Randomness

Hello there! Sorry I have been MIA for a while. I mean, I haven’t really had a lot to say and my internet connection at work has been screwy. I guess I really don’t have much to write about. It took me two hours to make the usual half hour trip home from work yesterday which was not fun at all! Luckily I had enough sense to use the bathroom before I left.

Anyway, the good news is that I am planning a 30th birthday party for DH. We have decided to do it at the church fellowship hall and we will have a DJ too! The theme will be 1970s. It should be fun and I am already having a lot of fun planning it. If anyone has any suggestions for the party I am all ears.

I wonder if it is normal for a woman who is going through infertility to lose most of her female friends. What I mean is; I don’t really have any close female friends anymore. I love my DH and he is by far my best friend. I love doing things with him and I love spending time with him. But, I am craving female companionship. I don’t have any close friends who can truly relate to my situation. I have stopped talking to all of my friends from high school because we are not in the same place in our lives. Half of them are unmarried and living the single life hard core which includes sleeping around with everything in site. The other half of them is married and have a couple of kids. I realize that people aren’t always in the same situation in their lives as their friends but it makes it very hard to find things to talk about when you have absolutely nothing in common. My 10 year high school reunion is coming up and I am definitely not going. I find myself looking at the myspace pages of all of those people I went to high school with and it makes me sad. Its not that I don’t appreciate what I have it’s just that I can’t help but look at what other people have and think that they have done better than me. I know that is an awful thing to say and no Christian at all but it’s sometimes how I feel. I see that they live in a bigger house than me, they have more money than me, the have kids, etc. I know it is awful to feel this way and I am by no means saying that I don’t appreciate what I have. I know that I have been blessed with such a wonderful husband and that he is the most important thing. It just seems like sometime infertility permeates every part of your life, even parts you didn’t think it would affect. Besides the obvious such as the fact that we completely maxed out our credit cards and spent our savings on countless rounds of Clomid cycles and pre-IF testing, besides the fact that we had to buy a “modular” home because we didn’t want to have too high of a house payment so we could save money for the IVF. Don’t get me wrong, our house is very nice, brand new and definitely enough room but it is not the same. We don’t own the land, only the house. The not so obvious things that have been affected by the IF is the fact that I no longer enjoy scrapbooking. I have a huge collection on scrapbooking items and a half finished scrapbook. The problem is, I have nothing to scrapbook about. I began making a scrapbook of me & DH when we got married so that I could show it to our children. It begins with the picture from our first date all the way until our wedding and then stops because there is nothing else to scrapbook about. I don’t know about you but a scrapbook full of headings like “Here is Shawn and I waiting in the waiting room at the fertility clinic” or “Here is Shawn and I on Christmas where we got the news of yet another “accidental” teenage pregnancy” or “Here is me with all of the extra weight I have gained because of the fertility treatments” just don’t sound too appealing. Anyway, the point I was trying to make at the beginning of all of this before I went off on a tangent is that I don’t have any female friends to talk to. I don’t have anyone who can relate to my situation, someone I can have lunch with without fear of having nothing to talk about. DH and I made friends with another couple and we enjoyed doing stuff together for a while. Then they became pregnant and disappeared off the face of the earth. It was almost like they were afraid to be around us, too afraid to hurt our feelings. Now every time we ask them to do something they make excuses. We haven’t seen them since they found out they were pregnant. So, I guess to make a long story short I am so glad that I have found all of you to share my feelings with.

Lastly, I got a letter in the mail from my RE’s office with the details for the IVF cycle including the amount of the deposit and all, but it didn’t come out and say whether the referral was approved or not. So I called my financial coordinator this morning and left a message. I am hoping that this means that Kaiser approved my IVF referral. Keep your fingers crossed!

Again, sorry that my posts are always so disjointed, I have a lot to say but sometimes it doesn’t always flow together so, I just slap it on the page. I will update when I hear something from my RE’s office.

Update (Well, Sort Of)

My nurse called from my RE's office. She hasn't heard from the financial coordinator yet regarding whether the IVF referral was approved. She said she hoped to hear something by tomorrow. So, as of now I am still in limbo. She said they already have an approval for another round of injectables. So, no update as of yet. I will keep you posted!

What's the Plan?

Yep. That's what I am asking myself now. I am on CD23 of the rest cycle and I am calling my RE thismorning to find out whether my insurance company has aggreed to let us move on to IVF. I think I am in a good place emotionally to deal with which ever answer they give. If they want me to do one more cycle of injectables I will, if they want me to move on to IVF I will do that too. I think it has been all too obvious that I can't make up my mind whether I want to move on to IVf or do another injectable/IUI round, so I figure I will let my crappy insurance company make the decision for me. So, expect an update hopefully today with what the plan will be.

In other news, we bought the TV! I'm so glad we did! It felt so good to treat ourselves to something nice. We got a 32" HD LCD tv. It just barely fits into our entertainment center so I'm glad we didn't go any bigger. We also got a direct tv DVR to go with it. We have direct tv already but we were using the Tivo DVR. It was cheaper to go with the Direct TV DVR. I was so used to Tivo I think it will take some getting used to but hopefully I will get used to it. We also had to get a new sattelite which was a free upgrade. The Direct TV guy came yesterday to trade out our satellites. He looked absolutely terrified! I'm hoping he was new and that DH and I just aren't terrifying people. I was kind of afraid because he seemed so scared that he was going to mess something up but he did fine. The picture is beautiful! DH got to see the super bowl in HD which made him a happy camper. As for the super bowl, I was rooting for the Giants although in the end I didn't care who won but I HATE the Patriots (sorry Patriots fans!) I always root for the under dog.

DH is finally starting to feel better. His fever broke on Friday and now he just has a slight sore throat and his voice is scratchy. I missed my fun loving DH! It just made me realize how much joy he brings into my life. He truly can turn my day around just by smiling at me or saying something sweet. And, I actually missed his little jokes even though sometimes they annoy me. I'm hoping that I wont get sick. I'm thinking that I would have gotten sick by now.

Well, I guess that is about it for now. I will update when I hear something from my RE's office. Now, I will leave you with a little good clean humor:

Last in Line:

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too" Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY

Blessed are the Cracked,
For they are the Ones
Who let in the Light!

Here's to all of my cracked sisters out there, lets all let in the light!

The Flu

The Flu: No, not me! My Dh came down with the flu this week! My poor baby is very very sick and I feel so bad I had to leave him at home today. He stayed home Tuesday because he didn't feel well and called me around 3:30 saying that he caoucn't get out of bed and was shivering. He was also complaining that his body ached really bad. So I went in and told my boss I was going to go home. He looked at me like I was crazy because I was going to go home because my husband was sick. My dh never gets sick and he is not a complainer so I know that when he says he doesn't feel well he must really feel awful. When I got home Dh was laying in bed, shivering and covered in sweat. He was burning hot. I took his tempreature which was 102.5. I realized that I had no groceries in the house because we were supposed to go grocery shopping that night. The only vehicle we own is a stick and I can't drive it. So I had to call my FIL to come and take me to the grocery store so I could get some sick-friendly food. While I am getting Dh some tylenol and seeing to him one of my cats decides to throw up in the hallway, simultaniously the other is busy pooping on the floor in front of the litter box. So, while I am literally mopping sweat off of dh I have to clean the throw up in that hallway and clean the poop off the floor. Dh was as sick as I have ever seen him. I had to try so hard not to cry because I hated seeing him in so much pain. I stayed home with him yesterday and I honestly don't care if my boss thinks I'm crazy for staying home to take care of my husband. My boss is getting his wisdom teeth pulled today and says he is coming in to work afterwards. Sheesh! I did leave my Dh at home today because I didn't want to take any more time off of work but he still had a fever when I left this morning. I am so scared I am going to catch the flu. I slept on the couch and washed everything so hopefully I wont get sick!

On the IF Front: I want to apologize for not commenting as much on your blogs. I still do read them but I just can't find the words right now. I am in that waiting period and I don't even know for sure what we will be doing (as far as IUI v. IVF.) It is in the hands of my insurance company at this point. I just came off of a 2 year break, did one cycle, and then went on another break. So I have nothing to report on the IF front and I find myself not knowing what to say to others as well. I am tired of all the waiting. If we will be doing IVF I wont be able to start until March because I have to wait to be able to cash in my 401k in the end of Feb. I feel like the whole IF world will be moving on without me. Don't get me wrong, I hope all of you do "move on" but at this point I'm just not sure what's going to happen next. I guess this is my feeble attempt to explain why I haven't been around as much as usual. I mean this is an infertility blog right? No one wants to hear about my personal life. But sorry folks, that is all I have to offer at this time. So please bear with me and hang around because I promise that eventually I will have something to report on the IF front.

Taxes: After doing our taxes the other day DH and I realized that we will be getting much more back than usual this time! We wtill have to enter the money we paid on our student loans but so far it looks good. We are wondering how to spend the money now. Obviously, the resposible thing to do would be to put it in savings and use it towards the IVF. But, we need a new TV desperately. Our TV goes back about once an hour and you have to literally bea thte crap out of it to get it to come back on. We really want an HD tv but we are hesitant to spend the $600 plus on it. I don't want people around us who have helped us so much with our yardsales and all to see that we bought a new HDTV. I dont want people to think that we are selfish or anything. The thing is, we have given up so many luxuries to save money for IF treatments. We have not been on a real vacation since our honeymoon, we haven't bought anything for ourselves or the house, we don't even buy new clothes. I wear the same two pairs of pants to work every week and alternate between three shirts because my clothes are starting to fall apart because I wear them and wash them too much. Don't get me wrong, we have money, we just are afraid to spend it on ourselves. I finally broke down and ordered three pairs of pants and two tops online this week. We have money to do these things we are just worried that we will need it for the IVF. As a result we are living well under our means. So, part of me rationalizes that we have every right to treat ourselves to a small luxery. Plus it wont take all of our refund and we can put the rest in the bank. I'm not sure yet what we will do.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. I will be back to post once I think of something to post about.

Benched

Well, my nurse called and as I suspected they are functional cysts therefore I can obviously not do any stims this month. She told me I don’t need to go on BCPs though. I guess since I don’t ovulate they aren’t worried that they will grow? Anyway, in the meantime I asked her if she could go ahead and start the process for the IVF. She said my RE was already writing a letter to my insurance company as we speak. I think he is offended that they are using a “chart” to instead of trusting his medical recommendations. So, if my insurance gives an all clear looks like my next cycle will be an IVF cycle. In the meantime I am going to try to build back up our savings as much as we can. I am actually pretty excited about taking a short break which is odd considering we just came off of a 2+ year break and only did one cycle of treatments. So I am to wait 30 days for af to show up (which she wont because I don’t ever get her on my own) and then if no af I will go back in for an u/s just to make sure that the cysts have gone away. Then we will go from there. So, while I won’t really be blogging about too many things IF related I will try to come up with some things to blog about. So don’t fear I will still be blogging. Thanks for the comments and like I said before, I hope I didn’t scare anyone away with my craziness!

Cysts

Well, I went for my baseline today and I have one 4cm cyst on each ovary. They did some blood work and they will call me and let me know what to do but I am pretty sure that I will be sitting out this month. This explains the awful pain I have been having lately though. I am feeling much better today and more relaxed, which is off considering I may be benched this cycle. I can’t say it was a total shock though because I knew something was going on in there. I asked God last night for a sign that I was making the right decision to do another IUI cycle and this is what I get, so, does that mean he gave me a sign that I did NOT make the right decision? I have to think about it a little more. I have never had cysts this big so it must have something to do with the Follistim. I’m not even sure what they do for cysts to help them clear up. I am really suprised that I am not too bummed out, I mean I just got off of a 2 year break from ttc but for some reason another small break doesn't sound so bad. I have noticed a drop in the number of comments on my posts so I am hoping that my craziness hasn’t scared everyone away!

Take Two

Well I’m back…again…for the second time today. I think I have made a decision. I want to do one more cycle of IUI/injectables. Just so that I know that I tried my very best. I know I am going against medical advice but it won’t be the first time and probably not the last. I like my doctor and I trust his judgment and I do understand why he wants to move on to IVF. But I just feel like I have to try once more. I’m not really sure how DH feels, he says he agrees with me but I know he is eager to start IVF. I called my RE’s office and spoke to my nurse who said my doctor agreed to do one more FSH cycle. She said that they “changed my protocol from IVF to IUI.” I think they kind of forgot that my insurance company was insisting that I do FSH/IUI first and that I seriously doubt that one cycle would have been enough for them. It’s not like I could have just started an IVF cycle, I would have needed to get a referral. She said that during this cycle they will begin the process of requesting the IVF referral. I really do hope that two cycles of IUI/FSH will be enough for my insurance. I remember when I called that they told me they have a “chart” that they go by that tells them how many cycles of each and in which order have to be done before moving on(which I think is totally insane to begin with.) I do feel like I am being a bother to my doctor but ultimately it is my body and my decision. I did also want to explain (although I don’t know why I feel the need to explain my feelings) why moving on to IVF is so hard for me and why I am always “looking ahead.” I realize that focusing on the here and now is the most healthy way to look at things but when it involves your finances and your way of life it is hard to do that. I have always been a “planner” and I have always thought ahead when making decisions. I have also always been a “worrier.” I feel like I have to prepare myself for the worst and that way it won’t hurt as much when it happens. I’m not saying this is the best way of thinking, I’m just saying that this is how I am. I also look at IVF a lot differently than I used to. Back when we first started all of these IF treatments I wished that we could just move straight to IVF. It seemed like the best option and the one to maximize chances for success. I always thought that if I had to do IVF so what, at least I would be doing the very best and most high-tech procedure. I never really realized how final IVF is until it is here staring me in the face. I suppose if I was wealthy or had wealthy relatives it wouldn’t scare me so much. But, we are just a normal middle class couple who have debts like most people and unfortunately have family who is not in the position to help as much as they would like. So, while I realize I may be “getting ahead of myself” a bit, I have to be realistic about what the very near future may hold for us. I can’t responsibly “see what happens” and then go from there, or “worry about it when it comes” I’m just not that type of person. I think that mostly every woman, when faced with the thought of the end of their journey to have a biological child, have some sort of anxiety or fear. I think it is only normal. I am not saying it is over for us by any means. I am just saying that at this time and place we are only able to do one cycle of IUI/injectables, one IVF, and possibly one FET. It could definitely be all it takes and I hope that it is, but I can’t help but think of the what if’s. If anyone has a suggestion for how not to think about the future then I am all ears. I guess I am trying for some reason to justify my feelings because I had a few people (not anyone on here) today tell me to “stop worrying about what hasn’t happened yet.” I wish I could, I really do. Maybe some people can do that, just “worry about it when it happens” but I am not one of them. I feel like mostly everything I am feeling is totally normal when it comes to someone with IF, but I could be wrong. I also feel that the guilt is normal as well. I can’t help but feel guilty because I am the one with “the problem” and the one that is keeping us from having a family. I know that dh doesn’t feel that way and he loves me no matter what but it doesn’t make the guilt any less. I guess the bottom line is that I have had some people make me feel like crap today, like I was overreacting or worrying for no reason and since I cant possibly tell them how I really feel I decided to come on here and vent. I don’t expect everyone to understand my situation. Someone who doesn’t know what it is like can’t possibly understand but it doesn’t make it any easier to listen to their insensitive comments. How is it appropriate to tell someone that they shouldn’t feel a certain way? Well, I think I have vented enough for one day. I hope I didn’t offend anyone. I’m not saying this is how all women dealing with IF should feel and I’m not putting down people who have the money to do treatment after treatment or saying that if you have money IF is less painful, just putting things in perspective as it relates to my situation. I love reading all of your comments and I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t say what they want to say. I always love advice even if it isn’t what I want to hear. I love to hear what you think I should do or what you did, I just can’t get used to people telling me I shouldn’t be feeling a certain way (again no one on here.)

As far as my treatment plan goes, I go in for my baseline u/s tomorrow (she told me no b/w this time..whooohoo.) As long as there is no cysts I will begin the Follistim 75iu again and go back on Saturday for another u/s & b/w to check the progress. My nurse did sound kind of irritated that I was going against my doctors advice but oh well. I just hope that he puts his full energy into this cycle even though it is not what he wanted to do. I promise all of my entries won’t be this serious as I am really not a serious person, but every now and then I do have some feelings lurking in there somewhere!

Sorry...

Sorry for running off in the middle of a post but I had to leave. Here is what I was trying to say in a disjointed sort of way. My nurse told me that my RE believed that it would be "irresponsible medicine" to continue to do the IUI/Injectables. She said because I have been through 9 treatment cycles total with them with no pregnancy. He believes that my chances for success on the first time with IVF are in the 70% range because I am young..blah..blah. My concern is that out of those nine cycles I only ovulated a handful of times. I guess what I am trying to say is that a normal couple can take up to 12 months to conceive, thats ovulating 12 times. Since I only ovulated about four times total (we did 1 TI and 3 IUIs) thats like only trying for four months. I do understand what he is saying. He said he doesnt think it is fair to put my body through this anymore and that his goal is to get me pregnant, not just to make me ovulate. I knew from the beginning that he was against doing the IUI/injectable cycles anyway but because my insurance insisted he agreed. I honestly don't know whether one cycle will be enough for them to approve the IVF. My way of thinking is that we should do one last cycle of injectables/IUI which I was only planning on doing two of anyway, and while we are finishing this cycle put in the request for the referral for the IVF. It shouldn't take them long because I have had all of the testing. We have just gotten off a 2+ year break and I don't want to take any more time off. I figure we might as well do something proactive while we wait for the referral. But then I think that we could be wasting money that we could be using for an FET if the IVF doesn't work. As it stands now, we have enough money to do one round of IUI, one fresh IVF, and one FET. Honestly, I am scared to move on to IVF. The finality of it all scares me. What if I dont stimulate enough and they cancel the cycle. We wont have enough money to try again. I hate to keep talking about money but the reality of it is that we are not made of money. Both dh and I grew up in families that were not well off. I have over 40k in student loans and dh has about 12k. We have a mortgage, a car payment and various other bills. We cannot refinance our house because the company that bought our mortgage has apparently paid off every other company not to refinance their mortgages and they don't do refinancing. We worked so hard to raise the money for IVF to begin with. We had yard sales where people donated items for us to sell, and we also had a very generous donation from a relative. It just scares me that after all of that we most likely only have enough to do one round of IVF. I'm not even sure how much the meds cost. It is scary to think that we may be approaching the end of the road for us. I am not ready to give up this dream but I feel that if the IVF fails it may be time to give it up, at least for the time being. We would need to spend the next couple of years raising funds again to pay for an adoption only to have to wait a few years for the adoption to go through. I know I'm getting ahead of myself here, but the fact that we may only have one or two more shots to become biological parents scares me. I wish I could do the shared risk, but unfortunately 25k would be impossible to come up with. The bottom line is I cant cash in my 401k until late February so what is the harm of doing one more injectable cycle..right? My RE is supposed to call me himself today, until then, please pray that I will have to wisdom to make the right decision and for me not to focus so much on the finality of it all. Also, please pray that I deal with these feelings of guilt that I am having for not being able to make my sweet dh a daddy. :(

What the hell?

Okay, my nurse just called to tell me my beta was negative. Duh! Then she asked how many cycles of injectables my insurance company wanted us to do before approving IVF. I told her they didn’t give me an exact amount of cycles but they approved me initially for 24 visits so we have enough visits to do another round. I asked her why and she said because maybe we could move on to IVF. I asked her what my RE thought about doing another cycle with the injectables and she said that “it isn’t his preference.” She said he wants to move on to IVF, he wanted to go straight to IVF anyway but only agreed to do the injectables since my insurance company insisted. She said she was going to call my financial coordinator and see how many cycles I need to do before moving on and call me back. I didn’t know what to say so I said okay. The problem is, I’m confused. I understand that the injectable cycle didn’t get me pregnant but I did ovulate which is good. Everything went well with no major setbacks so I cannot understand why my doctor is so eager to move on to IVF. I am just a little concerned about why the rush for moving forward with IVF? We have enough money right now to do another round of injectables but we won’t have the money to do IVF until February when I can cash in my 401k. And even then we will only be able to afford ONE round of IVF, that’s it. We might be able to afford one round and an FET if we got lucky but that would be it. After that there would be no money left for anything. No money left to do any more treatments and no money left to pursue adoption. If DH got a job that had normal insurance then we could do more than one round due to Maryland mandate. But I am upset. I was all gung ho about skipping straight to IVF before but now that the injectable cycle actually made my body do something I am not so sure. I know tons of ladies including many of you with PCOS who conceived using injectable/IUI cycles. So why is my doctor so eager to move on. I realize that I have been on this TTC journey for many years, I realize I have done my full lifetime of Clomid cycles with no success (but I only ovulated a couple of times anyway.) If you look at the years of TTC alone (over five) it does looks as if we are getting to the end of the rope, but two of those years were breaks and most of the cycles were cancelled cycles. I am worried that this is becoming about money. Sure, I would love to do the shared risk but I don’t have $25k just lying around anywhere. My nurse did call back as I began writing this. She said the bottom line is that I did nine treatment cycles with their office total and that even though only a few of them were ovulatory it doesn’t seem like what they have been doing is working. She said my RE really thinks that IVF is the key and thinks the odds that the first try will work for us. That’s all fine and dandy but I am just not so sure. I mean doesn’t it take normal couples sometimes six months to a year to become pregnant? I haven’t even had six ovulatory cycles? She said that the doctor doesn’t think it is responsible medicine to continue doing these cycles with no positive outcome. She is going to have the RE call me tomorrow. I wish I could finish this post but I have to go home now. I will update tomorrow.