13dpIUI= whatever

I couldn't think of a title for this post so there you are. Well, I took another test this morning and another BFN. So, I made a decision I am taking myself off the Prometrium. I can't stand the side effects anymore. I have terrible heartburn 24/7, I have eaten more tums then I have ever had in my life! My face looks like a science experiment with all of the pimples. So I decided to stop taking it. Whats the point? I also ordered Pro*active yesterday. I have been wanting to get it for a while, maybe it will help clear up my face. But, all of this aside, for today at least, I am okay. I realize that this was just once cycle of injectables and that I did reach my "goal." I just wish it wasn't so expensive. I have been thinking about money a lot lately. When we move on to IVF we will only have enough money for one cycle, and that is with insurance paying half. After that we will have absolutely no savings to get another round of IVF or to move on to adoption. I am hoping by then DH will have another job that will cover IVF (which is mandated coverage in Maryland except for HMOs, which my sucky insurance company happens to be.) But, I realize that I can't get stressed about the future quite yet. I do wonder though if af does show up before Monday if I will still have to get the beta. I bet you I will, I mean makes total sense to spend another couple hundred on a pointless blood test, right? I also think that I may have some cysts. That's the only think that can explain the odd cramps I have been having and the fact that every time I move it hurts. Walking gives me dull cramps. So, I wouldn't be surprised if when I go in for my day3 they see some cysts and I have to sit out a cycle.

So, I am all ready to go for my weekend with the youth group. We are going to Rock 2008 if anyone is interested in where we are going. We take the kids every year. It is basically a Christian youth convention with Christian bands and speakers. The band this year is Salvador so it should be pretty good. It is usually a pretty amazing experience and the speakers always have a wonderful message that I can even apply to my life even though it is aimed at youth. So I am looking forward to some much needed prayer time. I spent last night packing and filling my MP3 player with awesome 80's music so I have something to listen to. The only think that sucks is that I have to spend the weekend not sleeping in the same bed with dh. But it is only two nights and I suppose I will live. The convention is in Ocean City and it is usually freezing by the ocean. But the hotel we are staying in has ice skating and an indoor pool so it should keep the kids busy on their free time. I just hope and pray that the kids are well behaved as sometimes they can be royal brats!

Well, that's about it for today. I wish I had more to say but I am exhausted and I feel like I am coming down with a chest cold of some kind. I will be back to posting on Monday and will include some pictures of the weekend if I see anything interesting to take pictures of (most likely NOT my fat self so don't get excited!) Thanks for all the comments, you are the bestest!

Another BFN (12dpIUI)

Well you read right ladies, I took another HPT yesterday morning at 11dpIUI and got another BFN. I'm okay with it, I know its still early but something tells me that this cycle wasn't the one. Call it intuition, whatever you want to call it, I just have that feeling. So after my negative HPT I decided to stay home from work and have a relaxing day. My relaxing turned out to be quite boring actually. I was planning on staying home and lounging around and reading or playing or the computer. I played on the computer in the morning but became bored, so then I read for a couple of hours and got bored of that too. So I ended up doing laundry and cleaning the house, not my idea of a relaxing day off! Also, for some reason everything I try to cook lately hasn't turned out right. It started with a cheesecake I made last Tuesday. Now, I am a pro at cheesecakes and my MIL always tells me I make the best cheesecake she has ever tasted (that's pretty good coming from MIL who I call Betty Crocker.) For some reason the cheesecake I made on Thursday turned out horrible. The Brownie on the bottom was too hard and it just didn't taste as good. I made it the exact same way I always do. Then last night I made a broccoli and cheese ring on my pizza stone. Once again, I made it the same way I always do but it still didn't taste right. Then I made a cherry pie for dessert and even though the crumb topping browned nicely when I cut into it the pastry on the bottom was not cooked. I don't know if there is something going on with my oven or what? So, I am hoping it is a fluke and that everything I cook from now on won't be either overcooked or undercooked.

Anyway, once again I want to apologize if I offended anyone with the parking space post the other day. Like I said, don't put too much stock into what I say as I am an infertile woman hopped up on hormones. I never promise that the things that I say are going to be rational. I do have one more thing to add to the list of annoyances though. This morning I was walking into the cafe in the bottom of our building to get breakfast and there was a lady walking a couple feet behind me. So, I opened the door stepped in and held the door for her. She immediately walked in front of me and got in line. I mean, am I just insane or is it rude to bypass someone who was there before you who waited for you and held the door for you? Then she took forever deciding what to order! But, its all good because I had a chuckle when I noticed the had a sticker stuck to her butt!

I also forgot to take my morning dose of the po*ochie pill (Prometrium.) By the time I remembered I decided to just skip it and do my evening dose. About 5:00 until bedtime I had very intense cramps like AF was coming. This just convinces me more that I am not pregnant and that the Prometrium is what is keeping AF from arriving. I figure my body was reacting to the drop off of the hormone and I bet you anything that if I didn't do my dose today that AF would have showed up shortly. I will test one more time tomorrow morning as I am going out of town with a bunch of our youth group kids to a youth convention and I want to know how much of a bi*tch I need to be to them. I will also test Monday the day of my beta. That way there will be no surprise when the call comes in. At least I wont have to worry about getting AF while away for the weekend as I have never gotten AF while still taking the Prometrium. So, I am almost positive that this cycle is a bust but hey, I met my goal of ovulating and that is a start...right?

Lastly, I love all of your comments!!! Keep them coming! I am in the process of trying to organize my list on the side of my blog so if I have you in the wrong category or if I haven't added you yet I will try to do it soon. It's kinda hard when I am supposed to be working!

Pee Sticks and Parking Spots (10dpIUI)

Wondering about the title huh? I will start todays entry with a list of things that annoy me:

1) Having to answer the same question several times to several people. Dh had to pick me up from work yesterday because my fil who is my ride is out of town. So at 5:00 instead of leaving with the other paralegals and waiting in the lobby with nothing to do (because dh usually can't make it here until 5:15 or so) I decided to stay in my office and wait so I could surf the internet. I swear, every single person that walked past me asked me why I wasn't leaving. Now I know logically they were obviously curious because I always leave at 5 but it got really annoying to have to explain over and over again that fil was out of town and dh was picking me up.

2) Elevator stupidity! I work on the 25th floor so every day I see some odd elevator behavior on my ride down.
a) If the floor you are going to is already highlighted you don't need to push the button again. It doesn't make the doors shut faster and it isn't going to get you there any sooner.
b) holding the door close button while going down is not going to make the elevator not stop at any other floors. This never works but I see people do it every day. Plus, if it did work, what makes you so special that you feel that everyone on the lower floors shouldn't get onto the elevator but that you should be carried directly to your destination without interruption?
c) Holding the door for someone who is clearly not ready to get on thereby holding up everyone on the elevator. If they are not there and waiting or a couple steps away then you should not be holding the door for them.

3) Parking spots that say "Reserved for Pregnant Women or Families with Infants" I mean seriously, maybe this is just the infertile in me talking but why does a pregnant woman need a special parking spot? Pregnancy is not a crippling disease. I just feel like if you really have a need to park close then get a temporary handicap tag from your doctor. Dh and I parked in one of those spots last night and I felt damn good about it. I felt like somehow I was conquoring the fertile world! Sorry if I offended any of you here but just remember that I am a bitter infertile and may be slightly insane so dont take offense too much.

4) Did you know that apparently they no longer sell HPTs in grocery stores? Addmitedly it has been a looong time since I have taken one but I always used to get them at the grocery store. We went to three grocery stores in our area and none of them carry HPTs. They carry diapers, hemmeriod cream, pads, and vagisil, but no HPTs.

5) The places that do sell HPTs put them out in the open for all to see. Now, I am 27 years old and DH is 29, we have been married for five years, and have been TTC for five years but for some reason I am still embarrased to buy an HPT. I mean, since my whole small town knows exactly what part of our cycle we are on (I will get to that later) it would be nice if we could at least keep my pee stick addiction a secret. Sure enough, as I browsing the pee stick selection we did see someone we know.

6) People that giggle when you ask if they sell pregnancy tests. Seriously, this really did happen. DH and I went to the customer service counter at the third grocery store we tried because I thought maybe they changed the way HPTs looked since I have last used them and I was just missing them, or maybe they are in the cat food isle now or something. We asked the young girl behind the counter if they sold HPTs and she said no. As we were walking away the girl behind the counter and the woman waiting at the counter started giggling. What is so funny about two married adults looking for HPTs?

7) And the last thing that annoys me...negative HPTs. Yes you read it. DH talked me into taking a test LAST NIGHT. It was negative. I know its too early and I didn't even use FMU but whatever. I got it out of my system and now I am ready to wait until Thursday or Friday before
I take another.

So, there you have it, my list of annoying things. Feel free to add to it or make your own list. It's quite liberating actually. After my negative last night even though I knew that it was too early and I didn't use FMU I was still a little bummed. DH had to remind me of what my initial goal for this cycle was, to ovulate, which is not an easy feat for me. I know what I said my initial goal was but obviously I want to be pregnant too! These cycles aren't cheap and I am worried that we will depleat all of our savings right now and not be able to do IVF. But dh told me that if we got a negative that he would take me to the Melting Pot. Yay! I love that place. That makes me feel a little better. I have also made the decision that next cycle we will not be quite as open about exactly where we are in our cycle with everyone I know in my real life. While I am still the advocate for being open about infertility and raising public awareness I also think that people in my life are too involved. They now ask about every aspect, exactly where we are, when we are testing. So if I get a negative I am going to have to answer a million questions and if we get a positive there will be no hiding it. So, next cycle I am going to say yes, we are doing another cycle but that we would like to keep it a bit more private this time and we will let everyone know when we are ready. I hope no one thinks that I am backing out of my previous statements. I still believe 110% that we should be honest and open about infertility (if you feel comfortable doing so) and let everyone know that this is a real thing that happens to millions of couples and it shoulden't be regarded as a dirty little secret. I am not ashamed of the fact that I have PCOS and that I need medical assistance to get pregnant. Honestly, I tell everyone that asks. Why? Because most people have never heard of PCOS even though millions of women have it and don't even know it. BUT, I don't think that everyone in my home town needs to know the results of my latest u/s and exactly when we get our IUI. It's like telling your home town when you will be having s*ex. So lets hope no one I know has found this blog!!

I think I have bored you enough. I don't know why my posts are so long lately, I apologize. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for all of your comments and words of wisdom. I have decided not to go to the shower and to give my friend and her husband their gift in private. You all are the best! I am so gald I found a place to put all of my crazy thoughts!

I HATE the tww! (9dpiui)

And the obsession begins! I forgot what it felt like to be in the tww. I really don't miss this part of TTC at all! The thing is it has been so long since I got an IUI that I don't remember what my 2ww was like and this is my first 2ww after an injectable cycle so it could be totally different. For example, I have had some odd cramps since about 6 dpo. They don't happen all of the time, just every once in a while. I don't remember if this is something that happened in my tww before or not since it has been so long since I ovulated. I have been extremely emotional and crying a lot. I also don't remember if that is normal for me post o or not. The bottom line is that there are no "for sure" symtoms this early. Even though I know this logically it is still hard not to get my hopes up when I get these unusual cramps or twinges. I told myself, and probably all of you as well, that I would consider this cycle a success if I ovulated, that was my only goal. But, after a couple of thousad dollars later and actually achieving that covented "O" that is so rare for me I can't help but want more. Perhaps I am being greedy, and I am most definitly setting myself up for heartache. Being in the tww and getting eager to test brings back all of those old emotions that I remember so well with my other ovulatory cycles. I remember so well that eagerness to test and then that utter dispair when I saw the negative. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate negative HPTs! I hate them worse than AF showing up. However, with all of this being said I am trying to hold off as long as possible to test but I just don't know. I am feeling the urge to POAS soon and I don't know if any of you will be able to "talk me down from the ledge." My original plan was to begin testing on 10dpiui, again at 12dpiui and one last time at 14dpiui the morning of my beta. However, now that 10dpiui is tomorrow I am getting scared. I am feeling more positive about this cycle than I have about any other cycle (remember it has been a long while since I have even ovulated so I am going by what I remember.) Part of me thinks that it may be because this is a whole new treatment for me and that is why I am so "hopeful" and part of my thinks that maybe, just maybe I could be right. I'm not saying I "feel" pregnant or anything, I've never been pregnant in my whole life so I have no idea how it feels. What I'm saying is that I am unusually hopeful this cycle. I really wish I knew what it felt like to get a "normal" af so I would know whether I would normally get cramps this early before af. But, they are not constant cramps, just cramps I get a couple of times a day briefly, sort of like af cramps but they don't linger. Anyway, I know I definitely know I want to test before the weekend because we are leaving to take our youthgroup kids on a weekend retreat and I would like to test before then. My beta is on Monday which will actually put me at 16dpiui (not sure why they want me to wait until Monday anyway.) So, if you think you can talk me out of testing tomorrow morning go ahead and try, maybe it will work.

The other reason I want to test early will be the second part of my post. I have a friend who is having a baby shower on January 20th. Now, since we began this whole IF process I have managed to avoid baby showers with no problem. However, most of the baby showers I was invited to were either for people I was not terribly close with or people who had been very insensitive to my IF situation so I didn’t feel bad in declining. This friend however, while I don’t know if I would count her as a “close friend” had been nothing but supportive and understanding of this whole process. She called me herself to let me know that she was pregnant and was very sincere in saying that she didn’t want to hurt me. She always asks questions and is always checking up on us. She is much closer with my dh because they used to work together. He and her dh have been over to our house for dinner and we have gone out together. Anyway, I got an invitation to her baby shower which will be on January 20th. The RSVP date is January 10th. Now, there are a couple of reasons why I would not want to go to the baby shower. 1) I don’t know any of her friends. I wouldn’t know anyone there except for her and it would make it very awkward. 2) Which is the most obvious reason; if I get a BFN I definitely will not be wanting to go to a baby shower. There is however one reason why I would like to go; she has been so supportive and understanding and I don’t want to hurt her feelings by not attending. While I am okay with seeing her pregnant (it seems to only be those who I deem “unworthy” whose pregnant bellies bother me) I am not sure I will be okay with a bunch of women I don’t know oogling and googling over baby stuff and talking about pregnancy. Plus I might have to field the “dreaded question.” The invitation didn’t say that it was a surprise. If I was sure it wasn’t a surprise I might call and talk to her and tell her that I cannot attend the shower but would like to get together with her to give her my gift but I don’t want to ruin the surprise if it is a surprise. I mean, they would put surprise on the shower invite if it was a surprise right? I feel like maybe if I get a BFP I will feel comfortable enough to go but I don’t know even then. It seems to me that when/if I ever do get pregnant all of these IF feelings are not going to go away overnight. I don’t know, I have to think about it a little more but I am leaning towards not going. I hate to feel like this however I don’t feel like my feeling are wrong because I am not jealous of her or mad that she is pregnant, just trying to protect my own heart. I know all of you know exactly what I mean.

I will keep all of you updated. I can’t promise I wont cave and POAS tomorrow morning even though I know it might be too early but either way I am hoping and praying that at the end of this cycle that I will be able to accept God’s will for me and move forward on to the next cycle. Please keep the comments coming, they really mean a lot to me. I do try to comment on your blogs as well. Gotta go, I’m at work and I have a killer headache!

Happy New Year!! (4dpIUI)

I hope everyone had a wonderful new year and I hope this year makes all of our dreams come true!

Well, I am officially 4 dpo (or something like that) although I really felt O pains on the left side the day before my IUI (Friday) and I never did feel any O pains on the right side but who knows. I woke up the morning of the IUI extremely uncomfortable. I was bloated and my ovaries hurt! The IUI itself went well and was painless and quick. DH had a post wash count of 15 million which the doctor said was good. We went shopping for a little bit after the IUI but I was so uncomfortable that it hurt to walk so I came home and laid down for a bit. By Sunday the pain in my ovaries was gone for the most part although it still hurts to cough. The worst part of the 2ww waiting for me (besides the waiting obviously) is going to be the progesterone suppositories. I HATE these things! They make me feel so bloated, irritable, uncomfortable and for some reason they seem to be making my acid reflux 10 times worse. I can't eat anything without having horrible heartburn and stomach upset! I am so bloated that the button on my pants broke this morning. Man do I wish I could wear sweatpants to work! Other than the above, I don't really have any symptoms to report although it is too early for symptoms anyway.

Now that I got that out of the way, let me reflect on the new year. I HATE new years! I never liked it, but I especially don't like it now. I can honestly say that the past two or three years have been the most difficult years of my life. Not only dealing with the IF (which has been 5 years anyway) but because in the past two years alone I have lost so many people I love. In January 2006 I lost my boss to a tragic death. She was not only my boss but my mentor and a wonderful friend. Her death affected me worse than any other death I have ever experienced. I suppose because she was so young (37) and it was so unexpected. Then in March 2006 my father passed away from a stroke. I always had a strained relationship with my father and absolutely hated his new wife but his death was hard. These two deaths so close together along with all of the other stresses in my life caused me to begin having anxiety attacks. It was awful. In 2007 I switched jobs because my previous job was never the same since I lost my boss. I was not happy with the attorney that took her place. On top of all of these things that happened DH and I struggled to save money for future IF treatments which was the reason we had a 2 year lapse in treatment. I also had to endure several "unexpected" pregnancies being announced around me (all from those who were unmarried and younger than me.) We also watched several of our friends get married and have children all in the past two years. So needless to say we have been left in the dust so to speak. All of our friends that are couples now have children or are expecting and have felt the need to withdraw themselves from our lives. So, it has not been a good couple of years. Therefore, I say screw you to 2007 and hope that 2008 will be a better year. I am sure that every woman who has dealt with some type of infertility can agree that the new year can be a difficult time. I have gotten past the point where I declare that this year is the year. Now I know better than to assume that somehow things will be different then they have all of the years before. So this way of thinking, along with the fact that I have an overload of hormones raging through my body set the stage for a mini-meltdown about 9:00 p.m. on new years eve. We were supposed to go bowling with a couple from church and several of their friends. At 9:00 I decided that it wasn't good idea to spend the evening with a bunch of young couples and their children. I mean, can you blame me? So I bailed out. I think DH may have been a bit disappointed but oh well. I told him he could still go but the smart man didn't want to leave me alone on new years (and we all know if he did decide to go and left me alone there would be hell to pay.) So, we spent new years on the couch watching episodes of paranormal state which I found mildly entertaining. We did change the channel quickly just in time to catch the ball dropping. All in all, I am more than glad that 2007 is gone.

Now, with all of the bad things that have happened in the past year there are several things I am thankful for which I feel obligated to list lest you think I am completely insane.
1) I have met all of you. I cant begin to tell you what a blessing it is to have found a community of women who understand exactly what I am going through. It has been such a blessing. I enjoy reading your blogs and find joy in the fact that so many of you have achieved success. I find hope in the fact that it has worked for so many of you. I love reading your comments and receiving your support so please keep them coming!
2) (I'm going off on a religious tangent here so feel free to skip if you don't want to read) My faith in God has grown tremendously during this whole IF experience. You would think IF would cause me to lose faith in God but it has only made my faith stronger. When we first started this whole thing I was so used to simply working for what I wanted and getting it. Don't get me wrong, things never came easy but I always knew what I had to do to achieve my goals and it was always in my control. I quickly realized that the IF is totally out of my control. I am doing what I can but ultimately it is in God's hands. What a beautiful blessing it is to learn (the hard way) the meaning or true faith. To believe in something that has yet to happen. To know God's love when you truly need it the most. This is the most precious blessing that I have received throughout this whole process and through the loss of my father and friend. What an amazing thing to know that when you can't bear it any more, when you can't do it alone, there is someone there who can carry you.

There are obviously many more things that I am thankful for but I don't want to lose your interest so I will stop here. Don't expect too many sappy posts from me. I am not a sappy person and I am hopped up on hormones (that's my story and I'm stickin to it.) Anyway, I think you have endured enough, if you actually stuck around and read this whole post good for you!

Happy Friday!!

I just wanted to drop in and wish everyone a happy Friday and Happy New Years if I am not on before then. Our IUI is tomorrow at 11:00 with drop off at 9:30. Fun times! Also, I think I may have ovulated on my left side (where the humungo follie was) just now. I have only ovulated twice in the past 5 years so I am not really sure what it feels like but it was a twinging kind of pain that was off and on for about 3 minutes. I could almost feel my left ovary twinging. Very odd. Good thing we b'd last night in case I did ovulate from the side. Well, it's time for me to get back to work, there's nothing like the boss waiting until the last minute to get things out on a Friday!

Holy Follies Batman!

Well, my follies definitely grew. I have one on the right that is 17.5, and one that is around 16. On the left I have one around 16 and one at 23! There was also another (I can't remember which ovary) that was 15. So I definitely do not need any more Follistim this cycle. Now we just have to wait and see whether my RE lets me go through with the IUI with this many follies. He is ultra-conservative when it comes to the number of follies. I am hoping that it is fine because there is three follies that are close to or over 18 and that is what they told me they were looking for to trigger. I will update when my nurse calls. Wish me luck!!
***Edited to Add***

Yay! My nurse called. She said trigger tonight and bd tonight (DH was excited to hear this) then schedule IUI for Saturday!! I am so happy! I consider this first IUI/Follistim cycle a success simply because we made it to IUI, and that is great for the first cycle! Hopefully now I will be able to relax! I didn’t ask about the exact follicle size or the E2 levels but it doesn’t really matter. Lastly, I want to say thank you to everyone who tried their best over the past couple of weeks to calm my nerves, especially Farah who has agreed to give me private therapy sessions via e-mail (just kidding)! I will definitely keep all of you updated. I promise, I am not always neurotic (although DH might disagree.)

Holy Cow!

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! Since I haven’t written since Friday I will try to update you on the events since Friday:

Saturday, CD 11: I went back to the clinic for another u/s & b/w. This was an interesting visit because we went to an office that we aren’t used to going to. This time there was an u/s tech and a doctor doing the u/s. The u/s tech would measure something and the doctor would tell her she was wrong. It was very uncomfortable to say the least. Anyway, the two follies I had were gone! My ovaries looked like a cd 3 u/s all over again. I was pretty upset to say the least. When the nurse called later that day she told me the doctor wanted to increase my Follistim dose from 75 iu to 83 iu (one click above 75 for those of you that have the pen.)

Monday, CD 13: Another u/s & b/w. This time I had two follies measuring at 12 each, one on each ovary.

Wednesday, CD 15: Today I went in this morning for another u/s and b/w. I don’t know the exact numbers but I will get them later. My lining was around 15 which is good. I had two follies on my right ovary at 15 mm and one around 14. I had a 16 on my left ovary and another 15 also on my left. So yay! My body finally decided to do something! I am not 100% sure about the numbers but I know that the right had a 15 and the left had a 16. I asked the u/s tech if she thought I had too many follies and she said no. She said hopefully the 15 and 16s will take the lead. Now I wait for the nurse to call me but they told me when I left that they will probably want me to come in tomorrow for another u/s. I am thinking that as long as these follies do not disappear like the others then we should trigger in a couple of days and have IUI by the weekend. I’m not really sure what size they are looking for to trigger so I will ask when the nurse calls later today. So, right now I am cautiously optimistic that we may actually complete a cycle. Also, I have decided not to ask for my E2 levels at every visit. It is causing me to obsess over it and I just don't see how it is helping me. I trust my doctor and I know that he wouldn't go forward if he didn't think it was worth it. So, I have decided to only as for my E2 levels right before trigger.

As for Christmas, I had an enjoyable time off of work. On Friday we had a little office get together an hour before closing time. My boss gave all the paralegals a $100 gift card to the mall. I though that was a nice addition to the nice bonus we got. On Saturday we had a family dinner. I made cheesecake and stuffed shells which were a big hit. I was nice to get together with family. We sang Christmas songs with the karaoke machine. Every year we have someone in the family dress up as Santa and bring in gifts for the little ones. This year DH’s uncle “B” dressed up as Santa. As soon as he walked into the room Shawn’s 2 ½ year old cousin blurted out “what’s “b” doing?” We were all amazed that a 2 ½ year old would recognize someone dressed up like that. It was funny! Needless to say it ruined it for the rest of the kids who now knew who was in the Santa suit. On Sunday we had a relaxing day, we didn’t do too much. On Monday DH had to work and I stayed home and wrapped presents, and Tuesday was Christmas. We spent the first half of the day with DH’s family and the second half of the day with my family. I got an MP3 player from DH which I am still trying to figure out how to use! I also got a nice stock pot from the MIL. But, the most special gift came from my Mom. She gave me a picture of my father when he was a little boy. My father passed away in 2006 and we don’t have many picture of him when he was little. It was so special and very bitter sweet to see that picture of him. While my mother was looking for the picture she also came across a card from my grandfather and grandmother for my 11th birthday that was somehow never opened. It had my grandfather’s handwriting on it and a poem he had written for me. My grandfather passed away in 1999 so this was also very special. The only not so great thing about this Christmas was that it ended with a pregnancy announcement. We were sitting around my mom’s kitchen table and my step sister mentions something about my step brother’s wife’s due date. I was like “Due date? Is she pregnant?” Everyone seemed to know this other than me and DH. I suspect that my mom was waiting to tell me and that she didn’t think Christmas was a good time. It definitely caught me off guard. I am okay with it for now but I know that when she has the baby it will he hard seeing my mom treat it like a grandchild. I am her daughter and I want to be the one to have the first grandchild. Oh well, I guess I have been able to dodge the pg announcements for so long that one was bound to come up sooner or later.

I will update when I get a call from my nurse.

**Edited to Add** I just got a call from my nurse. My RE says no meds tonight and come back tomorrow. I am happy that I don't have to do a shot tonight but I am worried that they will stop growing. I told my nurse this and she said they will definitly still grow (how does she know this? I am the one with the "disappearing follies") She said they are looking for one of those follies to be 18mm and then we will trigger. So, if all goes well maybe we will be triggering tomorrow night with IUI on Saturday? This would be ideal because then I wouldn't have to miss any work! Wish me luck that those follies keep on growing tonight even with no meds!

***Edited AGAIN to Add*** I forgot to include my follicle measurements:
R: 15.5, 14.3
L: 16.2, 15.6, 13.7
Lining: 15
And, even though I didn't ask she told me my E2 which was 875!!! Up from 256 two days ago! She told me the RE was having me coast because he wanted the lead follies to grow while the others shrink away. I told her I was worried that the big ones would shrink too and she said they will not shrink because my E2 was so high. So, now it's in God's hands and the hands of my RE.

P.S. My nurse told me I need a drink!! lol

B/W & U/S Results

Well, the nurse called, results are as follows:

Lining: 8.6
Right: 11.1 and 10.6
Left: 11.6
E2: 112 (down from 137 two days ago)

I asked her if it was a bad thing that the E2 went down and she kind of gave me a non-commital answer and told me to stay on 75 iu of Follistim and come back on Saturday. Of corse, again, she wasn't my usual nurse and was in a hurry to give me my results and didn't really seem like she cared to answer questions (not to mention she sounded like she wasn't old enough to be a nurse.) So, I have to admit, I am kind of bummed. My u/s didn't show a whole lot of growth from two days ago and my E2 dropped by 25. Isn't that bad? I just don't know what to think. I feel like my Re's office is not giving me any imput about whether things are going as they should. Whenever I ask they just give me some lame response. I haven't talked to or seen the same person twice this cycle. I have only actually seen my RE once when he had to do the u/s and he didn't tell me anything either. DH says I should call my RE but he doesn't have the most pleasant disposition. He isn't mean, just blah and very short and to the point. I don't know, maybe I am over analyzing everything. I just wish there was some chart somewhere that said, on this day your follicles should be this size and E2 should be this amount. What does it mean that my E2 dropped? Is that bad? GAH! Now I remember why I took two years off, I hate this stuff!

CD 7 b/w & u/s

We arrived at the clinic today at 7:10 for our 7:15 appointment with the fanny cam. I got my bloodwork done and then we were sent into exam room one to wait. Well, the sonographer called and said she was going to be late so finally at 7:45 my doctor comes in himself to do the u/s. He had a terrible time finding my left ovary (they always do as I was told during my HSG that my left ovary is very high) and it was extremely painful. I was ready to come up off the table a few times. Anyway, here is the breakdown:

• Lining: I have no idea, he said it was "coming along nicely" (I will get the actual number when they call with my b/w results.
• Right: 20 follicles less than 10
• Left: 15 follicles less than 10

So, nothing going on quite yet. I couldn't get a good read on my doc to see whether this is normal or not. I did ask him if it was normal that nothing was happening quite yet and he said yes. He also said that he put me on a very low dose of the medication (I am assuming because of my PCOS) and that things may take a little longer to get started. My nurse will call sometime in the afternoon with my b/w results and the dosage for the Follistim. I think that my RE will keep the dosage the same but who knows. I go back for more b/w & u/s on Thursday which will be CD 9. I really wish I knew what to expect and what is normal development. The bad news is that I have a huge bruse on my right arm from my CD 3 b/w and now I have a huge painful bruise forming on my left arm from today's b/w so I have no idea where she is going to take blood from on Thursday. I don't know what to think because I have nothing to compare this cycle to because I have never done injectables. Part of me is worried that this will be like every other cycle I have had with the Clomid & Femara where my body does absolutely NOTHING! Part of me is happy that there wasn't huge cysts everywhere. The only thing that worries me is that all the follies we did see where mostly the same size. What if they all grow at the same rate? DH said that he saw three follies that were a bit larger on the right but I didn't really see a diference. The doctor really didn't measure any of them because he said they only start measuring once they get to a certain size. If anyone has any experience with this and can tell me if all of this is normal for a CD 7 scan I would appreciate it. I am assuming we will be able to tell more from my b/w to see if the E2 is rising like it should. Well, I guess that is about it, my left arm hurts so bad where they took the blood that it is painful to bend my arm. Oh joy! I will update later when I get my b/w results.

****Edited to Add****
The nurse called back with my bloodwork and treatment plan:

Lining: 6.2
E2: 137 (was 105 on CD3)

So I will continue to do the 75 iu of Follistim and go back on Thursday for another u/s and b/w. I did ask her whether it was normal that no dominant follies were developing yet but it wasn't my usual nurse so she didn't seem too sure.

CD 6

Yes, I know, not a very creative title. Well, we arrived at Shady Grove's Annapolis office at 7 a.m. on Saturday. My regular nurse from the Columbia office was there and immediately came out to get me. She told us she was so sorry that they made us drive out there just to sign a paper and that if it was her that called she would have just waited until we came in to our next appointment. So, we signed the paper and she gave us our dosage information. 75 iu of Follistim and I will go in on Tuesday morning for an u/s and b/w. She said that pushing things back one day wont make a difference at all. We did our first shot on Saturday night at 6 p.m. I wasn't bad, the worst part was trying to get myself to stick the needle in but once I got it in it was fine. I really haven't felt anything while giving the shots, no stinging no discomfort, nothing. And I haven't bruised or anything. You can't even see where I did the shots. Last night, after my second Follistim injection, around 9 p.m my left ovary started to hurt. It hurt all night until I fell asleep. It doesn't hurt today so I am not sure what that is about but it was definitly uncomfortable last night. I wonder if it is normal to feel some discomfort after only my second shot? Anyway, we do one more shot tonight and then go in for b/w & u/s tomorrow morning. Hopefully we will be able t osee that something is going on. Thanks for all the wonderful comments. It really helps to know that I have people who understand. Keep the comments coming, they really mean a lot!

ARGH!!

So, my RE's office called. They forgot to have me sign the Consent for IUI while I was there this morning. She told me that she cannot disclose my dosage amount until they witness both my husband and myself together signing the form. She asked if I could get there before 4:30 to sign it and I said no, we are both at work. So, she told me we will have to come to their other office which is 1/2 hour from my house at 7:00 a.m. so someone can witness us signing the document. So, now I wont be starting the Follistim until tomorrow night, assuming they didn't forget something else. It's only one day, but still!

CD 3 U/S & B/W

I just got back from my CD3 u/s and b/w. They had a little trouble finding a vein this time and the result is a painful purple bump on my arm! Ouch! The u/s went fine, my lining is still at 9 which means there is still more af left to be had. (blah) Both ovaires are quiet, no cysts (other than the usual pcos stuff.) I guess they don't count antral follicles because they always just put the same number (I think 10 or something like that.) Then we had a consultation to show us how to use the Follistim Pen. The consult was really rushed so good thing I read up on it and kind of already know how to use it. It scared me when she said if you dial past your dose and the dial the wrong way to correct it you could lose all of your medication. She also gave us a dvd which we will watch tonight before attempting the shot. My nurse will call with my exact dose after my RE looks at my b/w results. Then I go back on Monday for u/s and b/w. I guess that sounds about right, do the shots for three days and go back in to see if anything is happening. I wonder if I can expect to see anything happening that early? Anyone know?

***warning, totally TMI comment ahead***

Okay, you have been warned. Does anyone else think it is gross when you get your day 3 u/s and then get up from the table? I mean really, do I really want to leave my business on the table for someone to clean up? I am always so tempted to pull the paper off. ewww

***end of TMI comment***

Well, thats about it for now. I will update with my dosage when I get the call from my nurse.

CD1

Wooohoooo! AF finally arrived at exactly 8 p.m. last night. That would make today CD1, right? Since if you get AF later than 6pm CD1 is the next day? Hmmm, I will ask when I call me RE and set up my day 3 u/s and b/w. I talked to my nurse yesterday, she said everything is set for me to start this cycle and she doesn't know why the other lady used the word "probably." I was definitely relieved. So, if today is in fact CD1, which I believe it is, then CD3 will be on Friday. So we will start the stims Friday night. We have to go to the pharmacy tonight and pick up the Follistim cartridges (which supposedly come with needles?) and the RE's office will give us the Follistim pen on Friday. AF is definitely here with a vengeance! She must be mad because I have been talking crap about her in an attempt to lure her out of her hiding place. Now she is making me pay for my smart remarks. The Prometrium gives me a different kind of AF than the Provera. I cant explain it except that I have different side effects this time. Usually I have pretty bad cramps a couple of days before AF arrives, this time not much. This time I had much more emotional side effects (ie. being a real b*tch.) Last night, after I discovered AF, I went to bed at 8pm and slept until 6 this morning. I woke up at 6 completely drenched in a cold sweat and was actually shivering. Really strange. ***I just called my RE, today would be CD1 and my appointment is scheduled for Friday at 7:15***

So the plan is: CD3 u/s & b/w on Friday. They will give me the Follistim Pen on Friday and show me how to use it. They will call me in the afternoon with my b/w results and tell me what the doctor has decided my initial dose of Follistim will be. I guess he waits to see the blood work results. She didn't tell me when I will come back for my second scan. Does anyone know how soon they bring you back in after your initial injection?

A couple of questions for those of you that have done this before:

1. I want to pay much more attention to particulars this time (ie. follicle size and blood levels.) Did you just take notes while your doctor was doing the ultrasound? How did you get all the specific information like the exact amount of follicles, their sizes, and E2 levels? I don't remember them telling me anything specific about blood results other than it looks good. Is there a place I can look online that tells me where my levels should be?

2. Is it beneficial to temp BBT while doing injectables? I haven't done BBT in 4 or 5 years, before I knew there was a problem, but for some reason I have the need to really know what is going on with my body this time and to keep track of symptoms. Do the medications affect your BBT? Would it still be accurate?

3. Is there any limits to what I should be doing physically once I get the IUI? I am doing a dinner theatre for church which involves some dancing and a lot of moving around. I am contemplating telling the director that I can't do the dances after I get my IUI. I just don't want to do anything to hurt my chances after we spent all of this money.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to comment on my blog and to those of you that just lurk (I know you are there) come out and say hello! Sorry I am so full of questions but remember, we haven't done any type of treatments for about 2 years so it's like starting all over again.

Last but not least, please stop by Cece's blog and give her some love, she is going through a hard time.