The Making of Baby V

New Blog

2009-01-27T17:06:00.001-08:00

Well, the time has come for me to close this chapter of my life (infertility) and open a new chapter (mommyhood). I have started a new blog, which is NOT private, where I will blog about this next phase in my life. I have been waiting for a long time to say that I can finally put infertility behind me and now I can finally do just that. So what will the new blog be about? Me! My experiences as a mommy to Noah, my life outside of mommyhood, and how infertility continues to affect my daily life. I promise it will not be strictly about the baby but a lot of it will be. I hope that all of you will join me on the "other side" no matter what stage in the process you are in, but I understand if you cannot. See you there if you decide to join me!

Link to My New Blog

Birth Story

2008-12-28T17:26:00.000-08:00

Well, as you can see my little man decided to come a little early. Before I forget any of the details I wanted to record the birth story.

On Monday I did have some contractions throughout the day but nothing too bad. I did notice though that these contractions were also in my back when all of the ones I had been having previously were just an uncomfortable tightening in my belly. Monday evening I had some more contractions and Shawn and I decided to time them. They were about 7 minutes apart for a while but when I changed positions they went to 10 minutes apart, then 20 minutes apart and then they disappeared. So we went to bed. Shawn ended up getting up to go sleep on the couch around 1:00 a.m. because the cats were being noisy. All of a sudden I was awaken at around 1:30 a.m. by a huge gush of water. I knew right away that my water had broken, there was no mistaking it. I tried to call for Shawn because I was leaking everywhere but he didn't hear me so I had to get out of bed and go to the bedroom door where I called his name and told him my water broke. I went and sat on the toilet while Shawn brought me the phone and my insurance card because I had to call my doctor's office. That's when the contractions started, painful contractions which were coming almost one after another. We rushed around the house finishing packing our hospital bag. Shawn's parents met us at our house and we were off to the hospital. It is about a 40 minute drive to the hospital and the closer we got the more worried I got that we weren't going to make it. The contractions were coming fast, about every two minutes and I was in a lot of pain. By the time we got to the hospital it was around 3:00 a.m. Shawn took me in a wheelchair because there was no way I could walk. I had to wait in the lobby for a few minutes for them to bring me back to triage and I continued to have more contractions. They got me back to triage and had me change into a gown and asked me to give a urine sample. It was so hard to urinate because I was leaking fluid and had a tremendous amount of pressure down low. They got me into the bed and hooked me up to the monitors. By this time I was in excruciating pain and begging for an epidural. They told me they had to check me and get a bag of IV fluids in me before I could get the epidural. They checked me and they all seemed shocked that I was already 5 cm dilated. So they went ahead and admitted me. I told them that I was scheduled for a c-section because of the blood pressure and the diabetes and the fact that my doctor was convinced that my pelvis wasn't big enough to have a baby. They told me they were going to do an u/s and if the baby was head down we were going to try to proceed with a vaginal delivery. They did the u/s and baby was indeed head down so they moved me to a L&D room. I was in awful pain and still begging for the epi. Shawn had me working on my breathing (guess the childbirth class did come in handy after all.) By the time they were able to get me the epi I was already 7 cm dilated. I can't even begin to describe the pain of labor. It is like a really intense period cramp that also extends into your back and accompanied by an intense amount of pressure down below. I admire anyone who is able to go through labor without an epi but I had no desire to do so. I can honestly say that the pain was so bad I thought I was going to die. Once I got the epi it did make me feel better on the left side but I still felt the contractions on the right side. They came in again and adjusted it, still the right side wasn't working. At this point the nurse told me I was fully dilated and it was time to push but that the doctor didn't want me to push until she got there and she was still on her way, she also took the catheter out. She also said that the doctor recommended not increasing the epi anymore because it would make it impossible to feel anything to push. While we waited for the doctor I began to realize that I might actually have to push this baby out when I had been expecting a c-section. I was also not thrilled with still feeling the pain while having to push. When the doctor finally got there she checked me and said that while I was fully dilated there was still a small lip of the cervix still there. She had me push a few times to see if I could push past the lip but it wouldn't budge. So we waited another half hour and she checked me again. So we waited another hour and still the same, only then my cervix was starting to swell and so was the baby's head. It was then that the doctor decided to do the c-section. Within a half hour they upped the epidural, (sweet relief!) put back in the catheter, and took me back for the c-section. At this point I was just ready to get him out! The c-section is all a blur. I remember them scrubbing my belly and thinking it was so strange that I couldn't feel it at all. I remember Shawn coming back and sitting next to me. The anesthesiologist was great, he talked me through everything and made sure I was comfortable. I didn't feel a thing but a lot of pressure when they finally pulled him out. When I heard him cry it was the most amazing sound in the world! Of course I cried like a baby! Shawn followed him as they cleaned him up and checked his breathing. He was strong and healthy and needed no breathing assistance at all. I didn't get to see his face for like 10 minutes and I swear that was the longest 10 minutes of my life. Finally Shawn brought him over to me. I noticed right away how much he looks like Shawn. I still couldn't believe that he came out of me! They moved me to recovery and by that time I felt pretty awful. No pain but I had the shivers really bad, so bad that my muscles and my bones ached. I couldn't stop shaking no matter how hard I tried. So they took Noah to the nursery to feed him and give him his first bath and Shawn went with him. They wouldn't let me leave recovery until I was able to move my legs which took a while because of the amount of epidural I had. Finally they moved me to the room where I spent the next four days. Shawn stayed with me the whole entire time and slept right next to me. We finally got home on Friday after Noah's birth.

The last two weeks have been crazy! Noah is such a good baby. He sleeps a lot, we still have to wake him up to eat and he sleeps all three hours in a row in between feedings. He rarely ever cries unless he is really hungry or unless he is naked. I am loving being a Mommy and it is just as amazing as I always dreamt it would be. I have so much more to say but my little man is fussing. I will hopefully post again soon. I will leave you with some pictures!! Be back soon!

Welcome Little Noah!!

2008-12-26T14:23:00.001-08:00

Posted by hubby.

Well little Noah decided he was ready to come out and wanted to be here for Christmas. We tried to update earlier but the hospitals internet would not let us access our blogs or emails.

Noah was born December 23, 2008 at 11:13am! He weighed 7lbs 2.4 ounces and measured 19 3/4. He is adorable! We will post more pictures later but here is a sneak peak.Both Mom and Noah are doing great and I'm so proud of them both.

I will give more updates about the birth and craziness that occurred, but first Mom and I must rest as we just got home and we are exhausted.

Still Hanging in There (35w2d)

2008-12-12T12:14:00.000-08:00

I'm surviving bed rest so far. I really have no clue how some of you did it so long! But I guess when you don't have much of a choice you do what you have to do. I'm bored, there is nothing good on TV during the day! I had another doctor's appointment today. My BP was 136/96. The top number went up quite a bit. Luckily there was no protein in my urine. So for now I am still at home and still on bed rest. Dr. checked me again and my cervix remains unchanged. They also did the GBS test and ordered a 24 hour urine and did some other blood work. NST was the same old same old, Noah passed with flying colors and I continued to have contractions. When I got home my OB called me. He called me to inform me that he had conferred with another doctor about my case and they decided that I will most likely be needing a c-section. He said there are four reasons why he thinks I will end up with a c-section: 1) The high blood pressure; 2) The diabetes; 3) When he examined me he noticed I have an extremely small pelvis, he said he could barely fit his fingers up there and when he pushed down on the baby he didn't move further into my pelvis like he should; 3) He says he thinks that the baby is breech. This last one is debatable for me because at my last u/s they said he was not breech. But he said with number one and two combined he doesn't feel comfortable letting me go to 40 weeks. So he scheduled a c-section for December 30th at 12:45 p.m. He said that if I happen to go into labor before then, which he doesn't think I will, then we can talk about a vaginal birth. He also told me that it is possible that if my blood pressure or blood sugars get worse that he may decide to do it earlier. So, the bottom line is that baby Noah will arrive no later than December 30, 2008. Only 2 weeks and a couple of days away! How do I feel about it? I'm not really sure. I went into this with no expectations about the birth, just to have a healthy baby. So while I am sad that I will probably never get to experience going into labor and delivering vaginally in the end it doesn't matter to me how he gets here. I am a bit sad that the doctor didn't seem to want to try an induction, assuming baby is not breech which I don't think he is. But he is the medical professional, and while I don't believe my doctors blindly I do trust him to make the right call for me and Noah. Shawn and I are going to make sure that we get everything done this weekend just in case they send me in early because of my BP. I really want Noah to "cook" a little longer though. I have to pack a hospital bag yet. It just doesn't seem real, that in a little more than 2 weeks we will have a baby. My next doctor's appointment will be on Tuesday. I probably wont be on again until then unless something happens in between now and then.

Bed Rest (35w0d)

2008-12-10T04:43:00.000-08:00

Well, the good news is that I will have a lot more time to blog. The bad news is that my doctor put me on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy. I really thought that those pesky contractions would be my demise but it turned out to be something totally different. The past couple times that I have been at the doctors my blood pressure has been slightly elevated. My baseline BP is usually kind of low and I have never had a problem with my BP. The past few times my bottom number has been in the 90s and they have told me that my BP was up from my normal BP. Yesterday my BP was 128/98. When my doctor saw how swollen my hands and feet were he declared that yesterday had to be my last day at work. He told me that I need to be at home, laying on my left side until baby comes. It was totally unexpected and I was a little upset. He also told me that if my BP got above 140/110 he would put me in the hospital. So obviously we are trying to avoid that. The bad news is that my "bed rest" time will be unpaid. My boss has given me a few things to take home that I can work on which should help me earn a little money. I also got a Christmas bonus yesterday which is equal to almost 2 weeks pay so that will help. The main thing is that I want baby to be healthy and I don't want to be in the hospital. I feel sorry for my husband because this leaves everything in his hands, earning the money, cooking, cleaning, and doing all last minute preparations. He of course is being amazing as always. I know we will get through it, some of you have been on bed rest much longer. I have another doctor's appointment on Friday and I have a few questions for the doctor that I didn't ask yesterday due to my surprise. I want to know if I will still be allowed to go to 40 weeks or if they will deliver early since I am on bed rest. I want to do what ever is best for the baby. Well, anyway, expect to hear a lot more out of me. I didn't sleep well last night so I am going to try to take a nap before my boss starts calling me. I'll be back!

Busy Bee (34w6d)

2008-12-04T05:24:00.000-08:00

Yes, I have been a busy bee! I have missed blogging and am just now finding some time to sit down and type out a post.

***

The baby shower was great! It was so exciting to see so many people come to help us celebrate our little miracle. We had the shower at our church and we had over 60 people come! We got tons of great stuff! the only thing we didn't get was our swing. We also got enough cash and gift cards to purchase a changing table and a glider! Here are a few pictures. To see all the pictures you can go to our babysite (link in sidebar):

Like I said, there are many more pictures on our babysite so feel free to go on over and check them out.

***
Baby is doing fine. I had my second growth u/s at 33 weeks and he weighed 4 lbs 14 oz. The doctor told me he is exactly the average weight. So looks like our little monkey isn't going to be a porker after all! I did notice that his head and belly were measuring almost 36 weeks (I was 33 weeks) but his legs were only measuring 31 weeks. I hope he isn't going to be short like me! We could see his pudgy little cheeks and we even got to see that he has hair! Most importantly he is finally head down! We also had the tech confirm for a fifth time that he is a little boy. It still seems so surreal to me that there is an actual baby in there. And that God willing in a few weeks or so we will get to finally bring a baby home. Crazy! I'm finding myself more anxious that something will go wrong the closer it gets. I'm guessing these are normal feelings, especially after IF. I want him to be healthy so bad. I'm also terrified of becoming a mother. I know nothing about babies, the only thing I have ever "mothered" is our cats. But I guess it is something that you learn. I have had 5 NSTs so far and Noah has passed them with flying colors! I have failed all of them (see below for more on that.) I have also noticed that Noah is having the hiccups about 4 times a day. Poor little baby! He even has them during my NSTs sometimes. Too cute!

***

I have been feeling pretty good up until about two weeks ago. I was just bragging about how great I feel. Over the past two weeks or so I am feeling totally exhausted again. I am also feeling a lot of pressure down low, especially when I walk or stand. I have also been having some contractions during my NSTs which causes them to keep me on the monitor for an hour each time (thought these things were only supposed to be 40 minutes?) I have only been having about 5 or 6 contractions an hour but they are not in a regular pattern. They have done an internal each time and I was not dilating until my last NST/internal on Friday. He told me I was dilated to 1 cm! I wasn't dilated just two days before so he sent me home from work on the off chance that the contractions I was having during the NST were causing me dilate. I had contractions all day Friday and was starting to worry when they finally let up in the evening. I rested all day on Saturday and the tried to resume my normal activities on Sunday and the contractions started again. It seems that when I walk of stand for even a little while they start up again. The thing is, I am confused about whether they are BH or the real thing. They are slightly painful but not bad at all, the tightening stops me in my tracks though. My hands are now starting to swell and I have begun to suffer from what I guess is carpal tunnel. My fingers on my right hand are numb and my wrist hurts. The swelling in both hands makes my knuckles hurt really bad and makes it hard to do much with my hands.

I feel like such a lazy bum! I am so busy at work that when I get home I am exhausted and do nothing but lay on the couch. Shawn has been so great! He is trying really hard to do what I ask, although I know I am picky and hard to deal with sometimes. I am so blessed to have him as a husband and I know he will be a great Dad!

All in all, I am blessed to be where I am and I will never ever forget it. I will also never forget all of you still in the trenches. I think about you often and keep you in my prayers. I know the holiday season can be hell on earth for someone going through IF. Remember, I was there for quite a few years. My advice, do what you have to do to get through it. Don't do anything that makes you miserable. Take this time to think about yourself first. This may not be what most would tell you but sometimes you have to be selfish.

Well, it's back to work for me. I have another Dr's appt and NST at 10:45 today so lets see if I can manage to NOT be sent home from work!

Pictures & Such (31w4d)

2008-11-16T13:37:00.000-08:00

Hello there! If anyone is actually still checking my blog I would be surprised! But, I do have a good excuse! Work has been insane. We have a huge case going on right now with depositions back to back which has kept me extremely busy and exhausted when I get home. I usually have enough energy to have dinner and then fall asleep. The good news is that it is making time fly, the bad news is that I haven't been eating properly which is making my blood sugars not so great and that I have been swelling a lot. At my latest doctors appointment (on Thursday- 31w1d) I was measuring at 34 weeks! So I have to schedule another growth u/s to make sure the little bugger isn't getting too big. Baby Noah is doing great, moving around like crazy. Sometimes his movements are so strong I feel like he is trying to bust out of my belly! I think he is lying transverse right now but I was assured he has some time to move into position so I wont worry quite yet. I will also be seeing the doctor every week from here on out and will begin seeing them twice a week soon. I will also be starting the NSTs next week. I'm just hoping Noah cooperates and passes the NST.

We also started our childbirth classes. We have had two classes so far and for the most part it is stuff I already knew. We do get to spend some time practicing relaxation techniques every class which involves me laying on the mat with pillows and Shawn giving me a massage! That is my favorite part of the class. On Monday we did the hospital tour I am so glad we did. Out hospital is awesome! The labor/delivery room is really nice! It looks like a hotel room and even has a flatscreen tv! The postpartum room is even nicer and also looks like a hotel room. We even got to peek into the nursery and saw some newborn cuties! The hospital was nothing like I expected it to be. I expected it to be stark and white like you see on tv. The lighting is low and it has wood floors and wallpaper on the walls. Very nice, modern, and relaxing.

Now on to the pictures! My FIL painted my belly for Halloween:

We had a small family shower last Sunday and we got some of our big items for our nursery. My Mom got us a dresser and the travel system, MIL & FIL got us the crib, and we also received our bedding set! You can see the complete collection of pictures by visiting our babysite (link in the sidebar.)

Here is Shawn putting together the travel system.

And here is the finished product. (Yes, I realize there is a cat in the picture, but in our house, our kitties are always in our business so it is rare to take a picture without them somewhere in the picture.)

Here is Shawn putting together the dresser.

And he also had a little helper.

And here is the finished product with some random stuff on top.

Here is the crib.

And here is the crib with the bedding! So cute!

The nursery is far from complete. We still have all of the little decorative items which we will receive at our big shower this Saturday. We are so excited! Like I said, there are many more pictures on our babysite so head on over and check it out!

The chances of me being able to post before the weekend is slim. After this week the "big case" should settle down and hopefully things will be back to normal soon. If I don't post before Saturday I guarantee I will be back with lots of lovely pictures from the shower!

Randomness (28w5d)

2008-10-27T04:52:00.000-07:00

Holy cow! I seriously did not realize how long it has been since I have updated! I haven't forgotten about all of you or blogging, it just seems the days go by so fast and by the end of the day I am totally exhausted. Since I seem unable to form a coherent paragraph I will do my update in a list form:

All continues to go well with baby Noah. He is most active at night and still breech with his head just under my ribs on the left and feet firmly lodged into my bladder. I REALLY want him to turn! It is much easier for others to feel him kick when he isn't kicking my bladder. For now though it seems he likes this position. Lets just hope he decides to turn before the big day!
The last couple times I have went to the doctor I have been measuring two weeks ahead. I have another doctors appointment so we will see if I am still measuring ahead. The funny thing is in the last two weeks I haven't gained any weight at all. The doctor isn't concerned though so neither am I.
We had our first growth u/s on Thursday. All looks well and baby was measuring 2 lbs. 14 oz. and was measuring 27w5d which was actually a couple days behind. I will ask my doctor but I don't think it is a big deal for him to be measuring a few days behind.
I have been having some serious indigestion and heartburn over the past two weeks which is making it difficult to follow my diet because the things I am supposed to eat give me heartburn. For example, I have found that if I eat anything other than eggs and some sort of meat for breakfast my sugar goes up. However, I have been unable to eat eggs because they give me terrible heartburn. I'm not talking about mild heartburn and indigestion, I'm talking about pain and pressure so severe in my chest that it travels into my neck and jaw and makes me feel like I'm having a heart attack. This usually is the worst at night which makes it very difficult to sleep. I have been taking the Zantac and I am up to two pills a day and I am only supposed to take one a day. Even the two a day isn't enough and I am miserable half the day. I have an appointment today at 11:30 and I'm going to ask the doctor if there is another medication I can take. The only thing my tummy can tolerate is bread which is a big no no for me.
It is less than a month until my shower and I am so excited! I actually hate baby showers (what infertile doesn't) but I guess because this one is for me it is different. I just cant wait to see everyone and celebrate our little one and I can wait to see all of the cute items that we get for him. Shawn's close family is having a private shower for us also because they said they bought too many items and didn't want to make the guests of the big shower sit through me opening all of their gifts. I'm a little behind on finishing the diaper cake centerpieces so I will be working hard on them this week so that we can decorate them.
We have done absolutely nothing to get our house ready for the baby yet. The nursery is still currently a storage room and the "litter box room." It's just one of those things that I was afraid to do for fear of "jinxing" myself. But now I realize it's time to get moving. We will need to have a spot to store all of our shower goodies soon. So this weekend we will empty the room and shampoo the carpet. We don't really have anything to put in there yet. We are still waiting for the crib which should be in in the next couple of weeks. We have a changing table that we are sanding down to stain to match the crib and we still have to purchase a dresser. Seems like we have so much to do!
I have some belly pictures but I have to get them off the camera. I also plan to take before/after pictures of the nursery.

That's really all I have for now. When I look at my ticker and see that I only have 79 days until my due date I begin to freak out a bit! I will update again today after my doctor's appointment.

Guess in my Baby Pool!

2008-10-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

Check the sidebar for the link!

Double Digits!

2008-10-15T06:18:00.000-07:00

Today I am 27 weeks pregnant and according to some sites I am in my third trimester. So I’m calling it the start of my third trimester today! We celebrated this morning by doing something that I have been putting off for a while. I took my left over Follistim (two 600iu cartridges, unopened) and a few vials of leftover Menopur to my fertility clinic and donated them. I was so nervous about giving up the meds but they expire in December and I knew that someone else would be able to use them. They promised me that they will give them to someone who needed it financially. It was also good to see everyone at the fertility clinic that I had grown to know and love. I felt nervous about going in there with a pregnant belly but I hope that the people that were there saw it as a sign of hope and not something to hurt them. I guess I just wanted to make sure I didn’t hurt anyone. But I guess they don’t know my story, they don’t know that we tried for almost six years for this little miracle. I also got to see my doctor who came out just to say hi. I brought some ultrasound pictures to show him. When I left, I left in tears. It’s not easy to forget all of the times that I left that office devastated due to a cancelled cycle or a negative beta. But this time was different, I have a warm feeling when I visit, because if not for them my little Noah wouldn’t be bopping around in my belly. I am thrilled to be where we are. I’m not going to lie, I’m still scared something could go wrong, but I’m starting to get used to the idea that this little miracle might actually come to meet us in 10-13 weeks. We have another ultrasound scheduled for October 23rd. It’s a growth ultrasound to make sure that baby isn’t getting too big because of the diabetes. I will be having growth ultrasounds every three weeks or so. I will also be starting NSTs sometime soon. All in all I feel pretty good. My belly is sore feeling which I guess is from the growing and stretching. I am also feeling some BH contractions (at least that is what the doctor said they are) a few times a day. Usually I feel them at night but I did have some this morning too. Noah is still breech because I feel all of his kicks directly on my cervix or bladder (hurts!) Every now and then I feel a punch up high and yesterday when he was bouncing trampoline style on my cervix I could feel his head in my upper belly. So weird! I have some pictures to post (belly pics) but I have to get them off of the camera. I have nothing to compare it to since our other camera was stolen but I will try to take them every week. My MIL is mailing out m shower invites this week so I am really going to start registry stalking like crazy! Well, I wish I had more to say, I’m not doing much but working and getting ready for our dinner theatre at church. I continue to follow all of your blogs and try to comment when I can. I will try to post some pics in the next couple of days.

25w2d

2008-10-03T05:12:00.000-07:00

I know, my title sucks, seriously, I can never think of a creative title. Well, as the title says we are now in our 25th week. Almost to the third trimester! Craziness! Baby Noah is still doing great, bopping around like crazy. He is definitely a night owl just like his Daddy. He doesn't really wake up until around 10 or so and is busy as can be at 11 at night. I love watching my belly wiggle and I love seeing the look on Shawn's face when baby gives him a swift kick in the palm. I still feel like I am living a dream. I have to convince myself that I really am pregnant and there is actually a baby in there. I still find myself surrounded by the same fears though. I'm still fearful something is going to happen to the baby. I know that I am doing the right things though and that ultimately it is all in God's hands. I have finally gotten my blood sugars under control. My fasting numbers are still high so we are still adjusting my evening insulin but as far as after meal sugars go they have been great! I have cut bread out of my breakfast and that seems to have done the trick. If I start out with good numbers after breakfast everything else seems to follow unless I eat something very carb heavy. I'm actually really proud of myself. I have never been able to follow a diet. Hopefully after baby is born I can continue to eat this way. I have only gained 12 pounds so far since the beginning of the pregnancy and I think that is pretty good for me. So far my fears of exploding into a huge fatty haven't been realized, lets hope I can keep it that way. I'm feeling pretty good. My back hasn't been giving me much trouble which is great. I'm still feeling pretty tired by the end of the day and the house still isn't as clean as I would like it. Now I have come down with some sort of cold and I am feeling pretty awful. Right now it seems to be a sore throat and a "sick feeling." This usually turns into a chest cold for me so lets hope it doesn't this time.

Last Friday Shawn and I got an unwelcome surprise in the form of a knock on our front door at 6a.m. It was our neighbor to tell us that his car and ours had been broken into over the night. They didn't steal anything from our neighbor's car but they did however steal our digital camera which we stupidly left in the car. I was so upset! It wasn't a cheap camera, it was a $600 camera! It still had the pictures from our day trip as well as several belly pictures. Images that I will never get back again. We did file a claim with our homeowners insurance but we have a $500 deductible so we only got less than $100 back for the camera. So now we have no camera at all! Luckily, MIL will let us borrow her small digital camera. All in all, I'm glad they didn't break into our house but it still pisses me off!

Well, that's about it for now!

24 Weeks & 6 Years

2008-09-25T08:51:00.001-07:00

No, I don’t mean it has been 6 years since I have posted (although it seems like it.) Again, I apologize for the lack of posting. I have been so busy at work and exhausted by the time that I get home that I haven’t had much energy to sit down and type a post. Nothing exciting is going on here, same old same old. We hit 24 weeks yesterday! I had a bit of a stomach virus yesterday so I had to call out of work. I ended up sleeping all day and I feel better now. Baby Noah is moving around like crazy and his kicks are getting stronger and stronger. I have noticed his “busy time” seems to be in the evening from about 7 to 11 p.m. he kicks during the day but is really active at night. I hope this is no indication of his sleep pattern when he is born but I have a feeling it is. Shawn is now able to feel him move from the outside and he gets the most amazed look on his face when he does. It is so cute! I have also noticed that he prefers the left side and sometimes when he sleeps my belly is lopsided to the left! My blood sugars are doing okay. We have had to continue to adjust the insulin and will probably have to do so throughout the whole pregnancy but the doctor said even though my levels are higher than normal they are still pretty good compared to other people. At my last appointment I asked my OB what the future holds as far as any tests that need to be done. She said that I will have a growth u/s every 3 weeks to make sure baby isn’t getting too big or not growing enough. We will continue to do them every 3 weeks unless they notice he is not growing properly and then they will do them more often. I will also be doing an NST at every visit from here on out to check on baby’s well being. I’m not sure what this entails so if anyone has had one and wants to share their experiences let me know. I can’t believe how close we are to the third trimester! I hope and pray that everything continues to go as well as it has been. I know it hasn’t been perfect but I’ll take it!

I also found out my shower date is November 22nd! I am so excited! My MIL let me look over the guest list and she is inviting about 70 people! My bridal shower was huge and it was loads of fun so I am sure the baby shower will be the same. Someone or several someones have already purchased our entire nursery set! I told my MIL that the shower doesn’t need to be co-ed but I want it to be a shower for both Shawn and I. I want Shawn to be a part of it because it is just as much his baby as it is mine. Plus, if there is going to be 60-70 people there I will need help opening gifts. I also told my MIL that I will help her make the center pieces. She is planning on doing a diaper cake with a different theme for each of the tables. She showed me the invites (there isn’t much about this shower that is a surprise but that’s the way I wanted it) and they are Noah’s Arc theme, too cute! I suggested the diaper lottery as a game (each person bring a pack of diapers and enters their guess for the birth date and wins a prize if they get it right) but my MIL wants to do the thing where you ask people to bring books instead of cards. I would much rather have the diapers than the books but she is planning the shower so I didn’t say anything. Either way it will be great and I love to read so I will have lots to read to the baby.

Shawn and I celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary on September 14th. That also marked 6 years since we began trying to have a baby. We didn’t really do much to celebrate and we never get each other gifts. We did take a day trip this Saturday and that was nice. First we went to Arlington cemetery and took some pictures of some of my family member’s graves for my family tree. Then we went to Mt. Vernon (the place where Washington lived and is now buried) and toured the house and the grounds. It was nice to get out of the house for a change. This weekend will be an in the house weekend though because our house is a mess due to my laziness and needs a serious cleaning! We also need to start emptying out Noah’s room to shampoo the carpets and clean out the closet so when the furniture arrives we will have somewhere to put it. Right now the room serves as storage and the “litter box room.”

Well, that’s about it for now, I wish I had more to say. I will definitely try to post more often. If you could, let me know you are still reading so I know I still have some readers out there somewhere!

22 Weeks & Ultrasound Results

2008-09-10T15:20:00.000-07:00

Wow, we had a busy day today! We had two different ultrasounds done today. For the first ultrasound we had to travel to the University of Maryland Fetal Care Center to have the fetal echo done. Noah was his usual anwry self and was stubborn when it came to showing the tech what she needed to see. But after a stern talking to from me (and me doing a couple of jumping jacks for good measure) he finally decided to behave. The tech said that all of his little parts look perfect and his heart looks perfect too! He is still currently breech, sitting head up, feet down. His little head is up by my belly button and his little feet, ankles crossed, are sitting directly on my cervix (which explains the pain when he kicks.) We also learned that he weighs one pound! The second ultrasound that we had was at Kaiser and was a follow-up to the "big" ultrasound. This tech was much much nicer and did let Shawn in the room. She also explained everything she saw and what she was doing. Noah was wired during this ultrasound and moved all over the place! He kicked me several times in the cervix during the ultrasound which made me jump off the table and scare the crap out of the ultrasound tech. He waved his little hand at us and let us see his little fingers and his little feet (too cute!) He also let all three techs that looked at him see his "boy parts" so he is definitely a boy! I will have to go back to the Fetal Care Center every month for ultrasounds to keep track of his growth but for now everything looks perfect. Anyway, I know you really came here to see pictures so here they are:
This first one is a picture of his "boy parts." It was much clearer when they were showing it on the screen but you get the idea.
This one is a picture of his face looking forward. You can see his little eye sockets and nose.

This one is a picture of his little legs and feet. You can see his thigh to the right of your screen and his little ankle and feet to the left. Too cute!

This one is one of my favorites! This is a picture of one of his little legs and foot. He was hugging the placenta like a pillow and if you look closely you can see his little fingers too!

This is a profile shot. Hopefully this one is self explanatory.

This is another profile shot. If you look closely you can see that his mouth is slightly open almost like he is smiling, you can also see a little leg too!

Here is one more profile shot of the little one with his arm above his head.

What else can I say ladies, I am so in love!

21 Weeks Down, 19 to Go!

2008-09-04T08:27:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can’t believe we are already half way through this pregnancy. Sometimes when I look back it seems that it has taken forever and other times it seems like it has flown by. So you’re probably wondering what I have been up to lately? I’m not even sure if I have any readers left, I have been a crappy blogger and I know it. It’s hard because I am no longer doing treatments and I don’t have anything to talk about other than the pregnancy. Do all of you continually want to hear about that? My life just isn’t that exciting right now. However, in the event that you do care about my boring existence (and I hope someone does) here is what has been going on with me:

I’m feeling okay other than the back issues which I expect to have throughout the whole pregnancy. I have been feeling baby Noah kick stronger and stronger. Since about 19 weeks it went from teenie tiny taps to thumps. I still can’t feel him from the outside but I can’t really be sure because he never kicks in the same spot twice. He is a busy bee! I can’t wait until Shawn can feel it! It is the most amazing feeling in the world and I am in awe every single time that there is a living being inside of me. It feels so odd to feel something moving inside of you. I also think he likes to sleep curled up on the left side because I can often feel stretching or tightening on the left side and then I will have a small hard lump on my left side.

As far as the GD goes my sugars have been running a little high for my fasting sugars and also the one after breakfast. I saw my OB on Friday and he bumped up my insulin in the evening and also added 5 units to the mornings right before I eat. So now I am up to 2 shots a day. Not fun but I’m not complaining because I am thankful that everything else seems to be going well. I have to get a special ultrasound done on September 10th called a fetal echo. I believe it is an ultrasound specifically to look at the baby’s heart. The reason I have to get the ultrasound done is because of the GD. I am hoping that they look at other parts of the baby as well because I really want some updated pictures and a confirmation that he really is a boy since our “big” ultrasound was nothing but a “big” disappointment. I will feel much better when I know all is well with his heart because he has never been in a favorable position for them to check out his little heart.

I had my first (and hopefully last) unexpected visit to the L&D at 19w6d. I began having some tightening pains throughout the day that were becoming increasingly painful. I called my OB around 4:30 and they said that because they were about to close I had to go to L&D. They hooked me up to a contraction monitor and although I could continually feel the pains nothing at all was showing up on the monitor so I have no idea what the pains were and I haven’t had them since. They also did an internal (I HATE these things, they are painful as hell!) which showed my cervix was still nice and closed. They did a quickie u/s just to check the baby’s heartbeat. I didn’t get to see anything except for cute little feet and a beating heart. The most annoying part of the whole visit was waiting in the waiting room with a young couple who had to be the most annoying people in the world. I didn’t feel good and really didn’t feel like “chatting it up” with a pregnant college co-ed and her annoying boyfriend. She was there because her “calves hurt.” The boyfriend was asking us all kinds of questions and it took everything I had to not tell them to take their fertile asses over to the corner and leave me the hell alone. They acted like they were on a trip to the zoo or something, “oh, look at this” “look at that.” In the end I’m glad it all turned out fine and I hope that the next time I am there is not until baby is ready to come out.

I also found myself on “the other side of the fence” recently. It wasn’t so long ago that the sight of a pregnant woman would send me into an emotional tailspin and unfortunately I was the source of someone else’s pain recently. Shawn and I met some friends at the Fair a couple of weeks ago and Shawn’s friend’s wife’s sister (you got that all that right?) When we were walking around the sister suddenly burst into tears and rushed off. We had no idea why she was upset and I didn’t find out until about a week later. Apparently the sister and her husband were recently told that the only way they could have a baby was to do IVF. I don’t know the specifics but I do know it had something to do with her husband. Apparently my pregnancy made her upset and she had to rush off. No one in her family knew anything about them having problems conceiving and didn’t find out until they questioned her about why she was upset. It made me sad to know that my pregnancy could cause someone else pain. I guess I just always assumed that somehow because it took us so long that people would automatically know. Maybe I should get a tattoo or wear a shirt?

Lastly, we finally ordered our nursery furniture. We went back up to the Amish store and ordered it. It is made of oak and will be hand made just for our little one! They said it will be ready in 10-12 weeks which I think is perfect timing.

Registry Madness Leads to Pregnant Woman's Confusion

2008-08-19T06:56:00.000-07:00

Hello there! Once again I have been a bad blogger and for that I apologize! Every time I think I have a blog entry planned out I sit down to type and I forget everything I was going to say. I am doing fine, baby Noah is doing fine. I had a doctor’s appointment on Friday and I made sure to tell the NP (both OBs were on vacation) how awful the u/s tech was and how I did not want to go back to him. His report still wasn’t in on Friday nor was it in yesterday so I need to wait for his report to come in so that my OB can order a follow-up u/s. The NP also told me that I will need to get a special ultrasound called a fetal echo. Some sort of ultrasound on the baby’s heart due to the fact that I am on insulin. I am supposed to call and schedule that today. The u/s will be done at University of Maryland Hospital by someone specifically trained to do these types of u/s. I also asked if there was any possibility that I would be allowed to come in every 4 weeks like “normal” pregnant women as opposed to every 2 weeks. The NP, as well as the nurse I spoke to yesterday, told me that I will most likely continue to come in every 2 weeks because I am high risk (I really HATE that phrase.) The nurse also told me that starting at 27 weeks I will have to come in every 2 weeks anyway. So it looks like I will be seeing a lot of my doctor over the next few months.

We registered on Saturday! It was way more overwhelming than I expected. Mainly in the feeding department. There are so many choices about which bottles to use that we got totally confused. We ended up scanning all of the ones we liked and then going home and reading the reviews and narrowing it down.

I also noticed that registering brought out all kinds of assvice from people I didn’t know. One woman saw me looking at slings in BRU and told me that a sling is a waste of money because her baby didn’t like it. I just smiled and nodded and scanned the sling. Just because her baby didn’t like it doesn’t mean mine won’t. Another lady came up to me and told me I MUST get this specific type of stroller. Again I just smiled and walked away. I mean seriously, am I the only person who doesn’t feel comfortable going up to strangers and telling them what to do? All in all it was a fun experience but I’m still not sure if we picked the right items. I figure we have some time yet before people start buying things off of the registry so we can make changes if we need to. If anyone has any free time and is interested in checking out our registries and letting me know what you think I would be grateful. You can go on BRU’s website and also on Baby Depot’s website and search “Morrisa Vollmerhausen” and you should find our registries. I’m not looking for anyone to lecture me about why I shouldn’t use a sling, or that a swing is a waste of money because your baby didn’t like it. I know all babies are different and my baby may hate something that someone else’s loved, or the other way around. What I am looking for is whether I missed anything, something that you used a lot that I didn’t think of, whether there is a particular type of product that I have on there that you had problems with…etc. I will leave you with a few specific questions about the registry and a question about doctor’s appointments.

-Breast pump- rent or buy?: I put two different breast pumps on the registry because I wasn’t sure which one I liked better but they are so expensive! The chances of anyone actually buying it off of the registry is pretty slim. So we will probably end up paying for one ourselves. My question is, is it better to rent one from the hospital or buy one? If we do end up renting one will I still need all of the accessories we registered for? Did I miss any accessories? For instance, they had nipple shields there, do I need that? What is the best type of storage for breast milk, there were so many different options? HELP!

-Bottle sterilizer or dishwasher?: For some reason I was under the assumption that you could wash bottles in the dishwasher, is this not true? We registered for a bottle sterilizer but do we really need it?

- Which type of bottle is best?: We registered for three different types of bottles, one we liked because it said it was like the breast but it didn’t have drop-ins and wasn’t BPA free as far as I can tell. We also registered for the Playtex drop-ins because I figured they would be easier to clean and I would only need to clean the nipples and could maybe even store the breast milk in the bags? The last ones were the Medula bottles that were the same brand as the pump. Any suggestions? What worked best for you or what did you register for?

- When did you start feeling definite stronger movements? I’m getting impatient! I’m still only feeling little flutters and very infrequently, really only once a day.

- Lastly, why do you need to be seen more often once you hit 27 weeks? What do they do that is different at those appointments as opposed to what they do now (Check HB, weight, BP, urine)?

I’m sure I have more questions but that is all I can think of for now. My next post coming up may be what I think about the contestants in the Big Brother House so far. Do I have any Big Brother fans reading?

P.S. 19 weeks tomorrow! I can’t believe we are almost ½ way there!

P.S.S. My one year blogoversary is in 5 days!!!

I can't think of a title...17w6d

2008-08-12T10:01:00.001-07:00

Hmmm…where to start. Well, I am extremely glad that we got to have the u/s at the Genetic Center a couple of weeks ago because my experience yesterday for our “big u/s” was nothing like I imagined it to be. First and foremost let me reiterate what I have been saying ever since I started blogging, I HATE my insurance company. The whole experience was nothing like I expected it to be and was honestly flat out infuriating. Let me make a list of the reasons why the ultrasound experience sucked:

-They wouldn’t let Shawn come in the room with me! What ultrasound tech does not let the husband and father of the child in the room during the ultrasound?

- The tech was rude and very hard to understand with a thick accent. He was very to the point, didn’t describe anything he was doing unless I asked. He did things so quick and went zooming around I had no idea what was what.

- The ultrasound machine must have been manufactured in 1950 and the picture was so blurry I couldn’t even make anything out.

- The baby was sitting straight up, butt down facing my spine. Not my fault the position he is in, I guess he likes that position. He was in a similar position last time only he was facing forward. The tech repeatedly said things like “this baby is not cooperating” or “this baby is difficult.” First of all, this is the first time I became a bit defensive, don’t call my child “this baby,” makes him sound like some sort of animal or sub-human. He doesn’t know he is supposed to be posing for an ultrasound for crying out loud! He kept on saying “this is a difficult examination” and “I am not pleased.” We couldn’t get the baby to turn. He asked me to get up and walk around to see if he will turn. I told him I would but I didn’t think he would turn. He asked why and I told him because if this is my child he will be stubborn and if that’s where he wants to be then he will stay there until he decides to move, and I was right, he didn’t budge. I don’t blame him, the tech was pressing so hard on my belly I was crying out from pain. So basically the tech gave up. He measured a few things which all measured right on track (not because he told me but because I watched the calculations on the screen.) I asked him if he could peek between the legs and confirm it is a boy and he said the baby wasn’t in a good position. Hello? He had just got done taking a picture of his legs sticking straight out, but he couldn’t look between them? I asked him if he could at least try and he said no.

- He continually told me that 18 weeks is too early to do the ultrasound because the baby is too small. I told him he would have to talk to my doctor who put the order in for the u/s to be done between 16 and 18 weeks.

At the end he told me we could call Shawn in for a minute “but there is really nothing to see because ‘this baby’ isn’t cooperating.” So I said yes please call him in while I was trying to refrain from throwing the u/s monitor at his head. When Shawn came in the tech asked me if I was going to explain the “situation” to him. There was no “situation,” the baby was just not in a good position so we have to come back, no big deal. So he told us we have to come back in 4 weeks. So when I see my doctor on Friday I have to ask him to put another order in. And you better believe that I am not going back to that center or that tech and I will let me doctor know what an ass this guy was and how the policy to not allow my husband in the room makes no sense.

So anyway, we have no pictures because he wouldn’t give us any and the quality sucked anyway. But, I am not as upset as I would have been had we not had the earlier ultrasound. The tech at the Genetic Center said she was positive it was a boy so until we get our next u/s at 22 weeks we will assume it is a boy. I’m still registering on Saturday though. If for some odd reason it turns out to be a girl we will just switch the gender specific items on the registry to girl items. I’m actually kind of proud of our little baby, shows that he is stubborn just like his Mommy and doesn’t take crap from anyone. I was actually hoping he would give the tech the finger! So, no miraculous amazing big u/s story from me, but the important thing is that he is still in there, heart beating away, measuring right on track. I’m not really concerned about any issues with him structurally because the Genetic Center u/s was very detailed and everything was fine there. That’s all for now folks. If you have any advice for registering I’d be happy to hear it.

And the Bad Blogger Award Goes to... (17w3d)

2008-08-09T15:15:00.000-07:00

ME!! Yes, I know. I have been a bad blogger lately. In my defense though we had a huge filing to prepare at work which took up all of my time and left me exhausted when I got home. It's finally over so things should go back to normal now. Things have been going well so far. We actually have our original "big u/s" on Monday so we will get to see baby Noah again and verify that he is in fact a boy. Then next weekend we will be registering! I am actually so excited about registering! We have already been to Babies R Us twice just to see what they have. My shower isn't until November but family has been bugging us about where we are registered already. As for me I'm feeling okay. My blood sugar has been good but I am really struggling to satisfy my sweet tooth! I love to bake and I haven't had the urge to bake because I can't eat what I am good at baking. I have been looking up some recipes that use Splenda and I may try some of them but it still seems like they are loaded with carbs. My nipples (sorry if TMI) have been feeling very raw so we went to BRU and found a moisturizer made just for boobies! It helps a lot. Yesterday I found a little drop of something clear coming out of my nipple but I haven't seen anything since. The thing that has been giving me the most trouble is my back. I am sure I mentioned on here before that I have a herniated disc in my back. Well lately my back pain has been almost unbearable. I have always suffered with some mild back pain but now it hurts to walk sometimes. We went to the fair today to meet some friends and walk around a bit. After about only 2 hours of walking around my back and hip hurt terribly. It still hurts now! I am sure it is only going to get worse but if some back pain is the worst thing I will have to deal with during the remainder of this pregnancy then I will be thankful. As long as I can still walk I will be just fine! The most exciting thing that has been happening over the past week or so is that I think I am beginning to feel the baby move! IT just feels like tiny little taps on the inside of my belly. It doesn't happen regularly and I have to be sitting really still to feel it. I can't wait until I can feel him move more and I really can't wait until Shawn can feel it too. In fact, while I am sitting here I am feeling little taps, too cool! I still feel like this is all a dream or a sick joke and one day I will wake up and realize it isn't real. I'm not sure I will ever get over that feeling until I hold him in my arms and know that he is okay. The doppler has been a real blessing and I am so glad that we decided to get it. Not only does it help to calm my fears but it gives Shawn and I some great bonding time with baby. Someone asked about whether I would recommend other women to get the quad screen. Honestly, if I had to do it again I would not get it done. My recommendation is that if you would not terminate if something was wrong then I wouldn't get the test. For me, the test caused a lot of undue anxiety. But, we are all different and some people might feel like they want to know if there is a possibility if something is wrong. Anyway, I wish I had more to say but thankfully nothing has been going on lately. I will try to be a better blogger and a better commenter, I promise! I will also post again after our u/s on Monday and share pictures too!

Genetic Center Results (16w1d)

2008-07-31T17:37:00.000-07:00

First of all, I apologize for not writing this blog post sooner. I didn’t get to work until 1:00 so I didn’t take a lunch. Anyway, when we arrived at the genetic center we first spoke with the genetic counselor, who seriously did not look old enough to be doing that job. She explained the results from our quad screen and went over exactly what DS is and what causes it. She explained that the quad screen is just a screen and not a diagnostic test. She went over our family history and explained that the only way to know for sure is to get an amnio which we declined. Then we went into the ultrasound room. They had a huge screen on the wall which showed everything so we didn’t have to stare at a little screen. She checked the baby from head to toe. Everything measured right on target and there were no markers for downs (cyst on brain, spot on heart, enlarged kidneys, enlarged bladder, etc.) Baby was wiggling all around (which I still can’t feel!) and drinking amniotic fluid (aka baby pee.) Baby was stubborn and sitting almost Indian style at first so I had to get up and go pee and shake things up a bit and then she was able to get the measurements she needed. We do need to go back in three weeks so she can look at the heart because baby is still a little too small for that. All in all I am extremely relieved and feel like I got the reassurance I needed. Obviously there is always some remote possibility that something could still be wrong but I am not interested in the amnio.

So, I suppose you are wondering whether we were able to get a look at the goods huh? We got a quick peek at first and then baby crossed its legs. After I got up to go pee the legs opened back up and we were able to get a pretty good look at the goods. And…I was right, we have ourselves a baby boy! We saw his little baby “pee pee” and are pretty confident it is a boy. The tech said it was definitely a boy so hopefully she is right. We still have our big u/s for the 11th so we will double check then. So, without further ado, let me introduce our little miracle Noah Michael Vollmerhausen.

Profile shot.

Front view (alien picture)

The “money” shot (this one is not of the "pee pee" itself, just his little "jewels".

We picked the name Noah because we just like the name. The name Michael is special to us both because Shawn and his dad’s middle name is Michael and my father’s name was Michael.

We did tell our parents the sex and we will tell our grandparents tonight then we will tell everyone else in the family/friends.

Thank you a million times over for all of your love and support. The past couple of days have truly been some of the roughest days in my life. I am a believer and I know that God would never give us more than we can handle and I will love this baby no matter what. Hugs and kisses to you all and let me know what you think of the name!

16w0d & Quad Screen Results

2008-07-30T09:34:00.000-07:00

I didn't really want to get the Quad Screen anyway because I have heard horror stories of people getting bad results and worrying over nothing, but I decided to do it anyway. And what do you know? My quad screen came back with a 1 in 39 chance of Downs. The other numbers were fine but because of this number I have to go to a genetic counselor and get a level 3 u/s at a genetic place. The good news is that we get to see our little Doozer TOMORROW! I'm scared to death! I will obviously love this baby no matter what and even if it does have downs I would never terminate, but I can't help but be upset over the possibilities. You always want your child to be perfect and when there is a chance that something may not be right it is devastating. I am hopeful that everything will be fine but I can't help but look at the numbers. Why is it so high? I'm not over 35 so that didn't factor into it. So anyway, I am a mess these past 2 days since hearing the results. We go tomorrow at 10 a.m. to meet with the genetics center and to get the u/s. Please, if you pray, please send a quick prayer our way for the health of our little one.

15w2d

2008-07-25T14:34:00.001-07:00

Hello there! I bet you thought I fell off the face of the earth? Nope, I’m still here and all is well. I guess I owe an explanation as to why I had to go invite only huh? It had nothing to do with the comments we received from the article, I knew that was going to happen and didn’t let it get to me. A bit of background first:

I have a co-worker who we will call Nark. Meaning she squeals on everyone for everything. I had previously provided her a link to my old blog which I have since deactivated so that when you visit it it will direct you to this blog. I also disabled the old blog so that you cannot find it by searching since I knew people might be searching for my blog since the article referenced the name but didn’t link to the blog. (Hopefully I’m making sense so far.) So, to make a long story short Nark had been visiting my blog every day since the article came out. How do I know? For one I knew by checking my Site Meter, for two, I know because she said something to my co-worker about one of blog entries being “tmi” (the one about my swollen parts.) I mean it is a pregnancy site right? I didn’t say anything because I knew that since the article was out everyone I knew would be able to find my blog if they cared to do so. So, on Friday afternoon Nark comes into my office and tells me that one of the partners is surfing my blog (gee I wonder who forwarded them the link?). While I didn’t think they would be interested I wasn’t too concerned. Then the partner I work for calls me into his office and tells me that they are concerned about my internet use because some of the timestamps on my blog and during work and non-lunch hours. I explained to him that the timestamps are incorrect because some of them say 5 a.m. and I am never up that early. He insisted that I must be blogging during work time and that they don’t even want me blogging at all on their computer because I am “publishing something.” I told him that wasn’t fair because what about other people who went on MySpace and posted at work? He said “blogging is different.” I told him while I agree that I shouldn’t be blogging on work time (and I never was) I don’t think it is fair to monitor what I do during my lunch with making my blog a specific target and not anyone else. He agreed that I could blog on my lunch and before work. I left feeling pretty ticked off that they would peruse my blog for the purpose of trying to find something that I may have done wrong. Then when I got home I checked my Site Meter because I was curious about how long they spent on there and what they were looking at. I found that they had been on my blog for over 2 hours, read almost every single post including the comments, AND did a search for the word “boss.” I was really pissed by this point. I really felt like they were looking really hard to find something to implicate me in some way. I was hurt that they accused me of blogging on company time and wouldn’t even consider the fact that the time stamps might be wrong. I am sure that Nark directed them to my blog with the sole intention to get me into trouble. I was hurt that I forwarded the article to everyone I knew because I was proud and they turned it around and used it to try to get me into trouble. So, I decided to go invite only. It has never been brought up again and I am over it for the most part. And can you believe that Nark had the nerve to ask me for an invite? So anyway, that is why I went invite only so that my job does not continue to use the blog as an investigation tool.

Anyway. I have been doing okay. I am 15w2d today! I had been having some pain in my lower pelvic area for a couple of days and suspected it might be a UTI so I headed over to the OB on Thursday. Sure enough I was right. So now I am taking antibiotics to clear that up. It feels better but not totally better yet. I am also having some pretty painful RLP. My doctor also commented about my swollen ankles again on Thursday. My ankles have been swelling every single day. My blood pressure was great so at least we don’t have to worry about that for now. She did say that with the PCOS I am at higher risk for preeclampsia and so she wants me to do the 24 hour urine test this weekend. The thought of peeing in a jug and keeping it in my fridge totally grosses me out. I’m kind of confused as to why she wants me to do the test but something about finding a baseline. She also had to bump up my evening insulin from 20 to 25 because my morning sugars are getting high again. All of this combined sent me into kind of a panic mode Thursday night. I was angry at my body because of the PCOS and how even now that I am pregnant I can’t be “normal.” It made me terrified to think of everything that could go wrong. I don’t trust my body at all and that scares me. I’m scared that the swelling is somehow an omen that my blood pressure will get out of control at some point. I love this baby so much and I am doing everything in my power to keep it safe and healthy. I am dealing with this horrible diabetes diet that forces me to eat things I don’t like, I am sticking myself in the stomach every single night and will continue to have to do so until I deliver, I am following everything the doctor tells me to do. Still I don’t trust my body. I just wanted to be a normal pregnant woman but I can’t even do that. I am not complaining, I promise. I know how incredibly blessed I am to be here. I also know that God had a hand in creating this baby and I can only hope and pray that He will help me keep it safe.

Anyway, I guess that is about it for now. I really hope you all continue to comment and read even though I have gone invite only and I hope that you understand why I felt I had to do so. I love each and every one of you and want to thank you for all of your love and support, I could never do this without you.

Going Password Protected

2008-07-18T15:31:00.001-07:00

I really didn't want to have to do this. I always said I wouldn't go password protected because I wanted anyone to be able to find my blog. I knew when I accepted the interview with the Baltimore Sun that family and friends would then have access to my blog but I thought it was a small price to pay for the chance to raise awareness about infertility. I also knew that when I forwarded the article to my work that it would allow people at my work to access my blog as well. But I wanted people to know about the article, and thought they would be proud that I was doing something good. It turns out that by doing so that I have somehow opened myself up to some untrue and hurtful accusations. So I will be going password protected starting sometime before Wednesday. For the benefit of those that know me personally, and that I know are reading because I have a tracker that tells me (and I even know which pages you are viewing and the search terms you are using), I am not going password protected so that I can talk about you or any other reason other than it is obvious that people that I know personally are way too interested in my blog. I apologize if this makes it difficult for anyone using a reader, as I know that readers will not track password protected blogs, however I don't see another choice. So please e-mail me at ravenschic@verizon.net if you would like an invitation to my blog. You must tell me your name (first only) and your e-mail address as well as if you have a blog. Again, I really hope this does not cause me to lose readers but I feel it is the best option for me at this time.

Ob Visit

2008-07-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

Two posts in one day, whoa! Just wanted to update everyone on my OB visit today. Doctor said I am doing great with my blood sugars and that I can now come in every 2 weeks instead of every week (I had no idea I would be going to the OB so much this early.) Baby is good, h/b was 155. He told me I have some edema in my ankles (I didn’t notice it) but when I left and had to walk back to my building in the heat my hands swelled again. I told the doctor about my hands swelling and he didn’t seem concerned. He also told me I don’t have to sleep on my left side. He said they usually only tell that to patients who have babies that aren’t growing correctly. He said you will know if your uterus is pressing on any arteries and if I start to feel lightheaded while lying on my back obviously switch to the side. I’m happy about that because it is much more comfortable to sleep on my back for now. But the most exciting news is that we have our big u/s scheduled! On August 11th at 5:30 p.m. we will hopefully find out if Doozer is a boy or a girl! I can’t wait and I am so excited! I added a countdown thingie on the side but I can’t figure out how to resize it. Oh well…

14 Weeks & Assvice

2008-07-16T05:36:00.000-07:00

Okay folks, back to business as usual. Today is 14 weeks! Yay Doozer! Doozer is still doing well as far as I can tell. We still listen to the h/b every single night and it still brings me great joy to hear it. How am I feeling at 14 weeks? I'm not sick in the mornings any more. I still feel incredibly hungry in the mornings and I will occasionally gag if I don't eat but no puking. I am not as tired and have some more energy. Not a lot more energy but some. I am having what the doctor told me is round ligament pain. I am very sore feeling when I walk on the inside of my legs right between my legs. I also feel like I have to pee more now than I did before. I thought the uterus was supposed to rise but it seems to still be squishing my little bladder. I am having a horrible time trying to sleep. I am coughing because of allergies, it gives me a dry throat feeling. On top of that I have to get up every hour to pee (I'm not kidding) and I read in my books that I am now not supposed to sleep on my back but on my side because it could cut off the blood circulation to the baby. Well I am a back-sleeper so this has been very difficult for me. I go to sleep on my side but wake up on my back. So I am constantly waking up to reposition myself on my side. I also found something new last night. This part might be a little too TMI but oh well. For the past couple of days I have felt like there is something between my legs that doesn't belong. I took a mirror and looked last night and my lips down there look bigger. They look like they hand lower and are slightly larger. I am assuming this is a pregnancy thing but I'm going to ask my doctor just to be sure. Sorry for the TMI. :) Also, on Saturday we went to an outdoor party and I was outside in the heat from 2:00 until about 8:00. Towards the end of the day I noticed my hands and fingers were swollen. My fingers were so swollen that my "fake bling ring" (because I can't fit my real rings on) was tight. My ankles weren't swollen though. Then I figured it was about time to get out of the heat. I am assuming all of these things are normal pregnancy things but I will ask my OB at my blood sugar appointment today. Hopefully this will be my last weekly appointment since I my sugars are doing so well. Also, no more spotting which is great!

Now on to the assvice portion of my post. Here is a little background first: I am well aware of what I am not supposed to eat and drink during pregnancy. I have spoken to my doctor and I feel confident eating turkey sandwiches from my favorite deli because I am familiar with them and have been eating there for a while. I also allow myself one caffeinated drink per day. the reason I do this is because I cannot have anything with sugar like sprite or anything that doesn't have caffeine. I LOVE diet soda and since I can't have any sweets which I also love I treat myself and allow myself to have one diet soda a day. So, at this party I was enjoying my diet Pepsi for the day. A lady comes up to me later on (someone I don't even know) and starts out by saying "I was deciding on whether I should say something to you or not..." We all know as soon as someone utters those words that means that they are going to spew useless information and assvice that is none of their business. So while I has the urge to advise her that she shouldn't say anything if she had to think about whether it was appropriate to say it I kept my mouth shut. She proceeded to tell me how I shouldn't be drinking caffeine while I am pregnant and when she saw me drinking the diet soda she was "concerned." I explained to her (I really didn't need to explain but I did anyway) that I had discussed it with my doctor and that I was allowing myself to have one caffeinated drink a day. I mean seriously, maybe if I was drinking a beer or something she may have had a right to say something, but I just really thought it was odd. So I guess that makes me a horrible Mommy for drinking on caffeinated drink a day, for shame!

The Price of Fame

2008-07-15T10:31:00.001-07:00

Seriously, I'm just kidding about the fame part. But seriously, I have been checking out the comments to the article in the Sun and I am shocked to see the stupidity of some of the commentors. It is not a surprise to me in the least, I knew that taking a chance and putting our story out there would get some not-so-nice comments. I am still so amazed at some of the things that people say, or should I say "type." I am obviously not going to continue to defend my feelings to these ignorant people, especially on the Sun website, but I will address some of their comments, just for the sheer fun of it. Lets start with:

"Screw them. There are too many people in the world as it is. " I'm not even sure this deserves a response.

"If they're leaving it in God's hands to carry the pregnancy full-term, then why did they choose to have science intervene to get pregnant in the first place?" Not sure how these relate to each other. I was always leaving everything to do with our IF and treatments in God's hands. However, leaving it in God's hands does not mean that we can't pursue treatment created by doctors who are created by God. With this type of logic should we choose to forgo all medical treatment (cancer treatment, surgery, etc.) to leave it in God's hands? If I get an infection should I leave it in God's hands to clear it up instead of taking the medication?

"Perhaps infertile couples should get a clue and take their infertility as a sign that they weren't meant to have biological babies." This is ridiculous. I do not believe that infertility should be taken as a sign that someone is not meant to be a biological parent.

"Then they could pour the same amount of time, money and effort into adopting a needy kid or animal." WHAT? Are you suggesting I go and adopt a puppy? You can't be serious. I'm an animal lover but it is not the same thing. As for adopting a child, I have nothing against adoption. In fact, we almost went with adoption instead of IVF. I wish people read up on adoption before they go suggesting it as an alternative to infertility treatment. Adoption is an expensive and long process as many of you know, it is not a decision to be made lightly. Plus, why do these people care what I do with my time, money or effort? If they think there are so many needy kids out there maybe they should "just adopt" as well.

"These people are incredibly selfish." Hmmm...are we selfish because we spent all of our savings, went through years of testing and procedures, shots, heartaches, all to bring a child into the world? To me that seems like one of the most selfless things that someone can do. Come and talk to me again when you have had the pleasure of submitting yourself to countless embarrassing physical exams, giving yourself injections in the a$$ every single night, etc., all for the love of a child that you have never met. Then you have a right to judge.

"Well, if a baby is going to solve all these people's woes then I feel bad for the kid and all the pressure that's already being put on it." Not sure where the article said this. Obviously becoming pregnant won't solve all of our woes. But part of this statement is true. We have an amazing marriage, a wonderful family, two beautiful kitties, a nice house, jobs...etc. The only thing missing in our lives is a baby. There is no pressure, baby is already loved more that he/she could ever imagine.

"Sometimes nature, God, whatever higher power you believe in is trying to tell us something, and I think that something is that not all humans are meant to breed." Yes, lets hope this person does not breed.

"The fact that we are now obsessing over getting preggers and blogging about every neurotic thought or medical procedure speaks volumes about how empty some folks lives really are." Can I tell you how much I hate the word preggers? Sounds like something a 13 year old would say.

"We are not on this planet just to procreate, and parenthood is not going to solve all these people's problems in life. It's kinda scary and sad." Once again, not sure where he/she/it got the idea that parenthood would solve all of our problems.

Now I feel better. Once again, I knew that this would draw some negative comments and that's okay. We all have a right to our opinion, no matter how pigheaded it may be. I just hope that somewhere out this article touched someone today, and helped them know that they aren't alone. If it did it was worth it to me.

No Autographs Please...

2008-07-15T05:20:00.000-07:00

He he, well, here's the article in the Baltimore Sun I was telling you about. I think the article is great and it features a few other IF Bloggers too. Unfortunately the online version doesn't show the photo. It's kind of a goofy photo anyway. But if you want to see the photo and you live in the area you can see the entire article in the Today section of the Baltimore Sun. What do you think?

Little Scare

2008-07-11T09:46:00.000-07:00

Well I had a tiny scare this morning. When I woke up this morning and wiped I was spotting. I called the doctor's office just to let them know since I had an appointment at 10:30 anyway. They told me to lay down until it was time to leave and drink water. Of course I was worried and I made Dh get out the doppler to listen to baby. When we found baby (which never takes long now) I felt a bit better but still worried. When I got to the doctor he did the exam and stuck one of those jumbo q-tips in my cervix to make sure it was closed, which it was. When he pulled it out it was filled with blood. He showed it to me and told me that the membrains in my cervix are very close to the surface of my cervix and are bleeding. It doesn't hurt the baby, baby is fine with a h/b in the 150's, but he said it is something that could continue to make me bleed throughout the entire pregnancy. He used silver nitrate to "burn" the membrains to keep them from bleeding. When I heard him say he was going to burn them I was a little concerned. I pictured him with a blow torch frying my cervix to a crisp! But, he used these things that looked like long matches. It didn't hurt, I didn't feel it at all but he told me I may have some cramping which I am. He said hopefully this will take care of it so that I wont bleed anymore. I was told to go home and stay off of my feet today to give my cervix a chance to heal. He was pleased with my blood sugars so I will stay on the same does of the insulin and go back again next week. I am chilling out on the couch now resting. I am cramping but I'm trying to not let it bother me. I am still spotting a bit when I wipe but he said I would today. So, we had a small scare but overall it wasn't bad. I hope this is the biggest scare we get!

Poll

2008-07-10T12:15:00.000-07:00

I added a Poll to my side bar for you to put in your guesses if you think Doozer is a boy or a girl. We have plenty of time so keep the guesses coming.

Dear Doozer

2008-07-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Doozer,

This is your Mommy. You probably can’t hear my voice quite yet but I read that in the next couple of weeks you will be able to hear me talking! I already talk to you a lot anyway though. Mommy is so excited to finally be in the second trimester! Mommy has been trying to read a lot of books and information to learn all about you and how you are growing. Mommy is also trying very hard to take good care of herself and be healthy and strong. The doctor tells Mommy that she has gestational diabetes which means that Mommy has to be careful what she eats, monitor her blood sugar, and give herself an insulin shot every night. Don’t worry though, Mommy is used to giving herself shots (wait until Mommy and Daddy tell you all they went through to get you here) and it doesn’t hurt.

Mommy and Daddy listen to your little heartbeat every single night. It is the highlight of my day and I look forward to it all day. Your little heart beats so fast, it sounds like a galloping horse! Mommy especially loves to hear you kick with the Doppler. It makes Mommy & Daddy giggle to hear you kick and move around. Mommy can’t feel your kicks yet but I am sure waiting for that moment. Every once in a while I try to sit really still and see if I can feel any “flutters” but I haven’t felt anything yet. That’s okay though, it’s still early and in the next few weeks Mommy will hopefully begin to feel you move.

I can’t wait for you to meet your Daddy. I know you are going to love him! Daddy puts his hand on my belly every morning and every night and tells you how much he loves you. Your Daddy is the most amazing man, a wonderful husband, and I know he will be an amazing father. He takes such good care of me and you. Your Daddy has the most gentle and kind touch and strong loving arms that I know will hold you tight whenever you need it. Your Daddy is so silly and full of life, just like big kid! Daddy makes Mommy smile and giggle when she needs it and I know he will do the same for you. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if your first smile is reserved especially for your Daddy!

Mommy has been thinking a lot about whether you are a boy or a girl. Just a few more weeks until we can find out! Mommy and Daddy think you are a boy (just a feeling) but we don’t care either way. We will be happy no matter what! Just continue to grow healthy and strong. Little miracle, there are so many people who already love you and can’t wait to meet you. Please continue to grow healthy and strong so you can come and meet your Mommy & Daddy who have waited so long for you! I love you!

Love,

Mommy

13 Weeks!

2008-07-09T04:58:00.001-07:00

I know, I know, I have been a bad blogger, a whole week without an update! But I have had a busy week and I have so much to tell you! First, the most exciting news, I am 13 weeks today and according to some of my books I am in the second trimester! Some of my books say 14 weeks starts the second trimester but I'm going with 13 because it is closer! I am so thrilled and excited to be in the second trimester. I never thought in a million years I would be able to say that! We celebrated by listening to baby on the doppler this morning. We always listen at night after dinner so it was a nice treat to listen in the morning. Baby was very active this morning moving and making all kinds of thumping sounds on the doppler. I cried for the first time in a long time while listening to the doppler. I can't believe we have made it here. I know there is still a long ways to go but I feel like this is a milestone worth celebrating. I also cried because I am the happiest I have been in a very long time and it breaks my heart that all of you are not experiencing the same happiness. I think about it a lot and I pray every single day that each and every one of you will be here someday soon.

I went back to my OB on Thursday. He wants to see me once a week until we get my blood sugar under control. He looked at my blood sugar log that I have been keeping and said that my blood sugar looks great except for in the morning when I wake up. It is higher than it is all day when I first wake up in the morning. It is supposed to be below 95 and mine ranges from 115 to 126. So, he said that since a fasting blood sugar cannot be affected by diet (because we don't eat in the middle of the night) he put me on insulin. I am to do one shot, 20 units, sub-q, in the evening after dinner. He seemed worried that I wouldn't be able to give myself a shot and I had to remind him that I was a fertility patient. So, I thought I was rid of shots, but alas I am still the human pincushion and probably will be throughout the rest of my pregnancy. The good thing is that my sugar doesn't seem to be affected by what I eat during the day and I can eat what I want as long as I avoid high sugar and massive carbs.

But now I have to tell you the funny thing that happened at my OB appointment. When they called me back they took me into a little room to weigh me and take my blood pressure. I thought this was strange since I was told I was there just for a consultation for my blood sugar. I have gained 1.5 lbs since my first OB appointment! Then the nurse sat me down and asked me when my last period was. I thought this was odd because clearly they already have this info but I told her April 9th (which is my made up day so no one gets confused about the IVF.) She looked at me funny and said "Are you taking any medications to keep you from having a period?" Huh? I was confused, I said "I'm pregnant." She looked at me like I was from mars. Then she looked at her chart and asked me my name. I told her and she laughed and told me that she thought I was another patient there for a pap! So then they took me back into the waiting room and called me again. This time I was put into the office to wait for the doctor. He came in, asked me how I was feeling and whipped out the doppler. I was still confused but whatever, so we listened to the baby's h/b which was 150. He felt my belly and said he could just feel my uterus coming above my pelvic bone (which I still cannot feel, am I missing something?) Then he told me all looked good and to make an appointment for 4 weeks. Again, I was confused. I asked wasn't I there to discuss blood sugar. He looked at my chart and said, yes you are, but they put you in under a routine OB appointment so I didn't know. Ahhhh! So, then we finally discussed my blood sugar which was the whole reason I was there to begin with. So, a visit that they told me would take 1/2 hour ended up taking an hour and a half. I have to go back on Friday to see how everything is going. I am now confused as to when my next actual OB appointment is because it was scheduled for next Wednesday, but since they already did one I'm not sure if I am still supposed to go or not. I will ask on Friday.

We went to our farmhouse in Western Maryland this weekend for the 4th. It was a pretty boring weekend over all as it rained the whole entire time! We went to an Amish furniture store and we found the crib and changing table that we want. This is the crib. We want to get it in a lighter wood to match the trim in our house. The crib converts from a crib to a toddler bed to a twin bed. We thought this would be great because then Doozer can use it all throughout his/her time at home. I don't have a picture of the changing table but it starts out as a changing table and can the be flipped over to a dresser. So neat! The quality of the wood is amazing! Much nicer than our bedroom set. It will cost us a tiny bit more than if we were to not get it custom made by Amish but we think it is worth it. We didn't order it now because I thought it was too early but when we go back in September we will order it.

Since our weekend at the farm was boring there isn't much to tell but I do have to tell you something funny that Dh's cousin asked me. I walked into the kitchen to be confronted by Dh's 6 year old cousin. The conversation went like this:

"Mo, I have a question."
"Sure, what is your question."
"Did you and Shawn get married again?"
"No, why?"
"Well then how did you get the baby in your belly if you didn't get married again?"
"Err..." I was temped to say the doctor put it there but I thought that might confuse her so I said, " God put it there."
"Oh, okay." Walks away...

He he. I thought it was a funny question and thought it was even funnier when I found out she asked Shawn first and he said, "Go ask your Mom."

Lastly, I have some very exciting news! I am going to be in the newspaper! I have been talking with a reporter for the Baltimore Sun who is doing a story on infertility bloggers. We had a photographer come to our house last night to take our pictures. Hopefully the article will be coming out shortly and I will definitely post a link when it comes out. I am thrilled that my story is going to make headlines and I hope that it helps to raise awareness about PCOS and infertility which is the whole reason I started this blog to begin with. I hope that one day people wont see infertility as a dirty little secret that should be ignored, but as a genuine medical condition that affects millions of people. So, look for the article to come out shortly!

Well, I think this update is long enough. I promise to update more often and I apologize for not commenting more often but I have had a busy week!

12 Weeks!

2008-07-02T05:00:00.000-07:00

I can't believe today is 12 weeks! I have no idea why I feel like 12 weeks is a milestone of some kind but I do. Does anyone know why 12 weeks is so special? I just remember people being excited to hit 12 weeks, so I'm excited! As for how I am feeling, still exhausted, still sick in the mornings, although I didn't puke for the first time in a while this morning. Now I have an awful head cold which is making me feel terrible! I have been drinking hot tea (caffeine free) like crazy and it if definitely soothing on a sore throat. But all in all I'm not complaining because I feel pretty good. I just wish I could get energy to do something around the house. My house is messy, and although Dh promises to clean I haven't really seen him do any serious cleaning. He does pick up one room every once in a while but the house on a whole is still a mess. I barely have energy to eat dinner before crashing on the couch when I get home from work. I'm hoping that soon my energy will come back.

As for the GD, to answer a couple of questions I have gotten: My numbers were not high, but on the high end of normal. My doctor wanted to be proactive and get it under control now instead of waiting. I wasn't a fan of this approach at first but after taking my blood sugar three times a day I am seeing that sometimes it spikes up. However, the strange thing is that it doesn't seem to correlate with what I am eating. My fasting blood sugar (when I first wake up in the morning) is supposed to be below 95 and is always around 120. I have no idea how or why it could be high in the morning. I eat the same exact thing for breakfast every morning. Sometimes 2 hours after breakfast my blood sugar is in the 80's, sometimes in the 90's and sometimes it is over 120. As far as what I am eating, I'm basically eating what I ate before but I have cut sugar out of my diet and have been trying to eat less starches. I have an OB appointment tomorrow to show my doctor my blood sugars and my food diary so I think I am going to ask him about possibly going back on Metformin. Although I hate the stuff, I'm thinking maybe it might help.

I've been thinking a lot about the sex of the baby. I really want to know! I feel like I could better connect with the little one if I knew if it was a boy or a girl. I have a hunch (of course not based on anything concrete) but I'm not going to tell you yet. Perhaps I will put up a poll to see what you think.

Last night while listening to baby on the doppler I am almost certain we heard him/her kick! We have been hearing some movement noises, or sometimes Doozer would disappear and we would have to find him again, but last night we heard a distinct noise that could only be kicking. It was the most amazing sound! It is so strange that there is this little creature in there moving around and I can't even feel it.

Lastly, Doozer has been getting lots of little gifts from family members. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about having people give us gifts for the baby so soon but I guess I am okay with it now. Here is Doozer's latest gift:

We got jerseys for Dh and I and a little teeny one for Doozer, too cute!

PCOS Strikes Again!

2008-06-27T07:03:00.000-07:00

Wow, two posts in one day from me, right? Well, this one is not such great news. My OB nurse called and said that my blood sugars or glucose (or something, can’t really remember) came out high. Not dangerously high, but high. So, my OB, who knows a lot about PCOS, has decided to diagnose me with gestational diabetes at 11 weeks. He said because of my insulin problems and PCOS that if it is high now it will likely only get worse so it is better to get it under control now instead of later. So, I have to go to my doctor’s at 12:00 and pick up a glucometer and test strips and then meet with the nurse to go over how to use it and some sort of diet I am supposed to be on now. I am pissed but this is not unexpected. I just didn’t expect it this early. The good news is that little Doozer is healthy and I want to keep it that way. I have a hard time with diets but I don’t have a choice here, hopefully knowing that it is the very best for my baby will give me the will power I need. I’m a little annoyed with having to prick my finger all the time but it can’t be any worse than shots in the ass can it? Dh said he would do the diet with me because he needs to lose some weight as well. I appreciate that, it will make it easier if we are both eating healthier. So today when we get home we will empty out the fridge and go grocery shopping for whatever type of food they tell me I am supposed to eat. I’m guessing my favorite Oreo cookies wont be on the list huh? Please pray for me. I want to take care of this now because I want to be healthy and I want Doozer to be healthy too. Also, if any of you have had GD or know someone who has it could you please give me some advice, pointers, words of encouragement, something? I will update when I get back from the doctors.

Heartbeat

2008-06-27T04:59:00.000-07:00

Here you are, a video of our doppler in use. You can hear the heartbeat beating nice and fast. I did take belly pics last night but I am not happy with them so I will try again tonight. Let me know what you think.

The Most Beautiful Sound (11w1d)

2008-06-26T05:06:00.000-07:00

Well, we got a surprise when we got home from work yesterday and found our doppler waiting for us. It was a surprise because it wasn't supposed to arrive until Thursday. So we immediately headed back to the bedroom to try it out. I kept my bladder full because the papers inside suggested that it may be easier to hear the h/b with a full bladder. I laid back on the bed, pulled down my pants and Shawn got the doppler ready. It came with batteries so all we had to do was pop in the batteries. Then Shawn gelled up the doppler and we went to town. We started where the book suggested, right in the middle between my belly button and pubic bone. We spent the next 20 minutes hunting for the little one's h/b. We found mine plenty of times (it's amazing all the different places you can pick up you h/b way down there) which seemed to range from 80 to 90, so I knew it wasn't the baby's. I actually didn't freak out when we couldn't find it, I knew it would take a while the first time because baby is so small. Finally, after about 20 minutes of looking we heard something much faster. It was so clear, the most beautiful sound ever. The reading on the doppler showed 178 and I knew it had to be Doozer's. It was an awesome sound, so worth the money we are spending to rent this thing every month. We wanted to record the sound on our digital camera (the doppler does not have a recording device) but my amazing Dh had softball (again). So we will record it this evening (since we have decided to listen once a day) and we will also take the dreaded belly pic. Hopefully from now on it will be easier to find the h/b since we know where the baby is, unless he is practicing Olympic swimming and going from side to side. So, for now, I am pleased with my decision to rent a doppler, I think it is helping me not to worry so much over every little ache and pain.

Speaking of aches and pains, I have been feeling some soreness in my lower belly when I wake up in the morning, almost like I have been exercising. I have also been feeling a pulling stretching pain in my left side, kind of where my ovary would be. I called my OB and he said that it could be round ligament pain but not to worry unless it is non-stop or I spot or bleed. I also called my OB because my acid reflux began to really become unbearable. I stopped taking my prescription Prilosec because I read that it is a category C medication and may not be safe for pregnancy. I was getting unbearable heartburn no matter what I ate and an intense pressure in my chest that made me feel like I was choking. My Ob said that I cannot take the Prilosec but I should try Zantac 150 twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. Let me tell you, I feel so much better now! I still have some mild heartburn here and there but nothing like before!

As for my symptoms, here is what I am dealing with so far:

Soreness in my tummy in the mornings, like sore muscles.
Pulling and stretching pain on left side.
Heartburn, although much better now.
Extreme tiredness.
And now I have went to just feeling awful in the morning and only puking once (around 6 or 7 weeks) to puking every morning. I thought it was supposed to go the other way, where you start to feel better the closer you get to the second trimester, instead, I feel myself getting worse.
Very mild breast tenderness, hardly worth mentioning.

But there is no complaints here, I am feeling extremely blessed to be where I am. I thank God every single day that He has blessed us with this child. I know there are no guarantees, but I find myself slowly believing that we may actually get to bring home a baby in January. I am so excited to finally start the second trimester. Some of my books say it starts at 13 weeks, some say 14, but I'm going with 13 because it is closer. I still can't believe that we are here, it seems like a dream that would never come true.

Lastly, I am sorry that all of my posts have been about pregnancy, and that I have not posted or commented more often. I am still going through that odd phase where I don't know where I belong. To me I will always be an infertile, but I can't help but worry that my joy is causing others pain. I know how it feels to be happy for someone but jealous at the same time. I know how much it hurts to read what others are going through and want it so much for yourself. I will NEVER forget the pain that the last six years has brought me. I will NEVER be one of those women who immediately forget all about the pain of IF when they finally get pregnant. I feel each and every one of your pain so deeply, and I remember how it felt. I still deal with that pain every single day, because while I know I am blessed beyond belief, I still suffer from the same emotions and worries. And you know what? I wouldn't want it any other way. I don't want to ever forget how infertility has changed my life in more ways than I can ever imagine. I don't want to forget what a miracle a child is or how much pain and expense some of us go through to get what others so easily achieve. So please, don't ever think that I have become one of them, someone so wrapped up in their own pregnancy that they forget that there are still so many out there suffering. If I ever act like that, let me know. I talk about my pregnancy a lot because it is what is on my mind 24/7. There isn't a moment of the day when I don't think about our little one. I also have nothing else to discuss because I am either sleeping, working or eating, that's about it! So, that was my long winded slightly pregnancy hormone induced explanation for why my posts and comments have been few and far between and why all of my posts are usually pregnancy related.

Lastly, did any of you watch Baby Borrowers last night? I'm curious what you thought about it. I will tell you my thoughts but I want to see what some of you thought first. Also, do any of you watch So You Think You Can Dance? OMG, I love Twitch, he is just too cute for words! In case you haven't noticed, I am a reality TV junkie!

Decided!

2008-06-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your imput regarding my decision on whether or not to rent a doppler. After a lot of thinking I have decided to rent one. I went with this one. I decided to get one that digitally reads the heart rate so I wont have to count and figure it out myself. It should be here by the end of this week. Of course I am anxious that I wont be able to find the h/b but if that happens you better believe I am demanding that my doctor see me to check on things. All in all I feel good about my decision and I hope it will relieve some of my anxiety. If any of you have tips on how to find the h/b I'm all ears.

I have also decided that this Wednesday, when I hit 11 weeks I am going to take my first belly shot. I'm not sure if it will be bare belly or not but you have to promise not to laugh at my pudge!

Lastly, I'm calling all lurkers to de-lurk! I know you are reading! Tell me about yourself, where you are from, how you found my blog, and whether you are an IF and if so what stage in the game are you?? Perty please?

To Doppler or Not to Doppler?

2008-06-20T09:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, this has been weighing on my mind for some time now. I have been debating whether or not to get a doppler. I want to get one because I am obviously a worrier and I feel like it might just help me feel a little more relaxed. I feel like if I could hear the baby's heartbeat I would know everything is okay. But then on the other hand I am afraid it will make me worry more. I am worried that because I am a chubby girl that I wont be able to pick up the h/b because there will be too much chub in the way. Then that will make me worry more. So, I am looking for advice. I know ultimately the decision is mine and what ever I feel comfortable with, but I'm not sure yet so I need your help. What would you do/did you do? Does anyone who has a little chub on the belly have problems picking up the h/b or were you able to hear it just fine? If you use a doppler what kind do you use? Help ladies!!

So Cute!!!

2008-06-18T05:02:00.000-07:00

What more can I say, I am so in love!The doctor's appointment went great. Of course I was a nervous wreck waiting in the waiting room. They had me fill out the registration paperwork to deliver at GBMC. Hello! I am just trying to get past the first trimester here! Then they had me fill out a depression screening thing as well. Then they called me back and took my blood pressure which was perfect. Then we met the doctor who asked us a few questions about our history and did the pelvic exam and breast exam. Then they wheeled in the u/s machine and my heart started pounding. It was still a t/v u/s but I was okay with that, after all I am used to being wanded. Right away the doctor turned the screen towards me and said "there's your baby and there's the heartbeat." I was amazed at how much our little Doozer had grown! He actually looks like a little baby now! So cute! As we watched him he did a little wiggle and I let out a loud awwwwwww! He showed us the umbilical cord and we could still see the yolk sac although the doctor said the baby is getting what it needs from the placenta now. Doozer measured at 9w4d which the doctor said was fine for 9w6d. I wanted to see him move again so the doctor poked him a few times and we saw a little arm fly up as if to say "talk to the hand, I'm sleeping!" Just like his mommy! The doctor changed to a front view and we got watch the baby that way for a bit. We saw a little arm go up and were even able to see little tiny fingers. The u/s machine was really clear and the doctor said it was brand new. Finally we decided that Doozer was sleeping and wasn't going to give us more than a few dismissive arm waives so we ended the u/s. Then I got dressed and the doctor came back in to talk to us. He kept of saying he was excited because he loved to see a couple that tried so hard to get pregnant finally get their wish. He knew a little about IVF and he also knew a lot about PCOS. He warned me of all the things I already knew like the increased chance of getting GD and high blood pressure. We loved the doctor, he was nice and funny and really understanding. He congratulated us again and asked me to make an appointment to come back in 4 weeks. Then we headed to the lab for blood tests. They took a gazillion vials of blood from me and asked me to pee in a cup and then we got to leave. I can't believe we have to wait 4 weeks! Seems like an eternity! Whew!

And, here is the diaper cake I made, let me know what you think.

I'm Still Alive! 9w5d

2008-06-16T05:45:00.000-07:00

Wow! I can't believe it has been a week since I posted last! I didn't intentionally stay away that long it's just that every time I would think of posting a blog I didn't know what to say. I hesitate to continually talk about the pregnancy, but that's what my life is about right now. This started out as an infertility blog and it only seems right to continue it as a pregnancy after infertility blog. So, I hope all of you are not getting sick of hearing about my pregnancy. Of course I will continue to update you on other aspects of my life as well (because we all know how exciting my life is!) So, here's whats been going on with me:

Pregnancy: I feel okay. I'm tired most of the day, like right to the bone tired! I still feel sick in the mornings but it is better when I eat. I also noticed that the earlier I go to bed the better I feel when I wake up. I am still bloated and it appears it is here to stay. I have been wearing loose shirts in an effort to hide my pudge but it's no use. I have my first OB appointment tomorrow. The nurse called me last week and decided to do the intake interview over the phone. So I will go to the doctor at 3:00 instead of 2:00. I asked her if he would do an ultrasound and she said yes. I was so relieved to hear that! I just want to know that everything is okay. I am still terrified that something is going to go wrong. I am so scared that they are going to do an u/s and not see a heartbeat, it is my worst fear. I worry about every little thing. When I didn't feel sick on Saturday when I woke up I immediately worried that something was wrong and continued to worry all day. My Mom told me I worry too much but she doesn't understand. I really do hope that at some point I can relax a little more, but for now the anxiety is still very real for me. It's almost like I still feel like it is too good to be true, some sort of sick joke, that someone is going to take it all away from me. I don't know how I am going to cope during the 4 weeks until my next ob appointment. I thought about getting a doppler but Dh thinks it will make me more worried if I can't find a heartbeat. I'm not sure. Lastly, I do have a question for those of you who have been to an ob appointment. At what point does my husband come in? Does he stay outside during the exam and then I have them call him in for the u/s or does he stay in the room during the whole thing?
Baby Shower: Not mine silly! We have a long way to go before we start worrying about those things. The baby shower I went to on Saturday, the one I made the diaper cake for. First of all, my diaper cake turned out beautiful! I was so proud of it when I was finished! I keep on forgetting to have Dh load the pictures off the camera, maybe I will remember tonight. Dh said I should make them and sell them. The shower was for my step sister in-law. She looked awful! I know it sounds mean but she just looked miserable. She was very very bloated and had dark circles under her eyes. She still has until the end of July too! Btw, I still hate baby showers! I still felt uncomfortable, I still feel like I am an impostor. But luckily this one was very small and no stupid games or anything like that.
This Weekend: Dh wants to go back to the farm house in Western Maryland this weekend to finish putting the roof on the porch. Truth be told, I don't really want to go. Don't get me wrong, I love it up there, it is beautiful. However, there is no a/c in the house and the bed is very uncomfortable and small. Those things combined make it very hard for me to get a good nights sleep and if I don't sleep well I don't feel well. That combined with the fact that our house is filthy and needs to be cleaned big time. The yard needs to be mowed, and the garden needs weeding. The house needs a good cleaning top to bottom, our laundry is out of control and the refrigerator needs cleaning out badly. I don't want to keep Dh from helping and I know he wants to go but I can't stand our house the way it is. I am so exhausted by the time I get home from work that it is hard for me to do much. I really need his help. He plays softball on Tuesday and Wednesday so those days are out. So if we went to the farm we would have to clean the whole house today because we would need to pack on Wednesday. I don't know what to do, I'm just not feeling up to it and I really need a clean house again.

Well, that's about it for now. I will update tomorrow after my ob appointment. Please pray that all is well with little Doozer!

8w5d

2008-06-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been MIA for a while! It's just I haven't really had anything to say. Life has been pretty uneventful which is a good thing. I'm still feeling sick every morning but no complaining here. My boobs are getting bigger which I do not like at all! I am already a 38d and now I am overflowing out of that! I don't want bigger boobs! I finally have my first OB appointment scheduled for Tuesday, June 17th at 2:00 p.m. I really hope they at least try and get the baby's heartbeat. Does anyone know if it will be too early? I will be 9w6d by then. I need some sort of reassurance! Can anyone tell me what to expect at the first OB appointment? They told me to plan on it being an hour and a half! An hour with the nurse and 1/2 hour with the doctor. What will the doctor do that will take 1/2 hour?

My weekend was pretty lazy and uneventful. Friday evening I finally went with Dh to the hospital to see his grandmother. I just couldn't bear not seeing her since her stroke. I was kind of worried that she wouldn't remember me because there is some people she can't remember (although Dh thinks it's more like she doesn't want to remember them.) But when we got there she knew exactly who I was and call me "Mo" which is what his family calls me. She couldn't move the left side of her body and was still only answering questions in one or two words but she was aware of what was going on and even smiled and laughed a few times. They moved her to a rehab facility on Saturday where I know she will try like a champ to get better. The only not so great thing is that we think she has forgotten that her husband passed away. She asked Dh's dad if he was going to visit his father. We think that she thinks that he is still in the hospital. It will be hard to break it to her again but we don't think now is the right time.

Saturday we had our Strawberry Festival at church. I was initially going to go in the morning and help but it was so hot and was supposed to be almost 100 degrees so Dh and I decided I would stay home and he would go, no complaining from me! I spent the day lounging on the couch reading. I started to develop a headache around mid-day on Saturday that despite extra-strength Tylenol every 4 hours did not leave until Sunday night. In fact, during church on Sunday I had to leave in the middle of the service because the headache turned into a horrible migraine so I spent a good portion of Sunday in bed with ice over my eyes.

So, all in all a pretty boring weekend. This next weekend coming up I have to go to a small baby shower my Mom is throwing for my half sister in-law. I'm going to make my first attempt at making a diaper cake. I love these things and think they are so cute so I thought I would give it a try. I am pretty crafty and I need something to keep me busy this week while Dh plays softball on Tuesday and Wednesday. I anyone has ever made one of these I would love any tips. I will post a picture of it when I am finished.

Well, I guess that's it...ta ta for now!!!!!

Doozer- 8 Week Ultrasound

2008-06-05T05:06:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else think Doozer looks like Casper the ghost in this picture? He he! It almost looks like we can see eyes and a mouth although I don't really think that is what we are seeing. But if you look closely you can see little arm buds and tiny little flipper feet! Too cute! I had some trouble uploading the video but you can find it Here on our Babysite. The video is blurry but you can see the heart beating! Too cool!

Graduation Day (8w0d)

2008-06-04T08:12:00.000-07:00

Well, today is the day I officially said goodbye to my RE and became a "normal pregnant woman." Who am I kidding? I'll never be normal. Everything looked great, Doozer grew, we could more clearly see little arm buds and his/her little head. Hb was 167 bpm and RE said Doozer measured right on target. I will scan the picture tonight. We also took a video of the u/s and if I can figure out how I will put that on here too. During my lunch today I need to call and make my first OB appointment. My RE said I should see my OB within the next couple of weeks. I don't know how I am going to wait that long until I get to see/hear Doozer! I am amazed and thrilled that we made it this far and I thank each and every one of you because you were, and hopefully will continue to be, such a big part of our journey. I am so busy at work, I wish I had more time to update but expect a cute little picture of our Doozer tonight!

***Updated to add, I know I may be jinxing myself (Although Dh assures me that there is no such thing) but I made a babysite, check it out Here and feel free to sign the guestbook if you wish!

7w6d

2008-06-03T05:06:00.000-07:00

Yup, I'm not so creative with the titles lately. I'm sorry I haven't written lately but I really don't have much to say. That combined with the fact that I still feel fantastically awful in the mornings makes it difficult to sit down and write a post. Lets see, since I last posted:

I continue to have m/s as I posted above. Some days are better than others. But I don't mind because I just keep on hoping that it means Doozer is growing big and strong.
I had another person ask me when I was due! I mean seriously, can't a gal have swollen ovaries without getting questioned? I decided that I need some looser shirts until the bloat goes down so I plan on shopping in the next couple of days. Hopefully that will eliminate these types of questions.
Dh's grandmother (the one who recently lost her husband) had a stroke on Friday. She is doing better and can speak in sentences for the most part and is beginning to have feeling in her arms and legs. The is obviously another blow on the family who has already been through so much over the last few months. I haven't been to visit her because the family thinks its best I don't go to the hospital right now. They don't want me to be too stressed and also don't want me to be exposed to anything in the hospital. I can't even begin to tell you how much this little baby means to our family. There hasn't been a baby born on Shawn's dad's side of the family for about 7 years now so this little guys is very much wanted and loved. So everyone is a little overprotective of my health. I makes me feel kind of strange but I do understand and appreciate it.
I have my 8 week u/s with me RE tomorrow. If all goes well we will graduate to my OB. I am nervous as always. I notice that about 2 days before the u/s the nerves start creeping in and I begin to worry if everything is okay. I am still scared something is going to go wrong because it still seems too good to be true. It's almost like I'm reading someone else's blog wishing it was me. I mean, I had never even seen a positive HPT in my life! It just keeps on getting better and better and I am so afraid it is all going to slip away. But I'm leaving it in God's hands because I know He will take care of me. And I have to trust that He knows what's best for me, but I sure do hope it's to have this baby stick around and come to meet us in January.

Well, that's about it. I will be back tomorrow to let you know the news about our 8 week u/s. Please pray all goes well and that our little Doozer has continued to grow big and strong with a nice strong heartbeat!

7 Week u/s Picture

2008-05-29T04:51:00.000-07:00

Little Birdie

2008-05-28T06:52:00.000-07:00

Our u/s was amazing! Doozer grew so much in just one week! We could actually see the heart pumping this time. The RE said everything is perfect and Doozer is measuring right on target. He did measure the hb but didn’t tell me what it was and I forgot to ask. I have to go back next week for one last u/s and if all is well I will graduate. They gave us a picture but it isn’t nearly as good as what we saw on the screen. In the picture Doozer looks like a baby bird, hence the title. I will scan and post the picture tonight! Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers!

Are you alright hun? (6w6d)

2008-05-27T06:01:00.000-07:00

He he, the title of my post will be explained in a moment. We had a very relaxing weekend!! Dh’s grandmother owns a farmhouse in Western Maryland and we spent the weekend there. We left Saturday morning because usually traffic is bad on Friday evening memorial day weekend. I took everyone’s advice and kept some cheerios by the bedside and ate them before I got out of bed. Actually, I woke up feeling yucky in the middle of the night a couple of times and had to eat some cheerios then too. I took my time getting out of bed and it seemed to help a bit. We met Dh’s grandmother at Cracker Barrel for breakfast and I ate more than I have in a week! I guess I am going to have my days where I feel better and some days where I feel terrible. Saturday was definitely one of the better days. I spent most of my weekend sitting in a lounge chair in the yard watching Dh build a porch and reading Harry Potter for the nine-millionth time. The weather was beautiful this weekend! I was able to take naps when I needed them and basically lounge around all day. I did notice that while I feel completely exhausted and sometimes really need a nap if I take a nap I feel worse when I wake up. I don’t know what that is about but instead of feeling rested I feel even more tired and sick on top of that. I almost feel like I haven’t slept in 24 hours straight. Sunday night I didn’t feel good at all and woke up several times throughout the night and had to snack on my cheerios. I spent some time in the bathroom sure I was going to puke but thank God I didn’t. I was even dreaming about puking and woke up in the middle of the night with my head hanging off of the edge of the bed like I was going to puke. It was scary to think that I may have actually puked in my sleep if I hadn’t woken up. On Monday I felt even worse. The three hour ride home was awful and I was so exhausted and nauseous. Dh and I both took a nap for about three hours when we got home and of course I woke up feeling even worse. This morning I felt pretty awful. I finally gave in and took one of the Zofran they gave me when I had the OHSS. It seemed to help and now I am feeling a bit better. When I go for my u/s tomorrow I am going to ask my Re for another prescription for some more Zofran.

Now, on to my title. Let me preface this by saying that I am VERY bloated! I guess it is my ovaries combined with the normal bloat for this time in a pregnancy. So, I bought a tummy sleeve from Motherhood and I have been wearing it with my pants since I can’t button my pants right now. So anyway, on to the story. When we arrived at the farm house Dh and I decided that we needed to go to the store and pick up some soda I could drink and some snacks for me. So we went to the local hillbilly grocery store on top of the mountain. I picked up some snacks and we got in line to check out. It was about that time that I started not to feel well. I really needed to eat something and was basically salivating looking at the snacks we were purchasing. I guess I looked a little sick feeling because the cashier looked at me and asked “Are you okay hun? Is the baby kicking?” She really caught me off guard asking a question like that. I mean, yeah, I am bloated but I don’t think I am quite big enough that someone should be asking me a question like that! I recovered quickly and said something like “Um, not quite yet, I’m just not feeling well.” She proceeded to go on to offer me something to drink. I told her no I would be fine. I walked out of the store laughing but I couldn’t help but think how different I would have felt had a NOT been pregnant. What if I was still just bloated from the OHSS and someone said that to me? How crushed would that make me feel? I mean, isn’t like common courtesy to not ask someone about their baby unless it is 100% obvious that they are pregnant? I just couldn’t believe that I could be that bloated! It made me feel crappy about my body. I’m already feeling fat as it is. I’m having an awful time fitting into my clothes and I am already dreading having to go buy a bigger pair of pants and shirts that are a little loose fitting. So this didn’t make me feel any better.

Anyway, I wish I had more to write about. I love all of the new commenters and I can’t wait to check out everyone’s blog. I have my 7 week ultrasound and I am excited and scared at the same time. I hope my little Doozer has grown and has a nice strong heartbeat. I think if all goes well I may be graduating from my RE tomorrow. I am hopeful because of the morning sickness and hoping that it means my little guy is growing but I will feel better when I get to see for myself. I am also nervous because I am not feeling as much cramps as I used to, but I was also worried when I was feeling the cramps so I guess you can’t win with me. Please pray that all is well with my little Doozer! My appointment is at 8:15 tomorrow and I will update when I get back to work.

Morning Sickness= 1; Morrisa= 0

2008-05-23T05:13:00.000-07:00

Yup, I had my first puke this morning. I haven't been feeling great in the mornings for a little over a week but nothing like this! As soon as I got our of bed I started to gag and I knew it was time. I feel awful! I didn't take a shower this morning because I am dizzy and just feeling terrible. I will have to start taking showers at night. I feel like I have been run over by a truck! I ate some toast for breakfast and that is about it so far. I hope this means my little Doozer is growing strong. Let's see if I can make it through work without puking.

I’m Still Infertile

2008-05-22T09:13:00.001-07:00

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a couple of weeks now, actually ever since we got our BFP. Now I think it is the perfect time to write it. I never imagined myself actually seeing that second line, having a positive beta, and even seeing a heartbeat. Obviously, that was the desired outcome of all of the treatments we went through, but I could never really imagine any of these things happening to me. And even when they did happen, one by one, I thought of reasons why they might not be true. When I got my first BFP I thought for sure it was a faulty test, so I went out and bought another (well maybe a few), when that one was positive too I thought it must still be the trigger shot. When the tests continued to be positive I was sure it would be a chemical pregnancy. All through my betas I was sure something horrible would happen. Then the day of the u/s I was positive we would get some horrible news. I still worry that something is going to go wrong and take this baby away from us. The reason why I am saying all of this is because I want you, my fellow infertiles who are still in the trenches, to know that being pregnant didn’t make any of the hurt and pain go away. I still feel the sting of six years of disappointments and hurts. I know how incredibly lucky I am that it worked for us on the first IVF cycle. I know what a blessing that is. I know that so many of you have been through several cycles of IVF with no success. I can’t even express how much I wish this could be a reality for all of us. I know that there are days when you are still in the trenches (be advised that I do not consider myself out of the trenches yet, I’m not sure when that will happen) just can’t bear to read a post about BFPs, betas, ultrasounds, whatever. I totally get that because that has been me on several occasions. I know what it is like to have that awful feeling of jealousy about someone else’s good news and then feel terrible about it afterwards because you consider them a friend. Today I checked my bloglines and I lost a subscriber. I know it sounds silly but it made me sad. Not because one less person will be reading my blog, because I really started this blog for myself, but because the thought that someone may have “unsubscribed” because they couldn’t read about my pregnancy broke my heart. Maybe it’s not the case at all. Maybe this person just decided not to use bloglines anymore, or maybe they just sick of hearing me whine, but maybe they are just going through a really tough time and just couldn’t bear to continue reading. The thought that some of you are still experiencing the pain I have felt for so long makes me sad. I want all of you to know that it is okay not to be able to read if you feel like you can’t. Some days are better than others. And if you feel like you need to stop reading all together that’s okay too. The first three years of my infertility were the hardest for me. I will never forget the day my doctor diagnosed me with PCOS. We had already been trying for almost a year (I think.) I came home and bawled because I knew it was going to be a tough road ahead. I know our dreams of making a baby in the privacy of our home was over. So I began the grieving process. I was angry and jealous every time I heard a pregnancy announcement, and believe me there were quite a few throughout those three years. The next couple of years were much easier. I suppose because we took such a long break. I was able to think about other things besides IF and heal a lot. I also learned how to deal with the anger and jealously and I learned the most important lesson of all, how to turn it over to God. When we were finally able to begin treatments again (when I began this blog) I had a whole new outlook. I still felt some of those same old feelings creeping up inside of me, but this time I was able to control my feelings better and bounce back from things quicker. I am a seasoned infertile, I know how to deal with being infertile, I know all about infertility. But now I find myself in a confusing new place, albeit a place I have wanted to be for years now, still confusing. Now I am a pregnant infertile and that comes with an array of the same kind of emotions; fear, uncertainty, and most of all jealousy. Jealousy of those who can get pregnant in the privacy of their own home; Jealousy of those who are innocent enough to think that when they get pregnant it is a guarantee to bring home a healthy baby, and the crazy thing is, it usually happens that way for them; Jealousy of those who don’t know all of the things that can go wrong and therefore don’t wake up every morning wondering if their baby is still alive. I feel that infertility has taken that away, not only from me but from all of you. But, the main reason I am writing this post is not to share with you all of the things that infertility has robbed me of, but to share with you the things that infertility has blessed me with. Blessed you ask? Yes. Even though I would never wish this on my worst enemy, if I had a chance to go back and change it all I wouldn’t change a thing. Why? Because I believe that infertility has blessed me in many many ways.

· It has taught me patience. This was one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I am a fairly impatient person. I am used to being able to do something to get what I want. I wanted a college degree, so I went to college and got one. Infertility is different, you have to wait for everything that you want. This is a hard life lesson but an important one.

· It has taught me that I am not always in control. See above.

· It has taught me to think before I speak. We all know those comments we hate to hear; “Just relax,” “Take a vacation,” “You’re young.” Having been on the receiving end of those comments many times I have learned to think before I speak. You should never assume you know someone’s situation. You just don’t know how much something that you think is a harmless comment, or assvice as we all so lovingly call it, can hurt someone. I’m still working on this one. You can ask my Dh and he will tell you that I often speak before I think. I’m working on it though and getting better.

· It has taught me just how special the bond I have with my husband is. I know you gals will say the same but I truly think that my husband is the most wonderful husband in the world. When I first met Dh I thought for sure he was an angel, sent from Heaven just for me. He has brought me into a relationship with God and for that I am eternally thankful. He is my best friend. I never thought I would enjoy spending time with my husband as much as I do. Before I got married I always heard people complaining about how much they needed to get away from their spouses. I never feel this way! I love spending time with my husband and my heart breaks every single time I have to leave him for the day. The infertility that we have went through has only made our bond that much closer. When we first found out it was me “with the problem” I was so worried that he was going to blame me. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t make him a father when he would be such a great one. I was worried that he would resent that he married me. I was also worried that his parents would regret that he married me. He is an only child and the only hope for a grandbaby. But, none of those things were true. I realized that he felt the pain of infertility just as much as I did. He cried with me every time I cried, and it has made us stronger.

· And lastly, infertility has allowed me to make wonderful friends that I never would have met otherwise. When we first started trying I met a wonderful group of ladies over at WebMd. We got to know each other very well once everyone else on our message board got pregnant and we didn’t. Then we moved to communicating through e-mail. Three of us even met in Chicago. It was amazing to see that these women were real women, real people. Then we drifted apart, or I drifted away from the group. I can’t really explain it except that I was not in the same place emotionally that I am now. As each of them began getting their BFPs I began to realize that soon I was going to be the odd man out. So I kind of pulled away. Now I have had the pleasure of being able to speak with one of them again through my blog! It’s so amazing to see that she is still the wonderful supportive person that she always was. I think about the rest of them often. I wonder what’s going on in their lives. Then I met all of you! Starting a blog was the best thing I have ever done! I have made some amazing friends here and even though we have never met in person I feel incredibly close to every one of you. I know all of your stories and follow you daily. It felt so good to know that there were so many others who shared my pain!

So, I guess the point of this long-ass post is to tell all of you that I haven’t magically forgotten about the pain of infertility. And that in fact, pregnancy has opened up a whole new world of fears for me. But most importantly, that we are all learning something from this experience, even if it is sometimes hard to see. Sorry for the length of the post and I hope it makes sense.

U/S Picture

2008-05-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

Hey this is Shawn dropping in to post our picture.

Here's our u/s picture of little Doozer.I labeled the picture above wrong. I put egg sac instead of Yolk Sac. Egg Sac, Yolk Sac there one in the same right? Oh well. :)

All is well! (6w0d)

2008-05-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

Whew! We just got back from our u/s! I was so nervous in the waiting room that by the time I got up on the table I was shaking. Dr. Osheroff came in and immediately congratulated us and gave me a big hug. He seemed so excited so that was nice. He immediately turned the screen towards me and explained everything he was doing. He found the sac quickly and I could see the yolk sac. Then I saw it, a little tiny flicker of light. He explained to us that it looked like a diamond ring, the round part being the yolk sac and the top part of the ring being our little baby. It was amazing to watch the heartbeat! Doozer was so small compared to the yolk sac. The Dr. measured everything and said everything was measuring right on track. I asked him to measure the heartbeat and it was 90bpm. It was hard to measure since Doozer is so small but he said it was perfect for 6 weeks. He did look at my ovaries, which were huge as usual but he didn’t say anything so I guess they are fine. He asked me to sit up and told me to make another appointment for next Wednesday for another u/s and gave me another big hug and told us how happy he was for us. They gave us a picture of our little Doozer to take home. I do have the picture but I’m at work so I will have to scan it when I get home. I am relieved and amazed that there is another heart beating inside of me. Of course I am still cautious and scared, and probably always will be, but I feel like we hit an important milestone by seeing the heartbeat. I can’t wait to see our Doozer again next week. I want to thank all of you for keeping me sane and for all of the wonderful comments and support, it means more than you will ever know. I will update later with Doozer’s picture!!

Tomorrow is the big day!

2008-05-20T06:42:00.000-07:00

Well, one more sleep until we get to see our little Doozer! To say I'm nervous is an understatement, I am terrrified! I want so bad to see a healthy little bean in the right place. I know it may be too early to see a heartbeat but I'd really like to see one because I know I will worry if I don't. I am actually optimistic which is unusual for me. I just wish I had more symptoms. For those of you that had 6 week u/s, what did you see? What should I expect? Will it be like all of my other RE u/s where they let me see everything on the screen? If they see a h/b will they release me to an OB or have me come back again? I would really like to stay with my RE as long a spossible because I am concerned about what type of prenatal care I will get once I am released to Kaiser. If you have been reading my blog for a while you know how I feel about Kaiser. I am nervous that I will receive the same sub-standard prenatal care as I do for any other doctor's visit. They are all about saving money so I wouldn't be suprised if they hardly do any u/s, and I am sure when they do them I will have to get a referral to an outside company. The last time I checked they only had one OBGYN to choose from in my area and I didn't like him. I couldn't understand him and her was very unfriendly. So I choose a GYN in Baltimore city which is okay because it is close to my work. But I can't use her as my OB because I don't want to have to drive to Baltimore city to give birth. So hopefully they have a new doctor in my office now who will be a little more polite. Anyway, I could post a whole book about all of my fears about tomorrow, how I am afraid there will be nothing at all in my uterus, how I am afraid there will be an empty sac...etc. But what I would really love to hear is all of your experiences during your 6 week u/s. Please pray that our little Doozer is growing big and strong and that we will get to see a little heartbeat tomorrow!

Weekend Pics

2008-05-19T18:11:00.000-07:00

As promised, here are some pictures from our trip to the zoo.

This is baby elephant Samson, isn't he cute??

Here I am in all my fatness!

And here is my Dh being silly!!

5w5d

2008-05-19T07:41:00.001-07:00

He he, I know, very creative title but I can’t think of a better title. I am having a lot of trouble coming up with something to post lately. It’s not that I don’t have a lot to say, I could probably write a book. It’s just that at what point do you get tired of reading about my worries and fears? I have to admit, after Friday’s beta I do feel much better and more relaxed. But as our first u/s approaches I am beginning to worry again. I am so worried that they are not going to see anything or that there will be something wrong. I am sure these are probably normal fears. I wish I felt more “p-word” (I go back and forth about using the actual word.) Last week I had some cramping every day, now I don’t really have cramps at all except for maybe every once in a while. I don’t feel sick or anything, I do feel “different” sometimes but nothing too odd. I am very tired, mostly around 7 p.m. Other than that I don’t really have any symptoms. I’m trying not to worry over my lack of symptoms either, but once again, I am. But at least I no longer have a sense of impending doom. This probably due to the fact that my RE told me to begin taking my anxiety meds again. Now, I feel a bit of hope creeping in still mixed with some fear. I have noticed that I am very “bloated.” I seriously doubt this is due to Doozer, who is miniscule right now, and can’t possibly be causing my belly to grow already. I think it is more likely that my ovaries are getting larger again. But, at any rate I am finding my pants extremely uncomfortable and very very tight. What do I do? Obviously I don’t need maternity pants nor would I ever purchase them now, but I need to do something. Wearing extremely tight pants is not comfortable at all! I thought about buying a bella band or something like it but once again, to me that falls under maternity clothes category and will most likely jinx me! So what do I do? It seems silly to go out and buy a bunch of bigger sized pants when hopefully soon I will need maternity clothes. I am already a chubby girl, and I already had to buy a bigger pants size once we started IVF, now I can’t fathom having to buy yet another bigger size! Those of you that had some chub around the middle (I have the classic PCOS belly), did you start expanding much quicker? What did you do to accommodate the bloat before you actually needed maternity clothes? Should I just suck it up and get the bella band or get some bigger pants?

In other news, I survived church on Sunday! I was so worried about going to church because it would be the first day I saw everyone since we shared our news. Since we have been so open it has been both a blessing and a curse. It has been a blessing because we have received many kind words and prayers and I believe that we have raised awareness in our community about IF. It has been a curse because we were forced to tell everyone way earlier than I ever would have told anyone. I was nervous about going to church because everyone was so excited about hearing our results I thought for sure they would attack me as soon as I walked in the door. But everyone was very nice, I did get a lot of “how are you feeling” and lots of “congratulations” but no attacks!

Our weekend was wonderful! Friday Dh and I just hung around the house and relaxed. Saturday we woke up early and went to Bob Evans for breakfast. You would think that since I am “the p-word” I would be ravishingly hungry and eat a lot of food, but I’m really not. In fact, it almost seems that I can’t eat as much or as big of meals as I could before. I think it is due to my ovaries swelling again. But anyway, I had ½ of a yummy breakfast and Dh ate the other half. Then we headed off to the Baltimore Zoo to meet the baby elephant Samson. He is too cute! We did get some pictures and if I remember I will post them. We stayed at the zoo until about 1:00 p.m. it was a lot more walking than I anticipated and I was exhausted when we got home. I rested, and maybe took a small nap when I got home. Dh’s softball game was cancelled so we spend the day at Dh’s parents. On Sunday we went to church and then Sunday evening Dh took me to Medieval Times. It was so much fun! So all in all we have a very exciting weekend. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I enjoy spending time with my Dh. Ever since we met 10 years ago we have spent every minute possible together and I never get tired of it!

I do have a post planned but it probably won’t be until after our u/s. tomorrows post will probably be filled with more worries and fears. One question I am going to call NTF and ask is if I am still supposed to do the Endometrin suppository the morning of my u/s, I mean, wont it get in the way or something?

Praise the Lord!

2008-05-16T11:15:00.000-07:00

My beta number today was 1813! That is a 105% increase! I can't even begin to tell you how much better I feel right now! They are calling me back to schedule my first OB u/s which will probably be next Wednesday when I am 6 weeks. I have MUCH more to say but I am at work and being stalked by my boss so I will update this post later. Thanks you a million times for all of the love and support! Also, I left a message for my doctor call me regarding my anxiety meds. Be back later!

Doom & Gloom

2008-05-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

Yup, that’s pretty much how I am feeling. The rain today doesn’t help. I am so sick of rain! I know I said I probably would post before my beta results but last night I started having a horrible feeling that something is wrong. I still feel that way today. It’s almost like I am certain that they are going to call and tell me my numbers didn’t rise like they should and then I am going to have to go through beta hell just to find out that we lost the baby. I really don’t know why I feel this way but I have convinced myself that it is some sort of intuition. I really hope I am wrong. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks (which started when my father passed away) and I haven’t taken my meds since I got my BFP because I don’t know if they are safe. I am hoping that has a lot to do with my doom & gloom feeling. I know I should try to be positive but I can’t seem to get there. I was feeling so positive for a while and then last night it all changed. I am terrified of hearing exactly what I feel in my heart they are going to say. I know stress can’t be good for my Doozer and for that reason I am really trying but it isn’t working. Do I really have a reason to worry? They told me my beta rose over what they wanted to see 66%, I’m not bleeding or having any unusual cramps or anything like that. So why am I so certain that something is wrong? I am asking for an unusual favor, usually I don’t want people to tell me I am wrong, but today I need reassurance that I should not be so worried. I mean, I know something could go wrong at any time, I will never forget that, but I want to be reassured that these feelings are not some psychic intuitions or anything like that (not that I really believe in that sort of thing.) I am really hoping this is caused by a combination of the normal stress that comes along with waiting for beta results and the fact that I haven’t taken my medication. So why am I still so terrified? Please don’t think I’m crazy, I promise you I am not a raving lunatic or anything like that.

Thank you!

2008-05-15T05:56:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for the kind encouraging words that helped to calm me down a bit. I am going to trust my clinic and the fact that they are looking for a 66% increase and we were over that. I'm and still extremely nervous about Fridays beta results. Now I am simply looking for a rise of 66% from yesterdays number (883) which if I am calculating it correctly would be around 1465. My body does everything weird so why should this be any different. For instance, my blood pressure is low, it always has been. When I get sick or scared it usually goes even lower! So maybe my body just likes to be different. I am feeling pretty crappy today. I was so tired at 7:30 last night I couldn't keep my eyes open so I ended up going to bed. I woke up this morning feeling just as tired. I really wish I could just go home and go back to sleep. My house is a disaster and I just don't know when I am going to get the energy to clean it, but it has to be done. I am also suffering from constant heartburn because I took myself off my acid reflux meds since I don't know if it is safe for pregnancy. I eat tums like they are going out of style. And to make things more complicated I have been craving mexican food! My boobs also hurt during the night like clockwork. When I get up to go pee they hurt really bad. By morning they go back to just being sore. I'm hoping all of this is a good sign. Well, that's about it for now. You probably won't hear from me again until tomorrow with my beta result. Please pray it at least rises the 66%.

Beta #2 Results

2008-05-14T11:35:00.000-07:00

Well my beta has risen to 883. I told the nurse I thought it was supposed to double and she said they are looking for a rise of 66% and that it was a nice rise and not to worry. Hah! Now I am worrying. Why does everyone elses double then? I calculated the percentage and it is 69%. I'm trying to remain hopeful that everything is okay but I have to admit I am disappointed and worried. I guess it is good that it rose over what they wanted to see but I'm still stuck on people always saying their betas have to double. Oh well, guess I am in for a stressed filled next couple of days until my repeat beta on Friday. Has anyone had a beta not double but on rise 60-some percent?

You Make My Day!

2008-05-14T06:12:00.000-07:00

Maria and Adriane have honored me with the "You Make My Day" award. I feel so special and honored that they would think of me. They make my day too!! So I have decided to give the award to some of you. You ALL make my day. Every time I get a comment it makes me smile! But here are those extra special people who always seem to know just what to say:

Evil Stepmonster- Please go over and give her some love and she just received a negative beta.

Fertilized- She was very helpful to me at the beginning of my cycle and even e-mailed me when I needed to talk. She continues to be a great source of support.

Gas Passer aka UUer- She is a faithful commenter and always knows exactly what to say. Go over to her page and say hello to little Spot!

I Am NOT in Control- I have the pleasure of knowing her in person, outside of blogland. Her and I became close when we realized we were both infertile. She has been a wonderful friend. Go over and wish her luck as she starts her FET cycle.

My Sweet Sweet Hubby- Who makes my day every single day!

Pink's Life- Who always has something positive to say. She is in her TWW so go over and give her some love!

Duck- Who is such and amazing person!

These are just some of the people who make my day every single day! I love you all!

*************************************************************************************

Well, I went in for my second beta today. I am sooooo nervous about the results. I want it to double, not just increase by 66% which my nurse told me they are looking for. The lady who took my blood told me that when my first beta result came in everyone was cheering and clapping. It made me feel special! I have been going there for over 3 years now and I have gotten to know everyone there pretty well. I really need to get some work done but who can work when you are so nervous? Also, you won't be seeing any tickers on my page or anything like that until I at least get the 3rd beta results. I am so scared they are going to call me today and say they didn't double! I wonder how long after the 3rd beta they schedule the first u/s? Anyone who goes to Shady Grove know the answer to that? Anyway, thanks for all of the comments on my last post as well as all of the birthday wishes. I am now another year older. I will update between 2-3 ET when I get my results. Pray!!!

The Results are In!

2008-05-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

My beta number was 522! The nurse said that was good. The beta base site isn't working so I can't go on there and check. I go back on Wednesday morning at 7:15 for another beta. I really hope 522 is a good number for 13dp6dt or 19dpo..does anyone know? Someone please be honest if it isn't good. The nurse said it is good but I don't trust her (it wasn't NTF though.) So someone please be honest with me! Okay enough of that. I get to stop my PIO! I start suppositories called Endometrin tonight! I am so happy to be rid of the PIO. I already have the Endometrin because they had me order it at the beginning of my cycle. I am so very happy but still terrified because I know that the doubling number is what really matters. Well, when I think of more to say I will be back, until then...lets chant GROW DOOZER GROW!!!

Today if the day!

2008-05-12T05:40:00.000-07:00

Well, I went in for my beta this morning. They should call me between 2pm and 3pm. NTF better be nice to me or else! Well, since Farah asked here is a picture of all of my pee sticks!Notice the EPTs (the purple ones), don't use them if you plan on keeping the BFP. It registers the BFP but then the line disappears after an hour. And this is a close up of the HTP I took this morning. Look how dark it is!
I am hoping and praying that they call me with a nice high beta number. This will hopefully be the last HPT I take. I told my family yesterday. they were very excited and slightly annoying already rubbing my belly and calling me Mama. I mean, there is nothing to rub yet, other than my fat. My cousin who is a nurse did me a favor and gave me what will hopefully be my last PIO shot. She did a much better job than I do. My butt is so sore, lumpy and bruised! It also itches at the injection sites. I also don't have any more PIO and I didn't get any more since they told me I would be moving on to suppositories so hopefully that is still the case. I really don't know how I am supposed to get any work done today. I also really wish I knew what type of number is good for 16dp6dt, or 19dpo but I will visit beta base as suggested after I get my number. I am still having cramps, about two to three times a day I get intense cramps for about a minute and then it is gone. I also think I have a whopping cyst on my left ovary because my ovary hurts like hell. Anyway, I wish I had more to say. Please pray that our beta number comes back nice and strong!

Shall I Build a Fence?

2008-05-09T05:16:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of building a fence around my house with all of my HPTs I have been taking. Or perhaps I will use them as garden edging. Either way I am accumulating quite a collection. This morning's test was still a BFP. I used EPT, the kind that has the plus or the minus. I know it seems crazy to take all of the HPTs but since I have to wait so freakin long for my beta it is the only thing that is keeping me somewhat sane. We told Dh's parents last night. I didn't feel comfortable making it a big deal on Mother's Day so I asked DH if it would be okay if we just told them. I knew they would pray like crazy and that is exactly what we need, lots of prayers. So we went over to their house and visited. Then Dh announced that he wanted to show them something that we "found in our house", "something that we have never seen before" we led on that it might be some sort of bug or something. So Dh pulled up the picture of our digital HPT and I watched my MIL's face go from confusion to realization. She looked at me and said "you're pregnant?" I said "well, that's what the tests have been telling us." They were thrilled! We went on to explain that we haven't gotten the blood test yet and that we didn't want anyone to know quite yet but we wanted them to know. It was a good evening and I went away feeling better that we told someone. As for me, I'm terrified for Monday. I am so scared they are going to call and say that the beta is too low or that it wont rise. I just wish I didn't have to wait so long. I wonder if they know how much stress they are putting me through by making me wait so long for my beta. And because my beta is later than most people's I don't know what kind of number to expect. Dh and I haven't gotten Mother's Day gifts or cards for our moms yet (did I mention I HATE Mother's Day?) We have been so wrapped up in our current situation that it kind of slipped our minds. So we will have to go shopping tonight. I also have to make deviled eggs for a picnic we are having at DH's grandmother's tomorrow. Lastly, I wanted to thank everyone for all of their wonderful comments and support. I could never do this without all of you. I think and pray about each any every one of you every single day. I pray for your hearts when you are hurting and rejoice with you when you are happy. I hope that we will all still be commenting on each other's blogs many years from now. You probably won't hear from me until Monday when you will get the "Before the Beta" blog. Ugh...it seems so far away!

It Says Yes!

2008-05-08T05:02:00.000-07:00

So, I have been a POAS madwoman! I have taken four tests already! I took a digital test last night. Now, I hate digital tests because I think they are mean, so I got the ones that say yes/no instead of the pregnant/not pregnant ones. Well, it said yes!Those are Dh's big ole fingers not mine! I also took another test this morning and it was still positive. So, I am going to drop to only doing a test in the a.m...lol. I started to feel like the OHSS might be coming back a little last night. My ovaries hurt! But, I'm not complaining because that lets me know that the HCG is in my system. It is so hard to have to wait this long for a beta! Also, thanks to Sara's offer to cast a spell on mean nurse and turn her in to a toad (which I am all for) I have to decided to call the mean nurse "Nurse Toad Face" or NTF for short. As for telling our mothers I guess we have agreed to tell them but to explain that we haven't gotten blood test results yet and anything could still happen. I'm still nervous about doing it but oh well. Well, I wish I had more to say but the truth is I am so tired I am just trying to stay awake at work! I'll be back tomorrow to update BFP Watch 2008!

Poo on That!

2008-05-07T07:41:00.000-07:00

Well, apparently my nurse at my RE's office is no longer working there. So I called the new nurse that they told me to call. She was pretty rude and told me that under no circumstances are they allowed to move beta dates up. First, that is a load of crap because I know that others have had their beta dates moved up. She listened to me and then said "no, I don't think I want to move the date up." Our beta is already being done later than most clinics do so what's a couple of days? I'm honestly just pissed about the tone she used with me. And why are they telling me something that isn't true (that they are not allowed to move beta dates)? Anyway, even though it is my body I suppose there is nothing I can do. So wait until Monday it is. This ruins our plans because we wanted to tell our parents on Mother's day but we really wanted to see the positive beta first.

I Tested...

2008-05-07T04:46:00.000-07:00

So, after a lot of praying and thinking and crying all the way home yesterday I decided to take a test. I held my bladder for two hours and didn't drink anything hoping it would be concentrated enough. I tested again this morning and got the same result...

A BFP!!!

Yup, you are reading that correctly! I was so expecting to see only one line. I peed on the stick, set it on the back of the toilet and then went to do my PIO shot. Then I checked on the test and screamed. Dh was right behind me and I obviously started to cry and scream over and over again telling him "I see two lines!" I thought I was going crazy and wanted the two lines so bad that I was imagining them. But Dh saw them too. We spent a little time crying and then the fear set in. All of the things that could go wrong went through my mind. What if it's another chemical? What if we m/c? What if the test if positive but for some reason the beta is negative or very low. I tested again this morning and got another nice BFP. You can see the two tests side by side here (sorry for the horrible quality of the picture):

I wish I could say that I am just bubbling with excitement (which I am) and that's it but I would be lying. I am terrified! My plan is to take HPTs like they are going out of style until Thursday morning. Then I am going to call my nurse and beg her to move my beta to Friday. I wish I didn't have to tell everyone (that I know in person) so soon but the fact is they all know I get my beta on Monday. So, if I can convince my nurse to switch my beta to Friday then we can tell our mothers on Mother's day. So, please pray that I continue to get positives and that my nurse allows me to move my beta to Friday which will be 10dp6dt which I don't think is too early to get a beta. I'm so scared!

My Dreams

2008-05-06T05:55:00.000-07:00

I just can’t pass by the opportunity to tell you about my dreams the past couple of nights. I have been having very vivid and quite funny dreams over the past 3 nights. Unfortunately I cannot remember the dream from three nights ago but I do remember the last two.

My dream from two nights ago: “Hunting the Creeper”

In this dream my DH and I were hunting the Creeper from Jeeper’s Creepers. You know, the guy to the left. It was almost like we were in an episode of Destination Truth. We were roaming through the woods with various pieces of equipment and a log book that I was using to record sounds that the Creeper might make (very scientific.) We were traveling along a path in the forest where we would stop and camp in a tent. We never did catch the Creeper but the funny part about this dream is that when we wanted to go somewhere to look we would fly! I haven’t had dreams I could fly in years but it was just as fun to fly in this dream as it was when I had flying dreams when I was a child. We never did catch the Creeper but it sure was fun to fly around looking.

My dream from last night: “The Birds and the Old Lady”

This dream was hilarious, probably more funny if you were actually in the dream like me but I will try to explain it the best I can. Dh and I were getting ready to do a play for church (we do a lot of these.) The play was taking place at a high school instead of at our church. This particular play involved a dance routine (we do dance sometime in our plays but not this kind of dancing) that for whatever reason I had not learned in advance. So, I was asking my choir director to please allow me to practice the routine before the play started. She then advised me that she had let loose a bunch of birds in another room and before I could practice the routine I had to go and pick up all of the birds and return them to their cages. (Side Note: I am afraid of captive birds, not the ones outside but the ones people keep in their houses. I would NEVER touch a bird!) I was so upset because apparently my choir director did this as a joke on me. So Dh volunteered to help me find all the birds and return them to their cages. It turned out these birds were teenie tiny birds, like the size of my pinky finger, and they were blue and gold with blue plumes on their heads. I had to search around the room (which had carpet that the birds seemed to blend into) and pick up these birds. When you picked up a bird it would curl up in your hand and sleep like a tiny little cat. They were actually very cute and soft but I still didn’t like picking them up and there were several of them scattered around the room. One by one we returned the little birds to a gold cage in the corner of the room. While we were doing this I happened to be dressed in my “costume” for the play which just happened to be a hot pink sequined tutu! Too bad Dh wasn’t dressed in a tutu also! While we were rounding up the birds an old lady shuffles into the room and begins accusing me of stealing the tutu from her closet. She insists that I went into her closet and stole the outfit and that it was hers and she was going to call the police if I didn’t give it back to her. I tried to explain to her that it is a costume that came in a package (here is where I whipped out the costume package with the picture of the horrid tutu on the front.) She wouldn’t believe me and insisted that it was a vintage outfit and that I stole if from her closet. She was fuming mad and was screaming at me and hitting me with her purse. She threatened to call the police and I said fine because I wasn’t taking the tutu off! Then I woke up.

I have to admit that I am still chuckling about the last one. It had two totally different elements to it. The birds were so so tiny and very cute and soft. They would stand completely still so it wasn’t hard to pick them up and the moment you did they would curl up and sleep. The golden cage seemed small to fit all of the birds but they fit in there and it never did look crowded. They were actually very comforting little birds. It was almost like I was facing a fear and it didn’t turn out to be as bad as I thought. Then it totally switched gears and became hilarious where I noticed I was wearing the horrid pink tutu and the fact that this old lady was insisting it was vintage when it was clearly a cheap Halloween costume. Too funny!

Anyway, and dream interpreters care to take a stab at these?

6dp6dt- The Glass is Half-Empty

2008-05-05T05:36:00.000-07:00

Well, like the title says, I am 6dp6dt. I am not feeling anything other than cramps now and then although they are not as bad as they were. The PIO has made my poor boobies so sore! They feel like 10 lb weights (and have been feeling this way since I did my first PIO shot)! But as far as the OHSS goes I am feeling better every day. My chest had stopped feeling wierd and my ovaries are not as sore although if I turn too quickly I do get a sharp pain. As for my hopefulness that this cycle has a chance of working, there still isn't much hope. I am actually upset I am starting to feel better from the OHSS because to me this means I am probably not pregnant. I will test at some point, I'm just not sure when. I dread seeing that negative, I hate it more than I can explain, but I would hate it worse to get a "cold call" from my nurse and not have some sort of idea it will be negative. I am also annoyed that I have to wait until May 12th for my beta. That will make me 13dp6dt, why so long? That's like waiting until 19dpo to test, craziness! I thought I would have a shorter wait but I guess not! The other thing that keeps on running through my mind is that I will be getting my beta the day after mother's day and the day before my birthday. I will definitely test before mother's day though. I really wish the timing didn't work out this way. I don't usually look forward to my birthday because nothing exciting happens, I usually go to my Mom's and open gifts and blow out candles and that's it. I get depressed around my birthday because it reminds me just how long we have been TTC. I started trying to have a baby when I was 22, I am turning 28 this year. Who would ever think that a 22 year old would have trouble conceiving, but I did. And now I'm here, 6 years later and still no baby. I also hate Mother's day more than words can express. I think it is another stupid Hallmark holiday just like Valentines Day. I am sure the reason I hate the holiday is because I am a bitter infertile and maybe my feelings towards it will change one day but for now I hate it. I refuse to go to church on Mother's Day because they give flowers out to all of the mothers, just driving home the fact that I am not one. Then we get to hear a whole sermon about how wonderful mothers are, blah, blah. Maybe they should just slap a sign on my forehead that says "NOT a Mother." Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom and my MIL, I just don't think I need a special day to celebrate them. Of course I will dutifully get the stupid cards and gifts because I know if I don't they will be hurt but I don't have to like it!

So, since this is my first IVF cycle shouldn't I be full of hope and excitement? So what's wrong with me? I feel like I have lost that innocence because most people I know who do their first IVF have only been trying for 2 to 3 years, maybe that's why there is no hope left in me? Am I just so used to being disappointed that I can't possibly think that anything would work? The first three years of dealing with IF were the hardest for me by far, that is the time when I worked through all of my stages of grief. I came into a quiet acceptance about the whole thing somewhere in the beginning of year four and it has been that way ever since. Now I don't know how to feel. Hope is for newbies right? I should know better. I should know that it is crazy to hope or even think that my first IVF cycle would work. I am dreading having to do this again. I am so scared of getting OHSS again and going through that pain. I don't know what I will do about time off of work since I am seriously in the negative. I am trying to get through this cycle first and not to think about these things but I am a planner and always have to think about the future. So, here I am, trying to find some shred of hope buried deep inside and trying not to read too much into the fact that I am feeling better every day instead of feeling returning symptoms of OHSS.

3dp6dt & Bathroom Nasties!

2008-05-02T05:33:00.000-07:00

**Before I begin, in response to a comment from someone on one of my earlier posts, I am well aware that when you get pregnant it pushes everything inside up. I don't need to be reminded of that. However, being pregnant does not cause your belly to swell in 24 hours pushing everything up rapidly, filling your upper abdomen and lungs with fluid. So, while it may seem that I was complaining about something that happens in pregnancy as well (everything that belongs down low being pushed up high) I can assure you that it is not the same. The OHSS honestly made me feel the worst I have ever felt and this is the place where I can talk about my feelings without being judged too harshly. I'm sure the comment wasn't meant to be rude, but it hurt my feelings the way it came across. Anyway, I'm stepping down from my soapbox**

Yeah, yeah, I know the title is boring but I couldn't think of anything. I am over 100 posts already! My 100th post was a couple posts ago but I couldn't think of anything enlightening to say so I didn't mention it. I still can't think of anything enlightening to say so you are out of luck! I can tell you that as my usual pessimistic self is already taking charge and all my hope that this cycle will work is already gone. Rational? Probably not but that's the way I am. Why am I so sure it had failed already? Well, because I am having intense AF like cramps. I feel the same type of cramps I felt towards the end of my last IUI cycle when it ended up being a BFN. I have never done an IVF cycle so I have nothing to compare this to. Maybe the PIO is causing cramps? I just don't know. However, I feel like AF might come soon. I'm assuming the medicine I am talking will keep her from coming too early. I can now button my work pants but they are still tight. My upper belly still looks like it is swollen a bit but not as bad. My chest still feels weird though. It still feels heavy when I bend over and I am still short of breath. I'm not sure what is causing it but now I am coughing also. Part of me thinks that my chest is sore from all of the vomiting (sorry TMI) and dry heaving which hurt like hell. But, I am able to eat regular meals now which is good. I feel so fat! I knew the IVF drugs would put on some weight but its hard when you are already a big girl to see those extra pounds. Can someone say porker?

Lastly, before I leave, I would like to point out some gross bathroom habits that I have noticed from some of the people in my building. One lady never washes her hands. She uses the bathroom then goes directly to the paper towel dispenser, gets a paper towel, wipes her hands (like she washed them) and walks out. Gross! I don't even want to know what she is wiping off of her hands! Then another lady makes it a point to grab one of those paper toilet seat covers but then doesn't wash her hands when she leaves. So, she wants her ass to be clean but who cares about her hands? Ewwww! Please everyone, wash your hands after you use the potty, otherwise it's just gross!

None to Freeze

2008-04-30T13:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I got our last fert report, none to freeze. She said they transferred the best and there were none good enough to freeze. I know this is common not to have any to freeze but I felt so sure we would have some due to how many were going strong. It sucks to think that if this doesn't work I will have to go through all of this crap again. But if there is a next time, I will be asking the doctor to do everything possible to avoid OHSS. What if this means we don't have good embies? I sort of feel like I was misled about the quality of our embies. They told me they were moving it to day 6 because there were too many good ones to choose from but the doctor at the clinic before the transfer told us that they were taking a little longer to get to the right stage and that is why they moved it to day 6. They didn't tell me a grade for our Doozer or anything but said it was a high quality one so I guess that is good enough. Ugh...too many things to worry about. But, it doesn't matter now, it is in God's hands and He can do anything!

Back to Work

2008-04-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes, I know, I was supposed to do 24 hours bed rest and that would have meant I would have had to “rest” until 11:00 a.m. today. But, my boss is just not an understanding guy by any stretch of the imagination and I just couldn’t take another day off of work. I already didn’t have any time as it is due to the fact that they barely give us any time off anyway and now I am like over 5 days in the negative. So I have tried to take it easy and haven’t moved too much. But I really hope I wont regret going back to work today although I cant lose my job right now so I had to do what I had to do. I have no idea what we are going to do if we have to do this again but I am trying not to think about that. I have to say that I am not as optimistic about this cycle today as I have been over the past few days. I am questioning our decision to only put back one even though that is what we discussed in the very beginning. Its not that I hate the idea of twins or don’t think twins are cute or anything. I just want a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I want to minimize the risk to the baby and to myself. My doctor is also a big supporter of single embryo transfers especially in women who it is their first IVF and have a good quality embryo. But what if we should have transferred two? They told me that the pregnancy rates were no higher, even showed me numbers. I almost changed my mind when right before the transfer they told me that right now none of my embryos would be at the stage to be frozen. I was afraid that we wouldn’t have any to freeze so I panicked and said okay, put back two. They then called my RE who suggested only putting back one because of the OHSS and the fact that getting me pregnant with twins would be very risky to my health. So I went with my doctors suggestions. I so hope we made the right decision. I also can’t help but think that we are basing this whole cycle on this one little embryo, I sure hope he/she is a fighter. I am also bummed because I thought maybe I might feel something, like implantation cramps or have some spotting or something. I know the little guy should be digging in soon if he hasn’t already done so and I was hoping I would feel something. I know this is ridiculous because most people probably don’t feel implantation anyway. My Mom also gave me some grief about only putting back one. I really wish people would understand that it goes way beyond simply having two cute little babies, that it can affect my health and their health too. It made me angry that she would question our choice when we are the ones who are armed with information and the ones making the decision who have to deal with the consequences. I am already feeling guilty enough about not putting back two and I really need the support of my family and friends, I don’t need anyone to question our decisions. **Please note that this is a not a dig at anyone who chooses to put back two or is pregnant with twins, I know it is the norm to put back two and I am going against the grain but if this cycle doesn't work I will ask them to put back two next time. My beta will be on May 12th, the day before my 28th birthday. So I will either have a shitty birthday or a wonderful one. As for those who have suggested not to POAS before the beta, it’s just not something that I am comfortable with. I always test before my beta. I just like to prepare myself for the news. I would rather think it will be negative and be prepared for the phone call while at work and be pleasantly surprised by a positive beta then being full of hope and having to receive a devastating call while at work with no warning. I know it isn’t the best way for everyone but it helps me deal with the call a little easier.

As for my health, I am slowly starting to feel better. I woke up yesterday feeling better than I had in days. I was happy that I felt better because I was seriously thinking that it wouldn’t be good to put our little one into a sick body. I was able to eat some foods off of my “wish list” (which I will talk about in a minute.) This morning I woke up feeling a little yuckier than yesterday but still better than the past week or so. I feel better now but my chest is the thing that is bothering me the most. I have a really heavy feeling and soreness in my chest like the way you feel after you have been coughing with a really bad chest cold only I haven’t been coughing. I am thinking it has something to do with the fluid that was in my lungs. And, the most annoying thing is I cant button my pants! Now, I am already pleasantly plump to begin with so not being able to button my pants is awful! I thought about getting a bella band but I don’t want to buy anything maternity because I feel it will be bad luck. I don’t want to buy larger pants because I find that if I get larger pants I allow myself to grow into them. So for now I have my pants unbuttoned and a long shirt with another tied around my waist. I am hoping the bloating will go down soon but when they did the u/s yesterday to check the size of my ovaries they were still quite large. Meh..I guess it could be worse.

Lastly, I want to tell you how amazing my wonderful hubby is! He took such good care of me over the past week. He did everything he could to make me feel comfortable and ease my pain. He even cleaned up my throw up when I didn’t make it to the potty (TMI I know.) The OHSS also took a toll on me emotionally and he was there for me then too. I cant even begin to describe the physical discomfort of having everything that belongs in the lower half of you abdomen pushed into your stomach and lungs. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t eat (and still threw up even if I didn’t eat), I really felt like I was choking on my insides. I have a friend at church who has gone through IVF and she called me to see how I was feeling the other day and told me that she had OHSS and how terrible she felt. She told me that she was sure she was dying and that she should be in the ICU (and she is a nurse.) It made me feel better to know that other people have experienced the pain and that she knew what I was going through. While I was sick I made a “wish list” of foods that I wanted to eat as soon as I was able (when you don’t eat for days you start fantasizing about food.) I know it sounds silly but I needed something to look forward to. I had things on my list like cherry tomatoes, pickles, fritos, chocolate covered raisins, and tomato juice, I even put on my list that I wanted to eat a taco salad as my first dinner. Well, my wonderful Dh went to the store yesterday and purchased every single thing on my list and also came home and made me a taco salad for dinner! I was so touched and thrilled that he would do that. I really hope that Doozer sticks around to meet his/her amazing daddy!

Well, that’s about it for now. Thank you all so much for still reading and commenting even though I didn’t check anyone’s blog for days. I apologize for not checking them or commenting. You all are the best!

Here's our Doozer!

2008-04-29T17:22:00.001-07:00

Transfer Complete

2008-04-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm home with our little embie safe and sound inside! Yup, we decided to transfer only one embie because we do not want to take the risk of a multiple pregnancy at this point and because our doctor recommended transferring one because this is our first IVF, I am young, and because our embie was good quality, bust most importantly because of the OHSS. We trust our doctor's judgment and believe we made the right decision. We have a picture of our little embie and named him Doozer. 100 brownie points to anyone who can figure out why we named it Doozer! Dh did scan the picture but for some reason it didn't save so I will add a picture later. The experience was pretty neat but I am too tired to blog about it in detail so I will blog about it tomorrow. Everyone chant with me...dig Doozer dig!

We've Been Bumped!

2008-04-28T06:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I have honestly never heard of this but my nurse just called and said they are moving us to a 6 day transfer. She said they are all doing very well so they are moving us to a 6 day. I have no idea how many we still have or what stage they are at but when they call to actually schedule the transfer I will ask. I have been trying to look online but I haven't found too much about 6 day transfers so if anyone know any info I would appreciate it. As for me I am still feeling pretty awful. I am still throwing up which the doctor says is caused by my ovaries being very enlarged and pushing everything that should be in my lower abdomen into my stomach. I am concerned about all of the work I am missing. I had to call out on Thursday and Friday due to being sick from the OHSS. I told my boss I would need off today and tomorrow for the embryo transfer and the 24 hour bed rest but now here I am at home, still too sick to go into work and will have to take off Wednesday now for bed rest. I didn't really have any time to begin with due to the funeral which was unexpected and my boss agreed to give me the days even though I didn't have them. Now I have taken double what he agreed to and honestly I'm worried that he is going to fire me. But, I am truly sick, actually more sick than I have ever been in my life, and there is no way I could go in today. I feel awful because I don't want him to think I am taking advantage of him. But I would hope that he understands that I am sick and I will have my RE send a note to him. I have to say that at this point if this cycle doesn't work I'm not sure I ever want to do this again. I never expected all of the issues with the fluid in my lungs and my belly and all the pain and sickness that comes along with it. I may change my mind but at this point I am saying that I will not do any more fresh cycles. I can't imagine having to put my body through this again. I haven't eaten anything really in about 2 days now. I know this may seem like whining and I assure you I am not trying to whine, but I am miserable. Well, I guess that's about it for now. While I am excited that our embies are doing so well I am concerned about putting anything back in when I am feeling like this, but we have come so far and I have to trust in God that he had an ultimate plan for us.

Embie Update!!!

2008-04-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

We just got a call with our transfer time for Monday. We are scheduled for 1pm. Also we asked about the state of our embies, and she said that all 10 are doing excellent. She said some were 6 cell, some 8 cell, and some were beginning to compact. We are so proud of our little embies!

Transfer Update

2008-04-26T11:55:00.001-07:00

Since Morrisa is sleeping I will update for her upon her request. She didn't want you guys worrying about her, by not hearing anything.

Wow what a night and start to the weekend. Last night Morrisa was in extreme pain and had a lot of pressure in her upper abdomen and I couldn't take seeing her in that much pain so we agreed that a trip to the E.R. is probably the best thing to do. If anything they could do something for her pain right? So after ultrasounds and hours of waiting to hear from the E.R. doc the verdict was that she had fluid in her abdomen as we suspected from hyper stimulation and she also has fluid in her lungs. We were concerned about her having fluid in her lungs but they spoke with the on call dr at Shady Grove and we can leave and go to Shady Grove in the morning. So at 3:45am we departed for home and left the house this morning at 8am so we could make it to Rockville. She felt sick all night and when she got up this morning vomited a couple times. She also still had a lot of pressure right below her sternum I guess it is (rib cage) and what she said feels like a beach ball in her stomach. They took her right away and did another ultrasound and the dr said that "yes there is fluid but if it were up to him and if we were transferring today he would still go ahead with it." With that said he then told us that they moved our transfer day from today to Monday. He couldn't give us a total number of embies that are still growing but did say that there were quite a few. We have to call first thing tomorrow morning to let them know how she is feeling and we will ask then because we are so curious to know how many of the 10 embies there are remaining. As of a couple hours ago Morrisa was still feeling bad but took something they gave her for her sickness feeling and a vicodin and has been sleeping since. So I will update when I know how she's feeling now and when we hear how many embies we have.

Ten Little Ones!

2008-04-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

Yup, that's right, todays report shows that we still have ten little ones growing and dividing like they should. They gave me a tentative time for a transfer tomorrow and will check them tomorrow morning and if all ten, or a good number of them, are still growing strong they will call me at 9:00 a.m. to let me know they will be doing a 5dt on Monday. So right now I am tentatively scheduled for a transfer tomorrow at 1:45. As for how I am feeling, not so great. The pain down below from the retrieval is gone but I still have some pressure on my upper abdomen under my ribs and there is some serious cramping there too. Not sure what is causing it but I did tell my nurse and she told me to call her if it gets worse and they would bring me in for an u/s to make sure there is no fluid collecting there. It almost feels like the stomach virus I just got over! I am hoping that if we do the transfer tomorrow I am feeling better because I don't want to put my embies into a sick body. Also, no one has asked me how many I want to put back. When do we make that decision?

And they're off!

2008-04-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

My nurse just called while I was sleeping with great news. She said out of my 16 eggs ALL were mature and that 12 of them have fertilized! She said that is a great report! I realize all 12 won't continue to grow but I am very pleased with the initial number. She also said that it is totally understandable for me to feel like crap and that I should just take it easy and rest. I just called Dh and told him he is a daddy to 12 embies! Please pray that my little embies continue to grow nice and strong!

Ouch!

2008-04-24T04:22:00.000-07:00

Wow, I never anticipated being in this much pain. They kept on telling me they really had to push to get to my left ovary so I would be feeling a lot of pain, they weren't kidding. I was anticipating going back to work today but instead I am laying on the couch. So, here is my egg retrieval experience for those of you that haven't had one yet and want to know what to expect.

I woke up yesterday morning already feeling pretty awful, I felt terribly bloated and was in some pain. We arrived at the clinic at about 8:40 a.m. and they called us back at exactly 9:00. They led us back to a room that looked just like a recovery room in a hospital. It had several beds and curtains. They led us to our area which happened to be number one. They gave me a gown, paper booties, and a hair thing and told me to strip down and put everything on and climb into bed. I got dressed in the hot sexy outfit and got into the stretcher which was not very comfortable. Then the anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself and started an IV of what he called Gatorade (like I haven't had enough of that stuff!) I met the nurses and the doctor who would be doing the procedure who was not my usual RE. About ten minutes before we were to begin the procedure they sent me to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then I went back to my area where they came and got me and told me it was time to go to the OR. I gave Dh a tearful hug and a kiss and told him I loved him and followed the anesthesiologist into the OR which was actually the door almost directly across from my recovery area. The OR was really cold and there were about 3 other people in there. They had me sit on the table and I met the embryologist who verified my name and social. The anesthesiologist came over and put something in my IV which made me feel drunk. Then they told me to lay back and put my legs into the stirrups which were not like your standard RE stirrups that you put your feet into but they actually went underneath your knees. The last thing I remember is them strapping my right arm down and then I was out. I don't remember actually waking up, I just remember Dh already being there sitting next to me. Dh says that he had to keep me from falling back asleep because my eyes kept on rolling in the back of my head. The doctor came in and told me that the left side was very difficult and that they had to do a lot of pushing and that I could expect to be in some pain. I was only in a slight amount of pain at that point but within the next couple minutes I was in a lot of pain. I got some pain meds in my IV which only barely took the edge off of the pain. They said they could give me more but I didn't want to get sick so I said no. The doctor came back in and told us she got 16 eggs and also drained 4ccs of free fluid which could indicate pre-hyper stimulation and that we should watch for symptoms. Dh went down to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription for pain medication and came back up to get me and help me dress. My whole lower pelvis hurts and I am having some strange cramps in my upper stomach and my upper stomach is sore, almost like I did some crunches or something. I was definitely not expecting it to hurt this much. I actually think it hurts worse then when I had my gallbladder removed. Hopefully today's rest will help me feel better. I really admire those of you who have done this more than once! I had no idea how much this whole experience would affect my body.

So now I wait for the fertilization report. I have to admit I am nervous but optimistic because out of 16 eggs you would think some would fertilize right?

Egg Retrieval

2008-04-23T12:08:00.000-07:00

Since I'm not feeling well click here for my egg retrieval results. I'll be back tomorrow.

Triggering the Egg Farm

2008-04-22T04:52:00.000-07:00

First, my ER is scheduled for 10:30 a.m. tomorrow (Wednesday.) I have to be there by 9:00 (why an hour and a half early?) I am not allowed to eat after midnight so I figure by 10:30 I will be starving because I usually eat breakfast at 7:30.

Second, I became terrified of the trigger shot around 8:00 last night. They told me I had to do it at exactly 10:30 so I had to sit around and wait. I got confused about which needle to use to inject it because the RE's instructions weren't very clear. I finally had to call my friend Erin who is an IVF vet and was able to answer my questions and calm my nerves a bit. Then Dh began to freak out. I wasn't freaked out about getting a shot, Lord knows I should be used to being stuck by now, I was freaked out about someone with no medical training sticking that long-ass needle in my..well..ass. I mean surely it would touch the bone, causing me to yelp in pain and jump thereby causing more injury and possibly paralyzing me for life (it did none of these things by the way.) So, when 10:30 rolled around Dh just couldn't do it. I totally blame it on me because I was hysterical with fear and probably caused him to be afraid to hurt me. So I ended up giving myself the trigger shot, I stuck the needle in and had him inject the medication and pull the needle out. I think he felt bad, like he had failed or given up, but really, I totally blame it on myself. So, our first IM needle is done. I told Dh I don't know if I will be able to do the left side though and since we will need to switch sides when we start the PIO he is going to have to try again. The shot wasn't bad, the worst part was sticking it in to the skin, but once it was in I didn't feel it.

I woke up this morning feeling even more uncomfortable than I did yesterday. It is actually uncomfortable to walk. I cried a little this morning because of the uncomfortableness of it all and because despite sleeping I still feel exhausted. I have been drinking Gatorade and Ensure like it is going out of style per the doctor's orders and my nurse told me yesterday to stay away from water. I love drinking water so this is hard for me! I'm not sure I entirely understand why they are insisting on me drinking this nasty stuff but I think maybe it has something to do with keeping me from getting OHSS. I found a really cool video on You Tube showing an egg retrieval
Click Here. I thought it was pretty neat to see the follicles disappear on the u/s. Well, that's about it for now. The next time I update will probably be to tell you how many eggs they got. I might be resting so my amazing dh may make a guest appearance. I love you all and thank you for all of the wonderful comments!

P.s. My poor hubby has been diligently blogging and gets bummed because no one comments on his blog. I told him that he has to comment on other people's blog in order for people to comment on his. He said he does comment on other men's blogs but they don't comment on his and he said while he does read some of your blogs he doesn't know whether it is appropriate to comment and most of the time doesn't know what to say. Any suggestions? I know it can be depressing when you feel like no one is reading your blog.

Egg Farm

2008-04-21T06:48:00.000-07:00

Yup, that’s what Dh has been calling me, egg farm. Appointment went well this morning besides the fact that the clinic was slammed this morning and I ended up being an hour late for work. My appointment was at 7:15 and they didn't call me back until 7:50. There was a lady that came in with her friend (the friend was VERY obviously pregnant) and while they were waiting they proceeded to pull out baby shower planning books and plan her baby shower. I don’t think I need to tell any of you how rude that it. Who takes their very pregnant friend to a fertility clinic and then proceeds to loudly plan a baby shower? It is just amazing to me how someone who has been dealing with infertility would even think to do something like that. Anyway, my u/s went well, I have had the same sonographer for the last three days and I really like her. She really takes her time and measures everything carefully and shows me all of the measurements when she is finished. All of my follies have continued to grow and while I don’t know the exact numbers on each because there was too many to remember I know that there was a 22, some 20s, some 19s, some 18s, and a 17, and a gazillion smaller ones. All in all she measured 9 follies today. My lining was nice and thick although I can’t remember what that was either. The u/s the past two days have been somewhat painful, I suppose from the pressure of my expanding ovaries. After the u/s we met with another nurse and she went over trigger instructions! So now we wait for a call from my nurse and assuming that nothing alarming has happened with my bloodwork we will most likely be triggering tonight! I can’t wait to get these little buggers out of me because I am very uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable to walk or bend over. Assuming that we trigger tonight the ER will be on Wednesday. I was told today that after my nurse calls someone from the surgery center will call and let me know the exact time of the ER and the exact time to do the trigger. Then 3DT would be on Saturday and 5DT would be on Monday. I am nervous about the trigger shot, it will be our first IM shot. Eek! I still can’t get it through my head that we might actually finish a cycle, whatever the outcome. That probably doesn’t make a lot of sense to some of you but when you have had as many cancelled cycles as I have had you come to expect that a cycle will be cancelled. Although in the past my cycles have always been cancelled due to no response to the medication and they were not IVF cycles. So, I am waiting for the call from my nurse with hopefully some good news!

**Updated** It's official! We will be triggering tonight with ER taking place on Wednesday! I am still waiting for a call from the OR scheduler to tell me the exact time for the ER. I can't believe we got this far! I am beyond excited! FYI- I have 37 follicles which are smaller than the 9 she measured, but I don't know the size. My e2 level was at 3,488! Wish me luck on our first IM shot tonight, I'm scared!! I am also excited because I have several fellow bloggers who will be my cycle buddies, how awesome is that!

Weekend Updates

2008-04-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

I decided to put both my Saturday and Sunday updates into one post since most people don't check the blog until Monday.

Saturday: We went to the RE's office in Annapolis today since our regular RE isn't open on the weekends. They measured about 8 follies (they said they measure only the biggest 8) and they all ranged in size from about 14mm to 16mm. So, it looks like some are taking off and growing and not all 31! I snuck another peak at my e2 level from Friday and it was 800 something. The nurse just called and told me that my e2 went up to 1366 (which she said was fantastic.) She told me to stay on my same dose of meds and come back in tomorrow morning. She said I will now be coming in every day until trigger. I asked her if she knew when I might be triggering and she said they want most of the follies to get to 18 to 20mm so maybe in the next couple of days. So, so far it's good news! We just need to hope that my e2 continues to rise as my follies continue to grow and we should be triggering in the next couple of days with ER sometime next week. I will update tomorrow. Please continue to pray that everything goes smoothly!

Sunday: Today we had lots of nice sized follies with most between 16 and 18 and there was one 20. Again, she only measured 8 so who knows how many there actually are. My e2 jumped again to 2,175 so they cut the Menopur in half this time and kept me at the 50 units of Follistim. I have to go back in tomorrow morning again. I am hoping that I will be ready to trigger tomorrow. To say I am uncomfortable is an understatement! I am very uncomfortable and bloated feeling. I have been drinking a lot more Gatorade like they told me to drink. Hopefully the way I am feeling is normal but since I have never done this before I'm not sure. I am resting and laying on the couch today. I am hoping that everything is going according to plan and no one has given me any indication to be concerned so that's good enough for me. I will update tomorrow.

And we wait...

2008-04-18T09:46:00.000-07:00

…again. I went to visit the Re’s office AGAIN this morning. My lining is thicker (she didn’t tell me the measurement nor did I really care) and I have 4 measurable follies, 3 at 10mm and one at 11 mm and of course a bazillion little buggers. But, all in all I am uninterested in the u/s results at this point, it’s the b/w results that really matter. I did however take a peak at my chart which they left up on the computer screen while I was getting dressed (okay, really I stood there with no pants while I perused the chart but whatever.) What did I find out you ask? Well, I found out that I have had 8 completed IUIs with them and who knows how many cancelled cycles, but, the most interesting thing I found out is that when my nurse called on Monday to tell me that my e2 dropped “low enough” what she really meant was that it dropped to 64, which is only 3 points lower than the time before. I’m interested in this because they told me it needed to drop below 50 before I could start stims because then I could possibly overstim. Hmmm…could that be the reason my e2 skyrocketed? I’m not sure what happened, maybe the doctor just decided that it had dropped low enough, maybe he just decided that I am such a hopeless case that there was no point in waiting, I’m not sure but I am going to ask when they call. I do trust my doctor to make the right decisions so I am sure he had a good reason. So, the bottom line is I have no idea what the future holds for this cycle, I have no idea if I am on the brink of being cancelled or if adjustments can fix the e2 issue. I suppose the only thing left to do is wait for the call. I am hoping that the fact that a few follies seem to be growing bigger than the others is a good sign, meaning that they all aren’t growing at the same rate but I really have no idea. I hate the fact that I can’t control this, I am such a control freak and this is killing me! I will update when I hear the news…whatever it may be.

***Updated*** My nurse just called. The first thing she said was, "did you see how they were able to measure some of you follicles today?" She said that is exactly what they are looking for, some follicles to take the lead and not all 30 of them to go crazy. She said they are going to lower my dose again to 50 units of Follistim and keep the 75 units of Menopur the same. I didn't ask about the e2 level because I didn't want to know. I thought it would create more stress if I knew the number. She said the reason they are decreasing the Follistim again is because they want to feed the dominant follies and not all of the other little ones. I have to go back tomorrow morning for another u/s & b/w. I'm not really sure what to think, I agree with the slow & steady approach and have no problem with them lowering my Follistim dose as long as things continue to grow as they should. I am hoping and praying that my body cooperates but I would like to have more than 4 follies, I'm not even sure that is enough to do an ER. But I have to take one thing at a time and right now my goal is NOT to get cancelled. So I will consider this a small...very small victory. I was already prepared that I would have to go in every day for u/s & b/w but it is good to know that my RE is taking the time to watch me closely and not just blowing me off. I wish this were easier, I wish I could just have a normal cycle, but nothing about my body is normal. I also think that although I might think that other people have "normal cycles" they are just as stressful as my crazy cycle. This is one of those things that is going to teach me to lean on God, my husband, and all of you for support when I just can't do it myself, and I am thankful every single day that I got the chance to meet all of you. Anyway, enough sappy crap, for now I am cautiously optimistic and that doesn't happen very often. I might update this weekend with my u/s & b/w results but I might not, so don't worry if you don't hear from me. Have a good weekend, hopefully the weather wherever you are is just as beautiful as it is here.

P.S. Where is everyone today? No blog updates from most of you, no comments, is there some sort of infertile women convention going on somewhere that I missed?

Another Road Bump

2008-04-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I just got a call from my nurse. I now have 31 follicles total, all too small to measure and my e2 has skyrocketed to 494. So, I have to cut my Follistim dose in half (75 iu), continue on the 75 iu of Menopur and go back tomorrow morning. I swear, I wonder what it is like to have a normal uneventful cycle? Guess I will never know. There is no doubt that all of this is being caused by my PCOS. I know 31 follicles sounds great but it isn't. If there are too many follicles then none of them will get big enough to retrieve. So, now we have to try to slow my body down. I just have a very bad feeling that my very first IVF cycle is going to end up getting cancelled. Maybe I should join a circus to raise money for more treatments, but I guess not too many people want to look at the freak with the defective ovaries. Anyway, I will update tomorrow morning although obviously the secret lies in the bloodwork at least for me. Please pray, or send your thoughts, or whatever you do, that my body cooperates for once.

Also, please stop by and give Erin a hug, she got a negative beta today and could use some support.

Boring Post

2008-04-17T06:26:00.000-07:00

I went to the RE today after 3 days of stims (today will be day 4.) My lining was 8 point something (can't remember the exact number) and all was quiet, which I am told is good because we don't want anything happening too early. So, I think it is a good result so far as long as the b/w looks okay. I also found out that I had 27 antral follicles! Holy cow! I wonder how closely this number correlates to how many eggs you end up with? Anyone know? I also got to see Erin briefly as she was coming in for her beta. If you get a chance please stop over and give her some support while she waits for her beta results. So, I think I will probably stay on the same doses and they will probably have me come back on Saturday.

"All Stimmed Up"

2008-04-15T05:45:00.000-07:00

Well, like the title says, I am officially all stimmed up! (Yes, yes, I know it's bad english) I think having to stick more than one needle in me got to Dh a bit last night. He hesitated a bit but he did a great job. When he dialed the Follistim Pen I couldn't believe how much of a dose it was! We had some issues figuring out the Menopur but we finally figured it out. I also did my 5 units of Lupron this morning. So I guess we are finally in the next phase of this process. I am still not feeling all that great but I haven't thrown up since yesterday afternoon so hopefully that is done. I still have the toher issue every time I eat something but hopefully that will clear up shortly. Well, that's about all I have to day for now. Thanks for all the well wishes, it means a lot!

Lurpon Eval 3.0

2008-04-14T12:58:00.000-07:00

I want to apologize for not posting this morning and also for this being a somewhat short post. I have been really sick this weekend! I have had diarrhea since Wednesday evening. On Friday I had a fever of 102. We decided to go to Gettysburg anyway so that we didn't waste our money. I spent the whole weekend being sick and we didn't leave the hotel room. On Saturday night I started throwing up also. So we left and came home early Sunday morning and headed to my doctor's office. They wanted to give me an IV with some fluids since I was so dehydrated and couldn't even keep water down. They were able to start an IV right in the doctor's office (who knew?) It took three people one hour to find a vein and some horribly painful sticking. I spent about 5 hours total at the doctors office. Basically I have a stomach virus and I also learned that I have a UTI. I didn't notice that I had the UTI due to all of the other issues with my stomach. I was still throwing up this morning so I stayed home from work and Dh stayed home to take care of me. I did go to my Lupron eval 3.0 today. It hurt so bad when they put the wand in because of the UTI. Everything still looked good and I got a call from my nurse not too long ago saying that my e2 finally dropped. She is supposed to call me back shortly with a final confirmation that everything is okay to begin (I think because they can only have so many people starting stims on the same day.) I think I puked out all of my e2! So, that's it for me now, I am so tired. I will update when I get the call from my nurse.

P.S. Thank all of you for letting me wallow in my self pity. Every now and then we all need some time to feel sorry for ourselves and that was my time. I appreciate all of the warm words and prayers. You ladies are the best!

**Updated** I got the official okay to start my stims tonight! We finally get to start! I am so relieved that we finally got past the suppression phase. Lets hope my ovaries respond well to the stims. I will be doing 150 units of Follistim and 75 units of Menopur starting tonight and tomorrow morning I drop the Lupron down to 5 units. I go on Thursday for my first u/s. Hopefully by then the UTI pain will be gone!

My Body Sucks!

2008-04-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

Well, once again, my body defies and mystifies medical science. My e2 went down to 67, still not low enough to stim. So, I have to go back on Monday but judging that it only went down 10 points in three days it likely won't be low enough on Monday. So I am probably in for another 6 days of Lupron before I even start the stims. It sucks, but once again proves why it pays to be pessimistic (and no, stress is not causing my e2 to stay elevated.) So, what can I do except keep on doing the evil Lupron? It will just add to my crappy weekend having to spend a weekend away lying in bed because I have a stomach virus. Not only that but we will be paying $300 to be lying in bed. If we cancel they will charge us the full amount. The crazy thing is, I have tried searching the Internet to find other who have been in my situation and I have come up with nothing. You mean to tell me I am the only one out there who has had this issue (it doesn't surprise me honestly but still)? Oh well, maybe I can be on Oprah or something. Please allow me my time to wallow in self pity...thanks. Maybe I will post from our bed & breakfast if they have internet access.

Lupron Eval 2.0

2008-04-11T06:14:00.000-07:00

I had my second (and hopefully last) Lupron evaluation today. All looks good, my lining is at a 5.8 now (it was 7.2 on cd3) so hopefully this means my e2 has dropped. We wont really know anything until we get the bloodwork results though. I had a sonographer that I have never met before today and I didn’t like her very much. She didn’t even turn the screen so I could see it so I sat up to look until she got the hint. I am dealing with a stomach virus of sorts and have had terrible diarrhea for 2 days now (sorry TMI.) I can’t eat anything without immediately having to go to the bathroom. I didn’t sleep well at all last night and had to get up three times to use the bathroom. I just feel awful and I cant seem to shake it. I still have some pain in the left side of my abdomen which I assuming is being caused by this virus. It sucks because we leave tonight for our weekend getaway and I don’t want to be sick during it. But, they will charge us if we cancel and I have been looking forward to this for a long time so no matter what I am going. So, now we wait for a call from my nurse to see whether we can actually start stims tonight. I will update when I hear.

Some Reassurance

2008-04-10T09:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, so my nurse never returned my phone call so I called her again this morning. She happened to answer the phone this time though. I told her I was a little concerned about the e2 level being high. I told her what I read on the internet (because you know if you read it on the internet it must be true.) Here is basically what she told me:

* I have PCOS so I have an abundance of follicles so I don’t need to worry about diminishing ovarian reserve.

* They would definitely tell me if I got a bad test result, meaning something to worry about.

* Some people need to be on Lupron longer than others. She thinks that because my lining was still shedding (I still had a very heavy flow up until yesterday) that it was the reason for the higher e2 levels. She said uterine lining can raise the estrogen levels.

* If I go back on Friday and my e2 is still too high they may either increase my Lupron or just have me do the Lupron for a few more days, BUT this is not something that will cause them to cancel my cycle, we will just have to delay it until however long my body takes.

So, with that being said I feel much better. I just have to convince myself not to be too upset if it is still a little high on Friday. So wish me luck tomorrow! Also, we are leaving for Gettysburg tomorrow for a much needed and much deserved mini-vacation rain or no rain.

Oh Bother...

2008-04-09T06:17:00.000-07:00

So, I am feeling pretty down in the dumps today both emotionally and physically. Of course I consulted Dr. Google about the high e2 levels and saw scary things like “diminished ovarian reserve.” So, now I am totally convinced that not only is this IVF cycle going to be cancelled but that I am going to receive a new more horrible diagnosis on top of the PCOS. I looked back at my e2 levels from my IUI/injectable cycle and my day 3 e2 was also high, 105. I read that a normal day 3 e2 level should be below 75 for a non IVF cycle so even the 105 was high. No one ever mentioned that this number was high. So I am a bit concerned. I did call my nurse back and leave a message shortly after we hung up but have yet to hear back from her. It is kind of annoying how you have to wait so long for someone just to call you back with an answer to a question but I understand they are busy. I had a pretty rough day yesterday. My boss was in a pissy mood and once I got the news that we had to postpone starting the stims my day just got worse and worse. I was so looking forward to actually starting this cycle and was optimistic. I told Dh that this is exactly why I don’t get optimistic about things because things always go wrong and then I am disappointed. This is just another example of why being pessimistic works for me as a defense mechanism. So, while I am trying to stay positive I am expecting them to tell me my e2 has not gone down on Friday. I asked the question on a couple of message boards and got absolutely no responses. Leave it to my body to do something weird that no one else has heard of. Last night I started having a lot of pain in my left lower abdomen, like a lot of pressure. I have had diarrhea (sorry TMI) all morning and couldn't finish my breakfast. So on top of all of this I have some sort of stomach issue going on. It is yet another gloomy rainy day outside which adds to my misery quite nicely. Also, it is supposed to rain all weekend thereby making our weekend away at Gettysburg difficult because frankly there isn’t a whole lot to do inside there. So, I guess what I am really saying is that I could use some hugs and soothing words to calm my fears. Anyone offering free hugs? I'm off to see if I can fit my head in the microwave...

Crap

2008-04-08T10:32:00.000-07:00

Well, because my body refuses to do anything "by the book" it has decided that it is not quite ready for stims. My nurse just called and said that my E2 was at 78 and it needs to be below 50 to start the stims. So I have to continue the 20 units of Lupron and go back on Friday for them to retest. I have no idea what this means and I will be consulting Dr. Google as soon as I am done this post. So, lets hope that my E2 drops to where it should be on Friday. Man I hate my stupid body! The one good thing in all of this is that we wont have to come into the clinic during our weekend away...oh joy...

Loopy Lupron

2008-04-08T05:57:00.000-07:00

Well, as the title indicates I have now entered the realm of Lupron induced craziness. Yesterday I had terrible mood swings. I was so emotional and just feeling awful. I haven't been sleeping well and I think that, in addition to all of the stress lately, PMS, and the Lupron made for one emotional and just downright insane woman last night. God bless my sweet Dh who just rubbed my feet and tried to get me to take a nap. I really don't know how I would get through this without him. I am feeling much better today but although I took a sleeping pill before bed last night I still don't feel like I slept well. I am also feeling a bit overwhelmed by the comments of people in our lives about the death of Dh's grandfather and "new life." You know the ones, when someone dies everyone says that maybe a new life will come soon. I want to believe that, I honestly do. I want to believe that "Pop" is going to go up there and tell God that we are ready for our miracle baby. I'm not saying it is not going to happen, but it could also not happen too.

Anyway, lets get to the real reason you are here reading this entry. I had my Lupron evaluation this morning. It is basically to make sure that the Lupron has done its job and suppressed my ovaries (ie. no big cysts.) My lining is thin, I think she said it was at a 6, and my ovaries are nice and suppressed. In fact, they almost didn't look polycystic at all today. I could hardly see the antral follicles they were so small. So lets hope I am not over suppressed! So, as long as my E2 is nice and low I will start my stims tonight. I will be doing 150 units of Follistim and 75 units of menopur every night and I will be dropping my Lupron down to 5 units starting tomorrow morning. So Dh will get to stick me 3 times which he is thrilled about. So, I have met my first goal for this cycle which was to pass my suppression check. My next goal is to notice some sort of follicle growth on my next u/s which is on Friday morning. Wish me luck!

The Calm

2008-04-07T04:44:00.000-07:00

Finally, I feel like things are starting to calm down. Lets get the most exciting news out of the way first, AF is here!! Yay! Today is CD2! My body actually did something on time. AF actually came on the estimated day they said it would come on my protocol...imagine that..something happening on time! So I called my nurse this morning to schedule my Lurpron evaluation which will most likely be tomorrow morning. Then, assuming that there aren't any cysts, we will start stims tomorrow night. I am curious what does my doc will put me on for the stims. I am also curious about how the monitoring appointments are going to affect our little trip this weekend. I wonder if my doctor is really serious about having me come in every day? Well, if we have to we will have to drive from Gettysburg to Annapolis both Saturday and Sunday morning. It will be a little annoying but either way, we will do what we have to do.

We went to the viewing on Thursday night. I was okay until everyone left and it was just the family and Dh's grandmother had to say her goodbyes. She kept saying that it would be the last time she would ever see him. We told her no, it would not be the last time, and not to say goodbye but see you later. I told her if she ever wants to see him all she has to do is close her eyes. The funeral on Friday was the most beautiful funerals I have ever been to. I didn't really look behind me to see how many people were there but I am sure it was a lot. We were so exhausted when we got home.

Saturday was Dh's party which turned out wonderful. Hopefully I can post some pictures soon. It was good to see everyone there and have a reason to celebrate. My Dh deserves only the best and it was so nice to see everyone there to celebrate his birthday. I can't even begin to describe what a wonderful husband he is! Happy 30th birthday Shawn!

Well, that's about it for now, I could go on and on but my belly is upset today so I will update later!

No More BCPs!

2008-04-03T05:34:00.000-07:00

IVF UPDATE: Yay! I took my last BCP last night and then threw the empty pack into the trash! So now we continue the Lupron and wait for AF. I stopped spotting (after spotting for a week straight) but hopefully AF wont wait too long to come. Dh is still a little nervous with the needle but he is getting better. I'm not sure if I have any symptoms from the Lurpon or not. I have had headaches off and on the past couple of days but I think it could be due to stress too. But so far I haven't had any hotflashes or anything crazy like that. I have also decided to begin taking my Metformin again. I'm not sure I ever really took the Met the right way (three times a day) for any significant period of time but I'm willing to give it a shot. I figure it wouldn't hurt to kick my body into gear during the IVF cycle. So..now we wait.

FAMILY UPDATE: Last night was really hard. We wen't over to Dh's grandmother's house and put together some picture boards with pictures of Dh's grandfather to display at the viewing and funeral. I was sticking the pictures to the boards and looking at all of these memories of such an amazing life. Dh's grandmother had a bit of a rough night last night and had a few bouts of tears when we were putting the pictures on the board. She was so tired around 9 p.m. but she wouldn't go to sleep because she didn't want to be up in her bedroom alone. I held in all of my tears until I got home and then I just let go. The viewing is tonight and the funeral is tomorrow. It will be tough, but I will get through it. Right now it is most important to be there for Dh's grandmother and to keep her company when she needs it.

A Beautiful End

2008-04-02T04:34:00.000-07:00

First, thank you for all of the thoughts and prayers. Unfortunately we didn't make it in time to see Dh's grandfather before he passed. However, we did spend about 5 hours with him the night before. I am so glad we got to spend that time with him. He was so much like his old self during that time. He was joking and laughing and enjoying a bowl of ice cream (savoring every morsel is what he said.) He passed away at 9:20 a.m. on April 1st. We got there around 10:00. We did get to spend some time with him before the funeral home came and took him away. We were told that he got the most amazing look of peace on his face when he passed. The viewing will be on Thursday and the funeral will be on Friday. We are also still going forward with Dh's birthday party because his grandfather was adamant that he was coming and even made them order him a wheelchair, so I believe he will be there, but he won't need a wheelchair. We spent the day with Dh's family. His grandmother was doing pretty well although I could tell she was overwhelmed. It turned out to be an absolutely beautiful day. Dh's grandfather loved nature and I believe that Heaven was celebrating because he finally came home. So, here's to a beautiful ending to an amazing life, we are rejoicing that you are finally walking in Heaven with Jesus:

Please Pray

2008-04-01T07:03:00.000-07:00

My husband's grandfather is not doing well. Hospice has called and asked all of the family to come and be with him. Please pray for comfort and peace during this difficult time for our family and that his grandfather will not feel any pain when he finally rests in the arms of our Savior.

Lurpon Monday!

2008-03-31T05:49:00.000-07:00

Well, as the title indicates I am no longer a Lupron virgin! I had Dh give me the first shot this morning. I have obviously done SQ injections in the past but I wanted Dh to do it so he could get used to sticking a needle in me before the IM shots. He was nervous at first but he did a great job. It burned a little for a second but nothing too bad. I am terrified of the horrible side effects that some people say they have but hopefully I will be one of the lucky ones. Only 3 more BCPs to go!

We had a pretty uneventful weekend. We too MIL to breakfast on Saturday and then spent the day making our pet rock favors and scanning pictures of Dh for his party. He he, he is going to kill me when he sees some of the pictures I scanned! Sunday was the usual Sunday filled with church stuff. I still haven't gotten a few RSVPs for Dh's party even though the RSVP deadline was Saturday. I just don't understand why it is so hard for people to RSVP. Don't they realize I need a final headcount for food and seating!
Anyway, that's about it for now! Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

Happy Friday!

2008-03-28T13:11:00.001-07:00

Happy Friday everyone! Not much to report here except that I am spotting. Well, I actually starting spotting brown yesterday evening. This morning when I woke up it was more than spotting but not quite AF flow. Now it has lightened up a bit but is still there. I called my nurse and she said it is very common for women to spot while on BCPs and that sometimes if the flow gets to be heavier Dr. O will tell them to take two pills a day instead of one. But she said I am so close to the end of my pills (6 more days!) that if it does get heavier don’t worry about it. I didn’t ask her what happens if I get full flow and I am still on BCPs (whether I count it a CD 1 or what) but I guess I will worry about it if it happens. I’m not too concerned, I’m actually hoping that AF will come as soon as I stop the BCPs so I don’t have to sit around and wait for her to come and I can start stims sooner! The only thing that sucks is I have been having intense AF-like cramps for over a week now. I am so tried of being crampy and feeling like I have AF when I don’t! I feel bad because I feel like Dh might think I am just trying to avoid being intimate but I swear I have had these cramps and pains all darn week which doesn’t make me feel much like being romantic. I get to do my first Lurpon shot on Monday morning which I am going to have Dh do so he can get used to sticking me with a needle, plus then I don’t have to stick myself. I am a little nervous to have someone else stick me but he is the most gentle man I know and I know he will do just fine. I am also spending Saturday with my MIL so we can finish planning Dh’s party. This will be the last weekend for the party and we need to finish our favors (pet rocks!) and go over the menu. Lastly, my friend Erin is probably getting her ER this Sunday and I am so excited for her! I really hope this is the month for us both and that we can share in the experience together! I can’t believe that we are really finally doing IVF! After 5 ½ years of TTC, countless heartaches, sacrificing, fundraising, saving, and tons of prayers we are finally going to do it! I am so scared my body wont do something right, as it has been pretty good at screwing up in the past. I can’t help but think back to the cycles upon cycles that were cancelled because of failure to produce ANY follicles. I am so scared that is going to happen this time. Or I am scared that there won’t be any eggs in the follicles when they go to retrieve them. The list goes on and on of all of the things I am scared of. I hate what PCOS has done to my body (weight gain, acne, annovulation) and I am hoping that it doesn’t screw me over once again. So, my goal for now if to simply produce some follicles and get to the ER. Then my goal will be to have healthy embryos…etc. One step at a time. Have a wonderful weekend and on Monday I will be back to report on Dh’s first attempt at shooting me up!

Another Loss

2008-03-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let you all know to stop by and give some comforting words to Busted. I have been following her story from the beginning of her pregnancy and was shocked to discover that she lost her twins. I know we all say we are close, that we really feel a connection, but for me it took something like this for me to realize just how much of a connection I feel with all of you. When I read her news yesterday I went home and cried for her like I knew her in person. It didn't matter that I only read her blog and have never actually met her face to face. I felt an overwhelming sadness at the injustice of what she went through. I never imagined when I started blogging just how special it would become and how many amazing women I would meet because of it. It helps so much to know that I have a whole army of women standing right there beside me cheering me on. I can only hope that I provide even half of the support to all of you that you provide to me. So anyway, I guess this is a virtual hug to all of you out there that have touched me more than you will ever know. Please pray for Busted and her husband, they have a long hard road ahead of them.

On an unrelated note, I have noticed an increase in lurkers...come out and say hi!

My Easter Bunny

2008-03-25T05:38:00.000-07:00

I had my own personal Easter bunny this year. Who might it be you ask? My Easter bunny is about six feet, with the most adorable puppy dog brown eyes, a shy grin, and a crazy sense of humor. Getting any warmer? Okay, okay, my Easter bunny was no other than my amazing hubby. What did he bring me you ask? Maybe jellybeans? No. Maybe chocolate bunnies? No. Maybe peanut butter eggs? Nope. This is what he brought me...

Yup, you guessed it, my hubby picked up my meds on Friday. This was my bag of goodies. He came in with a huge shopping bag full of drugs. I was actually surprised that I wasn't overwhelmed by the amount of medications. I guess because I expected it to be this much. I think Dh was a bit overwhelmed at the amount though. But, imagine our horror when we looked at this:

This my friends is the PIO needle. Holy cow! I know I have a big a$$ but it seems like this thing might come out the other end! Good thing my butt is numb from my back injury, I may not feel it at all. I was also surprised that there was not more PIO. There was only 2 vials, it didn't seem like a lot at all. This stuff is supposed to last me 2 weeks? I was also surprised to see some kind of vaginal suppositories. I thought I was done shoving nasty things in my lady bits! So not only do I have to do the PIO shots I have to use these things too? There was also a third type of progesterone in pill form. My RE doesn't mess around when it comes to the progesterone! All in all I am happy that everything is paid for and we are ready to go. The sub-q needles don't look bad at all, they are the same size as my Follistim pen needle. I am excited and ready to go! On 3/31 we start Lupron and I can't wait! I am even more excited to stop taking the BCPs. They are not nice to me! I don't feel nauseous when I take them anymore because I take them right before I go to sleep but I have been having af-like cramps for over a week now and it is getting a little old. I have also been feeling extremely tired and have been falling asleep or going to sleep earlier. I want to get back to exercising, I was doing so well until the chemical pg. I need to get back with it but I find myself so exhausted.

I think the tiredness might be due to stress as well. As you can imagine we have quite a bit going on in our lives right now. Of course we have the stress of starting the IVF cycle and all of the fears that go along with that. Then we have Dh's birthday party which is in 2 weeks. I have to finalize all of the arrangements with that and get all of the planning done. I still have some shopping to do for the party and I need to make the favors which MIL will be helping me with. Then we have the situation with Dh's grandfather. Dh's grandfather told us he wants to come home because he has something he needs to do and it has to be done at home. We have no idea what he is talking about but we respect his wishes. He came home yesterday in an ambulance and he has a hospice nurse coming to visit and take care of him when he needs it. He will not be taking anymore platelets or transfusions so we have no idea when his time will come. The whole situation is hard for me. Not only because I love Dh's grandfather and I think he is an amazing man who has taught me so much about faith, but because I love my FIL and I hate to see him upset. My father-in-law has been like the father I never had, he has always treated me the way I always hoped my father would treat me but never did. So when I see him hurt it hurts me too. It is also hard to see Dh hurt. When I see him hurt I want so bad to be able to take it away but I can't. Lastly, everything that is happening with Dh's grandfather brings back a lot of memories of what it was like for me when my father was sick. It is the most horrible feeling in the world to see someone you love suffer so much. It is even harder to "wait" for someone to die. It makes you think a lot about your own mortality and how life is such a blessing and there are so many times when we take it for granted.

Anyway, enough about the sad stuff. Remember, don't forget to watch Ghost Hunter on the Sci-Fi channel on Wednesday so you can see them investigate the hotel Dh and I will be staying at in Gettysburg!

"A Winner Either Way"

2008-03-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

First, thank you all for the kind words regarding Dh’s grandfather. When we arrived at the hospital last night Dh’s GP was in really good spirits. He looked pretty good except for being thin and a little yellow. He was still his old self and still joking and smiling. Then the doctor came in and talked to us and I am glad he did because Dh’s grandparents are not very honest with us about his medical condition. The bottom line is that his lymphoma is back and his body is attacking itself. His platelets are supposed to be somewhere around 20,000 (I think that is what he said) and they are at 500. So basically we have to be careful how we touch him because we can cause him to bleed under his skin if he is not careful. The doctor explained that he wanted to move him to critical care to make sure that we make him comfortable for what time he has left. He asked Dh’s GP if he wanted to be intubated if he stopped breathing on his own and he said no. The doctor recommended that he not be intubated anyway because it would just cause further bleeding. The doctor gave us the impression that he maybe has a few days if that. Dh’s GP is still in good spirits and totally conscious of what is going on. He can still stand and sit and even gave Dh’s GM a kiss last night. He told us that he doesn’t want to suffer anymore and he said something to all of us that will stick with me for the rest of my life, he said, either way, if he lives or dies he is a winner. He has an amazing faith in God and knows exactly where he will be going to spend his eternity. I am so truly blessed to have known him in my lifetime. I know the next couple of weeks will be hard for our family. I think hearing him speak and seeing how gracefully he is handling his own mortality has changed me in ways I can’t even begin to describe. I think it will help me deal with the IVF and all the stress that comes along with it. The family will be coming in from out of town over the next couple of days to visit. Although sometimes I can’t help but think that some of them are in denial about what is happening. I e-mailed some of the cousins to remind them that they really should come see him tonight if possible because we really don’t know how much longer it will be. One of them said something like, “I hope he gets better soon.” Now, I’m all for hope and I do believe in miracles but I am also not a person to ignore reality or to live in a fantasy world. I’m sorry to say that if something happens to him and they don’t get the chance to say their goodbyes they will regret it. I do know that I am happy that I got to spend the last few hours of my father’s life with him even if he wasn’t couscous. I will never forget what a blessing it was to get a chance to tell him the things I never got to say while he was alive. But, there is nothing I can do in that respect. We are headed back up to the hospital tonight to see him.

On the IF front, I ordered my meds yesterday and they should be in on Friday. I am so excited to get started! I have been having some AF like cramps since the mock transfer but I am supposing that is normal. Sometimes I really feel like she is coming! I guess it is from the poking and prodding on my cervix or perhaps from the water that was put into my uterus. I really can’t wait until we start the Lupron just so I feel like we are doing something! It seems these last few weeks have been going by so slow!

Also, Dh planned a birthday weekend for me in Gettysburg. We are actually going to do it the weekend of April 11th though (my birthday isn’t until May 13th ) because I want to stay at the Cashtown Inn and that is the only weekend they had left. The room we are staying in is beautiful (the Pender Suite.) I love Gettysburg and the history behind it all and I am so excited to stay there again! Plus the Cashtown Inn is supposed to be haunted and will actually be featured on Ghost Hunters (my favorite show) next Wednesday! So excited! Poor Dh, he probably wont sleep a wink! I hope the weather is nice that weekend. I don’t know where we will be as far as starting our stims and I know my RE wants to see me every day so hopefully that won’t interfere with our weekend but we will figure it out somehow. If worst comes to worst we could always just drive all the way down, see the RE and drive back but that would be a heck of a drive! I’m not going to stress about it now though, I’m sure it will all work out just fine.

Well, that’s about all I have for now..I’m off to the hospital in a few for another emotionally draining night. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers.

Mock Transfer

2008-03-19T12:12:00.001-07:00

I had my mock transfer today! Here’s the play by play for those of you out there who are looking for that sort of thing:

We arrived at the clinic at exactly 8:30. I was given a consent form to review and sign. This is when I found out that I was also getting the saline sonogram (there is a real name but I am too lazy to look it up.) I immediately freaked out because I thought it would feel like the HSG and I didn’t get my friend the torodol shot and I was afraid I would pass out on the table again. We were called back to he room and I was told to empty my bladder and undress from the waist down (same old same old.) Dr. O came in and explained the procedure to me and what to expect. Dh was allowed in the room and stood by my head and held my hand. The Dr. inserted the speculum (on a side not, does anyone else hate this thing more than the fanny cam? I can never get used to the speculum) and then inserted the catheter I did feel some mild af like cramps when the catheter passed through my cervix. The doctor then removed the speculum (thank God!) and began to put the saline into my uterus. It was really kind of cool to see a little pocket fill up with the liquid. You could see it get bigger as more liquid was injected. The doctor said all looks good! So yay, no aliens hanging out in my uterus or anything! I did also ask Dr. O about whether the fact that my left ovary is very difficult to find will make it hard to retrieve the eggs from my left side. He said it can cause a problem or make it difficult and sometimes in extreme cases they cannot retrieve the eggs from one side due to a bowel being in the way and them being unable to move it but he also said that most of the time they are able to push things out of the way to get to the ovary so hopefully that will be the case for me. I was then told to get dressed and meet with our nurse and sign our consents. It was a fairly quick process because we already knew what decisions we would make regarding freezing embryos and such. We also got a video to show us how to do the IM shots so we cont have to take the whole injection class and miss anymore time from work. Dh will go tomorrow and pay our deposit since he forgot the checkbook today (silly Dh). I also got the prices for all of my meds and they should be ready to pick up in a couple of days! I am finally starting to get excited about this whole process! I’m still scared to death and I have already conjured up every possible scenario of things that can go wrong and convinced myself that more than likely one or all of them will happen to me. But, I have to trust in God that He is leading me down the right path.

In other news, Dh’s grandfather is very sick and it looks like he may not have much longer so our family could use some prayers as we know we have some tough times coming up ahead. I wish this didn’t have to happen so close to Dh’s birthday party (or anytime really.) I will update when I know more…