Ugh!!

Okay, I began typing this post and was half way through when I accidentally hit a key on my keyboard and reset the browser! This is how my day has been going so far! First, it's snowing/freezing rain outside so everything is closed (besides my work that is.) Then when I get to the RE's office the girl who normally takes my blood tells the other girl there that she can take my blood today (because I am known for having difficult veins.) So, after three sticks in three different locations and moving the needle around inside my arm the girl, who is almost in tears, gives up and the other one ends up having to take blood from my wrist (which is pretty painful.) It took them a half hour to get one vial of blood from me. Then they proceed to congratulate me on a positive beta. Huh? I just looked at them and said, "uh thanks, but it wasn't good." Then when I went out to pay the girl behind the counter asked "are you pregnant?" How am I supposed to answer that? She said she heard that I was pregnant. Now, I realize that I have been goign there for almost four years and that everyone there knows me but geez, talk about rumors. I told her that I had a positive beta but it wasn't a good number. Then the windshield wiper on our car breaks because of all of the ice so DH stops at Wal-Mart to get a new one. Then we stopped at McDonalds to get breakfast. I had my jacket on my lap and I set the bag on top of my jacket only to find that when I got to work that my jacket was completely soaked with grease! So I had to wear Dh's huge jacket to work. Of corse I got here 20 minutes late to find out that most of the other paralegals called out of work.

I finally cried a little about this whole situation on my way in to work. I'm not even sure why I was crying except for the fact that I already had a shitty day after being poked so many times. Then I kept on thinking about what could have been. If it had only worked differently how amazing and what a miracle it would have been. How amazing would it have been to have made a baby the old fashioned way? The way we are supposed to do it? I know it doesn't matter how the baby is made but I guess I almost got a glimpse of what it was like to be a "normal" couple. You know, oops we got pregnant! How wonderful would it have been to not have to spend our entire savings on one shot at trying to have a baby? Anyway, it doesn't matter, whats done is done. I am blessed that it happened this way instead of getting a good beta, seeing rising numbers and even a heartbeat to have it all taken away like so many of you have. I should be happy that I didn't have to go through that. I don't really feel like I need time to grieve because you can't grieve for something you never knew you had, I just need to stop trying to think of what could have been. I am so tired because I haven't been sleeping well and I have had so much on my mind. I need a weekend where I don't spend it cleaning, doing laundry and cooking. I need a Sunday where I don't spend all day at church. We have youth group this weekend and I don't feel like doing it.

I feel bad for Dh, he keeps apologizing. He says I am going through a lot but I don't feel like I have any right to claim I am "going through a lot." He says I'm not giving myself permission to be sad and to rest but why should I? I mean, what do you even call this thing? Is it a loss if you never really had it? I have always felt like I have to be the strong one, as I am sure you all know by now. And when I do get sad or upset I get angry at myself for being so weak. I think it has a lot to do with my father being a military man. He was always telling me when I was young to be strong, don't cry. I have carried that attitude into my adulthood and even on my father's deathbed when I sat there and held his hand and knew that it was the last time I would ever see him I didn't cry. It's not good to let your emotions bottle up like that though, I know that deep inside. You have to allow yourself to feel the feelings you feel and that is what I am going to try to do here. I'm going to curl up on the couch tonight and read a book while I let Dh do the dishes and clean like he asked me to let him do. I'm going to let him take care of me like he offered to do.

Well, I guess that is about it. Please pray that my beta is at zero so I can move on from this. Please also pray that af shows quickly. I wonder what a "natural" af feels like? I have never ovulated without medical assistance so I wonder if it will be different? I will obviously update when my nurse calls. Thanks for all the kind words, you all are the best!

**Edited to add: I just got a call from my nurse and my number went back down to zero. I am relieved that it is finally over. She said to wait a couple of days for AF to show up because she thinks it will but if it doesn't to take the provera and give her a call on day 1 of AF to start the BCPs. I called DH and he sounded more bummed than he has throughout this whole thing. I think deep down inside he was still hoping for a miracle. I am going to take this weekend to let myself grieve and relax. I can't express the gratitude I fell for all of you and your wonderful supportive comments. I truly dont know what I would do without all of you. All of you are truly a blessing from God and I am so lucky to have met you!

In Limbo

Well, I wish I had more to say but, just the same as yesterday I am in limbo waiting until tomorrows beta results. I just want it to be over honestly. I want to know what is going on. I am also curious that if this is a chemical or a miscarriage (which I am sure it is due to the low number) when will af arrive? How long does it usually take? Does this mean I am going to have to wait another month to start or can I still start the bcp after af arrives? Can I still bring on AF with the provera? Well, I am hoping that I will get an answer either way tomorrow. All the things I have found by consulting Dr. Google tell me that this number is not normal for 5 weeks 5 days which is what I would be. In fact, I couldn't even find anyone who had a number that low at this time. Leave it to me to be the weirdo! I still feel like I am in a dream. Never in all of the years I have been doing treatment and all of the betas I have had have I ever gotten anything other than "it's negative." I really wish that whatever happened in there (whether it be that the egg just fertilized but didn't implant or whether it just stopped growing) would have turned out differently. How amazing would that be if after all of this we would have gotten such a suprise? But, I know that God's plan is the best plan and for whatever reason this "experience" (I refuse to mention the p-word because I don't qualify this as the p-word) wasn't meant to last. Again, thank you for commenting. I really do look forward to reading your comments. I will update tomorrow when I hear something.

What to think…

Well, I went to my RE’s this morning to get my u/s & b/t for bringing on AF and starting the birth control for my IVF cycle. Went like a normal scan, I don’t remember my lining number but she said it is definitely thick enough to have an AF. Right ovary was quiet other than the usual PCOS stuff and left ovary was hard to find as always. They gave me a script for the provera and told me they would call me later. My nurse just called and told me they had some “interesting results.” She said my beta came back at a 9. Huh? A 9? First of all, this is totally not what I expected to hear at all. Second of all, I hate to admit this but I don’t remember when the last time DH and I had sex but I KNOW it was more than 2 weeks ago. At least three weeks ago (what can I say? The libido isn’t really there after years of IF.) I am cd39 right now. So, from what I gather this is most likely a miscarriage although I never knew I was pregnant. I don’t see how it was a chemical pregnancy because don’t those end soon after fertilization? Since we haven’t done the deed on over three weeks you would think that if it was chemical the numbers would be back to zero by now…right? I don’t know, all I know is that this news definitely threw me for a tailspin. So, of course I cannot start my provera and I have to go back on Friday for a repeat beta. What the heck? I asked her what a number of nine can mean, she said either they caught it really early or I am about to miscarry. Is it possible to have a beta of 9 and not be pregnant at all, maybe like a false positive or something? I cant tell you that when they looked at my lining this morning I did not see anything that wasn’t supposed to be there (not that I really know what to look for but I have been seeing the inside of an “empty” womb for a long time, you think I would notice if something different was there.) The bottom line is that I am virtually certain that there is no way I can be pregnant due to the length of time since our last BD and the low beta number. DH says he thinks it shows that my body can sort of do something right but this opens me up to a whole other realm of fears. What if I have added miscarriages to my list of problems? Then I feel like maybe I did something to cause this. I have been exercising like crazy for the past couple of weeks, what if I caused this because I didn’t know? Anyway, I’m not really feeling too sad about it or anything. Maybe that makes me a bad person but I guess because I didn’t know or anything and I wasn’t expecting anything. Ugh! Leave it to me to have a screwy result! Any comments would be appreciated and please don’t make fun of my non-existent sex life!