the u/s I was positive we would get some horrible news. I still worry that something is going to go wrong and take this baby away from us. The reason why I am saying all of this is because I want you, my fellow infertiles who are still in the trenches, to know that being pregnant didn’t make any of the hurt and pain go away. I still feel the sting of six years of disappointments and hurts. I know how incredibly lucky I am that it worked for us on the first IVF cycle. I know what a blessing that is. I know that so many of you have been through several cycles of IVF with no success. I can’t even express how much I wish this could be a reality for all of us. I know that there are days when you are still in the trenches (be advised that I do not consider myself out of the trenches yet, I’m not sure when that will happen) just can’t bear to read a post about BFPs, betas, ultrasounds, whatever. I totally get that because that has been me on several occasions. I know what it is like to have that awful feeling of jealousy about someone else’s good news and then feel terrible about it afterwards because you consider them a friend. Today I checked my bloglines and I lost a subscriber. I know it sounds silly but it made me sad. Not because one less person will be reading my blog, because I really started this blog for myself, but because the thought that someone may have “unsubscribed” because they couldn’t read about my pregnancy broke my heart. Maybe it’s not the case at all. Maybe this person just decided not to use bloglines anymore, or maybe they just sick of hearing me whine, but maybe they are just going through a really tough time and just couldn’t bear to continue reading. The thought that some of you are still experiencing the pain I have felt for so long makes me sad. I want all of you to know that it is okay not to be able to read if you feel like you can’t. Some days are better than others. And if you feel like you need to stop reading all together that’s okay too. The first three years of my infertility were the hardest for me. I will never forget the day my doctor diagnosed me with PCOS. We had already been trying for almost a year (I think.) I came home and bawled because I knew it was going to be a tough road ahead. I know our dreams of making a baby in the privacy of our home was over. So I began the grieving process. I was angry and jealous every time I heard a pregnancy announcement, and believe me there were quite a few throughout those three years. The next couple of years were much easier. I suppose because we took such a long break. I was able to think about other things besides IF and heal a lot. I also learned how to deal with the anger and jealously and I learned the most important lesson of all, how to turn it over to God. When we were finally able to begin treatments again (when I began this blog) I had a whole new outlook. I still felt some of those same old feelings creeping up inside of me, but this time I was able to control my feelings better and bounce back from things quicker. I am a seasoned infertile, I know how to deal with being infertile, I know all about infertility. But now I find myself in a confusing new place, albeit a place I have wanted to be for years now, still confusing. Now I am a pregnant infertile and that comes with an array of the same kind of emotions; fear, uncertainty, and most of all jealousy. Jealousy of those who can get pregnant in the privacy of their own home; Jealousy of those who are innocent enough to think that when they get pregnant it is a guarantee to bring home a healthy baby, and the crazy thing is, it usually happens that way for them; Jealousy of those who don’t know all of the things that can go wrong and therefore don’t wake up every morning wondering if their baby is still alive. I feel that infertility has taken that away, not only from me but from all of you. But, the main reason I am writing this post is not to share with you all of the things that infertility has robbed me of, but to share with you the things that infertility has blessed me with. Blessed you ask? Yes. Even though I would never wish this on my worst enemy, if I had a chance to go back and change it all I wouldn’t change a thing. Why? Because I believe that infertility has blessed me in many many ways.

· It has taught me patience. This was one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I am a fairly impatient person. I am used to being able to do something to get what I want. I wanted a college degree, so I went to college and got one. Infertility is different, you have to wait for everything that you want. This is a hard life lesson but an important one.

· It has taught me that I am not always in control. See above.

· It has taught me to think before I speak. We all know those comments we hate to hear; “Just relax,” “Take a vacation,” “You’re young.” Having been on the receiving end of those comments many times I have learned to think before I speak. You should never assume you know someone’s situation. You just don’t know how much something that you think is a harmless comment, or assvice as we all so lovingly call it, can hurt someone. I’m still working on this one. You can ask my Dh and he will tell you that I often speak before I think. I’m working on it though and getting better.

· It has taught me just how special the bond I have with my husband is. I know you gals will say the same but I truly think that my husband is the most wonderful husband in the world. When I first met Dh I thought for sure he was an angel, sent from Heaven just for me. He has brought me into a relationship with God and for that I am eternally thankful. He is my best friend. I never thought I would enjoy spending time with my husband as much as I do. Before I got married I always heard people complaining about how much they needed to get away from their spouses. I never feel this way! I love spending time with my husband and my heart breaks every single time I have to leave him for the day. The infertility that we have went through has only made our bond that much closer. When we first found out it was me “with the problem” I was so worried that he was going to blame me. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t make him a father when he would be such a great one. I was worried that he would resent that he married me. I was also worried that his parents would regret that he married me. He is an only child and the only hope for a grandbaby. But, none of those things were true. I realized that he felt the pain of infertility just as much as I did. He cried with me every time I cried, and it has made us stronger.

· And lastly, infertility has allowed me to make wonderful friends that I never would have met otherwise. When we first started trying I met a wonderful group of ladies over at WebMd. We got to know each other very well once everyone else on our message board got pregnant and we didn’t. Then we moved to communicating through e-mail. Three of us even met in Chicago. It was amazing to see that these women were real women, real people. Then we drifted apart, or I drifted away from the group. I can’t really explain it except that I was not in the same place emotionally that I am now. As each of them began getting their BFPs I began to realize that soon I was going to be the odd man out. So I kind of pulled away. Now I have had the pleasure of being able to speak with one of them again through my blog! It’s so amazing to see that she is still the wonderful supportive person that she always was. I think about the rest of them often. I wonder what’s going on in their lives. Then I met all of you! Starting a blog was the best thing I have ever done! I have made some amazing friends here and even though we have never met in person I feel incredibly close to every one of you. I know all of your stories and follow you daily. It felt so good to know that there were so many others who shared my pain!

So, I guess the point of this long-ass post is to tell all of you that I haven’t magically forgotten about the pain of infertility. And that in fact, pregnancy has opened up a whole new world of fears for me. But most importantly, that we are all learning something from this experience, even if it is sometimes hard to see. Sorry for the length of the post and I hope it makes sense.

6dp6dt- The Glass is Half-Empty

Well, like the title says, I am 6dp6dt. I am not feeling anything other than cramps now and then although they are not as bad as they were. The PIO has made my poor boobies so sore! They feel like 10 lb weights (and have been feeling this way since I did my first PIO shot)! But as far as the OHSS goes I am feeling better every day. My chest had stopped feeling wierd and my ovaries are not as sore although if I turn too quickly I do get a sharp pain. As for my hopefulness that this cycle has a chance of working, there still isn't much hope. I am actually upset I am starting to feel better from the OHSS because to me this means I am probably not pregnant. I will test at some point, I'm just not sure when. I dread seeing that negative, I hate it more than I can explain, but I would hate it worse to get a "cold call" from my nurse and not have some sort of idea it will be negative. I am also annoyed that I have to wait until May 12th for my beta. That will make me 13dp6dt, why so long? That's like waiting until 19dpo to test, craziness! I thought I would have a shorter wait but I guess not! The other thing that keeps on running through my mind is that I will be getting my beta the day after mother's day and the day before my birthday. I will definitely test before mother's day though. I really wish the timing didn't work out this way. I don't usually look forward to my birthday because nothing exciting happens, I usually go to my Mom's and open gifts and blow out candles and that's it. I get depressed around my birthday because it reminds me just how long we have been TTC. I started trying to have a baby when I was 22, I am turning 28 this year. Who would ever think that a 22 year old would have trouble conceiving, but I did. And now I'm here, 6 years later and still no baby. I also hate Mother's day more than words can express. I think it is another stupid Hallmark holiday just like Valentines Day. I am sure the reason I hate the holiday is because I am a bitter infertile and maybe my feelings towards it will change one day but for now I hate it. I refuse to go to church on Mother's Day because they give flowers out to all of the mothers, just driving home the fact that I am not one. Then we get to hear a whole sermon about how wonderful mothers are, blah, blah. Maybe they should just slap a sign on my forehead that says "NOT a Mother." Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom and my MIL, I just don't think I need a special day to celebrate them. Of course I will dutifully get the stupid cards and gifts because I know if I don't they will be hurt but I don't have to like it!

So, since this is my first IVF cycle shouldn't I be full of hope and excitement? So what's wrong with me? I feel like I have lost that innocence because most people I know who do their first IVF have only been trying for 2 to 3 years, maybe that's why there is no hope left in me? Am I just so used to being disappointed that I can't possibly think that anything would work? The first three years of dealing with IF were the hardest for me by far, that is the time when I worked through all of my stages of grief. I came into a quiet acceptance about the whole thing somewhere in the beginning of year four and it has been that way ever since. Now I don't know how to feel. Hope is for newbies right? I should know better. I should know that it is crazy to hope or even think that my first IVF cycle would work. I am dreading having to do this again. I am so scared of getting OHSS again and going through that pain. I don't know what I will do about time off of work since I am seriously in the negative. I am trying to get through this cycle first and not to think about these things but I am a planner and always have to think about the future. So, here I am, trying to find some shred of hope buried deep inside and trying not to read too much into the fact that I am feeling better every day instead of feeling returning symptoms of OHSS.

Randomness

Hello there! Sorry I have been MIA for a while. I mean, I haven’t really had a lot to say and my internet connection at work has been screwy. I guess I really don’t have much to write about. It took me two hours to make the usual half hour trip home from work yesterday which was not fun at all! Luckily I had enough sense to use the bathroom before I left.

Anyway, the good news is that I am planning a 30th birthday party for DH. We have decided to do it at the church fellowship hall and we will have a DJ too! The theme will be 1970s. It should be fun and I am already having a lot of fun planning it. If anyone has any suggestions for the party I am all ears.

I wonder if it is normal for a woman who is going through infertility to lose most of her female friends. What I mean is; I don’t really have any close female friends anymore. I love my DH and he is by far my best friend. I love doing things with him and I love spending time with him. But, I am craving female companionship. I don’t have any close friends who can truly relate to my situation. I have stopped talking to all of my friends from high school because we are not in the same place in our lives. Half of them are unmarried and living the single life hard core which includes sleeping around with everything in site. The other half of them is married and have a couple of kids. I realize that people aren’t always in the same situation in their lives as their friends but it makes it very hard to find things to talk about when you have absolutely nothing in common. My 10 year high school reunion is coming up and I am definitely not going. I find myself looking at the myspace pages of all of those people I went to high school with and it makes me sad. Its not that I don’t appreciate what I have it’s just that I can’t help but look at what other people have and think that they have done better than me. I know that is an awful thing to say and no Christian at all but it’s sometimes how I feel. I see that they live in a bigger house than me, they have more money than me, the have kids, etc. I know it is awful to feel this way and I am by no means saying that I don’t appreciate what I have. I know that I have been blessed with such a wonderful husband and that he is the most important thing. It just seems like sometime infertility permeates every part of your life, even parts you didn’t think it would affect. Besides the obvious such as the fact that we completely maxed out our credit cards and spent our savings on countless rounds of Clomid cycles and pre-IF testing, besides the fact that we had to buy a “modular” home because we didn’t want to have too high of a house payment so we could save money for the IVF. Don’t get me wrong, our house is very nice, brand new and definitely enough room but it is not the same. We don’t own the land, only the house. The not so obvious things that have been affected by the IF is the fact that I no longer enjoy scrapbooking. I have a huge collection on scrapbooking items and a half finished scrapbook. The problem is, I have nothing to scrapbook about. I began making a scrapbook of me & DH when we got married so that I could show it to our children. It begins with the picture from our first date all the way until our wedding and then stops because there is nothing else to scrapbook about. I don’t know about you but a scrapbook full of headings like “Here is Shawn and I waiting in the waiting room at the fertility clinic” or “Here is Shawn and I on Christmas where we got the news of yet another “accidental” teenage pregnancy” or “Here is me with all of the extra weight I have gained because of the fertility treatments” just don’t sound too appealing. Anyway, the point I was trying to make at the beginning of all of this before I went off on a tangent is that I don’t have any female friends to talk to. I don’t have anyone who can relate to my situation, someone I can have lunch with without fear of having nothing to talk about. DH and I made friends with another couple and we enjoyed doing stuff together for a while. Then they became pregnant and disappeared off the face of the earth. It was almost like they were afraid to be around us, too afraid to hurt our feelings. Now every time we ask them to do something they make excuses. We haven’t seen them since they found out they were pregnant. So, I guess to make a long story short I am so glad that I have found all of you to share my feelings with.

Lastly, I got a letter in the mail from my RE’s office with the details for the IVF cycle including the amount of the deposit and all, but it didn’t come out and say whether the referral was approved or not. So I called my financial coordinator this morning and left a message. I am hoping that this means that Kaiser approved my IVF referral. Keep your fingers crossed!

Again, sorry that my posts are always so disjointed, I have a lot to say but sometimes it doesn’t always flow together so, I just slap it on the page. I will update when I hear something from my RE’s office.

The Flu

The Flu: No, not me! My Dh came down with the flu this week! My poor baby is very very sick and I feel so bad I had to leave him at home today. He stayed home Tuesday because he didn't feel well and called me around 3:30 saying that he caoucn't get out of bed and was shivering. He was also complaining that his body ached really bad. So I went in and told my boss I was going to go home. He looked at me like I was crazy because I was going to go home because my husband was sick. My dh never gets sick and he is not a complainer so I know that when he says he doesn't feel well he must really feel awful. When I got home Dh was laying in bed, shivering and covered in sweat. He was burning hot. I took his tempreature which was 102.5. I realized that I had no groceries in the house because we were supposed to go grocery shopping that night. The only vehicle we own is a stick and I can't drive it. So I had to call my FIL to come and take me to the grocery store so I could get some sick-friendly food. While I am getting Dh some tylenol and seeing to him one of my cats decides to throw up in the hallway, simultaniously the other is busy pooping on the floor in front of the litter box. So, while I am literally mopping sweat off of dh I have to clean the throw up in that hallway and clean the poop off the floor. Dh was as sick as I have ever seen him. I had to try so hard not to cry because I hated seeing him in so much pain. I stayed home with him yesterday and I honestly don't care if my boss thinks I'm crazy for staying home to take care of my husband. My boss is getting his wisdom teeth pulled today and says he is coming in to work afterwards. Sheesh! I did leave my Dh at home today because I didn't want to take any more time off of work but he still had a fever when I left this morning. I am so scared I am going to catch the flu. I slept on the couch and washed everything so hopefully I wont get sick!

On the IF Front: I want to apologize for not commenting as much on your blogs. I still do read them but I just can't find the words right now. I am in that waiting period and I don't even know for sure what we will be doing (as far as IUI v. IVF.) It is in the hands of my insurance company at this point. I just came off of a 2 year break, did one cycle, and then went on another break. So I have nothing to report on the IF front and I find myself not knowing what to say to others as well. I am tired of all the waiting. If we will be doing IVF I wont be able to start until March because I have to wait to be able to cash in my 401k in the end of Feb. I feel like the whole IF world will be moving on without me. Don't get me wrong, I hope all of you do "move on" but at this point I'm just not sure what's going to happen next. I guess this is my feeble attempt to explain why I haven't been around as much as usual. I mean this is an infertility blog right? No one wants to hear about my personal life. But sorry folks, that is all I have to offer at this time. So please bear with me and hang around because I promise that eventually I will have something to report on the IF front.

Taxes: After doing our taxes the other day DH and I realized that we will be getting much more back than usual this time! We wtill have to enter the money we paid on our student loans but so far it looks good. We are wondering how to spend the money now. Obviously, the resposible thing to do would be to put it in savings and use it towards the IVF. But, we need a new TV desperately. Our TV goes back about once an hour and you have to literally bea thte crap out of it to get it to come back on. We really want an HD tv but we are hesitant to spend the $600 plus on it. I don't want people around us who have helped us so much with our yardsales and all to see that we bought a new HDTV. I dont want people to think that we are selfish or anything. The thing is, we have given up so many luxuries to save money for IF treatments. We have not been on a real vacation since our honeymoon, we haven't bought anything for ourselves or the house, we don't even buy new clothes. I wear the same two pairs of pants to work every week and alternate between three shirts because my clothes are starting to fall apart because I wear them and wash them too much. Don't get me wrong, we have money, we just are afraid to spend it on ourselves. I finally broke down and ordered three pairs of pants and two tops online this week. We have money to do these things we are just worried that we will need it for the IVF. As a result we are living well under our means. So, part of me rationalizes that we have every right to treat ourselves to a small luxery. Plus it wont take all of our refund and we can put the rest in the bank. I'm not sure yet what we will do.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. I will be back to post once I think of something to post about.

Take Two

Well I’m back…again…for the second time today. I think I have made a decision. I want to do one more cycle of IUI/injectables. Just so that I know that I tried my very best. I know I am going against medical advice but it won’t be the first time and probably not the last. I like my doctor and I trust his judgment and I do understand why he wants to move on to IVF. But I just feel like I have to try once more. I’m not really sure how DH feels, he says he agrees with me but I know he is eager to start IVF. I called my RE’s office and spoke to my nurse who said my doctor agreed to do one more FSH cycle. She said that they “changed my protocol from IVF to IUI.” I think they kind of forgot that my insurance company was insisting that I do FSH/IUI first and that I seriously doubt that one cycle would have been enough for them. It’s not like I could have just started an IVF cycle, I would have needed to get a referral. She said that during this cycle they will begin the process of requesting the IVF referral. I really do hope that two cycles of IUI/FSH will be enough for my insurance. I remember when I called that they told me they have a “chart” that they go by that tells them how many cycles of each and in which order have to be done before moving on(which I think is totally insane to begin with.) I do feel like I am being a bother to my doctor but ultimately it is my body and my decision. I did also want to explain (although I don’t know why I feel the need to explain my feelings) why moving on to IVF is so hard for me and why I am always “looking ahead.” I realize that focusing on the here and now is the most healthy way to look at things but when it involves your finances and your way of life it is hard to do that. I have always been a “planner” and I have always thought ahead when making decisions. I have also always been a “worrier.” I feel like I have to prepare myself for the worst and that way it won’t hurt as much when it happens. I’m not saying this is the best way of thinking, I’m just saying that this is how I am. I also look at IVF a lot differently than I used to. Back when we first started all of these IF treatments I wished that we could just move straight to IVF. It seemed like the best option and the one to maximize chances for success. I always thought that if I had to do IVF so what, at least I would be doing the very best and most high-tech procedure. I never really realized how final IVF is until it is here staring me in the face. I suppose if I was wealthy or had wealthy relatives it wouldn’t scare me so much. But, we are just a normal middle class couple who have debts like most people and unfortunately have family who is not in the position to help as much as they would like. So, while I realize I may be “getting ahead of myself” a bit, I have to be realistic about what the very near future may hold for us. I can’t responsibly “see what happens” and then go from there, or “worry about it when it comes” I’m just not that type of person. I think that mostly every woman, when faced with the thought of the end of their journey to have a biological child, have some sort of anxiety or fear. I think it is only normal. I am not saying it is over for us by any means. I am just saying that at this time and place we are only able to do one cycle of IUI/injectables, one IVF, and possibly one FET. It could definitely be all it takes and I hope that it is, but I can’t help but think of the what if’s. If anyone has a suggestion for how not to think about the future then I am all ears. I guess I am trying for some reason to justify my feelings because I had a few people (not anyone on here) today tell me to “stop worrying about what hasn’t happened yet.” I wish I could, I really do. Maybe some people can do that, just “worry about it when it happens” but I am not one of them. I feel like mostly everything I am feeling is totally normal when it comes to someone with IF, but I could be wrong. I also feel that the guilt is normal as well. I can’t help but feel guilty because I am the one with “the problem” and the one that is keeping us from having a family. I know that dh doesn’t feel that way and he loves me no matter what but it doesn’t make the guilt any less. I guess the bottom line is that I have had some people make me feel like crap today, like I was overreacting or worrying for no reason and since I cant possibly tell them how I really feel I decided to come on here and vent. I don’t expect everyone to understand my situation. Someone who doesn’t know what it is like can’t possibly understand but it doesn’t make it any easier to listen to their insensitive comments. How is it appropriate to tell someone that they shouldn’t feel a certain way? Well, I think I have vented enough for one day. I hope I didn’t offend anyone. I’m not saying this is how all women dealing with IF should feel and I’m not putting down people who have the money to do treatment after treatment or saying that if you have money IF is less painful, just putting things in perspective as it relates to my situation. I love reading all of your comments and I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t say what they want to say. I always love advice even if it isn’t what I want to hear. I love to hear what you think I should do or what you did, I just can’t get used to people telling me I shouldn’t be feeling a certain way (again no one on here.)

As far as my treatment plan goes, I go in for my baseline u/s tomorrow (she told me no b/w this time..whooohoo.) As long as there is no cysts I will begin the Follistim 75iu again and go back on Saturday for another u/s & b/w to check the progress. My nurse did sound kind of irritated that I was going against my doctors advice but oh well. I just hope that he puts his full energy into this cycle even though it is not what he wanted to do. I promise all of my entries won’t be this serious as I am really not a serious person, but every now and then I do have some feelings lurking in there somewhere!

Sorry...

Sorry for running off in the middle of a post but I had to leave. Here is what I was trying to say in a disjointed sort of way. My nurse told me that my RE believed that it would be "irresponsible medicine" to continue to do the IUI/Injectables. She said because I have been through 9 treatment cycles total with them with no pregnancy. He believes that my chances for success on the first time with IVF are in the 70% range because I am young..blah..blah. My concern is that out of those nine cycles I only ovulated a handful of times. I guess what I am trying to say is that a normal couple can take up to 12 months to conceive, thats ovulating 12 times. Since I only ovulated about four times total (we did 1 TI and 3 IUIs) thats like only trying for four months. I do understand what he is saying. He said he doesnt think it is fair to put my body through this anymore and that his goal is to get me pregnant, not just to make me ovulate. I knew from the beginning that he was against doing the IUI/injectable cycles anyway but because my insurance insisted he agreed. I honestly don't know whether one cycle will be enough for them to approve the IVF. My way of thinking is that we should do one last cycle of injectables/IUI which I was only planning on doing two of anyway, and while we are finishing this cycle put in the request for the referral for the IVF. It shouldn't take them long because I have had all of the testing. We have just gotten off a 2+ year break and I don't want to take any more time off. I figure we might as well do something proactive while we wait for the referral. But then I think that we could be wasting money that we could be using for an FET if the IVF doesn't work. As it stands now, we have enough money to do one round of IUI, one fresh IVF, and one FET. Honestly, I am scared to move on to IVF. The finality of it all scares me. What if I dont stimulate enough and they cancel the cycle. We wont have enough money to try again. I hate to keep talking about money but the reality of it is that we are not made of money. Both dh and I grew up in families that were not well off. I have over 40k in student loans and dh has about 12k. We have a mortgage, a car payment and various other bills. We cannot refinance our house because the company that bought our mortgage has apparently paid off every other company not to refinance their mortgages and they don't do refinancing. We worked so hard to raise the money for IVF to begin with. We had yard sales where people donated items for us to sell, and we also had a very generous donation from a relative. It just scares me that after all of that we most likely only have enough to do one round of IVF. I'm not even sure how much the meds cost. It is scary to think that we may be approaching the end of the road for us. I am not ready to give up this dream but I feel that if the IVF fails it may be time to give it up, at least for the time being. We would need to spend the next couple of years raising funds again to pay for an adoption only to have to wait a few years for the adoption to go through. I know I'm getting ahead of myself here, but the fact that we may only have one or two more shots to become biological parents scares me. I wish I could do the shared risk, but unfortunately 25k would be impossible to come up with. The bottom line is I cant cash in my 401k until late February so what is the harm of doing one more injectable cycle..right? My RE is supposed to call me himself today, until then, please pray that I will have to wisdom to make the right decision and for me not to focus so much on the finality of it all. Also, please pray that I deal with these feelings of guilt that I am having for not being able to make my sweet dh a daddy. :(

It just hit me today…

…how close we are to beginning this process, and honestly, I’m scared to death. I think I have been fine for the most part up until now, but as it gets closer the more emotional I get. I so want this to be it for us. I can’t help but think about how we only have enough money for one, maybe two cycles and that’s it for now. I can’t help but think about how this is the last shot. If this doesn’t work there is no other option for us. I have so many things running through my mind at one time. I don’t know how I am going to survive the stress of the IVF cycle let alone more than one. I know I will find the strength though. So many times throughout this IF journey I was sure there was no way I would get through it, and somehow I did. I can’t help but think how unfair it is that some of us have to go through such heartache to have a baby. We have been TAB for so long that I could ignore all of those old feelings that IF brought about. But now that we are starting again they are all coming back. I am so worried that my PCOS is going to complicate things and cause cancelled cycles. What if they still can’t get me to stimulate? I know these are all normal feelings but sometimes it seems like I am all alone. I know my friends and family have been so supportive but deep down inside I can’t help but wonder whether they really understand. Do they really know the deep emotional pain the IF causes? Do they know what it does to your self esteem, especially when you add PCOS to the mix? Do they really understand what it is like to not be able to do what so many other women do so easily? Shawn and I have very few friends to begin with. When we got married we grew apart from our single friends. But now it’s hard to make friends our age because they move on to have children and it seems that they pull away. I’m not sure why, maybe because they don’t feel like they have anything in common with us, or maybe because being around us makes them feel like they are making us uncomfortable. So, here I am feeling all alone like no one understands how I am feeling. I know that is not true. I know that unfortunately there are many other couples going through what we are going through. I am still waiting for my GYN to answer my e-mail about clearing me for the IVF due to my medications. I’m starting to wonder if she ever got the e-mail and I think I will call her today. Thanks for reading my blah blog today, I promise, it wont always be this depressing!